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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please reassure me I did the right thing here

270 replies

pleasehelpsostressed · 13/02/2025 23:20

Just had a really distressing call from DSD (15), called her dad (my DH) to say her stepfather was being verbally abusive towards her (vile things like calling her a "whore" amongst other things). She was beside herself sobbing, we couldn't properly make out what she was saying. Husband said he'd go straight over to collect her and she could stay with us. He heads over there and meanwhile an argument ensues between DSD's mother and stepdad in which DSD heard him say (about my partner) "if he steps foot in the house I'll kill him" (she's also recorded this on her phone as evidence). He has also apparently ripped a door off its hinges in the house. Husband got there and DSD managed to get out so he didn't have to go in the house. I called the police and they've gone straight over but my partner had left by the time they arrived. We are all really shaken up by it. DSD is now upset that her mum will be annoyed with her for the police being involved but I couldn't not call them, could I?

Just feeling really stressed right now and seeking some reassurance that I did the right thing here.

OP posts:
Beebsta · 14/02/2025 18:47

You have absolutely done the right thing. Do everything in your & DH’s power to keep DSD safe and with you.

please make a copy of that recording so it can’t be erased from her phone. If she goes back there, I suspect the first thing the abuser will do is try to destroy the evidence. Email a copy to yourself and DH and make sure the police have a copy of it.

Zanatdy · 14/02/2025 18:50

The poor girl her own mother dismissing her feelings like that and clearly putting her partner over her own daughter. I’d tell her to stay put for now. I suspect she’s about to discover where her mother’s loyalties lie.

NiftyKoala · 14/02/2025 18:52

pleasehelpsostressed · 14/02/2025 09:18

Latest this morning, text from mum asking if she's ok followed by "I'm angry at her that the police are involved" 😡 wtf?! Put your child first fgs!! I cannot believe that response.

I will never understand how easy it is for mother's to pick am abusive man over their children. OP you did everything right. Your DSD is lucky to have you.

2025willbemytime · 14/02/2025 18:57

My mother's partner made a sexual offer to me. I told her. She picked him. I don't think it is relevant that I hadn't lived with her since I was 18 months old. I think it is relevant I've not spoken to her for decades and never will. She wanted me when I had kids, she wanted me when the partner died, but she never wanted me for me.

Is this woman doesn't choose her daughter now, she will lose her forever.

BaMamma · 14/02/2025 18:58

You did the right thing.

Endofyear · 14/02/2025 19:06

pleasehelpsostressed · 14/02/2025 16:26

Yes she will be staying with us for now, but longer term she wants to go home, she just doesn't want to have to live with that awful man anymore. If mum doesn't get rid of him, she will no doubt choose to stay with us more longer term.

My God, I'm horrified by your update 😩 I think if I were your husband I'd be taking the decision out of her hands and keeping her with you for good. No way would I allow her to go back to living with that man and a mother who doesn't protect her! He needs to go down the legal route if necessary. Your poor DD 😕

paulhollywoodshairgel · 14/02/2025 19:07

I think your dh needs to get some legal advice asap. Apply for residency. I've been in the same situation as your dsd. My mum chose her abusive husband over me. I had a brilliant dad luckily. She's really lucky she has you and her dad and sisters. You are doing the exact right thing. Support her and keep her talking. Good luck ❤️

Sportacus17 · 14/02/2025 19:13

As someone who was beaten up, abused and strangled by their step father and whose mother did FUCK ALL to intervene - yes you absolutely did the right thing. And thank you.

NewYou42 · 14/02/2025 19:14

pleasehelpsostressed · 14/02/2025 09:18

Latest this morning, text from mum asking if she's ok followed by "I'm angry at her that the police are involved" 😡 wtf?! Put your child first fgs!! I cannot believe that response.

Some women don't deserve kids. Those who put abusive men before their kids are just as bad. You did the right thing op

User860131 · 14/02/2025 19:14

Sorry that you're all going through this OP. Tbh I think you should be strongly resisting dsd going back to her mum until there is a guarantee that stepdad is no longer living there and ideally doesn't know where mum lives. I would hope that social workers take this decision out of everyone's hands by mandating this. I'd just concentrate on helping sd feel safe and loved and I'd get security cameras/ring doorbell if you don't already have this. You sound like a really lovely family unit and just what dsd needs right now. I'm sure you'll figure it all out xx

Aknifewith16blades · 14/02/2025 19:15

You did the right thing, and I'm so glad your DSD had a safe place to turn.

She can visit her DM outside the house.

I'd consider doing a Clare's Law and a Sarah's Law search so you know if he's done this before.

Fenellapitstop · 14/02/2025 19:20

A referral to children's services should have been done by the attending officers. If you've had no contact you could call them Monday for advice. You can request a Clare's and Sarah's law disclosure. The information will only be passed to her mum though

comedycentral · 14/02/2025 19:23

What a horrible situation, her Mum is essentially choosing him over her.

The police are absolutely unbelievable, does he have to physically hurt someone for it to be taken seriously?

I think it is important to talk to her school and social services about this.

I would keep her with you as long as you can, you should like a lovely family.

diddl · 14/02/2025 19:26

I hope she settles with you.

Must be heartbreaking for her that her mum doesn't believe her/doesn't care enough.

Sadly she's not the first & won't be the last not to be able to put her daughter first.

BunnyLake · 14/02/2025 19:26

Ponoka7 · 14/02/2025 00:11

What do you mean by "stay with you"? Your DH needs to take residency of her. I wouldn't be letting her return until you are sure that the relationship is over. If there's anything further from the Stepdad, you inform the police. This won't be a one off, it's likely that your stepdaughter has been living with abuse. It's important to label it as such and make no attempt to excuse or minimise it.

Why are you being like this? It’s obvious what the OP meant, she was answering a question. I took it to mean she can stay as long she wants! Stop nitpicking.

Fenellapitstop · 14/02/2025 19:30

It's a bit of a weird one in that if he pays the rent/owns the property, he can damage it to his hearts content. Threats to kill have to be imminent, so a conditional threat recorded by a third party would not be classed as a threat to kill. You could say it's a 'common assault' as the dd called to be taken away from the address but that would involve the dd providing a statement. With mum minimising, to this degree it makes it incredibly hard

Strictlymad · 14/02/2025 19:34

Poor girl, either the mum is also a victim and institutionalised by the abuse or she blinded by love for this beast. Either way dsd must not go back even if she begins to say she wants too, makes sure you keep her. And your daughter sounds Amazing

Aknifewith16blades · 14/02/2025 19:37

Fenellapitstop · 14/02/2025 19:20

A referral to children's services should have been done by the attending officers. If you've had no contact you could call them Monday for advice. You can request a Clare's and Sarah's law disclosure. The information will only be passed to her mum though

If there is any info that turns up on a Sarah's law disclosure, that will be passed to the OPs DH, as he is a parent requesting info about someone with contact with his child.

cgk · 14/02/2025 19:43

Dsd can’t go back at all until that relationship ends. I don’t know this for sure legally, but a divorced friend of mine was told that if she released her dd into a dangerous situation, she herself could be held responsible for any violence suffered by her dd (her ex was a habitual DV’er with many different women)

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 14/02/2025 20:13

Wow. I'd be locked up if any man called my daughter a whore let alone all the other shit going on.

Some people aren't fit to be parents. Thank goodness for you, her dad and her sister ❤️

YourEagerBiscuit · 14/02/2025 21:11

This all sounds really stressful. Your dd sounds like a champ! You and your dh definitely did the right thing. Regarding the mum, she's probably annoyed the police are involved as she can't deny and minimise his behaviour as easily. I've worked with people who have experienced abuse and been through it with family. While it's hard to have sympathy because she's putting her child in danger the denial is part of coping with abuse.

But that does mean her mum won't look out for dsd best interests so you're all going to have to. This feels close to home for me as my sister's stbx is abusive and I'm very aware of how that turns on children and has long term impacts. Even just constantly having a go like he is doing can lead to anxiety and low self esteem.

I do some work with young people and depending on the area there should be some support available like some one to talk to who specialises in this, often it's play therapy for younger children. Hopefully the school can help refer into this.

Also the police saying the threshold for a crime hasn't been met. Is wild. Ffs

TheRealTina · 14/02/2025 21:21

Very good. Keep reporting the evil bastards until all got criminal records.

JLou08 · 14/02/2025 21:45

You did the right thing. No doubt about it. The mum could be at risk of imminent harm. DSD has been verbally abused and it will have a huge impact on her emotionally, this could have been going on a while and could continue in the future. I wouldn't be letting DSD back there if I was her father.

JLou08 · 14/02/2025 21:48

Fenellapitstop · 14/02/2025 19:20

A referral to children's services should have been done by the attending officers. If you've had no contact you could call them Monday for advice. You can request a Clare's and Sarah's law disclosure. The information will only be passed to her mum though

I'd think Dad would get the Sarah's law disclosure to as he has a responsibility to safeguard his child so will need to know of the risks.

ZebedeeDougalFlorence · 14/02/2025 21:49

Your post really triggered me. I was right back in the emotions of having a partner like SD screaming at me and tearing the house apart. It is terrifying. Your daughter will have been traumatised by him ripping the door off like that and is probably still suffering with shock.

You absolutely did the right thing no matter what anybody else says or thinks. You, your DD's, DH and DSD all sound amazing.