For thinking having lots of kids is selfish

[User788889]

So DH said he wouldn’t mind a third child. I won’t even consider it; as much as I love my two angels I don’t think I could handle another one. In no way am I saying 3 kids is a lot by the way. I was one of ten and as a child I received no attention, felt very lonely in a house full of people, and Im not really close to any of my siblings in my adult years. I spent a lot of my teen years raising babies and not getting time to be a child myself. I think this is extremely selfish. I just know I won’t be able to split my time between 3 kids and I highly doubt anyone can past 5+ children.

Im sorry if this comes across as rude. I don’t like judging other parents but I know firsthand how detrimental it is for a child to have to constantly beg their parents for attention. I was always overshadowed by a new and shiny baby, it’s not fair. And parentifying kids should actually be classified as abuse. I feel like that is a given in big families even if they say they don’t or won’t do it.

No, you are not unreasonable at all. I was one of five and experienced a similar childhood to yours. It made me incredibly resentful, I was like a mini parent, changing nappies etc. I’ve always been of the view that children shouldn’t be the ones parenting their siblings (to the above extent, anyway). We also had to fight for our parents attention and affection, which was just ridiculous. They didn’t have time to devote to each child.

Nobody can split the time equally between 3 children, so what? I don't have 3, but I think it is a marvellous number!

While I agree with you in principle, that’s a lot of economic decline. I am in Scotland, and on one hand our SNP government is pushing a green agenda, on the other they want immigration or rising births to breed more tax payers.

Taxpayers who, by and large, support a large public sector and freebies, such as prescriptions, bus travel etc, and of course social care for the aging population (as I hope one day to be!)

As to large families, as others have said, if parents ahave the energy and resource to raise them, that’s great.

I am sorry, Op, that it really has not been great for you.💐

I was one of 5 and loved it! We are still all very close as adults

I completely agree with you, OP. I do know one or two big families (not as big as 10, though!) who are happy, but it certainly wouldn't be for me. I'm an only child myself and am childfree, but if I wanted kids there is no way I would want more than two at the very most, in fact I'd most likely be one and done. Anything over three seems like a lot at this point in history.
Incidentally, I know someone who is very big on the environment, Just Stop Oil, XR, yadda yadda. She has five kids! I cannot take her stance seriously one whit.

I think 'selfish' might be a bit unfair but it is an unusual choice to have 6+ kids and I think driven by very personal circs.

But I love an unusually large family thread. It generally fills up with parents of 6+ saying how wonderful it is and how much kids love it too and adults who grew up in large families saying they hated it.

Poverty often goes with large families so children may not have material things. But in the end the quality of the upbringing reflects the quality of the parents (and other family members). My mother was 7th of 8 (Or 12 some died) but said her mother was as interested in her doings as she had been in all the rest. Of course the older ones were adults when the younger were born. All of the children were very close and pulled together through good and bad times. (On the other hand I have cousins who couldn't find time for 2.)

Poverty must be an issue. My DH wasn’t poor but said he remembers very clearly always being hungry and that they all looked skeletal under their clothes.

For real? That’s insane.

I’m one of four. I loved it. I’m the eldest, and it felt like a little gang. Always someone on your side.

I had 4 myself, and married a man later with 2 of his own. We had custody of all 6. It was busy and fun and the kids are close as adults. We all get together a few times a year, with our grandchildren as well to keep our bonds tight.

Fostering is hard work. I’m a registered foster parent as well. It’s not just taking kids and loving them in a little bubble of idyllic happiness. You can’t just bounce up and say ‘I’ll take 2 please’.

To start with the process is gruelling. Your life is picked over, and laid bare. Bank accounts, medical records, your home, even your car! They have to check MOT etc. just explaining how intense it is.

Then they interview 3 referees. Intense discussions about you, your beliefs, your friends, your outlook on gender, sexuality, racism etc. They then do your family, kids, ex partners.

If you get through all that then you have to go in front of a panel who again grill you.

Most children in the system are ‘damaged’ in some way. They need intense care that often involves you giving up work to do it.

@Rachie1973 hats off, fostering or adoption sounds so so intense. I admire those that take it on.

I knew someone that had 10 kids yes 10 kids all to the same dad.
The eldest 3 became the parents most of the time it was awful the mum was only interested in the benefits.

She asked me why i stopped at one my reply was not the best i said i wanted my vagina to stay in shape.
I was one and done.

Your reasoning makes no sense. If having kids is selfish than surely having one or two also is? Your argument of having loads of kids needing adoption also applies to you, why did you have two kids when you could have adopted? Who will be the judge and issue a number when it’s ok to have kids and a number when you have to start adopting them? Also, as human beings we are always deep down selfish, people chose to not have kids for selfish reasons and chose to have a few or lots of kids for selfish reasons as well. However, it takes a lot of generosity and some degree of selflesness to raise kids with love and respect and proper manners and values so I don’t agree with you at all. Also, I think I’d rather have been born in a large family and exist than not exist at all so also there’s that.

I loved being one of four. Still love it. Still close to all my siblings and my parents and they all bring a lot of happiness to me.

We were comfortably off though, my parents could still afford private education, uni fees, holidays and expensive hobbies for us.

I think it would have felt very different if money was tight

I grew up in a large family and also have what you'd consider a large family. My siblings and I are all very close. We didn't grow up rich, but we had a good childhood with parents who did their best. I give time and attention to my children, who don't go without. They get the best of me.

My husband on the other hand is one of two from a well off family, he had an awful childhood, basically neglected, doesn't get on with his sister or parents and struggles with issues to this day that stem from his childhood.

You have issues from your childhood that has led you to make the decision not to have more children. Good for you. I think that's a decision we'll made. Doesn't mean that others who are living differently should be put down and spoke about like they have made the wrong decision in life.

As someone from a small family, this is what I really miss at the other side. I was one of two and was happy, but my childhood wasn’t any more wonderful than a child’s who has 4 siblings in an equally happy home. And now you get to enjoy having 4 siblings in adulthood. Win win!

I have x4. Almost all adults now. We're a happy family and they get a lot from their sibling relationships. I am reassured that when I am gone they won't feel alone and that they get a lot from their siblings that as parents we cannot offer.

Is that selfish? Maybe. You could argue that only having one is just as selfish but for different reasons.

4 isn’t a crazy amount though.

The way some people bang on though it’s a catastrophic amount. 🤦🏼‍♀️

You’re saying I’m bias based on my experience but objectively so are you. You have loads of kids of course you will argue for it. But you’ve never experienced the world through your kids eyes having a lot of siblings? My mom will say I had a great childhood but she doesn’t know how much it scarred me. Even the little things. Not having my own space, couldn’t share any secrets with her. How will you ever know the damage until it’s done. Not trying to shame. Only trying to raise awareness. Parents make choices that affect their kids.

But you were 1 of 10.

I think everyone, even posters with larger families, will agree that's an excessive amount.

I currently have 3 and I'm pregnant with my 4th, will be my last baby.

I make time for each child individually and so does my husband.

I think this is a debate that goes round in circles and there's no right or wrong answer. People shouldn't have to defend the amount of children they have whether it's one or five. It seems that no one can win. You're either selfish for wanting lots of children or selfish for wanting one. Some people love coming from small families or being an only child, others hate it and the same applies to large families. There isn't one size fits all.

Of course people are impacted positively or negatively by their childhood and that can impact their decision on how many children they have, that's completely natural. But a person's childhood is unique to them. Just because someone had a negative impact growing up in a large family, it doesn't stand that all people who have big families are selfish or will have the same experience.

The adoption is issue is completely seperate. The overwhelming majority of children in the adoption system will have experienced some sort of trauma and it takes a different type of parenting than what it would be parenting your own (of course not all the time). It's not something I would be able to do and I'm not selfish for wanting my own child over adopting one.

Whilst this is somewhat true, it ignores the fact that it is harder to be a good parent to many children. I believe my parents were good parents to the first two children while they still had energy and enthusiasm but by the time it came to the third and fourth their attention had shifted to other focuses. Good parenting requires sustained effort for many years and many are not capable of this.

I think having a small family can give a false sense that you're giving individual attention. I remember doing everything as a 4 growing up so I never really had one on one time with my parents. Never a weekend away or meal out just with my Mum.

Whereas I mainly do things with 1 child - it's too expensive with 4!! Little trips out for coffee etc so we have a lovely time together. Next week I'm going away for a few days to visit a uni with my daughter - we'd have done it as a family growing up.

It varies though. My father was eldest of 12 and they were all close. He was an adult and had left home when his little sister was born and they adored each other. I'm one of 3 in the last 5 years I've seen one of them once and don't even know when I saw the other one but definitely over five years ago. So who can predict how close families should be.