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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please reassure me I did the right thing here

270 replies

pleasehelpsostressed · 13/02/2025 23:20

Just had a really distressing call from DSD (15), called her dad (my DH) to say her stepfather was being verbally abusive towards her (vile things like calling her a "whore" amongst other things). She was beside herself sobbing, we couldn't properly make out what she was saying. Husband said he'd go straight over to collect her and she could stay with us. He heads over there and meanwhile an argument ensues between DSD's mother and stepdad in which DSD heard him say (about my partner) "if he steps foot in the house I'll kill him" (she's also recorded this on her phone as evidence). He has also apparently ripped a door off its hinges in the house. Husband got there and DSD managed to get out so he didn't have to go in the house. I called the police and they've gone straight over but my partner had left by the time they arrived. We are all really shaken up by it. DSD is now upset that her mum will be annoyed with her for the police being involved but I couldn't not call them, could I?

Just feeling really stressed right now and seeking some reassurance that I did the right thing here.

OP posts:
healthybychristmas · 13/02/2025 23:23

I feel really worried about the Mum's safety.

Largestlegocollectionever · 13/02/2025 23:23

Yes you did the right thing, also get a statement off her as no one should behave like that and leave her so scared.

DSD might take it out on you, that’s just because you’ll be a safe space, don’t take it personally. She’s probably just terrified on what next x

Onlyonekenobe · 13/02/2025 23:23

The only person who did anything wrong is the stepfather. You did nothing wrong and exactly what I would have done. If stepfather doesn't like the consequences, he shouldn't have behaved the way he did. Period.

MakeItRain · 13/02/2025 23:25

Yes you did the right thing. Your dsd's mum was potentially in danger if he's ripped a door off its hinges. You shouldn't
really ignore that, so well done for getting help. Can your dsd stay with you indefinitely?

Pancakeflipper · 13/02/2025 23:25

I think you did the right thing. That must have been totally petrifying for DSD and should not be minimised.

AcquadiP · 13/02/2025 23:25

You had no choice but to call the police. The stepfather is behaving like a maniac.

Headpainempathy · 13/02/2025 23:26

You were protecting your family/extended family. Yes you did the right thing and most people would probably have done the same in the circumstances. Hope you're all OK.

AttentionDeficitAndSquirrel · 13/02/2025 23:26

Maybe you sending the police over there has saved her mum's life!!

loropianalover · 13/02/2025 23:28

Yes you did the right thing.

Your DH needs to speak to police again tomorrow and start looking for full custody. A stepfather calling a teen stepdaughter a whore does not sit right at all. I’d get her out of that house.

Original poster
pleasehelpsostressed · 13/02/2025 23:29

healthybychristmas · 13/02/2025 23:23

I feel really worried about the Mum's safety.

Yes, same. I did tell the police that there's a woman in the house with him still, they were apparently sending officers over immediately. It's just such a mess.

OP posts:
Original poster
pleasehelpsostressed · 13/02/2025 23:32

Husband is back with DSD, she's beside herself bless her. Police are talking to my husband now on the phone.

OP posts:
Notgivenuphope · 13/02/2025 23:32

You have done the right thing by getting a vulnerable child out of harm's way. The mother should have followed her. If she has chosen to stay, that's on her. But I do hope the police get this man well away.

Original poster
pleasehelpsostressed · 13/02/2025 23:32

MakeItRain · 13/02/2025 23:25

Yes you did the right thing. Your dsd's mum was potentially in danger if he's ripped a door off its hinges. You shouldn't
really ignore that, so well done for getting help. Can your dsd stay with you indefinitely?

Yes she can stay with us as long as she needs to.

OP posts:
Amybelle88 · 13/02/2025 23:33

You one million percent made the right call. Well done. I'm sorry you're all going through this - your DSD may lash out at you but she's young and doesn't see things with as much clarity as you do. You will be her safe space. Hopefully mum is ok.

Sunshineandoranges · 13/02/2025 23:37

You did the right thing.

Original poster
pleasehelpsostressed · 13/02/2025 23:38

I've just heard the recording on DSD's phone of the argument and him ranting like a madman about killing my partner if he steps in the house, it's actually chilling.

OP posts:
MoonWoman69 · 13/02/2025 23:44

You've absolutely done the right thing. I think she needs to get in touch with Women's Aid and get away from him. He sounds unhinged and very violent. Your DSD is safe with you now. All you can do is comfort and reassure her. Hope everything works out well all round 🌹

Cryingatthegym · 13/02/2025 23:53

You did the right thing.

I don't always get along with my daughter's dad, but I'll always be grateful to him for stepping in and getting her out of the house when she made a similar call to him because my exh was scaring her with his verbal abuse towards me. That was the wake up call I needed to finally leave him.

You may have helped in more ways than you realise.

healthybychristmas · 14/02/2025 00:02

Have the police heard that?

Ponoka7 · 14/02/2025 00:11

What do you mean by "stay with you"? Your DH needs to take residency of her. I wouldn't be letting her return until you are sure that the relationship is over. If there's anything further from the Stepdad, you inform the police. This won't be a one off, it's likely that your stepdaughter has been living with abuse. It's important to label it as such and make no attempt to excuse or minimise it.

Original poster
pleasehelpsostressed · 14/02/2025 00:12

healthybychristmas · 14/02/2025 00:02

Have the police heard that?

Yes and they've just said the threshold for an offence hasn't been met ???? wtf

OP posts:
Original poster
pleasehelpsostressed · 14/02/2025 00:13

@Ponoka7
I'm not minimising anything ffs?! What are you on about, can you not please. I'm highly stressed and doing my best in a really awful situation for us all

OP posts:
Original poster
pleasehelpsostressed · 14/02/2025 00:16

What do you mean by "stay with you"?

What do you mean, what do I mean? I was asked "can your dsd stay with you indefinitely" - I answered the question using the same terminology. Ffs why will some people find anyway to discredit someone during a stressful event.

Thanks to the helpful posters, you've made me feel less alone with it all x

OP posts:
TheGirlattheBack · 14/02/2025 00:18

How horrendous. You will all be full of adrenaline tonight, you’ll all need some time to calm down and process what’s happened. If you can I’d suggest you keep your DSD off school tomorrow and let her have a duvet day.

Know that you did the right thing collecting your DSD and calling the police.

Endofyear · 14/02/2025 00:18

You did the right thing. Can you explain to DSD that your concern for her mum's safety was the motivation to call the police? And reassure her that she won't be in trouble or held responsible because it was completely your decision? Hope it all calms down for you all tonight and you're able to get some sleep. Tomorrow you can think about her future living arrangements. Tonight she just needs to feel safe.