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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was DS, 15, disclosing?

169 replies

Loglivelove · 14/02/2025 22:07

(Nc for this - msg mn to check out if suspicious)

Ds is 15 and can sometimes be a bit in your face - he plays rugby and he's quite physical, always has been.

He was messing about in kitchen and I said - stop molesting me, just in a joking way.

I work in law and we use non-molestion orders. So i used the word in it's old sense - ie pester or harass. Cue a discussion about the etymology of the word, I'm a bit geeky like that.

Then ds said - I might have been molested when I was young. I was taken aback, and said - were you?

Dh was chopping veg and butted in - don't joke with mummy about things like that. That was annoying and I tried to say to ds - if you were, you must tell someone because its very wrong.

Ds said - I don't know them any more.

I said - doesn't matter because you can stop them doing it to someone else as well as being punished.

But by then he kind of backtracked and dh still trying to minimise.

So I left it that he must tell.someone if it's true and it doesn't matter who he tell, us or a teacher or the police.

Since then I've been so worried, and tried to bring it up again. But he plays along for a minute and then says he was joking.

What tf do I do now? I cant make him tell someone. He generally gets a lot of love and attention, happy in school and a great lad, I just dk what's going on.

OP posts:
Geppili · 15/02/2025 04:33

Your husband's reaction was so awful, it makes me think he wanted the whole subject shut down. If my son had said something like that, my husband would have listened very attentively and carefully to his precious child. Also why 'Mummy'? How infantilising!

Christmas202 · 15/02/2025 04:42

lnks · 14/02/2025 22:33

Please don’t tell him it’s about preventing it from happening to someone else.

I was raped and when I told my parents I didn’t want to report it to the police because it was too traumatic, this is exactly what was said to me.

All of a sudden it became about protecting others. Not about helping me to heal.

Even the police told me this, like somehow it’s my fault 🤦‍♀️

MissHollysDolly · 15/02/2025 04:51

Your husbands reaction was odd. I'm not implying it was him (as DS wouldnt have brought it up with him there?) but was it someone close to DH, a family member (now deceased or not close by) or a friend?

HelmholtzWatson · 15/02/2025 05:36

arahiganay · 14/02/2025 22:36

It's a bit of a red flag that DH tried to shut down the chat

it's not a "red flag" at all. Sexual abuse is no joking matter, and therefore it's a fairly normal and natural response.

Thread like this drive me to despair. We get one sentence with no context, and people extrapolate and immediately jump to the worst possible conclusions.

Northernparent68 · 15/02/2025 06:00

HelmholtzWatson · 15/02/2025 05:36

it's not a "red flag" at all. Sexual abuse is no joking matter, and therefore it's a fairly normal and natural response.

Thread like this drive me to despair. We get one sentence with no context, and people extrapolate and immediately jump to the worst possible conclusions.

Show quote history

This

to accuse the husband, grandfather, coach without any evidence is incredibly unhelpful and patently unfair

StormInaDcup99 · 15/02/2025 06:44

ASeriesOfTubes · 14/02/2025 22:32

[misses point of post completely]

"Mummy"? At 15?

Edited

Totally bizarre that this is the comment you have on post regarding a potential case of child abuse.

I'm not saying the poster is from ireland....but even adults in some parts of ireland often call their parents mummy n daddy. .my mum, who is in her 80s, still calls her parents mummy n daddy

HoraceCope · 15/02/2025 07:04

no point worrying who it was

you need to make yourself available to your ds, for him to confide in

Frenchbluesea · 15/02/2025 07:06

ASeriesOfTubes · 14/02/2025 22:32

[misses point of post completely]

"Mummy"? At 15?

Edited

This is really your contribution? To a woman worried her son might have been sexually abused?

Frenchbluesea · 15/02/2025 07:14

I think you should gently sit your son down and tell him that whenever he’s ready to talk about it, you’re there. We all know the reasons for not wanting to disclose and your son is possibly back pedalling because it’s so overwhelming. I hope you’re ok. You must be so worried but you can’t force it out of him. He talk when he’s ready

Tangelablue · 15/02/2025 07:14

arahiganay · 14/02/2025 22:36

It's a bit of a red flag that DH tried to shut down the chat

I was thinking this. Might be worth asking dh about it. He might have sensed something was off at the time but didn't say or do anything.
I'm shocked that op said "So I left it that he must tell.someone if it's true". If its true!
Please be careful of the words you use OP. Let him know you're there to speak to if he wishes and be aware of his feelings. He's most likely confused by his experience and probably needs time to reflect and process.

HoraceCope · 15/02/2025 07:24

he might open up to his ddad rather than his dmum

MissTrip82 · 15/02/2025 07:25

HelmholtzWatson · 15/02/2025 05:36

it's not a "red flag" at all. Sexual abuse is no joking matter, and therefore it's a fairly normal and natural response.

Thread like this drive me to despair. We get one sentence with no context, and people extrapolate and immediately jump to the worst possible conclusions.

Show quote history

No it’s a really dangerous response. You can’t afford to fuck this up as a parent.

I don’t imagine if means he’s done anything but his response was terrible and not a response that helps a child
to disclose. A real opportunity lost because of stupid behaviour. It’s not benign.

effie19 · 15/02/2025 07:36

MeganM3 · 14/02/2025 23:39

With a younger DD you need to clarify that this absolutely wasn't H or anyone who could have access to DD.

Your H closing down the conversation like that is a huge alarm bell, as you know.

Don't involve him in any discussion. Allow him to think you've forgotten / not taking it seriously.

No it really isn't an alarm bell regarding the DH. Like others have pointed out, the DH is in the room when the DS made the comment, he's not going to mention it for the first time TO the abuser is he?

woodlaze · 15/02/2025 07:55

Maybe your DH knows hence trying to shut it down.

Original poster
Loglivelove · 15/02/2025 08:05

Divebar2021 · 14/02/2025 23:36

I used to work in Child abuse investigation OP - and taught child interviewing techniques. I would say the initial disclosure was probably the truth. He seemed to be feeling out what your response would be. Children feel a sense of responsibility to protect you from the upset so you might want to revisit the subject at a later day ( in the car journey scenario) and reiterate that you’d be fine and won’t judge him negatively. Might it have been an childhood “exploration” type incident with another child?

It might be your DH’s response was about his own denial that someone would hurt his child ( has he failed in his duty as a father ). There are specialist organisations that will help male survivors of sexual abuse if it does come to it but I sincerely hope that it’s not necessary.

I was rereading this @Divebar2021 thank you.
What do you think about a text msg from me to ds?
He has a tendency to distracted any serious 'chat' with jokes and levity. And if I don't feel like he's heard me, I go into repeat mode, which i know will put him off.

OP posts:
LucyMonth · 15/02/2025 08:17

Nursingadvice · 14/02/2025 22:11

This seems like a really strange interaction and reaction from you tbh.

Can people learn to read properly before commenting?

@Nursingadvice said OP’s INTERACTION with her son was strange and her DH’s REACTION was strange.

OP’s interaction with her son was jokingly saying “stop molesting me” to him which IS a strange INTERACTION. Her REACTION to her sons disclosure was not strange and @Nursingadvice never claimed it was.

As for the Mummy thing…A 15 year old referring to their Mum as Mummy is uncommon, but that isn’t what happened here. DH said “don’t joke with Mummy about that”. That is odd phrasing. Do people still refer to the other parent as “Mummy” and not “your Mummy/Mum” once their kids are teenagers? I know people don’t think this is relevant but it speaks to the juvenility of the situation. A mother jokingly saying her son is molesting her…a father saying don’t joke with Mummy to a 15 year old. It makes it difficult to determine if this situation is serious or this is just a very silly family who speaks to each other in an odd way.

If Mummy thinks it’s ok to joke about being molested by her son, maybe son thinks it’s ok to joke about being molested by someone else. It’s hard to tell.

Anothermathstutor · 15/02/2025 08:24

LucyMonth · 15/02/2025 08:17

Can people learn to read properly before commenting?

@Nursingadvice said OP’s INTERACTION with her son was strange and her DH’s REACTION was strange.

OP’s interaction with her son was jokingly saying “stop molesting me” to him which IS a strange INTERACTION. Her REACTION to her sons disclosure was not strange and @Nursingadvice never claimed it was.

As for the Mummy thing…A 15 year old referring to their Mum as Mummy is uncommon, but that isn’t what happened here. DH said “don’t joke with Mummy about that”. That is odd phrasing. Do people still refer to the other parent as “Mummy” and not “your Mummy/Mum” once their kids are teenagers? I know people don’t think this is relevant but it speaks to the juvenility of the situation. A mother jokingly saying her son is molesting her…a father saying don’t joke with Mummy to a 15 year old. It makes it difficult to determine if this situation is serious or this is just a very silly family who speaks to each other in an odd way.

If Mummy thinks it’s ok to joke about being molested by her son, maybe son thinks it’s ok to joke about being molested by someone else. It’s hard to tell.

Edited
Show quote history

When something is different to your experience, that doesn’t make it odd. Mummy is very common in teenage years especially amongst the privately educated. I wonder if OP’s children are / DH was.

OP used the term in its original use. There isn’t anything weird about it, just different. Again, perhaps speaking to class differences. I use the word in its original sense often.

LucyMonth · 15/02/2025 08:32

I also think people are being too harsh to DH in his reaction.

He said “stop joking WITH Mummy about that” because to be fair…Mummy did start all this by jokingly saying her son was molesting her and he’s distracted cooking and probably only half hearing this bizarre interaction.

Bellyblueboy · 15/02/2025 08:35

Thunderpants88 · 15/02/2025 01:43

i am angry at you for using the word “molesting” so flippantly. I don’t care that you are in law. You know better so DO better.

you are part of the problem an if you said that in front of me, I would verbally take your feet from under you

It’s a word. With two meanings. A word isn’t the problem. It’s the actions that are.

You would verbally attack someone for using the word molest? Would you run screaming into a court if someone applied for a non molestation order?

OP isn’t part of the problem of child abuse because she used a word using a different definition than you recognise.

Cattreesea · 15/02/2025 08:36

You need to have a conversation with your son on your own in a quiet, safe environment and to make sure your husband is not there.

Start by telling him that you want to talk about what he said in the kitchen and that he can tell you anything, including anything that would involve a relative/friend and so on, and that you are to support him and believe him.

His father's reaction was odd to say the least.

Also you said you have a daughter too? maybe have a general conversation with her about how it is important for her to feel free to speak to you if anyone ever makes her feel uncomfortable and does not respect her boundaries.

LucyMonth · 15/02/2025 08:38

Anothermathstutor · 15/02/2025 08:24

When something is different to your experience, that doesn’t make it odd. Mummy is very common in teenage years especially amongst the privately educated. I wonder if OP’s children are / DH was.

OP used the term in its original use. There isn’t anything weird about it, just different. Again, perhaps speaking to class differences. I use the word in its original sense often.

Show quote history

Again, people need to learn to read…

Where did I say it was “weird” or “odd”. I said it was LESS COMMON for a 15 year old to use that verbiage. Which it just factually is. It may be more common in certain demographics but in the population as a whole it is less common than saying “Mum”.

BlwyddynNewydd · 15/02/2025 08:42

Is/was he at the same school your husband went to? I've just been listening to the BBC podcast about sec abuse in private schools. And the dynamics of this type of interaction, and the need to brush it under the carpet.

I think your son is making a clear disclosure. And your husband can't cope with it.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 15/02/2025 08:43

@Loglivelove does anyone else think the dad was trying to protect someone? is grandfather alive?

SarahLdn740 · 15/02/2025 08:43

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 14/02/2025 22:19

I'd be worried too, and furious with DH.

Only thing I can suggest is that when I was a teen and DM was worried about me seeming 'off' she'd sometimes sit in my bedroom with me in the dark after I'd gone to bed, so I couldn't see her. It was definitely easier to talk about something difficult that way. Might be worth a try?

This

GreyAreas · 15/02/2025 08:45

Its very difficult because kids can't disclose stuff without losing the control over what happens - you or any adult he talks to might need to decide what to do with that information. Tell him inappropriate touching and sexual abuse are sadly very common, completely not ok, and he can decide how he feels about it and whether he wants to say anything more, now or in the future.