To think poorly of the OW in this situation?

[Itsnotpink]

3 years ago my children’s dad left after having an affair with another women. They were working away on a job together. The women knew full well he had two young children. One in nursery and one in primary. For months they snuck around acting like love sick teenagers. Going out to dinner, renting holiday homes. All the time ex partner was calling home and lying to me and the kids FaceTiming us. Constantly telling us how busy he was and how stressful work was:

They continue to see each other but live in different countries. Time with our kids is limited with their dad as it is but he seems to find time to holiday and see this women. He will go months without seeing our children.

I still feel raged occasionally about it. I had children with someone who is totally checked out of every physical and mental aspect or parenting. Unless it suits him occasionally. But somehow this women and him think he is a fantastic dad because he pays maintenance?! do women really find guys like this a catch. I sadly had no one to gage him against. But this women knows he is a cheat, a liar and puts himself before his kids. It’s a total mystery to me!!!

If only your ex thought the same, he is the one with the wife and children. Totally disagree with affairs and people that have them but I also disagree with questioning the OW as though she is worse than the DH. They are both as bad as each other but he was the one with the responsibilities

Well i wouldn't kidnap my children but in my case, no i will do what I can for my childrne to have nothing to do with her. Not just because she's the ow but in addition to this there are reasons why I wouldn't want her aroune my children
As their mum it's my job to protect them not just physically but emotionally too.

@BreezyScroller good point! The kings a cheater too! His ex wife was bumped off and his brother's a paedo.
Thanks for making it click!! 🤨

I’m really sorry to hear this. It’s hurtful, and horrible.

From this it certainly sounds like you’re better off without him - but it still takes time to process and grieve. And you’ll feel okay one day and then a few weeks later there will be another bump in the road and you’ll be angry or upset again. But one word of experience if you’ll accept it - ty not to let it consume you. Try and heal. I know too many people who, 20 years after the initial affair, they’re still bitter and angry about it and it warps their entire life.

Make it an aim to heal to the point where you feel indifferent about him - that’s the true opposite of love. This will mean he hasn’t ruined your life. The kids will grow up and it would be nice to think you can have another healthy loving relationship, if that’s what you want in the future.

Id love to get to the meh feeling of my stbxh..I hate that I'm wasting brain time on him and what he's done to us

It took me more than one course of therapy. I could feel fine for a month and then the bitterness crept back in and I had to make a real effort. What triggered it was sitting next to a woman from work at a team meal. Three glasses of wine later and she was spewing venom about her shit of an ex and the OW. He’d split from her 35 years previously. It was like car crash tv and I just knew I didn’t want end up like her.

Would you believe it I know meet up for coffee cakes and chats about our grown up kids - ans do you know what? We get along better now than we ever did when we were married. We made lovely kids together and it’s nice at family gatherings as there’s no hostility. And that’s just what we were aiming for. But it wasn’t easy to do.

It’s a horrible feeling to be betrayed, and it’s painful.

edited for odd typos

Won't anyone think of the poor married men, unable to resist harlots throwing themselves at them. Let's forget such men actively pursue single women because "not my husband" and instead stone the loose women because it must be their fault.

Far easier to blame the affair partner than say "what's gone wrong in my marriage that has made my partner either actively look for or be susceptible to the temptations of a new sexual conquest". God damn those sexy single childless young women when we're worn down by child bearing and rearing and the general drudge of domesticity. The only person lacking a moral compass is the weak willed feckless husband who has lost all respect or regard for his wife and children. Women make their own choices. And so do men. The narrative that blames the other woman is precisely that which ties little boys to apron strings and gives men the extra roast potato. Poor men, let's not blame them for shagging the babysitter/co-worker/mate's daughter, everyone knows those women are no better than they ought to be and the poor husband couldn't help himself because 'men'. I fucking despair reading this shit. When do we hold men accountable for their actions? Why is that so fucking hard to do?

All these women with higher moral standards who'd never look at another man married to men who couldn't give a shiny shit about wedding vows if they have half a sniff of a shag with Susan in marketing.

Direct your ire at the person that let YOU down, the one that made actual promises to YOU. Because as far as he's concerned Susan in marketing could be Betty in accounts or Bob from two doors down's daughter Janice. Anyone but YOU.

@Maestoso
"Far easier to blame the affair partner than say "what's gone wrong in my marriage that has made my partner either actively look for or be susceptible to the temptations of a new sexual conquest".

Wow, sounds like you're holding the poor wife responsible for her husband's cheating lying behaviour.

The narrative that absolves Susan in marketing or any other woman he sets his sights on, from any responsibility at all for knowingly shagging a married man who then leaves his wife and family is abhorrent.

You bang on about men being 100% responsible, Women have a voice and can say no....that is of course if they have any morals.

'Far easier to blame the affair partner than say "what's gone wrong in my marriage that has made my partner either actively look for or be susceptible to the temptations of a new sexual conquest".'

What a load of victim blaming nonsense.

@Maestoso the old “unmet needs” trope? It’s about as useful and accurate as the much discussed “script”. Both are a load of responsibility avoiding bullshit, perfect for affair apologists everywhere.

Not at all. I've clearly blamed, if you read the rest of my post, the person looking outside the marriage. More so than many people on this thread.

Absolutely.

I do think the fault lies primarily with the EXP /EXH as he is the one who made vows to you / had kids / built a family life with you .

The OW is however not totally without blame, as at some point she would have known the truth .
People are complex and there are multiple reasons why the OW would get involved ;
He maybe lied / misled her initially and then she fell for him . Their love is " true ".

She genuinely couldn't care about you/ your kids and is looking after her own self interests .

Even if she is a mother herself , and your ex is neglecting / not prioritising his own kids it may suit her as there are less demands on his time and he is prioritising her / her children .

She gets to see the shiny version of your ex , unencumbered largely from childcare .

You are cast as the mad ex , who doesn't understand him / didn't appreciate him and you aren't rational.

She may be lacking in self esteem / limited experience of relationships and just be grateful for any crumbs your ex drops her way as he is giving her attention .

She may just find it exciting and an ego boost . She has won , as he chose her over you .

Multiple reasons and not all relationships that start this way will flounder , but the odds aren't good .

I just am so sad that so many men in this situation are complete moral cowards . They don't come and say , this ( relationship ) isn't working for me , what can we do to fix it or if it can't be fixed to separate in an amicable way and above all do it in a way that is best for the kids ? I do appreciate that any separation will be hard for the kids . However by cheating , lying and deceiving they are traumatising their existing partner / wife and generally leaving them to deal with the bulk of the childcare when they ( the wife ) are reeling from the shock of either finding out about an affair or receiving that bombshell from their partner ( who has probably been given an ultimatum by the OW ) . That is far from ideal for the wife and the children and puts such a strain on any co - parenting .

But sadly , the man in this situation is only interested in his own needs and wants and not what is best for the kids.

The cheating partner is 100% reponsible for his actions. Women blaming the other woman is such a gift to men. And then the name calling that goes with it, as if women don't get enough of that from men. We play straight in to their hands.

I agree the fault is completely the married one having the affair. But a decent person wouldn’t do something like that to another person. So while they aren’t to blame they are a terrible person.

So many women end up struggling to feed kids after their partner destroys any self esteem and leaves them to live below the poverty line while he has a couple more kids. The mum gets to smile and be polite to the woman helped ruin her marriage as she sends her children off to stay with her. The older kids have patched shoes while dad takes the new family to Disney land.

If public stoning was a thing for people who did this (both the people that have the affair) I would throw the first stone.

I don’t “play” into anyone’s hands thank you. I paddle my own canoe and I absolutely do not shit on other people, man or woman.
And as a woman, I am perfectly capable of taking responsibility for my own actions. Having a vagina hasn’t removed that ability. Therefore, I wouldn’t shag a married person, man or woman. I don’t give one single shiny shite if he or she said “she doesn’t understand me” or “we don’t have sex” or any other bollocks that married shaggers come out with. My behaviour is ON ME. No one else. It isn’t rocket science, no matter how many excuses you want to make. I give no “gift” to men because I don’t go near the ones who are married. My choice. Perhaps I should consider that my “gift” to myself?

I would add to that it should be compulsory for the parent who is leaving/not the main carer for the children to pay an appropriate and ubstantial amount of money by way of maintenance - it seems rediculous, morrally bankrupt and preposterous to me that the parent left behind caring for the children following a breakup should also have to take full financial responsibility for the children

I think the crux of it all is when you are cheated on whatever your circumstances are, you go through a huge roller coaster of emotions. You blame yourself, you blame your partner, you blame the AP, you blame your situation, you analyze everything. That is entirely normal and it is OK to do, whats more this is a great place to do it.

People tell you to not to blame something or other, just move on but to process your breakup yo need to go through this horrible raft of emotions in order to come out the other side.

Your brain is working out what is going on with your situation, how you will cope in the future and so on and so forth. You struggle but you need to, it's a new situation you need to get used to, change can be bloody difficult especially when it is forced on you. People often really resent change in any circumstance but when you didn't choose this life, it feels impossible and deeply unfair. We know life isn't fair but it doesn't stop you feeling hard done by. Two people who aren't you made a choice that makes your life and those of your DC if they are involved, more difficult. Those two people took away your personal agency, you have lost some control over your life. That is hard to forgive and forget in a click of your fingers. You have to navigate all those feelings of anger, fear, loss of control, grief, and shame, it is overwhelming.

It is often better to feel the full pain of the emotions as they come and not surpress them unless you have to. Stiff upper lip in the usual circumstances of course, other people, wider family etc are often affected by a marriage breakup too. It's not just two people it affects, it can even affect your workplace depending on the circumstances surrounding it.

Please don't tell the OP to not feel agrieved that the man she loved has found a willing AP. It's perfectly OK and natural to find them both reprehensible. The AP doesn't bear the full responsibility but nor has the OP said she does, however the AP does bear some responsibility, she made a choice to fuck a partnered man and she knew about his wife and children. If APs didn't exist in such numbers partnered cheaters would have to face their issues on a personal basis and or within their relationships. Instead he gets to bury his head in the sand because an AP has made a choice to enable him to cheat with her.

The technical details of who is right or wrong doesn't matter, what matters is yet another family is going through a terrible time thanks to two selfish people who both had choices and full agency. The OP needs to process that and she has asked for help and support to do that.

I hope OP that you have found support here.

I hate the phrase " she owes you notjing." Er...yes she does. She owes not fucking a taken man and an apology at the very least.

Nothing*

Also, I know people on here don't believe in the sisterhood but these affairs really sort the wheat from the chaff when it comes to who I would trust as a friend
These women probably don't have female friends anyway.

Fantastic post, thank you
Am really going through this at the moment, the bit where he & AP have made a new life together, including another child and are living a great affluent life
Meanwhile I am struggling with 2 kids, one with special needs, with zero family support while he has lots AND our mutual friends have stuck by him I suppose because he is financially successful

I don’t know how to come to terms with it! I am trying to rebuild life but it’s easier said than done!

This.

This is why I ended a friendship with someone who completely fucked up another woman’s life.

Convenient to ignore that in many of these situations, the OW is a sister, friend, work colleague....of the wife?

Sure, the person who made the vows needs to take responsibility. But OW frequently are a presence in the wife's life. And even when they're not, knowingly getting with a married man is never good, moral behaviour. And let's not forget the women who are happy to have existing children kept at arms length and who actively encourage the non payments of maintenance.

You won't engage with literally any of the questions I asked you to help flesh out your perspective, which is "If someone wants something, they can absolutely take it it from you if they don't know you, and that's fine", and I can only assume it is because your point is weak and easily dismantled. Are you still standing behind it?

The whole "But a husband isn't a THING!" is pointless semantics. Everyone in the world refers to their husband or wives as THEIR husband or wife. Every child in the world refers to their mum and dad as THEIRS. If someone came along, said "I want that husband for myself" and then behaved in a way that actively tried to encourage the husband to leave their wife for them, what behaviour exactly would you call it? I'm genuinely asking, please tell me how 'please don't take my man' could be said in a better way?

I made the point about the cat because a pet isn't a 'thing' either. It's a living being. It's still possible to steal a pet, isn't it? It's still a shitty thing to do, and absolutely causes heartbreak for the family who have lost a someone they consider a family member. Even if the cat goes willingly!

Of course, I am not directly comparing a cat to a husband. I'm comparing the morals of someone who knowingly causes harm to another, because they want something/someone that someone else is emotionally attached to and/or physically relies upon.

If you don't have children and want them, I apologise for what I said. I imagine once you understand the abhorrent behaviour of another woman happily destroying their stability and future prospects for their own happiness, maybe you'll understand why these people are looked down upon.

God I can't imagine ever being friendly with him
At best ill be civil but I can't see how I'd get over the way he treated me.