Please reassure me I did the right thing here

[pleasehelpsostressed]

Just had a really distressing call from DSD (15), called her dad (my DH) to say her stepfather was being verbally abusive towards her (vile things like calling her a "whore" amongst other things). She was beside herself sobbing, we couldn't properly make out what she was saying. Husband said he'd go straight over to collect her and she could stay with us. He heads over there and meanwhile an argument ensues between DSD's mother and stepdad in which DSD heard him say (about my partner) "if he steps foot in the house I'll kill him" (she's also recorded this on her phone as evidence). He has also apparently ripped a door off its hinges in the house. Husband got there and DSD managed to get out so he didn't have to go in the house. I called the police and they've gone straight over but my partner had left by the time they arrived. We are all really shaken up by it. DSD is now upset that her mum will be annoyed with her for the police being involved but I couldn't not call them, could I?

Just feeling really stressed right now and seeking some reassurance that I did the right thing here.

Do tell her school. Ask for the DSL.

You need to protect dsd.. Hopefully her dm will throw that tosser out.

DH plans to speak to the school tomorrow, we are keeping DSD home and he's going to explain what's going on and ask for support etc

She means don't let the mum minimise the stepdads behaviour and by "stay with you" vs residency, she means formally having DSD moving in, getting her safe access to get her stuff moved across etc to get her permanently away from the abuse. @Ponoka7 isn't having a pop at you, she's trying to be supportive.

You did absolutely the right thing. I’m shocked at the police saying the threshold isn’t met for an offence. Have they heard the recording? It sounds like it’s pretty clear if domestic violence against your DSD.

Good on you for protecting her, and absolutely get the school involved.

Get a backup of that recording too.

Thank god she had you two to turn to. Sounds like SF is an angry, angry man and she needs to not be near him. Stupid mother has tried to protect him it sounds like. Perhaps SD will feel up to reporting his behaviour later. I bet it’s not the first time.

Latest this morning, text from mum asking if she's ok followed by "I'm angry at her that the police are involved" 😡 wtf?! Put your child first fgs!! I cannot believe that response.

@DangerMouseAndPenfoldx
The police listened to the recording yes.

and saw the state of the bedroom on the video along with door pulled off and lots of screaming and shouting between mum and stepdad

Shocking what some mothers will put their children through. It's such a shitty thing to do, blame the responsible person thinking of the child's safety instead of their own shitty choices.

Selfish beyond belief.

I would explain that you called the police due to the threats to kill your dh. If this is a woman who is being abused/coerced then her response isn't that shocking. She needs help too but obviously DSD should be your priority at the moment.

@pleasehelpsostressed please ask for the case to be reviewed by the DV team as they are likely to be slightly more proactive.
I have rtft yet just your updates so I'm sure that someone has said this but call ss and make a report about the dv in dsd maternal home, you'll be lucky if they do anything other than have a phone call with her mum but it might just give her the kick up the arse she needs to leave her abusive partner

The mum made need help and may be a victim of abuse but she is chosing to make her daughter a victim as well. That is not excusable.

So many kids have had to endure DA because their mothers wanted to avoid conflict.

Thank god you and your DH were there to step in @pleasehelpsostressed DSD should not go back to that house. The mother is an adult and can make her own choices. You can suggest Women's Aid to her but suspect it will be thrown in your face.

Agreed. It should also have been flagged to school through operation encompass

Hearing about a door being ripped off its hinges took me back to a situation we had with friendly neighbours. His anger escalated to the point he did that, put his ring on the kitchen counter and stormed out. There was an apparent threat of suicide.

We packed up her and the toddler, brought them to our house where she was interviewed by police DV team.

He showed up on our doorstep near midnight and she agreed to pick up her sleeping toddler and go home with him.

They were back at ours by 7am, as he had flipped out again.

They went to and fro like this for years before eventually divorcing.

I read somewhere it can take 7 attempts to leave a DV situation before it is finally over for good.

We've had a good talk with DSD this morning. She is saying she does want to go home to her mum but only if he isn't there, so that's pretty loud and clear. Mum keeps texting her asking when she's coming home so doesn't seem to appreciate the gravity of the situation, which is worrying. DH has gone to meet her for a talk over coffee (he's stipulated she goes alone) and to lay out what DSD is saying she wants / need in order to return home. We are still waiting on a call back from DSD's school safeguarding/welfare team. My own daughter (18) has spent the morning sitting chatting with DSD and she does seem in brighter spirits at the moment. Poor girl, she must be so messed up.

My DD has just sat with DSD to help her compile a list of things that stepdad does / says and the impact on her, for my DH to read to mum when he meets her today. My god, it was a disturbing and upsetting read 😔

He's also binned some of her make up as apparently it makes her look "like a whore" 😡
So DD has lent her some of her make up too.

Jesus, why do stupid women - with daughters especially - get involved with men like this?
I have sympathy solely with the daughter.
And yes, OP, you did the right thing

For goodness sake - don’t be so pedantic. It’s absolutely clear what is meant 🙄

@pleasehelpsostressed DSD is very lucky to have you as a SM and how lovely your daughter is helping her you’ve done absolutely the right thing. Mum’s text just extraordinary 🙈

What a kind DD you have 😊 it'll be good for your DSD to have someone close at home that she can talk to (not saying that she can't talk to you or her dad, but someone closer in age is good too).

Oh my, as a mother and step mother, I'd be doing my best to make DSD being with you a permanent thing. These are very important years for a teen girl that will shape her for the future. Don't let her believe the bar for any men in her life is that low!!

Also you sound like an amazing step mum, and what a lovely compassionate daughter you have too

You absolutely did the right thing. If the mum is annoyed it is because she's covering up for her partner's abusive behaviour in the way that many partners of abusers do because their heads have been messed with and they can't see what is really going on.
The police threshold for pursuing the case was not met this time but they know this man now and have on record what happened which is progress.