Was DS, 15, disclosing?

[Loglivelove]

(Nc for this - msg mn to check out if suspicious)

Ds is 15 and can sometimes be a bit in your face - he plays rugby and he's quite physical, always has been.

He was messing about in kitchen and I said - stop molesting me, just in a joking way.

I work in law and we use non-molestion orders. So i used the word in it's old sense - ie pester or harass. Cue a discussion about the etymology of the word, I'm a bit geeky like that.

Then ds said - I might have been molested when I was young. I was taken aback, and said - were you?

Dh was chopping veg and butted in - don't joke with mummy about things like that. That was annoying and I tried to say to ds - if you were, you must tell someone because its very wrong.

Ds said - I don't know them any more.

I said - doesn't matter because you can stop them doing it to someone else as well as being punished.

But by then he kind of backtracked and dh still trying to minimise.

So I left it that he must tell.someone if it's true and it doesn't matter who he tell, us or a teacher or the police.

Since then I've been so worried, and tried to bring it up again. But he plays along for a minute and then says he was joking.

What tf do I do now? I cant make him tell someone. He generally gets a lot of love and attention, happy in school and a great lad, I just dk what's going on.

Oh and the subsequently recinding / denial is entirely normal.

With a younger DD you need to clarify that this absolutely wasn't H or anyone who could have access to DD.

Your H closing down the conversation like that is a huge alarm bell, as you know.

Don't involve him in any discussion. Allow him to think you've forgotten / not taking it seriously.

I would call NSPCC helpline and get some guidance on how to broach this. It’s not a conversation everyone has experience of and people just don’t know what to say. Agree with previous posts. It’s not about him having to save someone else from the abuser, or go to the police if he has been abused. It’s about him knowing he’s done nothing wrong it was the abuser who took advantage that was very wrong. It’s about him knowing he is loved and has support.

Yes, as I said. So it didn't really need pointing out again.

Thank you. If it was anything then yes, the another child explanation would be better.
Racking my brains about all the teachers (single sex boys school) and sports coaches we've know, it's horrible.

This post really got to me. In my case it was really my uncle. He got away with it as the two children he was raping was his son and step son, his son committed suicide and the step son disappeared and hasn’t been seen for around 8 years now. It’s also come out that he raped his younger sister while they were children and she’s been committed in a hospital since she was a teenager. But as the relevant witnesses are dead, missing or insane, he’s never been prosecuted and has since got a new non English speaking wife and started a new family. Ss and the police have done fuck all. So kindly fuck of with the ‘sensational news’ comment as you are lucky enough to not be destroyed by such a depraved person.

Could it be a member of DHs family?
A grandparent perhaps?
Is it possible that DH was also abused as a kid by the same person? And now can't face talking about it?

All complete supposition but.....

It’s quite an odd reaction. Is it possible DH knew who son was referring too and basically shut him down with this comment?

Does he mean that he was pestered or does he mean molested in its usual sense? Because if it’s the former, it is less concerning, imo.

I'm still Mammy to my 16 and 13 year old 🤷🏻‍♀️

oh sweet jesus.. the poor OP's husband has been hung out to dry here! perhaps he was simply as disgusted at his wife accusing his son of molestation!

but this is MN so i supposed the blanket answer is LTB

The single sex boys school could be a clue. As he says he doesn’t know them anymore could it be a teacher who has left? Wild guess of course as none of us know only DS

Yes I agree with this.

Both of you behaved/reacted much less than ideal.

Obviously your son knows your job, you didn't have to treat him like you were at work, it's not his job to prevent abuse, classic victim blaming.

Your DH, obviously very old school and thinks talking about abuse is a much bigger crime than committing abuse. I guess especially because it's your DS and not a DD which is much more socially acceptable(?) for men particularly.

Find a quiet time, get advice before hand on how to open the conversation and how not to put your foot in your mouth. I'd keep you DH away from the conversation, it may be he knew about the abuse or had his suspicions from his reaction

💯 agree! ‘Mummy this man stuck his Willy up my bum’. HOW DARE YOU CALL ME MUMMY! Sorry I’m fully aware this post is getting deleted, but as a survivor this comment has made my head fall off

OP when you speak to him again the sole focus should be on helping your son. Not punishing/reporting/saving other people.
If any of that happens, it's way down the line after simply being there for your son.

I've been there myself. I disclosed something in my 20's I recall from when I was 4 years old. It's so hard to do. But it defiantly sounds as though your child was trying to tell you something. My 13 year old talks most when he is in the car, and we're not face to face. Makes it easier I think. Is taking him out for a drive and asking him more om depth an option?
I too would be furious with DH. Your child will most likely go into shut down mode. I hope you manage to unravel it all.
For what it's worth, I see nothing wrong wirh the language you used. I'm a nurse and for me biology is fact, not a huge myth that should not be spoken about.

This - long car ride not facing each other easier to talk. Although please don't try and guilt him into saying something by bringing in the other child aspect. My mum did that and it left decades of guilt scarring on me I had not disclosed something sooner. When a child is a victim they feel like they have lost control - they need their control back to stay safe.
Unfortunately I am taking a punt that your hubby knows what your son means - possibly something to do with rugby / changing rooms / coach etc and your hubby at the time decided not to tell you hence shutting your son down so quickly.

To those people commenting that the OP hasn’t said fhe right things and shouldn’t have used the word ‘molest’ to her DS. DH shouldn’t have minimised etc. Seriously! How many of us have the perfectly rehearsed response to a possible disclosure? How many of us say a wrong/inappropriate word here or there within the remit of family life/conversations?

Everyone is responding to this saying this was wrong or that was wrong because you have time to respond. The OP and DH didn’t because how could they have known what DS was about to say?

This is good advice

He most likely was molested, sorry op! Very delicate situation. You don’t want him to fully close down. I would get a psychologist appt for some talk therapy.
The fact he blurted out is already a positive thing.

I was molested when I was young and still can’t bring myself to tell my parents (i’m in my 40s). the thing is, I have managed throughout my 20s and 30s fairly well by blocking the memory but had chronic depression. I didn’t understand why. In my late 30s, after having children, the memory box unlocked and I was then diagnosed with complex PTSD and chronic depression.
You need to help him now, whilst he is young or this will stay with him, like a dark cloud following him around his whole life.

I'm actually not sure about the car suggestion. It literally gives him no means of escape and I don't think that's fair.

i am angry at you for using the word “molesting” so flippantly. I don’t care that you are in law. You know better so DO better.

you are part of the problem an if you said that in front of me, I would verbally take your feet from under you

Your dh response is pretty standard. It is usually to minimise the shock and pain - the idea of it - as a coping mechanism. Absolutely unhelpful when a child is trying to speak about something so serious, but no one plans for these conversations.

Op please don’t use a trip to a grandfather for this kind of conversation. It would be better to go out somewhere where he isn’t surrounded by others, or having to make conversation.

It could be another child/teen?

A 30 minute drive out for a dog walk or to look for trainers or something that can easily be cancelled.

In your place I would organise counselling additionally. He might find it easier speaking to someone that isn’t you.

I am so sorry you are going through this, I think it’s fairly unlikely he said this in jest. Try to stay calm, get support for yourself and family, and don’t push him to report it (or even suggest it) As that can feel a step too far for many survivors. Many feel more able to report once they have processed what has happened. The priority is to support him for now. Don’t forget even if turns out to be untrue, unlikely as it is, this is also a call for help. He needs more attention, care and support.

I did too.

I wondered about that too.

Ot perhaps there's some some coach or teacher who groomed DH (gained his trust as a cool/ decent guy) with a view to getting access to DS. It is possible DH has an inkling who it was or how it happened.

OP, if you get DS alone in the car, assure him you won't press him to make any decisions. Tell him you are concerned, but assure him he owes you nothing - no willingness to talk, no information. Tell him you are fully behind him and can handle anything that he says and will always have his back.
You could ask him for a name - he may not be at all willing to divulge details of what happened, where, how, or when. But assure him you are not going to press him to talk to you and will respect his privacy.

It would be helpful to have resources already researched and printed out so that he can take matters into his own hands if he wishes.

Make sure he understands that the decision to talk and who to talk to is his.