Was DS, 15, disclosing?

[Loglivelove]

(Nc for this - msg mn to check out if suspicious)

Ds is 15 and can sometimes be a bit in your face - he plays rugby and he's quite physical, always has been.

He was messing about in kitchen and I said - stop molesting me, just in a joking way.

I work in law and we use non-molestion orders. So i used the word in it's old sense - ie pester or harass. Cue a discussion about the etymology of the word, I'm a bit geeky like that.

Then ds said - I might have been molested when I was young. I was taken aback, and said - were you?

Dh was chopping veg and butted in - don't joke with mummy about things like that. That was annoying and I tried to say to ds - if you were, you must tell someone because its very wrong.

Ds said - I don't know them any more.

I said - doesn't matter because you can stop them doing it to someone else as well as being punished.

But by then he kind of backtracked and dh still trying to minimise.

So I left it that he must tell.someone if it's true and it doesn't matter who he tell, us or a teacher or the police.

Since then I've been so worried, and tried to bring it up again. But he plays along for a minute and then says he was joking.

What tf do I do now? I cant make him tell someone. He generally gets a lot of love and attention, happy in school and a great lad, I just dk what's going on.

And the fact that ds said - well i don't (or he could have said maybe I don't) know them any more. I'm sure it wouldn't have been about dh.

I'd also think this is massive red flag from DH

Of course it isn't your husband! Some people are, frankly, really rather stupid. They believe all kinds of sensationalised 'news' and think that life is a detective novel. You only have to see what happens when someone goes missing, like that poor woman Nicola Bulley. Everyone becomes a detective. It is actually quite gross.

If you think DH was just shutting it down as 'not a joking matter' that's fine, but is there any chance it's an ex-friend or a relative of your DH?

I haven’t in any way said the dad is guilty - just that it was an odd reaction. Could be many reasons for it.

None of us know.

could be any number of things.

all we know is it seems unlikely the dad will get to the truth given his reaction so far.

I think context here is really hard to judge, if you said it meant pester, the pretty much anyone with younger siblings has been pestered by them, very different to how we would generally think of molestation now.

Remember though that this is mumsnet and men are pretty much hated. Someone will be along shortly to say “Get your ducks lined up and LTB” The DS said he didn’t see them anymore. Everyone needs to stop twisting and read the facts. I once said to my DM “Imagine if I was raped” Think I was around 14 when I said it. Thankfully I’ve never been raped but still said that. Absolutely NOT saying DS is lying, just saying that dh thought he was messing around.

Is DH, your son's father ?

How did your mum react to that?

And also do you have other children?

i have no idea because I don’t know any of these people or the wider family dynamic or even the exact way the conversation played out.

I have no idea why a father would shut down a child who was taking about abuse - there are lots of possibilities.

you are certain the dad wasn’t trying to end the conversation. OP who was there and knows him thinks he was. I don’t think I know anything. You are the one claiming to be all seeing.

sorry meant to reply to @Staggeredatthisadmission

A younger dd

Sure it is! Because the DS says he doesn’t know them anymore. Er….weird as dad is chopping veg two feet away.

For the same reason you did: because it's a public forum.

Agree strange thing to say molest.

Agree strange thing to say molest.

@Loglivelove

She said something like “Sarah that’s not funny. Do you know what that means exactly?”

I know everyone is trying to lead you down the path of DH being an abuser, but his reaction is absolutely not unusual given that your DS was playing around. People on here love a good dh molestation story! Sad but true! Absolutely not saying they don’t happen, but ffs…this is really, really stretching!

Dont hound ds for more info atm. You’re likely to make him shut down further.

Remember that kids also have different interpretations of words. Again, absolutely not minimising here. For example,13 year old told his mum he was being touched inappropriately at school. Turns out he was having his hair ruffled by one boy. Yes! Totally wrong, but not thankfully what his DM feared.

As I said absolutely not minimising, just stating facts.

What's the point of your post other than to try and mock the OP?

i bet youre tough as boots and proud working class, eh?

As you said, missing the point completely

Because working-class people don’t have the intelligence to understand ‘molest’ has several applications? The classism on here is astounding…

wow.. why would an adult female accuse, even in a joking manner, their 15 year old son of 'molesting' them!

so whatever action your son was doing to you, i assume play fighting, you've now given this action a name.

so he's responded saying i may have been 'mostested' in the past.. he may have been referring to some sinster act, or he may have been being sassy and pointing out that in previous 'play fights' he's had with you, that you were in fact the 'molester'

i actually understand why your DH shut the conversation down... BUT before people come for me, i think you need to have a conversation with your DH and ask him why he felt he needed to do that?

I always took my DsD for a walk, again easier with no material distractions around. If he’s not a “walker” def. try the car trip.
It must be the not looking at each other that makes it easier to broach topics that can be difficult. Let him talk, don’t quiz too much… if there’s something there to say, hopefully it will come out.
Your DHs reaction is a little concerning, I must say.
I wish you and your DS well.🌻

I’m not claiming to be certain of anything but oddly I can read. It doesn’t take a top detective to work out that the DS is unlikely to be talking about dad as he says he does not know them anymore. I mean you’d think he’d know dad right? He’s the one chopping veg two feet away.

Yes I get you’d like it to be DH.

I used to work in Child abuse investigation OP - and taught child interviewing techniques. I would say the initial disclosure was probably the truth. He seemed to be feeling out what your response would be. Children feel a sense of responsibility to protect you from the upset so you might want to revisit the subject at a later day ( in the car journey scenario) and reiterate that you’d be fine and won’t judge him negatively. Might it have been an childhood “exploration” type incident with another child?

It might be your DH’s response was about his own denial that someone would hurt his child ( has he failed in his duty as a father ). There are specialist organisations that will help male survivors of sexual abuse if it does come to it but I sincerely hope that it’s not necessary.