For thinking having lots of kids is selfish

[User788889]

So DH said he wouldn’t mind a third child. I won’t even consider it; as much as I love my two angels I don’t think I could handle another one. In no way am I saying 3 kids is a lot by the way. I was one of ten and as a child I received no attention, felt very lonely in a house full of people, and Im not really close to any of my siblings in my adult years. I spent a lot of my teen years raising babies and not getting time to be a child myself. I think this is extremely selfish. I just know I won’t be able to split my time between 3 kids and I highly doubt anyone can past 5+ children.

Im sorry if this comes across as rude. I don’t like judging other parents but I know firsthand how detrimental it is for a child to have to constantly beg their parents for attention. I was always overshadowed by a new and shiny baby, it’s not fair. And parentifying kids should actually be classified as abuse. I feel like that is a given in big families even if they say they don’t or won’t do it.

If you can afford it and provide what they need then it’s a great thing. It shouldn’t be a lifestyle choice supported by the state.

Pretty unusual, agreed. I only ask since some American families seem to be very large.

Yes, I understand my family is unique and it’s not a one size fits situation. I am happy to hear not everyone with a big family views this as a negative.

So far no one has convinced me it’s not inherently selfish. Yes the act of having kids is selfish I don’t believe 1 or 2 siblings is bad if you can look after them all. Siblings can be a god send and prevent loneliness for kids if they all get equal love and attention.

If anyone with a large family wants to tackle this, be my guest: why did you have more kids past 5 when you already had a big family? And if the answer is so your kids have more siblings, why didn’t you adopt? There are millions of kids that need fostering?

I will be going down the foster parent route when my kids are older. They would be a nightmare to a teen and I wouldn’t want to parentify that child.

It is though. I wondered why I had to go uni or move out. I didn’t realise it’s because they were still getting child benefit from me. While I was also paying rent.

Also notice how families with 4+ kids are seem as huge now. A family at school has 5 kids and they are definitely judged for it.

Having children in general is pretty bloody selfish. I'm not sure I'm convinced that having four is worse than one, really.

But doing that by decreasing the amount of young people really destabilises the economy, making a worse life for everyone.

I'm one of six and I love being from a big family. It was difficult when I was young though. 4 of us had to share a bedroom and I was a middle child so I didn't get alot of attention. I really appreciate my siblings now though and we are all close.

I never notice. I think it’s quite common for families from different countries to be large. A lot of them come to the UK for a better life. See quite a lot of them imo.

We’re a little village school.

We have 3, I wouldn't want any more. DH was one of 4, and had a very happy childhood...it is nice to be part of a bigger family now. I am one of 2, and it feels quiet now we are adults.

Someone I know just had their 6th, which blew my tiny mind.

It really doesn't matter why anyone had the kids they did. In the end, it's because we want them, be it one or ten kids, in general. Having children at all is selfish. We do it for our own wants. You don't think you can handle more than two, so don't have more than two. The only mistake is projecting that capability, and your own experiences, on other people.

I have a larger family. One reason was probably because I thought being one of two was awful. That doesn't mean everyone should or should want to. I had the capacity to do so and have given my children more than I ever got.

I did look into adoption. That's not so easy. I would only have adopted younger children than my youngest, as I think that is better for my children to not disrupt the birth order. There aren't many babies for adoption.

I have done foster care and taken in other children. Details not relevant. That came after my own children were all here though.

None of my children have been parentified. They are my children I chose to have. Older ones have to be able to do normal things with their lives.

There's so many variables with this though isn't there.

I have a colleague who was just born to be a mum (she's also very good at her job). Between her own and SDs, she's regularly managing 5 kids. And doing so much better, with far more individual attention for each child, than I ever managed with my two!

I've also seen parents of single children who routinely ignore them.

My mother would agree as just one of four. As the youngest, it was commonplace for all her clothes to be hand me downs full of holes and they were usually boys' clothes and shoes. She is very resentful towards my grandmother still because of the embarrassment she recalls so vividly due to always being scruffy, even on the first day of term at school. She also doesn't remember ever being kissed goodnight or even hugged full stop.

I think there is (quite literally) a very big difference between having 3 children and having 10.

However you don’t have to want to have a third child and it is completely understandable that your own upbringing has influenced your life choices and desires.

I worked with someone who was the eldest of 13. They were late 30’s at the time, their youngest sibling was mid teens. Not really sure what they thought of it, we weren’t close enough to speak about it. I did find it a bit mind blowing that someone born in the 80’s was one of so many. I suppose very big families like that make me think “pre war, pre contraception” and even then, wouldn’t have been the norm.

Fair enough.

YANBU my mum admits that she had four kids so that the older ones could look after the younger ones, which is what happened. There are exceptions but generally growing up in a big family consists of having to do lots of chores and babysitting, hardly ever going anywhere because of money and wearing hand me down clothes. My parents also liked being “different” by having a big family. Neither of them particularly likes children or playing with them.

Op I'm sorry you had a bad experience as a child. Ten children is a lot and it must have been very hard.
Not to minimise your experience but as others have said bad parenting does come in different shapes and sizes of family. I'm an only and my childhood wasn't great.

I have 6 dc. They are aged from 31 to 10.
I hope they have enjoyed their childhood.
In my head I have some very strict rules about what I need to make sure happens/ doesn't happen.
Eg one on one time, sitting down as a family every night to eat, taking to them individually about their days.

The main thing that enables me to do this is I was able to give up work. We are financially secure and I have the time for them all. We go on holiday, they all do clubs and sport and the they can all do the school trips they want.

I agree OP, no one needs more than 2 kids - and those two kids will replace their two parents when they die. Not sure why you'd need 2.1 kids to replace 2 parents?

The world is already hugely over populated, we need a population decline - how many new houses are having to be built and green spaces destroyed to provide them? A huge town has been built on what used to be beautiful farmland near me, it's just horrible.

I know we needed younger people to pay the pensions of older people but that doesn't seem to be working out either - the pension age is getting older and older anyway and there are huge numbers of people that just don't seem to be interested in working and are just costing the system more rather than helping to keep it going.

5th of 5 children here. My siblings are so important to me and have been all my life.We spend as much time together as we can.
When we were younger, the age difference mattered, and we mostly hung out with our own friends but there was always someone around at home for fun. We all did loads of activities- sport, music, drama. It helped that both parents were teachers so finished work relatively early to ferry us around (or we walked) and had long summer holidays where we'd drive around Europe in a camper van.
We all helped out round the house. I remember having to stand on a step to reach the draining board so I could dry the dishes. We set the kitchen on fire (twice) but that was while my mum was in hospital. But no one was abused by having to parent anyone else.
You can be miserable and lonely being an only child, or being one of two children or being one of 10. That doesn't mean it's like that for everyone.

I think the size of family is a very personal decision. I had three young children when I found myself unexpectedly pregnant with twins - so I have five. I didn’t plan it; I would never have contemplated not continuing with a pregnancy (and it wasn’t an easy pregnancy, either) but once the babies arrive, you love them. I’m one of five, and I certainly wouldn’t be without my sisters. As a child, I never thought anything of it - it was just how it was.

OP, my grandmother was one of 13 and she would have absolutely agreed with you. Most of her siblings had 1 or 2 children of their own because they did not enjoy growing up in such a crowded home. My grandmother would always tell me not to have lots of children. She said there was no privacy at home. She was close to the siblings that were around her age, though for their whole lives. My grandmothers father died when she was 4, her mum had to go back to work aged 46 and my grandmothers 18 year old sister was asked to quit her job and stay at home to look after her younger siblings (that sister had no children by choice, always said that she had already raised children). My grandmother had 1 child herself but in contrast to my grandmothers childhood, my mum always said that hers was lonely so she had 2 children. I have 2.

@farmlife2 I agree - having kids is inherently selfish. We do it to satisfy a biological urge. I have kids and have thought this before.

I think the important thing is you have the amount of children you have the emotional and financial capacity for. There's no hard and fast rule of what number of children make the perfect or happy family. Some people love being from bigger families, some hate it and equally the same from those from smaller families. Everyone's situation is unique.

I know I couldn't handle a big family yet I have a friend who has four kids and handles it like a walk in the park! My husband has one sibling and they are very close. I have two siblings (one a twin!), neither of whom I speak to and I have no desire for any more siblings or feel I'm missing out on anything.

I don’t really understand that logic though because if she didn’t have the younger ones nobody would have needed looking after. The older ones could have looked after themselves.