Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To report what a comedian said to me 6 years ago

388 replies

Redspottyfrog · 14/02/2025 04:40

Was at a works do at a hotel in a certain north west town, very famous for entertainment and shows and such, and they had a guy on telling jokes and introducing various forms of entertainment.
He was not funny at all and was being very crude (I am not a prude but that way he was doing it was just yuck)

anyway he catches sight of me and yells “omg look at the size of those knockers, they are huge” everyone laughs while I die a little inside.
he then proceeds to get 3 blokes up on stage to “check me out”. These blokes are looking me up and down like I am a piece of meat.

The guy then asked me to stand up and jump up and down so they bounce so the men can have a really good luck. At this stage I get up and walk out and the guy is shouting what a prude I am and for goodness sake love it was only a laugh.

I am in tears at this stage and go back to my room in the hotel. I phone my husband who insists on coming to get me even though it was a two hour drive. None of my colleagues came to check on me. When husband gets there I am waiting for him and he tries to insist he goes into the hotel and demands to speak to someone but I get in that much of a state he just gives me a hug and takes me home.

the worst thing is I did not do anything, I did not complain I just wanted to put it behind me. Also my colleagues really took the piss and I ended up leaving (luckily it was a job I was only doing a few hours at to make some extra money)

the reason it is playing on my mind is all these allegations coming out about certain male celebs. I am awake now thinking about it. I know this guy is not a celeb but he actually still works at this hotel and does the Christmas cabaret shows so he has no doubt done this to other women. I have always been angry at myself for not doing anything and a still have the odd nightmare about it. Do I make a complaint now or just accept it’s too late and in the past

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
GoingOffScript · 14/02/2025 08:14

Name him. On here.

You’ll get nowhere with the authorities.

Boonymoom · 14/02/2025 08:15

Should *not be

Justanotherperson2025 · 14/02/2025 08:20

CinnamonJellyBeans · 14/02/2025 07:59

This type of behaviour has never been acceptable. It has been tolerated, but no, it has never been acceptable. Women have always been exposed to this kind of behaviour and maybe 40 years ago we'd be expected to endure it, or even treat it as flattery, but FFS, six years ago, we were well into the "me too" movement. I'm so shocked at female posters minimising the actual experience and the corporate aftermath.. Six years ago your colleagues would have been sacked for taking the matter into work after the event, if the correct channels had been pursued.

You need therapy or some self-examination to process the main reason you are still feeling bad: the pig who verbally abused you, the colleagues who allowed this to pass, the company who did not monitor and sanction their subsequent behaviour, maybe even your husband if he also tried to minimise this, or perhaps yourself for not feeling empowered and calling out the comedian. You've probably gone through a dozen alternative scenarios in your head about what could have been done differently. You need to either resolve these behaviours or accept the bits you cannot change.

I am unsure whether six years is too long ago from a legal perspective, but I think I would ask a solicitor to look into sexual harassment/hate crime/verbal abuse. Send the hotel/the comedian's agent a summary of the behaviour that night, what it lead to and the legal consequences if he repeats this behaviour. As PP have suggested, you might not even send the letter, but you may feel better knowing that it's there.

The man is a pig. I will never forget listening to the radio to that asshole Chris Moyles, about 30 years ago, telling a female caller to make a pig noise and then saying "squeal like the pig you are". That moment of horror and powerlessness has stuck with me and I was just a listener.

I agree, it was absolutely never acceptable, the majority of women have always hated this sort of thing.

Agree therapy would help.

Disagree that she should do anything at all without first asking a lawyer if she could be sued for defamation or libel. The truth is an absolute defence, but if she cannot prove it and it affects his reputation or damages his ability to earn, he could sue for defamation and libel if he can prove the "serious harm" threshold.

"Under the Defamation Act 2013, a claimant must demonstrate that the published statement caused or is likely to cause serious harm to their reputation to bring a libel claim." And while audience size matters, if the audience is small but the damage is significant - eg his bosses sack him or otherwise infringe on his ability to earn money, that is enough to sue under defamation.

Roseshavethorns · 14/02/2025 08:20

What happened was horrific but I think it's too late to complain.
What I would do is leave factual reviews everywhere you see the comedian and the hotel advertised.
You might save someone else from a horrible experience.
I think I would be more upset at my colleagues to be honest (I know you left the job) and I think I would leave a review on glassdoor so it's there as a record of how they are to work for and how you were treated.
It's not much but at least you will have a chance to tell your story.

LuluBlakey1 · 14/02/2025 08:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Justanotherperson2025 · 14/02/2025 08:21

GoingOffScript · 14/02/2025 08:14

Name him. On here.

You’ll get nowhere with the authorities.

Naming him on here might result in her being sued for defamation and libel, unless she has proof.

LurcherMumma · 14/02/2025 08:21

That sounds awful and I don't think you overreacted at all. I am stunned no one else reacted tbh.
I fear you may have missed the boat for complaining to the hotel. I think it's unlikely they would act on something that happened that long ago, or, if he's continued to do the same routine, chances are they know about this behaviour and won't do anything.
I agree with PP about writing a review though. Comment as many places as you can think of. You should be able to share publicly how he made you feel and I bet a lot of people would choose not to go see him.

Justanotherperson2025 · 14/02/2025 08:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Are you saying the thread is a troll post? Haven't seen any troll replies on the thread.

Hedgerow2 · 14/02/2025 08:21

NetZeroZealot · 14/02/2025 07:54

Have you seen the crude stuff Jimmy Carr says about women?
I’m afraid it’s considered acceptable in comedy.
It shouldn’t be but it is.
I boycotted a works event where he was booked as host.
Not that it made any difference to anyone.

But does he say crude stuff about women generally or target individual women in the audience to humiliate - as with op?

FOJN · 14/02/2025 08:23

Justanotherperson2025 · 14/02/2025 07:35

No. She asked if it was too late to do anything. It is. That's what "being unreasonable" means in this context. No sigh required.

And again, if she does this she can be sued for defamation and libel. Unless she has proof.

That's just a fact and this is dangerous advice.

Show quote history

Please do some research before you label advice dangerous.

www.acas.org.uk/sexual-harassment

MyDeftDuck · 14/02/2025 08:25

Getting laughs at someone else's expenses is NOT funny and it certainly doesn't make him a good comedian. You won't have been the only person who he has upset by his comments and unless this is brought to light you will not be the last!

Shame on those men who joined him on stage to 'assess' your body - disgusting behaviour and I am sure they wouldn't have wanted their own partners subjected to it. In fact, shame on anyone who remained in that audience that night!

You were right to walk out and had I been there I would have followed you.

In your situation I would be writing to the hotel owner/manager and telling them what happened - if it is a big chain of hotels then take this as high as you possibly can.

His behaviour contravenes everything that Equality, Diversity and Inclusion stands for.

'Shout' as loud as you can and keeping on shouting until someone listens to you. You might also consider ensuring that your employers no longer hire that hotel for any events in the future - continuing to do so makes them complicit in my view.

I am by no means a prude but people deserve better than to be the subject of crude, vile humour for reasons of entertainment.

WomanFromTheNorth · 14/02/2025 08:26

Do the online review - say he's shit and not funny at all. Write to the manager of the hotel and to him and explain the impact his misogynistic bullying has had on you.

Viviennemary · 14/02/2025 08:26

DistanceCall · 14/02/2025 05:00

Report what? That he was rude and crude? That's not sexual assault. It's not a crime.

You should have complained at the time. You coukd put it on their trip advisor feedback now. No need to give details. Say offensive and sexist or something similar.

Flozle · 14/02/2025 08:30

Redspottyfrog · 14/02/2025 05:20

I would not contact the police it would be the hotel. It’s ok I won’t bother I obviously overreacted. Maybe I should have even been flattered.

You didn't over react and you definitely shouldn't have been flattered. He was vile, he did treat you like a piece of meat, and he suggested that it was a flaw in your character that you didn't find it funny.

Not sure you have any recourse now, but your feelings are entirely valid. Maybe email the hotel and give them a candid review of his show, which will maybe allow you some closure?

Your colleagues sound awful. I hope you're not still working with them.

CautiousLurker01 · 14/02/2025 08:30

Redspottyfrog · 14/02/2025 04:53

No proof. It’s not worth it is it. Just looked at the reviews of the hotel and it seems most people find this guy hilarious so would not get anywhere.

No, there’s nothing you can do now. But as a society we need to empower women to be able to speak out at the time and stop enabling it by making it socially unacceptable to make jokes like this and bully staff/audience members. This isn’t PK, is it? He seems to be being exposed as a rather toxic individual atm. But then, a lot of comedians are quite nasty beyond their on stage personas.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 14/02/2025 08:40

What have you got to lose? You might get no response or a 'I'm sorry you feel like that' non apology, but as long as you're prepared for that then go for it.

Agree with a pp though who said that you should complain to your old workplace (worth doing if its corporate but maybe not if its a small family business etc). They have a duty of care towards your mental wellbeing even on a night out and the facts that they

  • took you there
  • you were verbally abused in a sexual manner publicly
  • they didn't check you were OK
  • they continued the abuse after the event
  • you had to leave because of it

Means they completely failed in their duty of care. Because it was related to being female they have probably also breached some rules on sex based discrimination. You might have a case for constructive dismissal if you wanted to pursue it, it might be worth talking to an employment lawyer (or a no win no fee lawyer if you want to claim for stress under their Employers Liability insurance which I think would also be possible - you would need evidence of nightmares etc

DoYouReally · 14/02/2025 08:41

Fair play to you for walking out.

I would absolutely have felt as embarrassed and uncomfortable as you.

I suspect if newspapers pick up on this thread, they'll contact you.

Personally, I would post on twitter but I understand you may also not want to being it into a public arena.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 14/02/2025 08:42

Actually just realised it was years ago so sadly statute of limitations (on EL anyway) means a claim would be unlikely to be successful

EdithBond · 14/02/2025 08:44

@Redspottyfrog I’m so sorry you were subjected to such overt and public sexual harassment and none of your work colleagues supported you. Disgraceful. It’s no wonder it still affects you.

There absolutely is something you can do. You can complain to the venue, especially if the man in question still works there. I’d strongly advise you to check out your rights and how best to complain. If you were there as part of a work function, may also constitute sexual harassment at work.

I’ve only read your posts, but it seems some people are suggesting you should tolerate this. No, you shouldn’t. It’s unlawful and has been for many years. More to the point, women have fought for rights to be protected from harassment. And are still fighting.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/law-and-courts/discrimination/taking-action-about-discrimination/taking-action-about-harassment/

Check what you can do about harassment

Check if the harassment is discrimination under the Equality Act 2010, and if you can take legal action about it.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/law-and-courts/discrimination/taking-action-about-discrimination/taking-action-about-harassment

Hairyesterdaygonetoday · 14/02/2025 08:47

Well done for walking out, OP. A lot of people would have been paralysed by embarrassment. Your spineless (thankfully ex) colleagues should at least have sympathised with you afterwards, even if they didn’t have the guts to defend you at the time.

Your silent protest may have made your point to many of the audience.

And well done your DH too. He’s a good one!

Mirabai · 14/02/2025 08:48

Straight up sexual harassment. I cannot believe the % of sheep who think this is acceptable.

If he is still working there of course you should review him and also complain to the hotel. It’s too late really for them to do anything about it, although they might have a word with him, but if other women complain it will all add up eventually.

Gumbo · 14/02/2025 08:48

RabbitsRock · 14/02/2025 07:06

Gumbo if it’s not too outing, was it Sarah Millican?

No, it was Jenny Eclair. She was absolutely vile.

Oldglasses · 14/02/2025 08:48

Yes, do a a bad review! I had a rather humilating experience via a so-called entertainer a good few years ago. It was nowhere near as bad as yours but it was very cringe-inducing and I absolutely hate being 'singled out' anyway. I've been to events since where he's appeared and he waves at me (I used him in the past before the humiliating experience so we 'know' each other) and I just politely wave back and don't engage further. He has also been 'in trouble' before by being inappropriate at events which demanded a slightly higher level of decorum let's say!

Grannyinnwaiting · 14/02/2025 08:53

Awful - you did the right thing to walk out and very upsetting. But now time to move on- it he has a website post about his behaviour / otherwise move on

deydododatdodontdeydo · 14/02/2025 08:56

BeardofHagrid · 14/02/2025 07:37

I would email the hotel and tell them what you told us. There’s every chance they will take it seriously. I think what he did was absolutely disgusting.

There is every chance they will not take it seriously too.
Like the pub with the gollywog displays that just doubled down on their opinions.
They're probably fully aware of what he's like and have 10s if 1000s of happy customers.
Not saying it's right, but that's probably how it is.