NC to comment. I'd tread carefully with what you say to her.
I grew up in a working class poor area. School was rough. I enjoyed learning and wanted to see the world. I felt like I didn't fit in with the people there. I spent my teenage years desperately wanting to get out. I used to watch sitcoms and imagine moving to New York and having a sitcom life with the job and the friends and the apartment in some high rise.
I moved away to a city for uni then a further away even bigger city for postgrad. Then I lived abroad working in different countries all across the world. I travelled a lot. I do not regret it at all. I have some amazing memories. I learned so much and became more open-minded and I feel it's made me who I am today. I wouldn't trade those experiences for the world.
However, once I wanted to settle down and have kids I was really drawn to going 'home'. I've come back now and I don't regret it - although my focus is trying to live in a nicer area and get DS into one of the nicer schools. I know a lot of people probably see it as me now being trapped or giving up a wonderful life to come back to this, but I don't see it like that at all.
There's so much to be said for being close to family, and for a child being close to their extended family. My parents and siblings were the only ones I had a close family relationship with growing up. My grandparents, aunties, uncles, cousins etc didn't live too close and I had varying levels of closeness with them. In adulthood I have only an acquaintance level of relationship with my extended family. When all of my grandparents passed away, most of the loss I felt wasn't really for me but more a sadness for my parents because they'd lost their parents. When we did visit my grandparents, I always felt like I was performing and once I got home I'd let out a deep breath and feel I could go back to normal.
Other people I knew growing up saw their grandparents loads, they'd spend time with them without parents, talk on the phone all the time and generally just seem to feel completely comfortable with them. I did kind of envy that and as soon as I had a child, I knew I wanted him to have that.
I absolutely love seeing DS' relationship with his extended family. He loves them so much. He's comfortable enough to be naughty. He is shy with most people but runs up to them when he sees them. His cousins are all older and adore him.
It's the small things. It's the difference of being able to go around for a cup of tea rather than needing to go for a 'visit' for a weekend or week like a special occasion. It's my brother popping a 'fancy going to the pub for lunch?' in the family chat and knowing it doesn't need to be planned in advance because everyone's nearby.
When I was living abroad in a big city, I did make friends quickly and we were all so far from home that friends kind of became like family. It was the closest to the sitcom-life I'd dreamed about that I think you could really get in real life. We saw each other constantly, went on holiday together etc. However, when a friendship ends because of falling out or people moving away or whatever, you realise it's not even sort of as unconditional or stable as those family bonds are. It's why for most people, having both family and friend bonds around is the ideal although obviously not everyone is lucky enough to get that.
Amongst the expat communities I was in, there was a real shared feeling that almost everyone who'd been there a long time echoed, which was that you can become quite jaded with how transient everyone in your life is. These are the same conversations I've had with people living in places from Australia, Dubai or Vietnam.
Talking smaller than that - just moving to maybe a big city in the UK that's a bit more young and trendy and has stuff going on. Maybe Edinburgh or London or whatever. It's not some magic solution. It's not easy trying to make really close friends as an adult in a new place when everyone already has a lot of established friendships. You can go to all the groups and meetups and have hobbies, but to move from a relationship of "person at my writers group who I like and chat to" to "person I can call in the middle of the night when something's gone wrong" is not an easy leap.
Having family around, especially when you're in the thick of it with a newborn really cannot be underestimated. I'm not talking 'free babysitter' - I'm just talking about having a hug and a cup of tea, and someone else to try burping him when it feels like you just cannot do it anymore.
I think when people say things to me about how awful it is here, they're projecting their own feelings of wishing they'd seen the world. The thing is, for me, I've seen what I wanted to see. I did it and I don't regret it but it doesn't mean it's the life I want forever. I feel like the teenage me who wanted all that stuff got it and is satisfied.
I don't feel like I've lost the benefits of that stuff when I returned. I still have the memories and experiences and all the positives that came with it. I feel like if tomorrow I decided I wanted to move to Thailand, for example, I'd happily apply for a job, be able to sort it, get on a flight and wouldn't feel particularly nervous. I'd feel quite confident I have the ability to negotiate a good package, and navigate being there. To me, I don't feel like I've gone back to being trapped because I feel like the door is always open.
There are always pros and cons. I am aware that I'm making a choice to raise DS here, when I could just as easily be raising him in some big, international, trendy city where he'd speak several languages and have lots of extra-curricular opportunities open to him. I do take that seriously and do have moments of worrying about that.
At the same time, I've weighed everything up and decided that the benefits of having close family ties outweighs it right now. All I can do is try and balance things the best I can by trying to make sure he's raised to value the things I want him to value, give him the opportunities I can and try to live in a nicer area.
A lot of the people critical of, or confused about my decision, I think wish they'd gone off and done things themselves and see it as the inherently better option, no matter what the situation. I don't see it that way.
Living in a big city, working in a fancy office block etc. is not all there is to life. Humans are naturally drawn to staying close to family, and that urge hit me like a tonne of bricks once I was pregnant. I feel happy here now, knowing I did see the world. I can always change my mind and move. If my mum was really disappointed in me for returning back I'd be so offended. We don't get forever with our families and it's not a bad thing that she wants her and her future children to have a close relationship with you.