Struggling to hide my disappointment at DD returning to a sleepy village

[Cazzai]

Okay, first of all this is no hate on village life, I have lived in a village my whole life, as has my son and we couldn't be happier but this about DD specifically.

My DD is 26, we have lived in a relatively poor Scottish village, honestly it is the type of place that is really hard to get out of, I remember having a conversation with DD where we realised only 3 people from my DDs class of 25 in primary school had moved out of the immediate area at 25. Staying in the area is pretty limiting too, it is commuting distance from Glasgow but the reality is, education is poor, there are massive drug issues and so many young people around here just fall onto these paths. My son has never really managed to escape the cycle, he didn't get great grades at school, pissed around with the wrong people through college and while he is now building a career it is unlikely he will ever leave this area and his kids will no doubt face many of the struggles he has.
My DD however has been one of the lucky few who seem to have been able to break the cycle, she got the top grades for her year at her school, studied abroad for 4 years becoming the first person in our family to get a degree (extending to aunts/uncles and cousins too), saved while studying and managed to do a little over a year of travel (some what difficult thanks to covid) and then settled in Australia to do a 3 year post grad, which she just finished at the end of last year. I think it is beyond remarkable what she has achieved from having a less than ideal start and I'm so incredibly proud of her.
She is also engaged, they've been together 2 years and he proposed at Christmas. He is a bit older than her (34), but also by almost sheer coincidence is Scottish.
DD has recently announced they will be moving back to Scotland, her partner is a teacher and has a job offer for a private school, senior leadership role next school year, they will be coming in April/May. They have decided on looking for a house in some villages 40 minutes or so from the city he will be working in, this is where his family live and while they are more affluent villages than ours, it is still very much sleepy, rural Scotland. They have said they are coming back as they want to start a family and they want their future children to be close to their extended family.
Now don't get me wrong I'm delighted DD will be close again, for the first time in 8 years I will be able to just go meet her for lunch, but if I'm honest, I'm a little devastated too, she worked so hard for all the success she has achieved and now she's giving up all that adventure and freedom.
In my head I know it is irrational, but my heart just feels sad and I don't think I'm hiding it very well either. DD said the last time we spoke "you don't seem all that excited about me coming back". AIBU to be a little disappointed that she is giving it all up after all the work she put in to get out?

As someone who grew up in central London, spent part of my adolescence living in the States and now lives in a fairly sleepy part of Scotland with no family support around, I think your DD is absolutely living the dream.

Her DH will likely have an excellent income and future kids may well get hefty fee reductions if they want to go to his school.
She has a brilliant qualification and physios - NHS and private - are in high demand.
Her kids will have loving grandparents, uncle etc around which you cannot put a value on. I live somewhere a lot of people don't leave for generations and I can't tell you how much I envy my friends who have parents, aunts, uncles etc on tap for support. I feel really sad for my kids that they don't have that.

All that said. DH is Scottish (none of his family left here though) and I think he would completely understand how you feel. There is a certain parochialism and lack of ambition within the education system - at least where we are - that he finds really, really wearing. For me I see it but it's offset by how beautiful Scotland is, how kind the people we know are, and a heap of other things.

But no matter your feelings it's so important your DD feels nothing but welcomed home.

I genuinely cannot imagine being anything other than delighted that my DD wouldn’t be living in AUS forever and instead would be moving an hour from me with her soon to be husband and building a life near me.

You would get to see her less than once a year in AUS in the long run and the time distance makes it a nightmare to be close. You’re really so snobby about your own shit life in a village that you would rather your DD had no family near by to meet your arbitrary definition of success which involves “moving away” as one of the check list?

I think you're projecting all your feelings about your own village on to your daughter. Who's to say she'll have the same experience in her village? Not all villages have high crime rates, drug taking etc.
Also, You seem to see it as an irreversible decision. It's not. There are two outcomes here: 1) they'll love village life and be happy (this is a great outcome), 2) they won't like village life and will choose to move. This is also fine. They both have good careers so they're not going to be stuck in the village as your son is. They'll easily be able to move if they don't like it.
Some people like village life. It suits them. I don't see why it has to be a disaster. You're just making this massive assumption that their village life will be the same as yours and that they'll be stuck their for the rest of their lives.

OP, is there no way you could move? It sounds thoroughly bloody depressing where you live

Nah, I moved from England to Scotland. Very rural and it is the absolute dream. I’m sure some areas have issues but the villages close to me, other than the odd “some kids are doing knock door run and annoying me” post on Facebook, all is calm. Schools are ace and the countryside is stunning. I’ve never felt anything but welcome here.

You are trying to force your views on your children. This isn't good. Not everybody wants the same way of life. I'd hate farming life. Some folk love it. Doesn't mean they're wrong and I'm right.

OP She must have enjoyed her childhood then and wants her children to have the same.

She is not giving anything up, she still has that education and al those experiences.

To be honest if I was considering starting a family being near relatives and not in a foreign country would be a big advantage.

Also, Killearn/Balfron is just the sort of place where there are people with money to pay for private physio. She has a market on her doorstep should she choose to go down the private path, if she lived in the city then there are all the issues around space/parking.

This whole thread is downright weird - "I'm unhappy living in my Scottish village with lots of deprivation and social problems and I'm disappointed my daughter has chosen to live in a totally different Scottish village which is not deprived and has good schools/community rather than in a big city like Glasgow where there are also social problems and deprivation".

She has the priceless gift of choice OP. She's been around the world and choosen where she wants to raise her family. That is truly to be grateful for

She's not going to give her children the same though. She has chosen a middle-class, prosperous village rather than a deprived village. Apples and oranges.

Wow, OP! She has achieved so much, but has clearly had such a brilliant upbringing and opportunities that now she wants her DC to experience the same?
You’re over-thinking this: what a fantastic compliment that she wants her DC to have the same idyllic lifestyle that you gave her, and to be close to you, too.
With her and her DH being as they are, it’s not inconceivable that her DC will follow in their parents footsteps, and not be limited by their surroundings…

I haven't read everything but don't project your worries and continue your knee jerk reaction. She will be living in rural Scotland on a totally different footing to those who never left the area they were born and who live troubled lives. It's on her terms and she has done so much.

See the positives. She obviously enjoyed enough about her family and upbringing to be willing to come back to some aspect of it.

Oh, OP, I get exactly what you mean. I live in a North Ayrshire hellhole. It's riddled with drug and alcohol problems, the schools , especially secondary, are unbelievably poor and almost no-one escapes. I would be utterly gutted if any of my kids decided to settle here. I wouldn't be so sad if the chosen to live somewhere like the Mearns, though. But, tbh, I think I would be happier if they moved abroad in the long term. There is nothing here for them really and they are all highly qualified in specialised fields.

I think, though, that if your DD is looking at around the Balfron area, it's not so bad. It's a beautiful place with good schools and it's much more affluent than the likes of Irvine, Cumnock or Patna. And, on the bright side, you'll be able to see her and any grandkids you might have. Try not to show her how sad you are about it. It's not worth ruining your relationship over.

OP, your thread is too outing, please ask for it to be deleted. Your DD will never speak to you again if they find it.

It would not bother me one jot I would just be so grateful her distance away was not as far as Australia. I live in a city and dream to live in a certain village by the sea. It sounds like she has a fantastic job offer !

I know the area you grew up in well and yes, it is an area with problems as you describe.

However, your DD and partner have made a successful life together and are now returning to a different part of Scotland to raise a family.

Lots of people once they get over the excitement of living in cities etc retreat to villages to settle down in, why on earth would you be disappointed in any of it?

I don’t think you should be sad in this situation actually. She has achieved a great education and lived abroad and has decided after all of that she likes the place she came from best! It sounds like they will be living in a more affluent area and as they are well educated they will probably be encouraging their children academically. They might also send their kids to private school if he is teaching at one. She has already broken out of the cycle you are worried about.

Killearn and Balfron are good, though. About equidistant from Edinburgh and Glasgow, Train from Dunblane or Milgavnie respectively. But Perthshire is also an option, closer to Dunblane such as Blackford or Auchterarder. Blackford is really small of course, but Auchterarder has good options for her as well if she can network a connection with Gleneagles.

As a qualified physiotherapist she could work for the NHS, or privately, or both. I happen to know a physiotherapist who has his own business and who is doing very well indeed, financially and in every other way. She will be fine.

It feels really positive to me @Cazzai .
she obviously loves Scotland and has a profession where she can work anywhere so will be fine if/ when she works.
You will be near your DD and grandchildren in the future. She’s looking to live somewhere nice … she has a really promising and lovely life path ahead of her.
it shows how much you love her that you want her to be in the best place possible regardless of your own happiness and missing her - but she has chosen that best place for her and it’s Scotland - and so I hope you can embrace it xx

DD is actually quite lucky, she doesn't have any student loans, her own dad passed away when she was little the inheritance doesn't count as lucky given her dad passed away when she was little.
She will have had a very difficult childhood compared to many as a result of that loss.

I get it OP but she has choices. She has had a taste outside of the village, has qualifications, life and travel experience and this is her choice to return.

If she had no choice and came back I can see how the disappointment would be greater but please know she made this choice with her eyes wide open about her future and has all these wonderful experiences under her belt that should she choose to move again in the future will serve her better than someone who has never known anything else.

Killearn and Balfrom are absolutely gorgeous areas to live in. Very safe, affluent, lovely communities to raise kids in with community activities and lots to do. It’s far from sleepy, there’s always stuff happening.

OP you live in an Ayrshire village and these are some of the most deprived places in Scotland If you look on the Scottish Index of Multiple Deprevation you will see Killearn and Balfron are 100 miles away from them in terms of the demographic there, the affluence and the ammenities.

I hope this puts your mind at rest.

I am from SW Scotland a small town with similar issues. I went off to uni on a city, neither of my parents had and I was the first one out my Dad's family to go to uni. Worked for a couple of years abroad, came back did a post grad and then met my NI husband. We live in a quiet village - over the East side of Scotland and whilst on paper it may seem 'dull' or 'limiting' the reality is we have a really good life. Yes we could have more adventures but we have a good home, our children are thriving, they have a wonderful pace of life that involves opportunities but also just being outside on the beach, forest and countryside on our literal doorstep. We have good friends and I am very content.

Just because she isn't off gallivanting around the world doesn't mean she has given up. After all having kids is a pretty big challenge. It sounds as though her DH and her will have good jobs and future children will have good opportunities. It sounds all very stable and happy and that's pretty good given your concerns about the start on life your area offers.

It maybe speaks more that you are not feeling fulfilled and used her adventures as a way of getting that feeling. If you can maybe figure out new ways to feel that. I do get it. I have family members who didn't escape and I worry about them but it sounds as though your daughter is making good choices.

It sounds like your village is very depressing OP, and perhaps you are questioning some of your own life choices or what you wish you had done or has been able to do at your daughter's age. But your daughter's situation is completely different - she's well educated, has a profession, well travelled and debt free. What this gives her is the privilege of choice. Killearn and Balfron are desirable places to live, with many professionals choosing to move there to benefit from the beautiful scenery, good schools and strong communities while being able to easily commute to Glasgow. But your daughter won't be stuck there - she's only in her 20s, she might well move again. It sounds like you feel you are stuck and that is actually the issue.