Please reassure me I did the right thing here

[pleasehelpsostressed]

Just had a really distressing call from DSD (15), called her dad (my DH) to say her stepfather was being verbally abusive towards her (vile things like calling her a "whore" amongst other things). She was beside herself sobbing, we couldn't properly make out what she was saying. Husband said he'd go straight over to collect her and she could stay with us. He heads over there and meanwhile an argument ensues between DSD's mother and stepdad in which DSD heard him say (about my partner) "if he steps foot in the house I'll kill him" (she's also recorded this on her phone as evidence). He has also apparently ripped a door off its hinges in the house. Husband got there and DSD managed to get out so he didn't have to go in the house. I called the police and they've gone straight over but my partner had left by the time they arrived. We are all really shaken up by it. DSD is now upset that her mum will be annoyed with her for the police being involved but I couldn't not call them, could I?

Just feeling really stressed right now and seeking some reassurance that I did the right thing here.

My heart is breaking for this poor little girl. Please don't let her go back there while that vile man is in the house, even if she says she wants to- it's your job as adults to protect her, even if it goes against her apparent wishes.

And to answer the thread title: yes, you absolutely did the right thing.

Your step daughter can’t return, I’d extend support to the ex wife, and encourage her to leave, and support her to do it.
so she can parent her child safely.
so she can be safe .
she might not be your friend, but you are both women.

I do not think you be telling the girl you fear for her mum's safety

She's 15. Do you not think she realised that her mother was in danger when her stepfather was raging and smashing up the house?

You have all done the right thing. Thankfully you were close by to rescue her and the collective support you're providing is exactly what she needs.

You will need to tell her she cannot go back home whilst her stepdad remains in the home. Now she's unmasked him to everyone else, she's in even more danger.

Please also reassure her it's okay to be worried for her mother, but take some time out from contact. Her mom texting her and pleading for her to come home, having done nothing to ensure her safety, is just not acceptable.

Of course you did the right thing. It was a threat to kill.

Christ on a bloody bike. The way some people live. 🤷🏻

Before I joined this site I has no idea.

Stay safe.

I'd report it to social services and let.them listen to.the recording. I'd keep her at home with you, and stop paying her mum CM.

You did the right thing and handled the situation really well. It must have been a shock to you all. Thankfully you both
stepped up, the situation might have been so much worse. Your step daughter can be in a safe environment and take time to recover from the shock and trauma. You probably will have more drama from the mother. Good luck.

Thank god you did what you did. Of course it was the right thing. Hopefully she will choose to stay in your peaceful home.

@pleasehelpsostressed I'm late to this thread OP, but I just wanted to say you absolutely did the right thing. 🤗 Your DSD's mother, on the other hand, has done the wrong thing and continues to do so. How desperate does she have to be to want an aggressive and verbally abusive man in her home? (Saying her DD looks like a "whore" and using other sexualised language around her are HUGE red flags to me!) How can she excuse and minimise his behaviour by painting her own DD as "manipulative"? How long before his violence escalates from doors to her or your DSD? This woman needs to give her damn head a wobble and remember she's a MOTHER and she needs to parent her DD appropriately.
I'm so sorry you're all going through this, but also really pleased that your DH, you and your DD are able and willing to give your DSD the support she needs and deserves - it must be a huge relief and reassurance to her. Well done OP! 🤗

Absolutely. It’s absurd to think that a man physically ripping doors off and calling his stepchild a whore isn’t also abusive to his wife/partner. This is coercive control and mum will be living in a state of chronic fear, obeying the rules set by him to avoid the consequences. She is loyal to him, dismissing and minimising his abuse, and siding with him over her daughter, which will please him and shows she’s obeying his loyalty code.

You absolutely did the right thing here. Your DSD is not safe in her mums house, neither is her mum. It’s not easy and often very dangerous for a woman to escape from this type of relationship as the man feels entitled to control her and violence escalates when he feels he is losing control.

Your DSD is fortunate to have you, DH and DD supporting her. She has escaped to the safety of your home and hopefully her mum will find the support to leave the relationship.

Unfortunately some women are willing to put penis before their children;this sadly happened to my lovely DIL and resulted in her and her sisters having to be removed from their mothers care.

I feel the police are minimising this. There's audio of someone threatening to kill someone, violence in the home and video evidence of that. Whilst it's potentially 'hearsay' they can't just ignore it. Not when a minor is involved.
Definitely one for the school safeguarding team, with as much information as you feel comfortable to share, including most definitely the involvement of the police.

I am shocked at the polices response in this, no wonder people so often say that there is no point in calling them when things happen. In this case I think you should push it with them as it involves a minor. You have done everything right in this situation, it must be so hard for you but your DSD is lucky to have you both close by to look after her.

I hope DSDs mum comes to her senses but I suspect she won't, it must be extremely difficult for her and with so many other cases she cannot see the abuse from her partner or she thinks it will be the last time. A friend of mine takes her husband back over and over again, he has put her in hospital more than once, she has had him arrested after a particularly bad beating but eventually he ends up back there. Its very distressing.

Have her stay with you permanently and formally pull the plug on the CM. See what kind of behaviours from Mum & Stepdad this incites and keep receipts.
You need to find out if anything more untoward is going on with Stepdad. His comments about makeup, clothing etc are weird and at best, controlling. I’m wondering if there’s more to this. Perhaps he’s got Andrew Tate affinities or perhaps he’s decidedly creepy towards your lovely SD.

@pleasehelpsostressed that is actually incorrect as the stepfather threatened to kill theDH if he set foot in the house. The difference could be that he said this to the mum and not the DH ( intended victim). I would seek legal advice. Women’s Aid should be able to help or refer your family to a solicitor.

@LaVieestBelleNestCePas
Yes he said that (well screamed it) at DSD's mother during the argument - "I'm telling you now if he steps foot in this house I'll kill him, and I'm not messing about". It can be heard clear as day on the recording DSD made. Police said it didn't meet threshold for an arrest because it was conditional upon my DH stepping foot in the house (which he purposely didn't to keep the peace, DSD came out to him instead), and it wasn't said directly to him but to a 3rd party.

Thanks for all the helpful advice, I'm just reading through and catching up now!

I meant to add, with regard to the smashing the house up, they said no offences were committed because he's damaging his own property. So even though he ripped DSD's bedroom door off its hinges (we have the video she took of the mess in her room afterwards clearly showing the door lying on the floor and her things thrown all over), they can't arrest him for that either as criminal damage isn't an offence in your own apparently. I said what about domestic abuse offences? Surely you've got him on that for god sake?! The officer replied "that's not technically an arrestable offence (?! News to me), but we can refer to SS and we will be doing what we can to safeguard DSD" etc.

DSD's mum also told them she isn't scared of him and despite his anger issues she's confident he wouldn't "lay a finger" on either of them. So it's just a nightmare tbh - seems like no one wants to take responsibility for the situation.

Sorry just firing off random thoughts now, but it's just occurred to me that ripping off the door isn't just a violent act, it's potentially also another way of violating DSD's right to privacy isn't it? She can't now have any privacy in her mum's home until that's fixed - he's made sure of that. That's really sinister and sits so uneasily with me. 😕

Hi. Sorry to hear all you are going through. It sounds as though you are handling it brilliantly. I was literally just going to comment before this updated that I used to work in child protection and this was definitely a MO used by sex offenders (often step fathers) in the home to control, intimidate and reduce privacy. I absolutely would not be allowing her to return to that house I’m afraid.

As pps have said, of course you did the right thing op. Having read your updates, I can't believe her mother. She will likely always love her as her mum, but is also really lucky she has two actually competent parents in DH and you looking out for her, and hopefully she won't forget that.

It’s another way to control her, same as binning her makeup. Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour designed to trap someone in a relationship; it is constant and always happening. There is nothing the partner/family member can do to change these behaviours as they are ingrained in the perpetrator. He sets and enforces the rules with consequences. He will have done similar in past relationships.

This is a very dangerous situation. Please research Professor Jane Monckton Smith’s Domestic Homicide Timeline to see how these men operate. Most men don’t progress past stage 5 of the timeline but too many women and their children are killed by these types of men and their escalations are entirely predictable.

The first act of violence my ex inflicted on me was to smash up the house as I sat petrified, stunned at what was going on and terrified that he would move on to destroy me. That night he didn't lay a finger on me. Him smashing up the house felt as though he had. It was a warning to me of what he was capable of.This was many years ago and I have not been able to have an intimate relationship since.

I feel that the general public, police and SS need to be better educated about DV and the different forms it takes. The impact of that night on me was devastating. I I remember that my mind was suddenly paralysed. He had suddenly become this monster and my brain couldn't quite compute what was going on. From that moment I was an abused woman and in his control. He was using violence to control me.

I am appalled that the actions you describe do not meet the threshold for arrest, especially as a young person was involved. They say he destroyed his own property, but it was the bedroom of a young woman. I despair when not even young women are given the protection they need and deserve.

Oh my gosh. Your poor DSD.
I am so glad she has you and her dad to protect her.
The police are absolutely correct, nothing is (yet) an “arrest”-able offence, so until he directly makes threats (even then he could be let off with a warning) or physically harms anyone, the police have their hands tied.
All that is to say please support your DSD, and be there for her, even if she kicks off (and he’s her example!) just support her.
Call SS today, get a log number for DV and inform them of everything you have written down here: make it clear you have evidence of potential threats to life.