For thinking having lots of kids is selfish

[User788889]

So DH said he wouldn’t mind a third child. I won’t even consider it; as much as I love my two angels I don’t think I could handle another one. In no way am I saying 3 kids is a lot by the way. I was one of ten and as a child I received no attention, felt very lonely in a house full of people, and Im not really close to any of my siblings in my adult years. I spent a lot of my teen years raising babies and not getting time to be a child myself. I think this is extremely selfish. I just know I won’t be able to split my time between 3 kids and I highly doubt anyone can past 5+ children.

Im sorry if this comes across as rude. I don’t like judging other parents but I know firsthand how detrimental it is for a child to have to constantly beg their parents for attention. I was always overshadowed by a new and shiny baby, it’s not fair. And parentifying kids should actually be classified as abuse. I feel like that is a given in big families even if they say they don’t or won’t do it.

I’m one of 6. As a dc I knew our straitened situation was due to too many dc to feed and clothe.
I dreamed of being an only dc.
My best friend is an only dc, her df died when she was very young and her dm was a poor( financially) widow. However my bf had a loving dm who was very present for her and she was cared for in a way I never was.

As adults I have a good relationship with all of my siblings and I love them very much.
My bf would have loved to have siblings and has no family outside her dh and dc.

I think on balance my bf is still better for not having lots of siblings because she had a childhood that gave her a more stable upbringing and a confidence that I don’t have.
But perhaps that’s just our personalities. There’s a lot of factors to consider.

I think you are generalising from your own experience OP. I know lots of larger families (though none as large as yours) and I think there are happy families and less happy. I think all of my siblings like living in a larger family, but none of us had to parent each other.

In one of 6 and my DH is one of 9 and we are both close to our siblings. Had happy childhoods. But that was Ireland in the past, and not to be recommended I think. It was very hard on my mother in law I think. Up to 4 strikes me as a good number though.

In the UK?

They'd only balance that decline with immigration, don't be so naive.

My brother got four children with big age gaps and older ones are forced to parent younger ones as parents are too busy with work, studies, etc. Its been extremely unfair on older children. But they literally have no choice.

It's a bit weird having lots of children in this day and age. As there is such a huge population of humans - 8 billion now - I can't see the need. The parents cannot POSSIBLY give each child their full attention when they have 6 or more children. Also, I do wonder if people would have so many if they had zero help from welfare benefits? Not even child benefit...

1 is fine, 2 is plenty, 3 is the most anyone needs IMO. It would do the planet the world of good if 50% of humans didn't reproduce at all for 10 years. Also, whilst children are wonderful, and SOMEone needs to have them to keep the human race going, it is hard work raising them - and expensive. And even when they're grown they cause you heartache and stress!

I know a woman right now with a 36 y.o. daughter who has just moved back 'home' for the third time. (First left at 28!) She gave up her job and her flat - as all the responsibility was 'stressing her out.' She hasn't kept a job for more than 6 months, she's had 13 jobs since she left school, and has spent more than 50% of the past 17 years unemployed. Her mother enables her too. (This 36 y.o. woman has had a couple of boyfriends, one for 1 year, and one for 2 years, but never lived with any of them!)

I'd lose my shit if either of mine behaved like this. Her other daughter (age 30) has had 2 children with different men, and lives at 'home' too. With the 2 children. Had 7 different jobs between 17 and 23, and has just not worked since she had her first child. All living off the parents!

YANBU @User788889 Fortunately however, not that many people have lots of children these days, and more people than ever before are choosing to remain child-free.

Yeah, don't have a third child if you don't want to. Each to their own

I also have no confidence. I don’t know if that’s from never feeling heard or listened to. My therapist says it is.

This tends to be said about everything on Mumsnet, but I think the experience of growing up in a big family is influenced hugely by the financial position of the family. I grew up in a large family (5 kids) and our parents were well off so we had our own rooms, a mother who was around a lot and very supportive and still got to go on nice holidays, take part in activities etc. We had a very happy childhood and are still close.

My best friend growing up had 3 siblings but money was tight and it was all quite hard. I suspect that this is the case in a lot of larger families where everything is stretched too thin and the parents are exhausted. If you can afford a larger family easily and have the emotional capacity for it it can be wonderful. Otherwise smaller is probably better.

Yeah, I know. I'm not at all naïve but I wish someone would come up with a plan that involved living differently. Not euthanasia or working till we drop. I'm not an economist though.

Conversely I know plenty of people in large families who are very confident.
You've confused your focus. You're blaming your LARGE family for your issue. You should be looking at YOUR large family.

Most people who are great parents to one kid would be great to 5. Most who would be shit with one kid would be shit with 5. The vast majority just muddle along, doing their best. Of course, few people are going to be amazing attentive parents to 12, but whatever led them to have 12 is probably a factor that wouldn't be fixed with less children....

That's your parents though, not the size of your family. I'm one of two and was never heard or listened to, feelings always denied and dismissed. I've made sure to be very different with my family (which is bigger than two children) because I know how hurtful it is.

I absolutely think that, given the money, the right personality and good health, that raising five children well would be absolutely doable and not beyond the capabilities of committed parents.

I'm not beyond judging people - I do. But I think it's incredibly myopic and self congratulating to assume that people must be doing things badly because you cannot achieve those things yourself.

I am from a very large family and I loved it. I don't think it's fair to say all people who choose to have lots kids are selfish. I'm sorry you didn't enjoy your upbringing though.

It depends on how large the family is. My dad was one of 8 and is 12 years older than his younger brother. He admits as kids they had no relationship but they order ones, including his sister's didn't care for the young ones, they all worked on my granddad's farm. So I don't know if that's better or worse.
I'm one of 4 and we never had to beg for our parents attention. They were really good at tag teaming on weekends and we all had a good relationship growing up and still do now (it's actually a bit strained at the moment due to family pressure but generally is good)
But then one of my friends is an only child she was lonely and bored growing up and always in childcare or after school club because her parents worked crazy hours. So a child can be lonely and lacking in parents attention no matter what size the family is.
All that said if you don't want a third child that's good enough reason not to have one. You don't need to justify your choice.

I couldn't agree more. Older kids become defacto parents. Not fair on them or younger kids.

I am one of four, and am very close to two of my brothers both as a child and as adult. My mother was never hands on, however I think that would have been the case even if she had the one child.

That said, my lovely dad, bless him always made time for us kids in the holidays and weekends and he had a good job so in no way were we deprived, in fact we probably had more wealth than most of the kids whom I went to school with. If it wasnt for my dad, my opinion and experience of my childhood would be very different. My only issue is that I was the only girl and unfourtantely I always tagged along with what my brothers wanted to do.

I only have the one child, however my childhood no way factored into that decision.

Condoms were around long before the pill.

My friend is one of 9, and would agree with you. She’s the eldest, which made it even harder. She’s still very bitter about it.

I don’t think you can compare 9 or 10 to 3, 4 or even 5, though

I cannot fathom how anyone can give the necessary time and attention to more than 2+ kids - but that’s not to say some aren’t doing exactly that - just I’m not built for it. I am wondering how I will manage to properly “read” and do homework with both kids when the second one starts school. ATM we read together and I find time for the eldest to practice his reading, then spellings. I work too so I go from work to kids to work. It’s exhausting.

My DH is from a family of 5 children and they are all a bit emotionally stunted - every marriage (bar ours) has ended in divorce which makes me wonder if there’s something in them being taught “stiff upper lip” and never having formed proper relationships, I can’t imagine there is time to properly reflect on the day when you’ve got 5 kids to manage. Although their Mother did used to hit/smack them etc which she would flat out deny now but DH remembers very clearly - so she clearly didn’t have the control she professes to with her hazy memory.

Other families seem to be more functional - I met someone with strong religious views who felt big families were more functional because the siblings all looked after one another and formed a little sub community. But that’s entirely reliant on the siblings not spurring off and making their friends their priorities which some would think is a selfish expectation.

So I’m not sure. I also imagine that in families where there’s multi generational living it’s much easier as there’s more adult support at anyone time. I could manage more kids if I didn’t work and also need to do household chores/cooking/packed lunches all that jazz whilst caring for kids.

Speak for yourself. Literally illegal where I live until 1985.

I completely agree. I'm one of 9 and my mother clearly stated several times as I was growing up that she just loved babies.

I'm not at all close to any of my siblings, especially the younger ones. I was second born and there is a large age gap, 22 years between eldest and youngest.

It of course meant we grew up with very little/no money, no one-on-one time and no real support or guidance. And of course, my teenage years were spent babysitting and helping look after my younger siblings. I moved out at 17 and have a very poor/almost non-existent relationship with both my parents and siblings.

My DH is one of 5 so not quite as big - but that strikes me with his family. They have such a superficial relationship, no feelings are ever discussed, not upset or disappointment. Practical and logistical challenges yes - but not emotional support. I chat to my parents all the time and they do to me aswell about life and our experiences - but DH and his parents follow a script, work, finances, the weather.

Yes. In the UK.