Why would a mum block a friendship? Playdate exclusion

[Skymadeofdiamonds]

My 9 year old has been very close , even best friends, with another child at school. Outside of school child's mother avoids us and is icy cold with us. She is warm and friendly with three others arranging playdates, sleepovers, holidays with them. I've invited her child over a few times but messages completely ignored. Her kid has made it clear they'd love to play outside of school with mine.

She'll bend over backwards facilitating other friendships even though those children have problematic behaviour at times e.g. domineering, occasional threats in the games and disrupting lessons. So it's not that. My child is kind, no arguments and no complaints from school.

Mother slightly odd in some other ways too but who isn't.

AIBU to think this is exclusion or social bullying? How do I support my child as child doesnt understand why friend cant play outside of school? Do some people just like making little kids unhappy?

If the mum was determined to exclude your daughter, she’d be telling her not to play with your daughter at school too.

Do you really believe you have the right to demand your daughter play at someone’s house? Your entitlement is incredibly strong.

my kid’s bestie from school uses a lot of foul language outside of school that unfortunately my kid copies. So I have told my kid that his friend isn’t allow over if my kid keeps on using the language (obviously I can’t tell the other kid/ family what to do but to me that’s unacceptable).

Maybe for some reason she doesn't want to start playdates because then it's expected you would reciprocate and she's unsure of leaving her with you? Not saying there's anything wrong with you but she might have her own thoughts on the matter.

Anyone who did an OU History course a few years back with be familiar with the historian Arthur Marwick and his phrase ‘unwitting testemony’

You are incredibly entitled. You can't just demand that people invite you to their house or dedicate their free time to you ans if they don't, label them as bullies. Crazy.

I think I would like to see 'bullying by exclusion' policies at schools amended to include some kind of caveat that if a child is not pleasant to include, that it shouldn't be forced. With much better wording. And obvo help for the excluded child to be a better friend. Adults aren't forced to include people they don't like.

This is a generic tangent btw, not related to ops child, I have no idea.

Just because in lockdown for want or something to do, I helped out at a school as an MSA. You would get kids coming up to you saying 'Sophie won't let me play with her' and the rules were that you go with child to Sophie and tell her to include child. But. So often I'd be thinking 'I'm not remotely surprised because you take over games, don't let anyone else have their ideas, are always Elsa etc'

Oh OP, I’ve ended up feeling really sorry for you.

That’s strikes me as a slightly high level of surveillance

If she doesn't like or you doesn't want to spend time with you she shouldn't have to. It's not bullying. She won't want to go on holiday or arrange a play date with you if she doesn't want to spend time with you. It doesn't mean you're not a nice person, you may just haven't clicked.

I’m imagining behind a tree at playtime

OP, you can see clearly from this thread that there are a lot of haters out there, not all people have nice intentions like you. People on this thread trying to ‘educate’ you on why you are in the wrong and blaming you and your child is absurd! I also learnt the hard way that not all people go out of their way to accommodate people different to them. Fast forward to secondary and my daughter is excelling in school and surrounded by likeminded friends, who luckily have parents who are also lovely. Her daughter in the meantime, close to being expelled, she is obviously retaliating from an overbearing and controlling mother!

We do a lot of playdates and at various times there have been a couple of friends of the kids who we haven't done play-dates with:

• One who I don't feel comfortable with her looking after my child so won't invite hers because then she'll reciprocate
• One whose husband (still married) tried to get me to sleep with him on a night out and so I don't want to get close to them because its awkward - she doesn't know
• One friend of my eldest whose mum has very judgy views about the behaviour of children with additional needs - shes unaware that my youngest has sen needs

Yes, all these things it would be possible to move past or find a solution round or have an in depth conversation about. But frankly I'd rather just have playdates with other kids.

The other thing which has come up a couple of times with a good friend is the mum has made homophobic remarks and my friend is bi (but in a straight relationship so not obvious unless you know her) and shes just quietly dropped playdates

Sorry to heat that. Incredible adults can behave in this manner.

I'm worried she'll recognise herself if I do point it out.

No, I described their behaviour, did not call them anything. If a child threatens to hit others if they dont do what child says in the game, than the word is threatening, that's how language works. If they always want to be in charge and boss others around, and exclude in case of non compliance, that would be domineering. They are words for that, baby.
I gently suggested a handful of times over 5 years, no acknowledgement - that's the extent of my engineering. My kids play with whoever they want to including the ones with problem behavior, with great behavioir, the domineering ones, loud, quiet, boisterous or reserved, rude, pollite, SEN, no SEN, any creed or background, I like parents, I dislike parents - none of that matters. I dont exclude them.
You are completely off the mark abd your post is actually vile. What a nasty piece of work.

Granted. But is this reasonable behaviour a grown up? One of the other mothers she's accommodating is just like her. A couple of others are normal.

Didn't push anything, never done.

I don't know why so many people just attribute things I never said too.

I agree with what you say, my post is about that it's wrong to be "forcing" children to play together, particularly to the exclusion of any natural friendships they have.
I never see the kid play at school with the kids of her friends she fixes playdates for. Completely engineered while she blocks the natural friends her kid develops if they aren't to her standard whatever her standard might be.
She's just isolating her kid, and this is abusive.

Yes

I haven’t read every reply but one thing this thread has shown is how differently people approach things.

I feel your pain OP. Recently watched one of my daughter’s friends hand out party invitations to every other girl in the class apart from her and honestly it was horrible to watch. For whatever reason the mum has gone out of her way to avoid me, and I can only assume has some preconceived idea about me. I know my daughter can come across as bossy as she loves rules and would like everyone to follow them but that seems an extreme reaction if that’s the reason.

Ironically I have a become somewhat friends with a parent who’s kid is not nice at all. So whilst we’re friends she knows what I think of her kid and we actively try and keep them seperate.

I personally hate not knowing what’s going on in social situations, but know I have little control over it, and whilst I attempted to socialise in the beginning it’s why I spend as little time as possible now on the playground!

I try to make light of any situations with my daughter as much as possible and explain that unfortunately people don’t have to behave how we would like.

Your comprehension may be a little off. I never asked go into anybody's house.
As you know very well, school would refuse to facilitate any exclusion instigated by the parent, unless there is an issue of course. And you know why- because it's wrong.

And what words do you have for someone that won't let their kid play with their friends?

obviously I don’t know you or your child but are you sure your child is as nice to hers as you think?
if her child goes home and is regularly upset etc then maybe this is why she has backed off from encouraging the friendship?

Bless but that's completely normal for that age and people with understanding of child development would know that this is something kids need to figure out for themselves. Children would naturally avoid a child like that that would encourage the child to modify her behaviour and that's how everybody learns.
Not by your mum isolating you.
Can't believe how judgemental some posters are and what were named valid reasons for excluding a child.
Trust me, yours has done it too and probably much, much worse. You just don't see it.

Exactly how much time do you spend at the school watching who her child plays with?
Her child is quite obviously not isolated.

Go back and read everything you’ve written, then make up your mind about yourself