Page 7 | For thinking having lots of kids is selfish

User788889 · 2025-02-13T08:21:55+00:00

So DH said he wouldn’t mind a third child. I won’t even consider it; as much as I love my two angels I don’t think I could handle another one. In no way am I saying 3 kids is a lot by the way. I was one of ten and as a child I received no attention, felt very lonely in a house full of people, and Im not really close to any of my siblings in my adult years. I spent a lot of my teen years raising babies and not getting time to be a child myself. I think this is extremely selfish. I just know I won’t be able to split my time between 3 kids and I highly doubt anyone can past 5+ children. Im sorry if this comes across as rude. I don’t like judging other parents but I know firsthand how detrimental it is for a child to have to constantly beg their parents for attention. I was always overshadowed by a new and shiny baby, it’s not fair. And parentifying kids should actually be classified as abuse. I feel like that is a given in big families even if they say they don’t or won’t do it.

Laoise542 · 13/02/2025 15:03

berksandbeyond · 13/02/2025 11:06

I agree. I don't think it's possible to give more than 2 children the love / time / energy / support / space / money they deserve. It's a very unpopular opinion though. I know what I can see though, and the standard of parenting from everyone I know with more than 2 children wouldn't be acceptable to me.

This is absolute nonsense. I grew up one of three and both my parents were/are incredible parents. I was never short of time, love or space or anything else you have described. There was certainly no decline in their standard of parenting compared to those with less kids.

And believe it or not, my mum even had the energy to childmind on top and looked after a little boy full time from when he was four months old until he went to school and she's still good friends with the parents to this day.

I personally wouldn't have it in me to parent three children but I don't make assumptions because I couldn't other that others are the same as me. And "you know what you see". Absolutely ridiculous you think you're suddenly an expert into all families with more than three children.

justletmegetmyglasses · 13/02/2025 15:16

BatchCookBabe · 13/02/2025 08:54

It's a bit weird having lots of children in this day and age. As there is such a huge population of humans - 8 billion now - I can't see the need. The parents cannot POSSIBLY give each child their full attention when they have 6 or more children. Also, I do wonder if people would have so many if they had zero help from welfare benefits? Not even child benefit...

1 is fine, 2 is plenty, 3 is the most anyone needs IMO. It would do the planet the world of good if 50% of humans didn't reproduce at all for 10 years. Also, whilst children are wonderful, and SOMEone needs to have them to keep the human race going, it is hard work raising them - and expensive. And even when they're grown they cause you heartache and stress!

I know a woman right now with a 36 y.o. daughter who has just moved back 'home' for the third time. (First left at 28!) She gave up her job and her flat - as all the responsibility was 'stressing her out.' She hasn't kept a job for more than 6 months, she's had 13 jobs since she left school, and has spent more than 50% of the past 17 years unemployed. Her mother enables her too. (This 36 y.o. woman has had a couple of boyfriends, one for 1 year, and one for 2 years, but never lived with any of them!)

I'd lose my shit if either of mine behaved like this. Her other daughter (age 30) has had 2 children with different men, and lives at 'home' too. With the 2 children. Had 7 different jobs between 17 and 23, and has just not worked since she had her first child. All living off the parents!

YANBU @User788889 Fortunately however, not that many people have lots of children these days, and more people than ever before are choosing to remain child-free.

Edited

There's a benefit cap on more than two children.

Original poster

User788889 · 13/02/2025 15:27

geekygardener · 13/02/2025 14:53

Based on what I have seen I have to agree. I work closely with families of all shapes and sizes and also I have friends and school parent acquaintances with differing family sizes and set ups.

The larger families all seem rushed and stressed. Most seem to be just getting through the day rather than actually enjoying it. When I'm in larger families homes it's often chaotic and messy and the children are often struggling in one way or another. I see parents struggling to get lots of children to do this that and the other, and toddles are being pulled along while mum fights with an older child and tries to push a pram etc.. I have observed a lot more behaviour issues in children of larger families. They get less attention and financial resources, such as holiday and clubs as well as help with uni etc

I'm not saying it's true for every single large family on the planet but it does not appear to me that the children are getting everything they need. They seem to be pulled along for the ride rather than fully embraced.

I know parents of large families will disagree but of course they will. I know some adults will say they loved having lots of siblings, but they don't know any different and can't know life where they would have had more time and experiences and know how they would have liked that.

Parents of larger families will say they have so much time to spend with each child etc but I really don't see that often and I really don't know how that is possible. Each and every day I spend quality time with my dc: talking to them after school, taking time to listen to them, doing homework and reading, meaningful bedtimes and being present at their clubs, assembly, events, getting to know their individual strengths and challenges and what they like. I volunteer at their school and activities to be involved in their lives. Cooking separate meals and attending appointments and making sure I can fully focus there. Knowing which child needs what on which day for x day at school. Financially too: allowing them freedom to have the best and extras such as spur of the moment cinema with friends or just being able to take them on expensive experiences or spontaneous shopping trips when they are having a rubbish time. Taking them out one on one when they have had a rubbish week or even as a celebration for something. I have one who has had the opportunity to compete at national level in her sport which has meant lots of time and money for us. One of us is away most weekends with her doing her sport.
I just do not know how anyone could do that with lots of children. I have two with a 4 year gap. People will tell themselves they are doing that with all their children in large families but there is no way on earth that's possible.

I was one of 5 and neglected. The new babies were the focus and older kids forgotten, left to fend for themselves too young. Adult siblings have chosen to have two or less children, with two choosing none. That's the whole reason I am so devoted to my children as above. I never want them to feel as I did. It wasn't even the physical neglect and lack of experiences/finances that was the worst, it was the emotional neglect as parents were always stressed and tired.

I also agree that I get so much from my career and I can't imagine being able to work with more children.

This was my experience as well. Sorry to hear you had a stressful experience I completely understand and feel the same way about everything you said. I also agree, some people are blissfully unaware how much they could have had. I never got help with anything financially. Had to pay rent pretty young and had a job to provide for siblings. No help with uni fees etc or anything towards getting my license. I am so envious of them children who were helped by their parents get on their feet as adults not just dragged along winging it then being chucked into adulthood with no real skills only trauma. I also don’t believe you can give loads of kids the emotional support they need. I had no clubs which is terrible and a lot of the time no one cared about what I had going on, only the new baby.

OP posts:

Itisbetter · 13/02/2025 15:37

I think much of what you are describing is the result of poverty not family size @User788889 . You have identified that you lacked things and feel (probably rightly) that there would have been more for you if you could swap a few siblings for the resources. Your parents could have spent their money/time on something else just as easily though. It sounds like your idea of a perfect childhood wasn’t something they were willing to facilitate. It will be interesting to see what your own children choose to do with their lives.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 13/02/2025 15:39

The other problem with being the parentified child is that it ruins your adult relationships with your siblings. I’m not close to my siblings because they see me as quasi-responsible for them and therefore their own children. They’re always moaning that I’m no longer around to provide childcare and have suggested on numerous occasions that as I don’t have kids, my money should be spent on theirs. My parents get let off the hook entirely.

You don’t have to have an enormous family to end up parentified, either - just parents who are happy to abdicate all responsibility.

The problem lies in how good the parents are, not the family size, though like you I agree that over a certain number it’s impossible to ensure all needs met.

TheignT · 13/02/2025 15:52

fitzwilliamdarcy · 13/02/2025 15:39

The other problem with being the parentified child is that it ruins your adult relationships with your siblings. I’m not close to my siblings because they see me as quasi-responsible for them and therefore their own children. They’re always moaning that I’m no longer around to provide childcare and have suggested on numerous occasions that as I don’t have kids, my money should be spent on theirs. My parents get let off the hook entirely.

You don’t have to have an enormous family to end up parentified, either - just parents who are happy to abdicate all responsibility.

The problem lies in how good the parents are, not the family size, though like you I agree that over a certain number it’s impossible to ensure all needs met.

Depends on spacing as well, you could have 2 a year apart and it be difficult. I have 4 and the eldest was in his 20s when the youngest was born, away at university and definitely not parenting anyone and not feeling all attention was on the baby and he had his own life.

I knew someone who had a premature baby, their older child was not quite ten months old. Now that is a difficult situation when you are trying to do your best for both of them. She always said it was harder than twins as both babies but different stages.

Original poster

User788889 · 13/02/2025 15:55

Itisbetter · 13/02/2025 15:37

I think much of what you are describing is the result of poverty not family size @User788889 . You have identified that you lacked things and feel (probably rightly) that there would have been more for you if you could swap a few siblings for the resources. Your parents could have spent their money/time on something else just as easily though. It sounds like your idea of a perfect childhood wasn’t something they were willing to facilitate. It will be interesting to see what your own children choose to do with their lives.

Studies have found nearly half (40%) of big families are in poverty. Naturally there is a lack of resources when divided amongst loads of people. 50 easily becomes 5. In my opinion why give nothing to loads of kids when you can give everything to a few. My sons very devoted to football hopefully want to enrol him into a football academy and my dd is in every club imaginable. I won’t let my kids live the life I did. They will have every opportunity and help I can give them.

OP posts:

fitzwilliamdarcy · 13/02/2025 16:06

TheignT · 13/02/2025 15:52

Depends on spacing as well, you could have 2 a year apart and it be difficult. I have 4 and the eldest was in his 20s when the youngest was born, away at university and definitely not parenting anyone and not feeling all attention was on the baby and he had his own life.

I knew someone who had a premature baby, their older child was not quite ten months old. Now that is a difficult situation when you are trying to do your best for both of them. She always said it was harder than twins as both babies but different stages.

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Agree. A big enough gap and you avoid parentification (as you did) and a small gap also avoids it, but creates a different problem of competing needs in two extremely young children.

The gaps between me and my siblings weren’t tiny and weren’t huge, but coupled with two parents with no real understanding of risk assessment, meant I took on a parenting role at a young age (6).

Again it seems to come back more to the uselessness of the parents, though I think even the best parent would end up parentifying the elder kids if they had over a certain number of kids in the same household.

ClassicBBQ · 13/02/2025 16:09

I have 3 and that is definitely enough. I struggle to spread myself around them properly as it is, and couldn't imagine having more. I always wanted a big family, but now I realise that it wouldn't be fair on the DCs.

TheignT · 13/02/2025 16:09

fitzwilliamdarcy · 13/02/2025 16:06

Agree. A big enough gap and you avoid parentification (as you did) and a small gap also avoids it, but creates a different problem of competing needs in two extremely young children.

The gaps between me and my siblings weren’t tiny and weren’t huge, but coupled with two parents with no real understanding of risk assessment, meant I took on a parenting role at a young age (6).

Again it seems to come back more to the uselessness of the parents, though I think even the best parent would end up parentifying the elder kids if they had over a certain number of kids in the same household.

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Yes it is down to the parents, useless parents are useless regardless of numbers.

asco · 13/02/2025 16:36

I don't believe the amount of children is necessarily the issue, I firmly believe that no matter how many or few children you have you need to make sure you are able to provide properly for those children - financially, emotionally, time wise, house space and with 100% dedication to raising those children to the best of your ability in order to ensure they can become the best they can.
We currently have 4, will have no. 5 later this year and plan on having one more after that. They currently range in age from 1yr to 9 yrs.
We have space for them to all have their own room - 2 of which are permanently empty as the 3 oldest sleep together in one of the rooms every night🙄
We are very financially secure while both only working very part time hours and we have paid help 3 days a week.
Due to having the most amazing extended families, great grandparents, grandparents, aunts uncles etc, all very involved in their lives we have actually had to keep notes of who has had who in order that the adults all get their turn!!!
We each are involved in 2 separate hobbies/sports that some/all are involved in and in between spending time with them on those we each carve out one on one time with each child several times a week, every week.
So while some of the above is only possible due to finances and family involvement the rest is down to us as parents and I, at the risk of sounding like I'm bragging, am very proud of both DH and I for our commitment to them.

Itisbetter · 13/02/2025 17:43

User788889 · 13/02/2025 15:55

Studies have found nearly half (40%) of big families are in poverty. Naturally there is a lack of resources when divided amongst loads of people. 50 easily becomes 5. In my opinion why give nothing to loads of kids when you can give everything to a few. My sons very devoted to football hopefully want to enrol him into a football academy and my dd is in every club imaginable. I won’t let my kids live the life I did. They will have every opportunity and help I can give them.

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So 60% of those larger families don’t experience poverty? I really think that that is the root and I guess what you think a good childhood looks like. Personally I don’t rate masses of time spent in after school activities as optimal. I think it’s lovely that you looked at your own childhood and thought what you really wanted and then gave that to your children. The fact you wanted to do that rather than the act says to me that you are probably a really loving dedicated mum. I think that is what will make the biggest difference.

Dels87 · 13/02/2025 19:00

TheignT · 13/02/2025 16:09

Yes it is down to the parents, useless parents are useless regardless of numbers.

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Of course but useless parents will inevitably be even more useless (and perhaps even neglectful?) with more kids.

Upstartled · 13/02/2025 19:13

30% of children in the UK are growing up in poverty. So if 40% of children in larger families are growing up in poverty, that isn't a huge increase on the national average.

I mean, ideally, all children would be growing up in homes that could comfortably afford them but this isn't exclusive to larger families.