To think poorly of the OW in this situation?

[Itsnotpink]

3 years ago my children’s dad left after having an affair with another women. They were working away on a job together. The women knew full well he had two young children. One in nursery and one in primary. For months they snuck around acting like love sick teenagers. Going out to dinner, renting holiday homes. All the time ex partner was calling home and lying to me and the kids FaceTiming us. Constantly telling us how busy he was and how stressful work was:

They continue to see each other but live in different countries. Time with our kids is limited with their dad as it is but he seems to find time to holiday and see this women. He will go months without seeing our children.

I still feel raged occasionally about it. I had children with someone who is totally checked out of every physical and mental aspect or parenting. Unless it suits him occasionally. But somehow this women and him think he is a fantastic dad because he pays maintenance?! do women really find guys like this a catch. I sadly had no one to gage him against. But this women knows he is a cheat, a liar and puts himself before his kids. It’s a total mystery to me!!!

Well, yes, obviously I'm "still talking to you" as you're still talking to me, so I'm responding. It's called conversation.

The thing about that though is that she believes it is your fault that he cheats on you and lies to you because he has convinced her that you are toxic and abusive. She thinks it will be different for her because their relationship is different. She doesn't see him as a liar and a cheat. He's just someone who was forced to lie and cheat because of you.

Oh there is no doubt after kids he was a terrible parent. Always working away. Couldn’t cope with lack of time to himself when he was home. I was completely alone in parenthood. He would constantly apologise and talk about how he wanted to be around more and would change his job.

He spun a story and made promises and played on emotions, and you wanted to believe he was sincere and his behavior would change because it was really just caused by bad circumstances and...

Yep. And that's where his new partner is at right now. It can seem so plain from the outside can't it?

As I’ve said repeatedly his behaviour and the way he treated me is awful. I haven’t said at all he is not to blame or defended him:

I’m just simply also saying that these women don’t exactly help the situation. Why would you even go there knowing a man has a partner and kids at home. Let alone start a relationship!

Spot on. The only difference is he didn’t have a wife and kids when I knew him. I wouldn’t blindly trust a proven liar. She has that knowledge.

Really? I’ve never heard anyone use that expression about themselves in real life, thank goodness. You’ve met a lot of OW through work?

How odd.

Lots of misogyny on this thread, as usual. The homewrecker here was this pathetic excuse for a husband and father, surely?

But he's their liar and cheat and they think they will make him a better person because he'll love and respect them to much to treat them like that🤮

I always find these threads interesting as you can always see which members have clearly been the OW themselves/ trying to justify their own behaviour in passive aggressive ways. It’s very sad and transparent.

It’s not quite as cut and dried though, is it? He should just have been allowed to marry the woman he loved to begin with. The whole monarchy is fucked.

You are well out if it in that case. Some men (and women no doubt) are simply serial adulterers, they are likely funny, charming people and the other women who fall in love/lust with them probably fall in love/lust with them for all the same reasons as their spouse did. You know they don't say "love is a drug" for no reason, it's addictive and makes people crazy and probably will forever more. When cheats are uncovered not only are the spouses shocked but often all the people they have had affairs with along the way are shocked that this funny, charming man had so many affairs! Don't waste your time being bitter about your man or his new gf, concentrate on making a good and happy life for you and your kids.

I just don’t understand how a woman could do that to another woman. It’s something a psychopath would do.

@Itsnotpink - I had the same, several harassing emails from the OW calling me a narcissist, a leach(my business was supporting him at the time), ugly, frumpy and much worse. She even had the cheek to write once she realised we were still together (not leading separate lives as she claimed he'd initially made out) and before I knew of affair, that he'd fantasised about her tight fanny whilst making love with me. They were the words of an insecure nut job who was trying to bag her man, 'her soulmate' which incidentally she never did.

Please don't preoccupy yourself with thoughts of either of them. The best revenge is a life well lived. Please seek some help with juggling kids/ full time work/ home etc and make a life for yourself and move on. You deserve so much more.

again, why "woman"?

If a man does this to another man, it's ok?

Men and women divorced just the same when they meet someone else.

It took me too many years to realise that some people just lack compassion and empathy for others. I've never understood the 'they owe you nothing' argument. Affairs cause so much trauma and I can't ever imagine causing others that kind of pain and just be ok with it. That goes for both of them.

I honestly think that most of the time, people that act like this, are lacking something, or seeking self esteem or validation by seeking to be desired by married people. She's not going going to care about you or your children as that's just her nature unfortunately.

I wouldn't waste another second thinking about either of them. He's a terrible father and will one day regret letting his children down (If he has anything at all about him). Let it go and move on safe in the knowledge that you are a better person.

I can never understand the women who defend OW by saying “it wasn’t her who broke their marriage vows”. A woman who knowingly sleeps with a man in a relationship is a piece of shit. She has no morals and no humanity. End of story.

how I see it is, the other woman was also complicit in lying to me. I may not have known her but she knew I existed. Knew all about our children and my life and yet she never called my husband out on his behaviour. She encouraged him to sneak around, spending our family’s money on air BnBs and dinners out. How is that not utterly deceptive and vile?

How can anybody enjoy themselves knowing they will cause others pain and trauma? Anyone with a brain cell would be questioning why he wasn’t with his kids for months. Even if you’ve never had a child, it’s common sense.

Why "woman"? Because we're talking about women in this case. Where are people saying if a man does this to another man, it's ok? We're not. It is still shitty. Obviously.

He is a serial cheat and liar who has lied about you to her (toxic relationship, narcissist etc).

I guarantee you he didn't suddenly start lying in order to cheat. He lied to you at the beginning of your relationship to make you think he was a good and decent person, and you believed it.

Being taken in by a liar isn't a weakness or a character flaw. I suspect this is the root of the misdirection of your anger.

Of course it's not ok if a man does this to another man it's exactly the same - no morals at all. It just so happens this OP is a woman and quite within her rights to vent not only about her piss poor ex husband but the woman who knowingly broke up her marriage.

She a selfish slut - that’s how she enjoys herself at the expense of breaking up a family and traumatising children.

Any decent woman would put a family above their need for cock and compliments.

Women are not the gatekeepers of your relationship, OP. Your husband had that role. He continued to cheat. He had absolute control of himself and his behaviour and should have had respect for his family, that was his privilege and his job.

I know you've said that you've had excellent counselling but something seems to have sparked this off for you and your ire is totally directed at the irrelevant party. You can be angry at her of course, but to what end? Your ex has treated you appallingly yet your focus is on someone who is nothing to you.

I can understand your pain but I can't see that lapping up trite and meaningless platitudes like 'marry a mistress/vacancy' and similar nonsensical trope will help. I cringe every time I read it. It rings false because it is and once this thread is finished those posters are off to the next one but where will you be?

Anyone who puts their partner through hell like that must have a serious personality disorder.
That is the partner and the affair partner.

Me too. Men and women. Don't want snakes in my camp.

But it’s not solely at the wrong party. I honestly think ex partner is an awful human being. But I think very low of this women. Not a role model I want around my children. Because treating people (even strangers) so poorly is not something I’m ok with.

I had children with someone who is totally checked out of every physical and mental aspect or parenting.

Had it too OP, including financial.

Just pick yourself up, stop giving him head-space and be the best mum you can to your kids.

They'll know who the real parent is as they get older.