For thinking having lots of kids is selfish

[User788889]

So DH said he wouldn’t mind a third child. I won’t even consider it; as much as I love my two angels I don’t think I could handle another one. In no way am I saying 3 kids is a lot by the way. I was one of ten and as a child I received no attention, felt very lonely in a house full of people, and Im not really close to any of my siblings in my adult years. I spent a lot of my teen years raising babies and not getting time to be a child myself. I think this is extremely selfish. I just know I won’t be able to split my time between 3 kids and I highly doubt anyone can past 5+ children.

Im sorry if this comes across as rude. I don’t like judging other parents but I know firsthand how detrimental it is for a child to have to constantly beg their parents for attention. I was always overshadowed by a new and shiny baby, it’s not fair. And parentifying kids should actually be classified as abuse. I feel like that is a given in big families even if they say they don’t or won’t do it.

Exactly what I thought. There's no logic in that.

I think you are a good mom judging from the way you said “I hope” and not they definitely enjoyed their childhood. Shows you are self aware, I wish my parents could be like that.

They would say we’re all happy when really we are all anxious, socially awkward, depressed and lack confidence. Literally all of us.

But then again we had no clubs, could not socialise outside the family and our needs weren’t met.

I'm one of 7 and I agree. I'm sure there are big families that work really well but that wasn't my experience and it's definitely not something I'd want to replicate myself.

Yeah I guess - it doesn’t seem that well thought through. I think it’s less common for a child with only one sibling to develop the self-sufficiency that someone who is the eldest of four does though. She would leave me at 16 to care for three siblings while she went on holiday (my dad was off the scene by then).

YANBU and I completly agree. My DH would like a third. I say no way

I don't have anything to give a third, not financially but of myself. I don't have the time or the energy. And the NHS and housing is already stretched. Imagine if there kids all have three kids of their own. We are all living much longer than we did in the past when bigger families were more common so the population isn't evening itself out. Two kids is plenty.

I was one of five and completely neglected. My parents were neglectful and selfish anyway but there being five of us didn't help. I was cooking dinner and watching over toddlers when I was way too young and it wasn't fair. It's one of the main reasons that I do object to the Radfords. Inevitably, with a family that big, some of the kids are going to end up with too much responsibility.

I hope she was holidaying down the road, because that's way too much responsibility to put on a 16 year old. I know I'd have been capable at 16 but if there was an emergency, it's very young to have to deal with.

I think whether or not you’re self sufficient is down to your parenting and personality. If you didn’t have a choice it would be irrelevant how well you coped because your mum would have still holidayed.

My cousins were similar - although not with younger siblings. My Aunt met a new man when they were 14 and 16. She moved into the new man’s house leaving them to fend for themselves in the family home. I don’t know the ins and outs (like whether she did the food shop) but my Mum was always very critical of that.

One of my friends has 4 and most of them are mid-late teens. She says that her oldest daughter says to her she’s never had a beach holiday abroad and my friend felt a bit guilty. Had she only had 2 children she could have afforded it and the memories that come with family holidays.

Having several children is expensive and they can miss out on normal experiences and attention because it has to be shared 4 ways. They also have to share a room so they don’t love that.

Several of my friends come from families with four children, and loved it. One came from a family of eleven siblings (I think she was 3rd oldest child and eldest girl) and loved it. Maybe they're all unusual in that.

The amount of time you have in the first place makes a big difference. I educate my three children at home. They each get more of my attention than if they were an only child at school and I were at work, I suspect. (Not a criticism of working mothers, but rather a response to the idea that children in larger families miss out compared to those in smaller families).

No, she was abroad. Yes, it was a lot of responsibility but I was used to it by then. I used to take my siblings to the park for hours on my own at age 10 (the youngest was 4). Many parents of 10 year olds won’t even let them walk to the local shop on their own.

I just know I won’t be able to split my time between 3 kids and I highly doubt anyone can past 5+ children

I have 2 and I'd of lived another but realistically, I just wouldn't be able to split myself between 3 children. I have no idea how other parents do it when they have loads

I know 3 women who, one woman has 10 children..... 10! My friend is pregnant with her 7th! And the other woman is on her 5th. I just don't know how they manage to give everyone the same time energy ect

Free childcare. I had to do the same.

The planet is over-populated and in the UK we are building on the green belt and farm land.

Has she never been on any holidays at all? My 15 year old is about to go on a plane for the first time because we have a big family and do cheap UK holidays or get the ferry to France.

But then again I didn't go on a plane till about the same age and I only had one sibling.

Laoise542 Interesting that you fell out with your twin ,my friend was also a twin and doesnt speak to her either . Anyway I digress .Large families were usual when I was growing up 60sn /70s 6 children was normal ! 4 is seen as large now.On one hand I only know a couple of people with 3 or 4 ,most seem to be 1 or 2 .Big Irish families were also usual .

Completely agree OP. I say this as one of eight.

My mother would say we had an idyllic childhood, she has rose-tinted spectacles and no capability of self-reflection. She definitely did and does not have the emotional capacity to have that many children. It's very telling that the majority of my siblings don't want any children at all. I only have two with a big age gap and I am so careful not to parentify my eldest.

I strongly believe any number over four is too many for a parent to deal with.

I agree wholeheartedly from experience. I’m one of 7. I had to constantly beg for attention as a child. I was painted as “naughty” because I probably acted out to be noticed by my parents. In my family’s case, mine and my siblings emotional needs were never met properly because there simply wasn’t enough time to.

@User788889 thank you that was a really nice thing to say.

Yes, having a big family has its advantages, but beyond the kids, there’s also the mother’s sacrifices. Some moms don’t actually want to take on the heavy burden of having too many children.

I am currently pregnant with my 4th.

I grew up as one of 4 and was unhappy.

That wasn't caused by the amount of siblings though, but by my parents behaviour.

There was physical and emotional abuse and my father abandoned us when I was 10.

I know someone who is 40 and has 13 kids. Absolutely crazy and I feel sorry for the children.

DH was an only child and got no attention or love growing up. He says it was intensely lonely.
Honestly think some people are just not cut out for kids, regardless of the number. Although 10 is mind blowing, and must have had no peace at home.

They’ve had a couple of city breaks away, including London for 3/4 nights because it costs so much. Never been on a plane.

I didn’t go on a plane until I was an adult because we couldn’t afford it - but my parents could afford to smoke 30+ cigarettes every day and that’s the reason we never got away. I remember their selfishness.

Omg! I have never heard anyone talk of "parentifying" kids as abuse. This happened to me and I could not agree more. It has left me with lifelong issues, not least putting other people's needs before my own, which has made me prone to be abused by others.

They wouldn’t feel the need to do that though if people didn’t generalise big families so much. It gets people’s backs up when strangers decide your children are living in the depths of despair just because you have more than 2 children.

OP had to beg for attention so apparently that must be the same for all children in big families. See what I mean?