Please reassure me I did the right thing here

[pleasehelpsostressed]

Just had a really distressing call from DSD (15), called her dad (my DH) to say her stepfather was being verbally abusive towards her (vile things like calling her a "whore" amongst other things). She was beside herself sobbing, we couldn't properly make out what she was saying. Husband said he'd go straight over to collect her and she could stay with us. He heads over there and meanwhile an argument ensues between DSD's mother and stepdad in which DSD heard him say (about my partner) "if he steps foot in the house I'll kill him" (she's also recorded this on her phone as evidence). He has also apparently ripped a door off its hinges in the house. Husband got there and DSD managed to get out so he didn't have to go in the house. I called the police and they've gone straight over but my partner had left by the time they arrived. We are all really shaken up by it. DSD is now upset that her mum will be annoyed with her for the police being involved but I couldn't not call them, could I?

Just feeling really stressed right now and seeking some reassurance that I did the right thing here.

OP take yourself to the police station and demand to be taken seriously. I'm sorry you are dealing with this and it sounds absolutely terrifying.

You need to take a very deep breath and then another one - you are understandably spiralling and catastrophising but this isn’t your DH fault, it isn’t worth throwing yiur life away - and I am not sure given what you have said about it getting worse when you stepped in it would help anyway

but go to the police and make a statement

This is just awful, OP. You have done all of the right things, in protecting your DSD, and the rest of your family. I lived with that type of man for about a year, when I was younger (poor choice of Uni boyfriend), and it is utterly exhausting, never being able to relax, and second guessing everything.
I am so sorry you are being so spectacularly failed by the Police, also.
I don't have anything significant to add in advice, but is it worth planning to all go away somewhere for a week or so (you, DH, and the 3 girls)? Might help take the heat off things.
Thinking of you

As others have said, go down to the station and demand to be seen. Do not leave until you are and you have been given the answers that you need.
Also, I'm sure you're probably saying it out of fear, but asking about leaving DH (so that he has to deal with this solo?) ... not sure that screams supportive. I do get it, trust me, I've been in a similar situation! This will get sorted in the right way once the police actually do their jobs effectively. I also hope the ex wife is okay!!

Hang on in there OP. Remember this is not your husband's fault and it sounds like he is doing his best to mediate between DSD and exW.

This horrible man will get his comeuppance soon I am sure. I hope the exW has now also realised the depth of his behaviour and I really hope she stops defending him....

@ketch12
I've been nothing but supportive but we all have a breaking point! Turns out my limit is repeated threats to my own and my children's lives. I think there fair enough

*that is fair enough

Oh OP, you poor thing. You and your DH sound lovely, as does your daughter. I’m glad DSD has you both. Nobody gets angrier than a bully who is accused of bullying.
Please don’t make a huge decision about your life in the midst of all of this. I understand why you feel this way, but now is not the right time for you to consider ending your marriage - something you may bitterly regret once the dust has settled

Your updates are absolutely horrifying!

It might not mean a great deal, but can you get a non molestation order?

And push the police… daily… until they do something.

My DH had a firearms license and forgot to surrender it when it expired (genuine error, we moved house and he didn’t realise it lapsed). he got a letter threatening him with arrest. I thought they took anything to do with firearms really seriously.

Just wanted to say I think you're a wonderful mum and step mum. What you're going through is terrible but hang on in there - you, your husband, your daughters and your step daughters sound like a great team together, don't let this arsehole tear your family unit apart

@pleasehelpsostressed OP - a few years ago a friend of mine was attacked and raped by a group of men. Eventually she managed to escape and we got her to the police (not the county where we live as she was travelling at the time). Anyway, they sent her away without taking her clothes for testing or even swabbing her. Long story short, I emailed the Chief Constable directly and within a few hours they were taking her seriously and the officers who had dealt with her, got dealt with themselves for poor policing. It might be worth a shot. The following link will take you to a site where you can get the phone numbers and email addresses of the UK's chief Constables. It is set up (as an example) to get Lancashire's - where I live - but you can use the search bar and add in the one that's relevant to you. They won't do much themselves but they employ people exactly for the purpose of dealing with complaints etc.

I think mentioning the phone recording(s), the threats, the ability to access weapons and the fact That you've had to move out, should be enough to get some action. They're supposed to protect, not just wait for something to happen - it's too late then.

Hope this helps: www.ceoemail.com/s.php?id=ceo-75079&c=Lancashire%20Police-Chief%20Constable

I appreciate you're tired and frightened, but you need to not make any rash decisions.

You clearly have a strong bond with your DSD and it sounds like she needs both you and her dad at the moment, so walking away might help you but is unlikely to be the best solution and could have a detrimental effect on others. Just imagine how your DSD is feeling, and how it would look if you and the other kids walked away from this. Sorry to sound harsh, but she's a child and also frightened.

You need to focus on keeping everyone safe.

Keep contacting the police, get a non molestation order against this man, and keep pressurising the police to actually do something.

You also need to put in a complaint to the police about how this has been handled.

Any future telephone calls also need to be recorded.

@DazedDragon
OP needs to put her daughters first, don't try to emotionally blackmail her for thinking of their safety foremost.
At the end of the day DSD has OP's DH and her mother, OP's daughters only have her who can distance them from this dangerous situation.

DSD has a mother who is choosing an abusive partner over her own daughter. To have your own mother put an abuser before yourself is one of the most horrific things a child can go through.

Like I said, EVERYONE here has needs so it's best to think things through before making huge decisions.

I wonder if it would help getting his local Police to ‘up their game’ if you contacted them, felt you were being let down and want to make a complaint. That might lead to you being able to speak to a more senior officer who might become concerned about bad publicity.

@ACatNamedRobin
Thank you for understanding where I'm coming from. I've done nothing but cry all day, the fear is overwhelming and this is having a nicely detrimental effect on my well-being and that of my own kids too. It's only natural as a fiercely protective mother that my instinct is to get my girls away from this risk to their lives, ffs

*hugely detrimental, obviously

@StrikeAlways
I have already contacted the police force dealing with him, numerous times. They are useless and disinterested. One of them even hung up on me at one point. So that was helpful.

@weathervane1
Thank you that's helpful, I'll have a look x

Hi OP I've read the entire thread and absolutely horrified at the lack of action from the police. Please contact your local MP and flag it up so they're aware of the situation. The other suggestion is to notify the school that the mum is equally a safeguarding risk as the step dad. Mention that the mother's behaviour of minimising the violent & potentially sexually intimidating behaviour from the step father is a concern. Plus his access to firearms.

Your dh should also email the school safeguarding officer the list of concerns your sdd wrote out. He should mention that her mother didn't seem concerned about them and blamed sdd instead. I'd switch tactics and encourage the authorities to go for the mother as she is the weakest link. Hopefully she'll crack & lose custody of sdd if safeguarding go after her.

I am so sorry that things are so hard for you at the moment. Your need to protect your DDs is more than understandable. I'm not sure that making decisions about leaving your DH is a good idea at the moment. This man is volatile and seemingly wants to fight anyone who gets in his way. You may well be better to all stick together.

Thinking more about his behaviour. He could be angry he's lost access to your DSD. This may well echo in his mind a situation where a partner leaves him and we know all too well that this can be a dangerous time in an abusive situation.

You are right to be scared, and wary, and to work to protect your whole family. MPs can get action when others can't and the chief constable contact sounds sensible too in the circumstances.

Meanwhile, you need to take care of yourself too. Do whatever it takes to maintain as much composure as you can muster. You are acting decisively in the best interests of your family. Keep your clear head. You're doing so well.

I’m so sorry. That’s so awful. That’s why I was wondering if it was worth making a complaint to ‘concentrate their minds’.

At 15 child residence (custody) is for teenager to decide where to live. Her dad should be persuading her to stay. Court won't be interested. But it might impact who is claiming child benefit. Sort that later.
Main issue is everyone s safety.
Talk to school safeguarding lead again.
The main culprit is the stepdad here.

This. Mum is probably a mixture of scared/denial etc. like all of us a bit selfish/scared of change/worried about money. Boiled frog as in it seems normal to her.

It takes a long while for people to leave. He's probably nice to her part of the time. Getting out is hard.

You can get dsd out though. Absolutely. Take the decision from her that she is not going home til he has left permanently.