To report what a comedian said to me 6 years ago

[Redspottyfrog]

Was at a works do at a hotel in a certain north west town, very famous for entertainment and shows and such, and they had a guy on telling jokes and introducing various forms of entertainment.
He was not funny at all and was being very crude (I am not a prude but that way he was doing it was just yuck)

anyway he catches sight of me and yells “omg look at the size of those knockers, they are huge” everyone laughs while I die a little inside.
he then proceeds to get 3 blokes up on stage to “check me out”. These blokes are looking me up and down like I am a piece of meat.

The guy then asked me to stand up and jump up and down so they bounce so the men can have a really good luck. At this stage I get up and walk out and the guy is shouting what a prude I am and for goodness sake love it was only a laugh.

I am in tears at this stage and go back to my room in the hotel. I phone my husband who insists on coming to get me even though it was a two hour drive. None of my colleagues came to check on me. When husband gets there I am waiting for him and he tries to insist he goes into the hotel and demands to speak to someone but I get in that much of a state he just gives me a hug and takes me home.

the worst thing is I did not do anything, I did not complain I just wanted to put it behind me. Also my colleagues really took the piss and I ended up leaving (luckily it was a job I was only doing a few hours at to make some extra money)

the reason it is playing on my mind is all these allegations coming out about certain male celebs. I am awake now thinking about it. I know this guy is not a celeb but he actually still works at this hotel and does the Christmas cabaret shows so he has no doubt done this to other women. I have always been angry at myself for not doing anything and a still have the odd nightmare about it. Do I make a complaint now or just accept it’s too late and in the past

Being a crude comedian is not an offence but personally I don't like that sort of comedy. By all means write to the hotel but I suspect people book to go there to see that kind of act, they won't mind.

The fact you were with work so didn't actively choose to book it yourself means you were at an event you didn't choose.

I actually think your work was a bit negligent booking for you to be at such a show for a work event

I would email the hotel and tell them what you told us. There’s every chance they will take it seriously. I think what he did was absolutely disgusting.

But what is a hotel going to do 6 years later, you are just adding to someone’s workload.
a review of the comedian could work but if he’s changed since then then they may not be fair.
I think it’s one of things that needed to be complained about at the time and now it’s too late

Six years is far too long a time to make a report to the hotel in my opinion. You should have spoken up nearer the time but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I can understand your anger, reading your OP reminds me of my childhood bullies.

Why are people here trying to get the OP sued for defamation and libel?

She must not leave a defamatory review unless she has proof. She could end up in so much trouble. She is still obsessing over an incident from 6 years ago (a horrible incident absolutely). What on earth makes anybody think being taken to court for libel and defamation will make her life better?

OP unless you have proof do not listen to these people. They have no skin in the game and it's not their lives that will be turned upside down if an entitled, sleazy sexist man decides to sue you and those sort of men are exactly the sorts who would.

You should have reported it 6 years ago. You did not. I am sorry it happened to you. You will have to find a way to move past it.

It’s not just the comedian - did you report this at your place of work?

Someone “taking the piss” and presumably about your breasts is a serious issue in the workplace.

This it was your works fault. You should have complained to them but unless they are still doing similar events now I don’t see the point. The world has moved on a lot in the last few years in relation to what is acceptable

Is that what people answering the poll are saying? Surely they're saying its unreasonable to report it after this long and who to

The poll isnt nuanced enough

You dont need to keep sighing, its highly unlikely wouldnt you think that people think OP is unreasonable to be upset.

I think that's horrific and humiliating. Using humiliation to make others laugh shows the low base of that comedian.

Sadly I'm not sure a complaint will do anything but part of me would be tempted to send an email detailing events to the hotel - just to help my head.

I totally get why you dust make an issue at the event when all you probably wanted to do was not draw anymore attention to yourself.

I went to a recent social event of a club I'm a member of which is very male dominated. I walk in and one man said "are you the stripper?" Several of the others laughed, some looked embarrassed, no one pulled him up on it. I'll remember this for quite a while - the comment and how people reacted .So I get how it stays with you.

1. you absolutely did not overreact and are not now overreacting
2. you can absolutely report him to his employer now
3. for anyone saying “this is just what these sorts of comedians are like”, what a bloody awful step back in time…making disparaging remarks about a strangers body to raise a cheap laugh for ‘entertainment’ is not now and has not ever been ok. If we contribute to overlook gross behaviour, it carries on.

OP, if I were you I would write an email to his employer, it will be received however they wish to receive it, but what he did wasn’t ok & hopefully there are other complaints on file that this will add to. Don’t have any expectations on an outcome but do it all the same.

If everyone says nothing, he will be allowed to carry on unchecked.

He probably has done it before and there may well have been complaints. You should have complained at the time. I still think it’s worth doing so though because he is still there and if there have been other complaints then yours will add to the weight of them. Have you any proof that you went to the hotel at that time such as emails? The fact that it is still weighing on your mind shows what a horrible experience it was for you.

I think I'd probably call or write to him at this point because

1. Police probably won't do anything and do you want to see it through?
2. He might have changed. Genuinely, six years is a long time for some people and there's a chance he may have settled down, changed job and social group and started a family and deeply regret it, which I think might give you closure.

I'm not minimising your experience here but this saying in solidarity: you sadly aren't alone. Almost every woman has had a very troubling experience, be it humiliation, groping, shouted at or called names for "not being flattered". Most women will understand. So if you do report to the hotel, try finding a female manager or having a female staff member there as well so it makes it harder for a male manager to brush it off. Try to book an appointment for the discussion so you srent in tears in the lobby with queues of people. Sorry this happened to you.

You're not being unreasonable. You were sexually harassed and humiliated in public then bullied by your colleagues about it afterwards. I would leave an online review and ask to speak to the manager of the hotel. That you are upset six years later only underlines how out of order this man's behaviour was, it's not a sign of weakness on your part.

I think this is a good idea

These things take time to process and your timescale is personal. So please ignore comments telling you it’s too late now, or the time to do something was years ago. It’s not. It’s now. Because you’re ready now.

Start with a review of the “comedian”. This is very high impact and valuable thing to do. I wouldn’t want to go to an event like this. And I definitely wouldn’t want to be responsible for the potential fallout of organising a workshop event involving such a person.

Then consider if and how you want to address what happened in your workplace. Whether you can pursue it through legal channels is one thing, but you can still raise complaints and challenge people’s behaviour and conduct,

Have you had counselling? It might help a lot, particularly as you’re still having nightmares. And to deal with the feelings around doing nothing at the time.

You didn’t do nothing - you got up and walked out, even amid jeering and considerable social pressure to endure the humiliation. You reached out to a reliable source of help, and you got to safety. None of that was nothing.

But I also know the torturous repercussions of not having done more so please don’t think I’m trying to dismiss or belittle you. Like you I stopped my “rescuer” from scorching the earth and I wish I hadn’t, or that she (in my case) had just gone ahead anyway but she put my needs first in the moment which I’m also grateful for. But it’s an awful emotional conundrum.

wishing you well op whatever you decide to do next 💐

What an awful thing to happen to you op. What a vile man. And what vile ex-workmates.
But - what a lovely husband you have to come and get you straight away. He clearly appreciated how understandably upset you were and understood why.

You're absolutely not over-reacting. It's horrible that this extremely unpleasant and humiliating event continues to play on your mind. No point in tackling the 'comedian' about it. But I would leave a review on any website he has and on the hotel's website about him being talentless, offensive and misogynistic.

No, that was awful and must have been so humiliating. I think it's not technically a crime though, being a twat seems to be legal.

Have you seen the crude stuff Jimmy Carr says about women?
I’m afraid it’s considered acceptable in comedy.
It shouldn’t be but it is.
I boycotted a works event where he was booked as host.
Not that it made any difference to anyone.

I’m sorry you went through this though, but I don’t think you can do much now. Your DH sounds wonderful.

He hasn't committed a crime so have nothing to report but I would do a review.

See if the guy has an agent or works through an agency and complain to them. Or on his social media.

Were there any warning you were going to get roasted? Some 'comedians' put this as a warning on their posters.

This type of behaviour has never been acceptable. It has been tolerated, but no, it has never been acceptable. Women have always been exposed to this kind of behaviour and maybe 40 years ago we'd be expected to endure it, or even treat it as flattery, but FFS, six years ago, we were well into the "me too" movement. I'm so shocked at female posters minimising the actual experience and the corporate aftermath.. Six years ago your colleagues would have been sacked for taking the matter into work after the event, if the correct channels had been pursued.

You need therapy or some self-examination to process the main reason you are still feeling bad: the pig who verbally abused you, the colleagues who allowed this to pass, the company who did not monitor and sanction their subsequent behaviour, maybe even your husband if he also tried to minimise this, or perhaps yourself for not feeling empowered and calling out the comedian. You've probably gone through a dozen alternative scenarios in your head about what could have been done differently. You need to either resolve these behaviours or accept the bits you cannot change.

I am unsure whether six years is too long ago from a legal perspective, but I think I would ask a solicitor to look into sexual harassment/hate crime/verbal abuse. Send the hotel/the comedian's agent a summary of the behaviour that night, what it lead to and the legal consequences if he repeats this behaviour. As PP have suggested, you might not even send the letter, but you may feel better knowing that it's there.

The man is a pig. I will never forget listening to the radio to that asshole Chris Moyles, about 30 years ago, telling a female caller to make a pig noise and then saying "squeal like the pig you are". That moment of horror and powerlessness has stuck with me and I was just a listener.

You did not overreact and you are not a prude.

You were sexually objectified and made to feel small by a horrible little man.

Your reaction and upset is entirely justified but, kindly, I would encourage you to concentrate on the things you can control.

Some grotty end-of-the-pier ‘comedian’ whose career pinnacle is a hotel cabaret is not worth your anguish.

Concentrate on how strong you are, knowing that this was wrong and understanding that humour does not come at the expense of an individual. Concentrate on how thoughtful your husband is, and how loved you are.

There’s a word for someone who belittles someone else for their own gratification - a bully.

And bullies are small, pathetic people who are quite often hiding their own inadequacies.

Think of him in that way because he holds no power over you. Your body is beautiful and his objectification doesn’t change that.

I would do online reviews. I don't think you can do more than that, but that's probably the best you can do and what can harm him the most

OP you have every right to be upset, that is gross. If the comedian is well known enough you could certainly try going to the press about it. You could also make a formal complaint to their agent and the hotel. In fact, do all of the above. You won’t be the only one. This type of ‘comedy’ which may have been acceptable a decade or so ago, is being called out for what it is: thinly veiled misogyny. If you search the comedian online you may find other women with similar experiences. Your workplace should not have subjected you to that and should be inviting acts who humiliate the staff under their protected characteristics. You shouldn’t have to put up with it. 💐