Was DS, 15, disclosing?

[Loglivelove]

(Nc for this - msg mn to check out if suspicious)

Ds is 15 and can sometimes be a bit in your face - he plays rugby and he's quite physical, always has been.

He was messing about in kitchen and I said - stop molesting me, just in a joking way.

I work in law and we use non-molestion orders. So i used the word in it's old sense - ie pester or harass. Cue a discussion about the etymology of the word, I'm a bit geeky like that.

Then ds said - I might have been molested when I was young. I was taken aback, and said - were you?

Dh was chopping veg and butted in - don't joke with mummy about things like that. That was annoying and I tried to say to ds - if you were, you must tell someone because its very wrong.

Ds said - I don't know them any more.

I said - doesn't matter because you can stop them doing it to someone else as well as being punished.

But by then he kind of backtracked and dh still trying to minimise.

So I left it that he must tell.someone if it's true and it doesn't matter who he tell, us or a teacher or the police.

Since then I've been so worried, and tried to bring it up again. But he plays along for a minute and then says he was joking.

What tf do I do now? I cant make him tell someone. He generally gets a lot of love and attention, happy in school and a great lad, I just dk what's going on.

To be fair it is really unusual to be referred to as Mummy to a 15 year old. Back to the point of the thread. Just because the son said he doesn't see the molester any more, doesn't mean he doesn't see them. He could be backtracking or covering for someone.

Must be amazing to be the perfect person.

DH reaction and comment was not odd and would have been at the forefront of my mind too. You absolutely cannot joke about accusing people of something of like molestation as it can ruin lives. This is why OP was fucking weird using molestation in a ”jokey” way to begin with. Especially as someone in the legal profession who would be used to choosing their words very carefully. As for the people jumping straight to ooo red flag/DH is hiding something/DH now can’t be trusted … shame on you all. You’ve been on MN too long. Take your man-hate elsewhere.

It’s because MN loves an abuse post and it’s bonus points if it’s the husband.

If my child was starting to disclose something, I wouldn't immediately be telling them they need to report it, to stop it happening to other people. You didn't even know what had happened when you jumped in with that. It puts immense pressure on your son when he was only just starting to open up. It's a frightening prospect for him - police, courts, attention, the moral obligation that it's him that needs to stop this happening to others, when he's actually the victim.
First of all, I'd let him talk. Then later, much later, maybe months down the line, you can explore whether he night want to take it further by reporting it.

FFS the DS wouldn't be musing that he didn't know the molester any more if it was his dad or grandad! It's very common to shut down conversations if you are not emotionally equipped to deal with them which sounds like what happened here. I'm not saying it's right, I'd still be furious with DH but it doesn't make him an abuser.

My brother also went to a private boys only school. One of the top ones in the UK. What he described of his time there was shocking and the amount of boys that left school without being molested is probably very low. It's likely something has happened there.

I think your reaction OP of they must be reported, caught and punished would make anyone shut down. Your focus really should have been on your DS not on bringing the perpetrator to justice. It's likely that would have scared him off opening up more. I hope you are able to have a more open conversation with him and reassure him that all you care about is him and that he's OK. He may feel better talking to a counsellor about this.

I haven't read the full thread.

I've been involved in safeguarding for decades. This sounds very much like a disclosure to me. You did the right thing. I'm afraid your husband didn't, but I wouldn't blame him - most people would get it wrong if they haven't been trained.

If you push your son, he is likely to clam up. You can't force him into making a full disclosure. I would suggest you make it clear that you are available if he wants to talk and that you will take anything he says seriously, but you won't force him to tell anyone else. Don't promise to keep what he says confidential - depending on what is disclosed, you may need to tell someone. You can also tell him that he can talk to others - the police, social services, etc. - rather than you if he wants and they will also take anything he says seriously.

I'm afraid you need to accept that he may never tell anyone. He may prefer to keep it buried. That may be how he copes.

Thanks. What is your thoughts on texting this to ds. He jokes and makes light of any serious chat, and I cannot tell if he's properly taken it in.....

I struggle to believe any mother would use the word molest to her teenage son. Working in law, geeky... Just sound like an excuse.

Another post I can't help but think it's a fabrication.

Responding to a potential disclosure of abuse with the threat that he must disclose this to the police to protect other people is likely to make the victim retreat.

Tell him you are here for him, love him, nothing will change that, he has no obligations to anyone apart from himself and is not responsible for the behaviour of anyone else.

Do not caveat tht statement with anything. Repear... I am here to listen, you have done nothing wrong, I love you.

You must have had some time alone with DH since this event occurred by now.
Have you asked your DH why he shut the conversation down so quickly?
What was his response?
Something could have happened to him in the past to make this situation too difficult for him to deal with. Instead of instantly blaming him, he could also be a victim.
Then again, you know him best.

How was your DS last night and this morning?
Was he his usual self?

I'm a very direct person so I wouldn't be texting, I'd be finding quiet spaces to talk to both of them individually, but starting with your DH.

"Some things should never be joked about though OP, and molesting is one of them."

Oh dear. We joke about dying and murder all the time and I'd say that in most cases murder is worse.

Re use of the term "mummy".
It's really common with kids in the rowing, rugby and equestrian scenes. ie "Posh".
Just cultural, not cringey.
Makes it easier for them spot others like you and stick together I guess.

I'm still trying to get my DD to confirm what happened to her at 12 a decade on. She stopped going to school, self harmed and became mute.
Once she told me someone sexually assaulted her then withdrew it.
A friend told me the same years later as another girl had been forced to have sex at 14 with the same boy. My daughter asked me if I was calling the police which I was. She refused to cooperate. I will always be waiting for her to tell me. Her brother wouldn't listen to her and poo pooed it. He didn't want the stink at their shared school. Obviously I moved her. She'd gone to him apparently. That has meant their relationship has ever really recovered.
Keep the lines of communication open. Most SA is very close to home. I know that myself.

OP explained her use of the word and the subsequent discussion of the word's meaning perfectly adequately in the first post.

Texting it may help. It's worth a try. Be clear that it is ok if he doesn't want to say anything to you or, indeed, to anyone.

If he does decide to make a fuller disclosure to you, it is important that you listen carefully and don't ask questions. You can reflect what he's saying back at him to make sure you've understood and, if he says something that isn't clear, you can ask him to explain, but you should avoid anything beyond that. Don't push for more details and definitely don't ask questions like "did X happen".

It may be that he will never mention this to anyone again. Just make sure you are there for him if he brings it up again (and preferably that your DH is somewhere else!).

My heart just breaks for your DS. There is a high chance this happened to him.

I was repeatedly SA as an 8 year old, it was the male 16 year old babysitter. I never told my parents, even now at 47, as I didn't want to upset them. A PP mentioned that children often protect their parents, this was definitely the case for me. Your DS may never mention it to you again. Only a few people know it happened to me.

Shit that's so awful

@Loglivelove have you spoken to your husband and explained how important it is that he listens to your son?

While it is likely your son will pick up on your husbands refusal to engage in this subject, he might say something to him again. Your husband’s reaction was poor. Maybe get him to do some reading

https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/child-abuse-and-neglect/recognising-and-responding-to-abuse#article-top

@Loglivelove I just want to give you both a hug. I hope your DS does disclose what happened to him to you. Praying for you all. There has been some good advice already on the best way to approach it. The guilt is real about other potential victims, but to raise it at all would hurt people I love. So I don't.

Don’t be THAT person. OP is in the wrong. Period. You speak like that? I’ll call you out too. In public if it is said in public. So think twice before you speak of something I HOPE you know nothing of

What? What a horrible post

My DD has sexual trauma.

We often talk over text message as it's too hard to speak about for her.

Send him a text saying you're still thinking about what he said and if he wants to talk you're here and you will always believe him.

i dont think texting will be easier personally.
he will need to find words

I think this is good advice, and also that if he would like to speak to a neutral person, like a counsellor, you will support him in every way.

BTW, there is also a strong possibility that your use of the legal definition triggered a memory of inappropriate horseplay, or something on the lower scale of breaching boundaries. Don't catastrophise immediately.