Please reassure me I did the right thing here

[pleasehelpsostressed]

Just had a really distressing call from DSD (15), called her dad (my DH) to say her stepfather was being verbally abusive towards her (vile things like calling her a "whore" amongst other things). She was beside herself sobbing, we couldn't properly make out what she was saying. Husband said he'd go straight over to collect her and she could stay with us. He heads over there and meanwhile an argument ensues between DSD's mother and stepdad in which DSD heard him say (about my partner) "if he steps foot in the house I'll kill him" (she's also recorded this on her phone as evidence). He has also apparently ripped a door off its hinges in the house. Husband got there and DSD managed to get out so he didn't have to go in the house. I called the police and they've gone straight over but my partner had left by the time they arrived. We are all really shaken up by it. DSD is now upset that her mum will be annoyed with her for the police being involved but I couldn't not call them, could I?

Just feeling really stressed right now and seeking some reassurance that I did the right thing here.

Yes I am incredibly proud of my DD, she spent has hours sitting talking to her and I heard some laughter too which was heartwarming. I thanked DD before when she left for college and she just said "you don't need to thank me, she's family, I'll help however I can". My heart did burst a bit.

And yes I do think DSD will probably appreciate someone closer to her age group to connect with, as much as me and her dad are there to talk to we are obviously "old" in our 40s 😂

DH is talking to DSD's mum as we speak, so see how that goes, I'm awaiting an update. Tried to make DSD breakfast a few times but she can't eat anything poor girl. Will keep offering.

Thanks all, just having somewhere to offload is so helpful.

Sadly, if the mother sees it as just a row, it might not go well. Hope your DH can talk some sense into her

You did the right thing
Get dsd belongings and she stays with you
What her mum does is sadly up to her mum

And just step back... suggest to your husband he steps back too. Just repeat that Dsd is staying with you for next month at least.

Your dh cannot persuade his ex. And everything is heated.

Just repeat, dsd is staying here the next month.
Talk after a month .

Dsd can meet her mum in public space like cafe in meantime. Dsd needs space away and time.

And counselling is there support at school she can talk through with someone neutral? It takes time to process weeks months or years of abuse.

Come on then, explain how this girls dad “takes residency”?

do you think there’s some sort of Facebook status to announce where a child is living that formalises it? The kid is living with them for as long as she cares to. She’s 15 so is able to choose where she lives, there’s no need for court orders like she is 5.

o/p unfortunately the bar to prosecution is very high these days. It won’t even be the police’s decision, it will be whether the CPS will take it on. Keep diaries, get your dd to record everything, buy her a notebook or journal. The more information you have the more power the police and social services have to act.

I think you are all dealing with this incredibly well - you, your DH, your daughter - to support the poor girl. Good luck to your DH with her mother, I hope he gets through to her

Well done to op and partner (and daughter) for dealing with this exactly right. Your step daughter is lucky to have you as family.

"you don't need to thank me, she's family, I'll help however I can"

Oh, that's so lovely, what a credit to you

No wonder DV is such a problem if they police don't regard this as above their threshold for investigation.

It’s not the police so much as the cps. The police put the case together, if the CPS won’t take it nothing they can do.

courts and the legal system are suffering as much as other gov entities. So unless they have a pretty much 100% chance of conviction cps won’t take it forward.

@MamaBinturong
Yes, I'm feeling very proud of my girl for stepping up like that. I mean she's a lovely girl generally but seeing her step up and act like a such a compassionate mature young woman when it really matters has honestly warmed my heart so much.

DH and I also have a younger DD (4) who adores her big sisters, so it's nice for her that she will have both of them around a bit more often now. ☺️

You have absolutely done the right thing and the mum is minimising because she is scared.

I really hope it can work out for the mum too.

Your DSD is lucky to have you and your older DD. Thank you for being so great

I hope your husband can get through to his ex and make her see that she has a choice between supporting her daughter and standing by her abusive partner. This will irrevocably damage her relationship with her daughter if she doesn't step up 🙁 thank God your DD has a lovely family with you who are able to look after her!

@pleasehelpsostressed I just wanted to say you absolutely did the right thing and your DSD will always remember you protecting her in this way. I had a very similar situation with my mother and step father and I wish I'd had a step mother and father like you and your husband. Mine left me to fend for myself and refused to let me live with them so I had to live alone from 16 onwards.

Imagine how much worse you'd feel, if something awful happened to your DSD, and you'd done nothing, for fear of rocking the boat.

Her mother should be protecting her from this. Clearly she isn't willing / able to, so great she has you and your DH looking out for her!

Can she live with you full time? Sounds like that's what she needs to have happen.

You absolutely did the right thing.

I dread to think what normal life in that house must be like for your DSD's mother to not think it was anything particularly out of the way and be annoyed the police were called.

Your DD sounds great.

You did what a sane rational adult would do so don’t apologise or feel any way about it. The rationale of a traumatised scared child or the feckless defensive ex is not even relevant at this point. You sound like a lovely family and I hope it all gets resolved.

It sounds like your DSD's Mum will minimise the situation. My SF was abusive and it sounds like the many fights they had. I had a horrific childhood because of them. Your DSD is lucky she has you all. Good Luck

Hope your DH got some answers today. Your DSD must be really worried about her mum. That sounds like a very, very dark household she was living in.
Thank goodness there is love and light in yours.

The chat has left us all more concerned to be honest. DH said there was a lot of her minimising and excusing step dad's behaviour and making victim blaming comments such as her daughter not helping matters with the way she chooses to dress and do her make up, etc. Lots of "he was just angry, he didn't mean it" with regard to the threats to kill my DH. Lots of blaming everyone else, so it's DH's fault for not being present enough as a father, it's my fault for not being involved enough in days out, it was even my eldest daughter's fault at one point as apparently she's trying to mimic the way she dresses (my daughter doesn't dress any differently to any other 18 year old girl her age!). Just lots of deflection and avoiding of responsibility, and victim blaming. She also said she leaves the discipline to stepdad as she doesn't know how to deal with a teenage girl, and my DH pointed out that she needed to be parenting her herself rather than leaving it to him (my DH has certainly never overstepped that boundary with my eldest DD). She also implied that DSD is "manipulative" and "is playing us off against each other". She was shown the list of reasons my DSD is fearful and doesn't want to go home (all of which relate to stepdad's behaviour), and her response was "she's not scared, she's being manipulative". There was also reference in there to sexualised comments that are made by stepdad towards DSD - her response was "she can leave the room if that makes her uncomfortable".

I mean, lots of really concerning stuff. Hard to know where to start. My head is just fried at this point!

Oh wow,that's a lot in an update. I'm guessing from what you have said, your Dsd will be staying with you as none of the concerns she has have been actually addressed by her mother?
She's basically absolving the stepdad of any wrong doing and saying it's everyone else fault.
Can you look at bringing this to family court?

Yes she will be staying with us for now, but longer term she wants to go home, she just doesn't want to have to live with that awful man anymore. If mum doesn't get rid of him, she will no doubt choose to stay with us more longer term.

Bless her and you all, what a scary and upsetting situation for you all . I hope the mother will realise what she needs to do before she ruins her relationship with her daughter. How is she so blind to the situation?

@pleasehelpsostressed please take the decision out of DSD hands. I know that is so very hard. I grew up in similar circumstances. My dad lived miles away and was not very present. But if I had grown up in a different environment I might not have picked similar men in my adult life as I learnt from my mother's example and knew no different.