Please reassure me I did the right thing here

[pleasehelpsostressed]

Just had a really distressing call from DSD (15), called her dad (my DH) to say her stepfather was being verbally abusive towards her (vile things like calling her a "whore" amongst other things). She was beside herself sobbing, we couldn't properly make out what she was saying. Husband said he'd go straight over to collect her and she could stay with us. He heads over there and meanwhile an argument ensues between DSD's mother and stepdad in which DSD heard him say (about my partner) "if he steps foot in the house I'll kill him" (she's also recorded this on her phone as evidence). He has also apparently ripped a door off its hinges in the house. Husband got there and DSD managed to get out so he didn't have to go in the house. I called the police and they've gone straight over but my partner had left by the time they arrived. We are all really shaken up by it. DSD is now upset that her mum will be annoyed with her for the police being involved but I couldn't not call them, could I?

Just feeling really stressed right now and seeking some reassurance that I did the right thing here.

Your dh will get nowhere with the mother.
She is protecting her relationship over her daughter and that will not change.

Keep dsd with you and get her to speak to someone neutral like a counsellor over next weeks so she understands she is not to blame and she is not responsible for her mother s choices .
Dsd can stay with her dad and should . She is old enough to make that choice

Is one of the reasons her mum is minimising all this because of money?

Does your DH pay CM? And obviously she gets CB. She'll not want her to move out will she?
(Sorry if that's overly cynical)

@Nanny0gg
Yes he pays CM, so that could be a part of it I imagine.

I know DSD wants to "go home" but actually I think your DH should take the decision out of her hands - for now at least. She may feel guilty for not going home to mum, but if she can "blame" dad that may help.
I really don't think she should go home until mum shows she can put her daughter ahead of an abusive man.

Me too.

Op, you did absolutely right. That man sounds dangerous.

Another one saying take the decision about going home out of her hands, keep her with you.

I know you'll talk to her school but a call to Chrildren's Services should be made. The police will have put a report in anyway as she was a child in the house when there was violence.

agree with @SofaSpuds - take the decision to go home out of DSDs hands for now. She doesn't need guilt/emotional blackmail to contend with as well.

Stepdad sounds like an abusive bully and ex wife sounds like a sadly typically fearful/in denial/broken women who is terrified of speaking the truth out loud. Right now, priority is quite rightly DSD safety and wellbeing so well done for keeping her with you, and then it's up to her Mum to find the strength to admit what needs to happen next.

Does your DH have contact with any of his ex-wife's close friends or relatives? Is it worth a call to a sister/friend/ex MIL to try and gently persuade her of what is happening and the need to get her and her DD out of this abusive relationship?

Bless you. You 100% did the right thing and thank God your DSD got this evidence!!!! Hope you are all OK and that psycho gets arrested and removed x

But will they have, if they say no offence has been committed?? I really think it’s worth going back to the police and reporting it as emotional abuse of a child. Take the list of things she has reported. You could call NSPCC for advice and they can also make a referral to children’s services.

I would say that given what DSD has disclosed about her Stepdads behaviour she could be at some risk from him. Both due to his anger and due to his sexualised comments - paints a concerning picture.
I think your DH should tell his daughter she needs to stay with you both as she isn't safe with Stepdad.
Mum is minimising - this is how children get hurt or worse.
Are there other children in the house at risk from the DV?

Must be awful for DSD to know her mum hadn’t got her back at all and she’s prioritising vile man. Poor girl 💔

I’d also complain higher up that the video evidence hasn’t been taken seriously when he threatened to kill someone and ripped a door off its hinges?! I can imagine the mum may have smoothed it over when they arrived and blamed the girl - poor thing with her mum not supporting her :(

They really should. Being called to a loud verbal argument where a child is present can trigger one but I agree, checking with the police that this has been submitted is a good idea. Talk to Social Services yourselves too, though.

ETA the NSPCC pass anything that is child protection related straight to Social Services. They don't have the powers to investigate or intervene.

You’ve absolutely done the right this.

I was DSD in a not dissimilar situation and wished someone had helped me in this way.

She will want to be with her Mum, but if Mum doesn’t get rid of the man then that’s the end of it (and should be).

Things aren’t going to improve if he’s calling her a whore, no matter how much of an annoying teenager exploring boundaries she is. In fact she is at real risk of hostility going back.

My stepdad once told me all I would end up as would be a prostitute. It’s never left me. Xx

Think you've hit the nail on the head. I can't believe the Mum's behaviour in all of this.
I've only got boys so unlikely anyone will ever call them a "whore" (misogynistic world we live in!) But if anyone ever spoke to or about my boys in that manner they would never see me or them again!!!
My sympathy with women who are victims of DV only goes so far when there innocent children to protect. At that point you do what it takes to protect your child.

Yes you definitely did the right thing calling the police. Hopefully this will be a trigger for the mum to end this relationship. How scary for her and your SD.

Your DH needs to put his foot down and say that his daughter is forbidden from being in the presence of this abusive pig.

You did the right thing. I grew up like this and neither my dad or my mum prioritised me (or my siblings) over their relationships. It’s had a profound effect on my life and relationship with both my parents. Knowing a parent has your back is just what she needs, she needs a voice in all of this, to be believed and supported. Alongside knowing this isn’t healthy or normal behaviour. You all sound like a great support for her.

Agree with everyone else, DSD will be relieved to have the decision made for her by an adult, deep down I am sure. If she insists on going home or she goes for any reason, SS have to be informed of the situation. The fact police aren't taking it further doesn't mean they won't take it seriously.

Just read your whole thread @pleasehelpsostressed - what an awful experience - really feel for your DSD and you and her father. You certainly did right thing by calling the police. Your DSD called you for help, you had to do something.
Your DD sounds so lovely and wonderful and a great role model too.
Hopefully your DSD will stay for a bit and feel relaxed and happy in your environment and keep wanting to stay for longer … I expect she is worried about her mum tho, and that might be what is pulling her back. It’s sad her mum is minimising her daughter’s feelings - she should be proud she called the police to protect her and recorded evidence. I would worry also about the step dad calling your DSD a whore - I think bringing sexualised language into insults is really not a good sign.
sending hugs xx

Really worried from reading this that your DSD is at serious risk from this man. She really can't go home. As for the mum minimising the abuse - well she won't be the first or last woman to prioritise her current shag above her child. It's sad but it happens, and it happens a lot. It doesn't sound like she's got any intention of breaking up with her disgusting partner, so I guess you'll be keeping DSD for the time being, OP. It's a relief reading this to hear how much you and your partner/ DSD's dad have her back. Best of luck with it all.

Poor girl. Imagine your Mum choosing a prick like that over her own child.

100% you did the right thing, keep DSD with you and safe! Keep lines of communication open with mum and have at the front of your mind she is very likely in a coercive control/abusive relationship so she "has" to minimise his behaviour otherwise it's too much for her to face up to. You must have seen the multiple of threads on here from women in her position, I was one of them and it really isn't that easy to just leave when you are in the thick of it. You normalise their behaviour because it's so insidious that it creeps up slowly and does become your normal. Keep talking to her and calmly qnd kindly refuse to allow her to minimise the behaviour, she will see the truth when she's ready, hopefully soon for her DD sake.
From the outside it's so so easy to want to give her mum a shake but if it is that it's a controlling/abusive relationship and not that mum is just a deadbeat who shouldn't be allowed kids then breathe deeply and be kind and firm with your DSDs boundaries and she does NOT go home until those boundaries are in place and the stepdad is gone.
Hugs to you all including your DD for being so kind to her stepsister

Stupid cow.

I can't believe her mum is trying to minimise his behaviour - he sounds dangerous. Not a lot to add just wishing you all the best going forward and absolutely you did the right thing - I'm just wondering how long this has been going on