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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For thinking having lots of kids is selfish

164 replies

User788889 · 13/02/2025 08:21

So DH said he wouldn’t mind a third child. I won’t even consider it; as much as I love my two angels I don’t think I could handle another one. In no way am I saying 3 kids is a lot by the way. I was one of ten and as a child I received no attention, felt very lonely in a house full of people, and Im not really close to any of my siblings in my adult years. I spent a lot of my teen years raising babies and not getting time to be a child myself. I think this is extremely selfish. I just know I won’t be able to split my time between 3 kids and I highly doubt anyone can past 5+ children.

Im sorry if this comes across as rude. I don’t like judging other parents but I know firsthand how detrimental it is for a child to have to constantly beg their parents for attention. I was always overshadowed by a new and shiny baby, it’s not fair. And parentifying kids should actually be classified as abuse. I feel like that is a given in big families even if they say they don’t or won’t do it.

OP posts:
Didimum · 13/02/2025 08:25

While no one should be having kids without the means to (time, stability and financial), a stable population does need a fertility rate of 2.1 children per woman, so someone’s got to have a lot of kids.

One of ten is incredibly unusual.

Original poster
User788889 · 13/02/2025 08:26

Didimum · 13/02/2025 08:25

While no one should be having kids without the means to (time, stability and financial), a stable population does need a fertility rate of 2.1 children per woman, so someone’s got to have a lot of kids.

One of ten is incredibly unusual.

Edited

My parents took one for the team I guess.

OP posts:
TheaBrandt1 · 13/02/2025 08:28

The parents of large families always insist how marvellous it is. Not their call to say is it - the children when adults get to decide that.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 13/02/2025 08:29

My friend is one of 12. I think she would absolutely agree with you.

wingsspan · 13/02/2025 08:30

Your experience is very valid OP, but I don't think it means that you can judge all people who have a lot of kids to be 'selfish'.

I haven't voted because I think you are very much entitled to how you felt as a child, and having as many as 9 siblings is very unusual these days. I can imagine you must have felt lost amongst that many.

But these days, 3 or 4 children is seen as a bigger family. Some people just want to raise children and see that as their purpose, and are fully equipped to do so, then there's nothing wrong with that.

I know a few families of 3 or 4 children and they are happy and dote on their kids.

Having said that, of course if you don't want a 3rd child you should not have one. In that situation the person who doesn't want to gets the final say.

user1471538275 · 13/02/2025 08:30

I don't think we need to have children to prop up demographics. We can find solutions to that and should - other countries are doing so.

Children should only be born to parents who want them and who have the emotional and financial resources to care for them.

At that point society should support parents to facilitate their growth and development into adults.

It's never going to happen though. People will continue to have children in totally unsuitable relationship and environments, with very little thought to their needs and often out of deeply selfish motives.

This creates damaged children who turn into damaged adults with needs that are difficult to meet.

Devilsmommy · 13/02/2025 08:31

My dad is the youngest of 12. None of them really keep in touch with eachother especially since my nan died. Personally I'm one and done and have zero guilt for it

MumChp · 13/02/2025 08:33

I don't think 3 children is a big family.
More than 4 is I think.

GrouchyKiwi · 13/02/2025 08:34

I'm one of seven. I loved being part of a big family, and we're all close. My parents made sure to carve out time for each of us on our own, and never expected us to help with the younger ones, unless we wanted to (I did; I love babies).

It's not about the number of children. It's about how the parents take care of their children. There are parents with only one or two children who are selfish as well.

You're not unreasonable to not want more children. You are unreasonable to assume that everyone's experiences are the same as yours (and I'm sorry your childhood was difficult). Flowers

Original poster
User788889 · 13/02/2025 08:34

Devilsmommy · 13/02/2025 08:31

My dad is the youngest of 12. None of them really keep in touch with eachother especially since my nan died. Personally I'm one and done and have zero guilt for it

Yes. I feel like I would be a lot closer to my family if there were less of us. I remember great times when there were only 3 of us. Now it’s like quantity over quality.

OP posts:
Swonderful · 13/02/2025 08:34

Bad parents come in all shapes and sizes. My extended family is small with 1 and 2 child families but there's a lot of neglect, trauma and disfunction.

Swonderful · 13/02/2025 08:35

User788889 · 13/02/2025 08:34

Yes. I feel like I would be a lot closer to my family if there were less of us. I remember great times when there were only 3 of us. Now it’s like quantity over quality.

Show quote history

I have one sibling and we never speak - we haven't fallen out, just drifted. I wish I had more.

SallyWD · 13/02/2025 08:37

My DH is one of five, and he loves it. However, I'm pretty sure that many kids in big families don't get the attention they need and are unhappy. We stopped at two because I wanted to give lots of time and attention to each child.
I also think the world has too many people. As much as I love our genes, I didn't think the world needed multiple copies of our DNA.

Vettrianofan · 13/02/2025 08:40

Didimum · 13/02/2025 08:25

While no one should be having kids without the means to (time, stability and financial), a stable population does need a fertility rate of 2.1 children per woman, so someone’s got to have a lot of kids.

One of ten is incredibly unusual.

Edited

I know of a family of ten children in my village. Aged 22 to 2.

marshmallowfinder · 13/02/2025 08:41

Didimum · 13/02/2025 08:25

While no one should be having kids without the means to (time, stability and financial), a stable population does need a fertility rate of 2.1 children per woman, so someone’s got to have a lot of kids.

One of ten is incredibly unusual.

Edited

We need to decrease world population though. The drain on resources by the current population is totally unsustainable and detrimental to the planet and all it's ecosystems.

Ladyj84 · 13/02/2025 08:43

I'm 1 of 8 and never once felt on my own in fact we are all very close siblings and with our parents, grandparents etc and now have our own young families and all live and work near each other. Currently got 4 of my own and bringing them up same way letting them be children not having to care for there siblings it's not there job

Original poster
User788889 · 13/02/2025 08:44

Vettrianofan · 13/02/2025 08:40

I know of a family of ten children in my village. Aged 22 to 2.

Show quote history

Yup that’s like mine. It’s really embarrassing sometimes too. People look at you like a freak. With the amount of kids that need adoption, I can’t for the life of me see any other reason to have that many kids but a selfish one. Like wanting to feel young again. Or you don’t want empty nest syndrome or wanting loads of kids to be able to look after you when you’re older. I can’t even divide my time equally between 5 friends let alone loads of kids. Always a favourite. Always one left out.

OP posts:
farmlife2 · 13/02/2025 08:44

There are many kids from big families who are really positive about it. And many kids from small families who aren't positive about it. It comes down to the experience they have and how well the parents can manage a larger family. Some do it better than others, it seems.

What matters is that you don't think you can manage three, so that should be the only thing under consideration.

Parentifying children is abusive and isn't always part and parcel of large families.

PiastriThePastry · 13/02/2025 08:45

I’m sorry you felt so lonely as a child, that’s sad to read.
While I’m not one of ten, I’m one of ‘5+’ and although our childhood was a shitshow in many ways, having my siblings was never part of the strife. I’m still incredibly close to all of them today and feel grateful to have grown up with them all. I never really felt I go ‘no’ attention but of course, I probably got less than one of, say, two children. I only have one child (and one imminently due!) myself but that’s not through lack of wanting a big family, and one of my siblings is fast approaching the ‘5+’ bracket with their kids, so I guess we must remember it fondly enough!

SlashingRedRibbons · 13/02/2025 08:46

I think before reliable contraception kids just came along . It was expected of a couple to produce a baby straight away . Then the 1960s came , the pill ,
Women's liberation and everything changed .

As for people with small families back then , I guess Storks brought babies , Swallows didn't . 😂

farmlife2 · 13/02/2025 08:47

User788889 · 13/02/2025 08:44

Yup that’s like mine. It’s really embarrassing sometimes too. People look at you like a freak. With the amount of kids that need adoption, I can’t for the life of me see any other reason to have that many kids but a selfish one. Like wanting to feel young again. Or you don’t want empty nest syndrome or wanting loads of kids to be able to look after you when you’re older. I can’t even divide my time equally between 5 friends let alone loads of kids. Always a favourite. Always one left out.

Show quote history

I have a collection of kids and they get more attention and opportunities than I ever got as one of two. And none of the reasons you mention are reasons I had a few kids. We were doing well and really enjoy kids. No more, no less. As adults they are positive about it. I wish I had more than one sibling, but I don't think my parents could have managed that well.

Notgivenuphope · 13/02/2025 08:48

I have known 2 couples who were actively told by doctors no more children because it would put the mother’s health at serious risk including death.
Oh no that wasn’t good enough. I WANT more.
To me that is pure selfishness.

HiptotheHopp · 13/02/2025 08:48

People underestimate how much the companionship of siblings can balance out a lack of attention from parents. So you might not get lots of one on one from your parents (you might not get that as an only child either!) but you can have lifelong companions that more than compensate.

Btw having any children is selfish. One is, two is...you're not having them for anything other than selfish reasons.

Original poster
User788889 · 13/02/2025 08:50

HiptotheHopp · 13/02/2025 08:48

People underestimate how much the companionship of siblings can balance out a lack of attention from parents. So you might not get lots of one on one from your parents (you might not get that as an only child either!) but you can have lifelong companions that more than compensate.

Btw having any children is selfish. One is, two is...you're not having them for anything other than selfish reasons.

Edited

I wish that was the case with me. My siblings don’t even know what country I’m in. But to be fair I don’t even know which one they’re in so I guess it goes two ways.

100% I say as a mom of 2. The act of having kids is selfish. I will be a foster mom when I’m older rather than bring more kids into the world. But I will say I can afford them and will pass them down wealth. My family couldn’t afford the 10, 6 of them live in a 3 bedroom to this day, and they couldn’t pass me down a stick of gum. I still don’t even know how to ride a bike and many simple things my partner had to teach me. Riding a bike is still yet to come but he will teach our kids lol.

OP posts:
Sharptonguedwoman · 13/02/2025 08:51

Didimum · 13/02/2025 08:25

While no one should be having kids without the means to (time, stability and financial), a stable population does need a fertility rate of 2.1 children per woman, so someone’s got to have a lot of kids.

One of ten is incredibly unusual.

Edited

Perhaps it would be better if the UK population gradually declined? Certainly environmentally, as I watch our countryside vanish under concrete.
Yes, I realise the ratio on non-workers to workers is a problem.

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