To report what a comedian said to me 6 years ago

[Redspottyfrog]

Was at a works do at a hotel in a certain north west town, very famous for entertainment and shows and such, and they had a guy on telling jokes and introducing various forms of entertainment.
He was not funny at all and was being very crude (I am not a prude but that way he was doing it was just yuck)

anyway he catches sight of me and yells “omg look at the size of those knockers, they are huge” everyone laughs while I die a little inside.
he then proceeds to get 3 blokes up on stage to “check me out”. These blokes are looking me up and down like I am a piece of meat.

The guy then asked me to stand up and jump up and down so they bounce so the men can have a really good luck. At this stage I get up and walk out and the guy is shouting what a prude I am and for goodness sake love it was only a laugh.

I am in tears at this stage and go back to my room in the hotel. I phone my husband who insists on coming to get me even though it was a two hour drive. None of my colleagues came to check on me. When husband gets there I am waiting for him and he tries to insist he goes into the hotel and demands to speak to someone but I get in that much of a state he just gives me a hug and takes me home.

the worst thing is I did not do anything, I did not complain I just wanted to put it behind me. Also my colleagues really took the piss and I ended up leaving (luckily it was a job I was only doing a few hours at to make some extra money)

the reason it is playing on my mind is all these allegations coming out about certain male celebs. I am awake now thinking about it. I know this guy is not a celeb but he actually still works at this hotel and does the Christmas cabaret shows so he has no doubt done this to other women. I have always been angry at myself for not doing anything and a still have the odd nightmare about it. Do I make a complaint now or just accept it’s too late and in the past

@Redspottyfrog

Of course you can report it. For all you know, a lot of other women have too and you would be adding to a history of complaints against him. At the very least you will feel you've done something. Write a calm factual account of what happened and send it to the hotel management. If you can find out who his agent is, send a copy to him too. He sounds vile-I am sorry this happened to you.

It might not be illegal but it wad very offensive.
Complain....even if it comes to nothing you will have let off some steam..I bet all the naysayers on here would complain about a lot less.

Sorry this happened to you and your colleagues were so horrible. Interestingly the law on sexual harassment at work is changing and it’s no longer enough for firms to be reactive to sexual harassment type behaviour - they have to actively have a plan to try and prevent it. I had to do some e-learning this week.
Not much good now but that company could have been in breach if managers were aware you had been harassed in front of managers and not supported. Even if you didn’t complain at the time.
Definitely not one for the Police!

I think you should actually contemplate emaillling his agent and threaten to go to the media. This is absolutely not okay. Has anyone from work contacted you since? I'm so very sorry this happened to you.

Do you think reporting/complaining will help you emotionally?
The most important thing here is your emotional wellbeing. I'm pretty sure rhe hotel know exactly how disgusting this guys act is... Will they take a complaint after this time seriously? And an online review could be deleted .

Hopefully the ride is turning against this "comedians". If you have to belittle people, you aren't funny or talented, just a bully.

What could happen is that they become more aware that this guy is upsetting some of their guests, and the next time someone complains, they take it more seriously.

OP, I absolutely think it is worth telling the hotel what happened. There won't be any 'outcome' as such, but it raises their awareness.

It has obviously had a deep and lasting impact on you, and it was bullying, misogynistic and just really fucking unpleasant.

If someone else comes forward in future and says the same, it gradually builds a picture. (Or, you never know, there might already be a history of past complaints that you are adding to).

I can relate to how you're feeling, OP, I can still remember when I was a student having some horrible things said to me and my friend by a comedian in a pub in Dublin (comments about our breasts, a 'joke' about raping us, he tried to pull us up onto stage to slap our arses but I absolutely refused to move and then he called me a prude). I should've said something to the venue on the day but I was too upset and just wanted out of there by the end of it. I don't know if that was this guys schtick (it was a pretty small room, he was one of four or five acts on that night), maybe it was just par for the course and if we'd been in the smartphone era I'd have Googled him and realised.

That being said, it's really up to you whether you report it - personally I would just leave a review somewhere and try to move on, but you may feel you need to do more than that for your own peace of mind.

OP , you haven't over reacted and never have to feel flattered by a disgusting pervert comedian who likes to make crude jokes to make himself look like the man !

I would give him a review saying he was unfunny, really picked on people, mocked their appearance and made sexually offensive jokes about them and again, none of it was remotely funny and the audience hated it which made for a bad atmosphere and a crap night out . That will give other people who also hate that sort of thing a heads up and is honest and deserved. Your timescale is personal, you're ready to act now so do it!

I hate those kind of shows where audience members are picked on and ridiculed whilst the audience laugh. Whilst it wasn’t nice, I think you should have complained at the time rather than years later. They won’t do anything, so i’d just try and put it behind you.

This wasn't okay and you did not 'over react'.

Disgusting misogynistic unfunny and sad little prick of a bloke.

If he is still performing at that hotel I would definitely complain to the hotel in writing/e-mail and leave reviews on Google or whatever else as someone suggested upthread.

I think the complaint at the time should've been levied at a company who thought it was ok to book this for a work occasion, the male colleagues who engaged with sexually harassing you and the management who did nothing to follow up if you were ok. You probably would've had grounds for constructive dismissal.

You haven’t overreacted. I would’ve felt and reacted exactly as you did, and that’s ok. It’s not an overreaction it’s how you feel.
It wasn’t SA so it’s not a police matter, and the hotel likely won’t care because it was so long ago.
I would strike it down to a bad experience and move on. You can swerve that hotel / group of hotels in future.
No you shouldn’t have felt flattered if that isn’t the kinda of commentary that makes you feel flattered. You’re not required to be appreciative of any attention simply because it came from a male.
If anything, your colleagues sound like a bunch of arseholes for not coming to see if you’re ok.

You did not over react and the first few posts were not very supportive. I have a large chest myself and as a teenager and young woman men would comment, shout out the window at me etc. One time when I was walking home from school in a uniform! A group of men shouted ' you don't get many of them to the pound love' in front of my peers and I was teased for years. I told my mum who said that when I get older I'll be sad when men don't do that any more. Even at the time I remember thinking 'no i wont'. And I don't. I never for one second have missed groups of men leering at me. What you experiemced was not OK and not that long ago. The good news is your employer now would HAVE to take it seriously. In any case, I would write to the hotel and leave a detailed review where you can. Also you may want to think about counselling to come to terms with it.

I don’t think you overreacted then, but I think to complain 6 years on would be an overreaction.

This! You’ve more cause of complaint against your workplace but really I think the boat has sailed 6 years on

You have not overreacted! That’s fucking disgusting and dehumanising behaviour. Just because some people laughed and found it funny and are trying to excuse this as “a laugh” it’s not. It’s gross, inappropriate and disgusting behaviour. I’m so sorry you were exposed to that. Things like this make you feel so horrible inside, like rationally you know you’ve done nothing wrong, but there’s such embarrassment and shame and feeling foolish almost that gets wrapped up with it in my opinion, and it’s a truly horrible feeling.

I don’t know if reporting it would do anything. But I would probably still do it. Things like this make us feel small, silenced, powerless. And fuck that man and all those fuckers who aligned with him! You’re not any of those things and if it feels better to speak up now, do it. It may not lead anywhere, but you can do it for you.

I don’t know if it helps at all, and this will sound left field, but I’ve found Nicole Sachs’ Journalspeak practice really helpful in helping me to process my emotions around things like this. Her podcast is mostly focused on this as a technique for helping with chronic pain and conditions (it’s called the cure for chronic pain) but honestly, the journaling technique and the self compassion that comes with it, is honestly something I think everyone could benefit from. Just mentioning incase you feel like this is something you want to explore and dig down into the emotions of, as it’s obviously still something that (understandable) still plays on your mind a lot

If he’s still there at the hotel write him a letter about that night and how awful he was, you can choose whether to write anonymously or not, send a copy to the hotel manager too,
Hopefully that will help you put it behind you and if he’s not changed his act then give him food for thought

I am not excusing it, but having been to hundreds of stand up shows, it is often par for the course. Especially small venues. It’s what happens. That night was your night OP. Once I was sat right in front of the mic with my DH, and he was the butt of the jokes for every comedian that night. Literally every single one. From his sexuality to the size of his penis to his bald patch. It felt endless. I think a lot of people posting on here haven’t had much experience of stand up.
Leave a really obnoxious review online about his dated and puerile humour (hello Roy Chubby Brown!) and that will in the end affect him. In fact do it multiple times over with different user names!

You don't have to report it, but you CAN talk about it. You're on an anonymous forum here. You can name the man, and if he has done similar or worse things to other women, others might well come forward. Then if enough women do that, that's when people can collectively decide if they want to take things further.

Men that do stuff like that and keep getting away with it unchallenged, tend to escalate to behaviour that is subject to prosecution.

So start talking about him and use his name. Things spread like wildfire on the internet.

I would agree that it’s difficult to report him.
But you can and certainly should complain about him. What he did was abhorrent and totally humiliating for you, verbally and publicly abusive. It is totally unacceptable.

I think you should write a detailed account of what happened six years ago, as you have done here, and how it made you feel, including having to leave your job from the spin off reaction from colleagues. Also note why you felt unable to complain at the time, fear of not being believed, just wanting to get away from the humiliation etc.

Send your written account directly to him and also to the hotel management.
Expect a sincere apology from both with assurances this sort of vile ‘comedy’ no longer happens.
If the apologies aren’t forthcoming, copy and paste your account onto a hotel review.

Well done for walking out at the time
And well done also for feeling strong enough to address this horrible man. You would be doing all women a favour. It matters not one jot if it happened six years ago, -six years worth of stress adds to your case in my view.

What a cunt...I'm sorry you had to go through this. As a fellow big busted woman I feel your pain

Really surprised by these comments (admittedly only read first twenty ish), I'd absolutely write to the hotel. It might force a discussion with this man to prevent such a nasty occurrence again. You're not trying to have him arrested for it, you don't need proof!

We need to stand up and say this is wrong and not acceptable.

I'm really sorry this happened to you OP.

I absolutely 100% completely disagree with the people saying 'get over it' or 'there's no proof'. It doesnt sound like you've overreacted at all to me.

Absolutely speak up, it sounds like it still bothers you that you didn't so go for it!

You can word it any way you like - that you know there's nothing they can do but there's an incident that happened at their hotel that is still impacting you 6 years later and you felt like you wanted to message them about it.

He was a crude comedian who made you feel uncomfortable /degraded but didn't technically break the law.

The stuff coming out about men in the public eye is rape/assault /inappropriate behaviour in the workplace. Although it was a work event it was in a social setting and the comedian wasn't a colleague.

If your colleague had done this you would report to hr and you could have possibly reported the people who mocked you after the event.

I'm not sure there's much you could do now, it's highly unlikely the comedian behaves that way on stage now as he wouldn't get away with it.

But that's not to take away it was a horrible experience that left you feeling violated.