To think poorly of the OW in this situation?

[Itsnotpink]

3 years ago my children’s dad left after having an affair with another women. They were working away on a job together. The women knew full well he had two young children. One in nursery and one in primary. For months they snuck around acting like love sick teenagers. Going out to dinner, renting holiday homes. All the time ex partner was calling home and lying to me and the kids FaceTiming us. Constantly telling us how busy he was and how stressful work was:

They continue to see each other but live in different countries. Time with our kids is limited with their dad as it is but he seems to find time to holiday and see this women. He will go months without seeing our children.

I still feel raged occasionally about it. I had children with someone who is totally checked out of every physical and mental aspect or parenting. Unless it suits him occasionally. But somehow this women and him think he is a fantastic dad because he pays maintenance?! do women really find guys like this a catch. I sadly had no one to gage him against. But this women knows he is a cheat, a liar and puts himself before his kids. It’s a total mystery to me!!!

I'm astounded by you saying why should anyone care about a complete stranger? Really? Because it is called decency. Get some!

But she doesn’t have any responsibilities to anyone in this situation. So many people on here fail to make cheating the man’s responsibility. He got married, he had kids, he cheated. It isn’t her problem. She doesn’t care and why should she, she met someone she fancied, he fancied her back, he cheated, they’re still together. She shouldn’t be held to some moral account for her actions. The responsibility is not on her to say no, it’s on him not to cheat. Goodness knows what he’s told her about his marriage and you (it won’t be true) but you can guarantee it would have been about how unhappy he was in his loveless marriage. Even if she had said no the next one might not have and so on. He’s the cheat.

He is the cheat. But I think when young children are particularly involved you do have some compassion for people. I certainly care enough for strangers and mums I don’t know that I wouldn’t sleep with these men!

The pair of them are lowlifes, it's all there is to it.

@Itsnotpink completely agree but it's self respect and integrity too isn't it. Some people are lacking that. Don't get me wrong, it's possible to be very attracted to someone that's attached and with young kids but it just makes sense to
remove yourself from that situation

As for moving on. Of course I’m getting on with my life. But I don’t have the same freedom he does. I never have time to go out or do anything because he left it all to me! So yes I do think about it particularly when I’m feeling overwhelmed. Today I feel angry that I am juggling work and all the childcare and feel like I might break from exhaustion. Meanwhile he is travelling around for his “work” having days off, eating out and living the life of someone with no responsibilities. Him and his gf are hardly knocking at door asking to have the kids!

If the other woman had stayed away perhaps the husband might have worked through his feelings/problems and stayed. As the OW got involved the upshot is two kids now barely have a father. In the wider picture, that is not good for society, never mind the kids. If OW aren't prepared to get involved with married men perhaps more marriages will survive and perhaps more kids won't grow up in broken homes.

You don't get involved with attached men. Where on earth are people's morals? How can someone grow up with no respect, decency towards others? Vile behaviour to excuse it. And, no, I'm not excusing the man at all.

Yep let's behave in any way we wish to get whatever we want, as we don't owe anyone anything.

What makes you think she thinks he's a 'great dad because he pays maintenance'?

Realistically, it's more likely she doesn't care what kind of dad he is since she doesn't have children with him. As sad as it is, his commitment (or lack of) to being a father doesn't impact her currently, and until it does I doubt she gives it much of a thought. Especially as neither of them see your children often.

He'll have been lying through his teeth to her OP, giving it the old "she's not slept with me for 4 years, is unhinged, I stay for the children" etc.

He's a twat and she's an idiot.

I never said they were a different species, but they're definitely not our best and brightest members, and I stand by my statement that they are each and every one of them lacking in some way, or they'd hold themselves to a higher standard. Many of us manage to exercise some self-control.

Whenever someone jumps to defend 'these' men and women, I always wonder why. 🤔

I'm amazed that so many people think it's ok to have an affair with a married man. Yes the man made the vows, but the OW is knowingly taking an action that will cause great distress to his family, including his children. I have seen children's childhoods ruined by their father leaving for the OW. Of course, the man has the main responsibility to his children, but frankly everyone has a responsibility in society to do the right thing by other people. You wouldn't be randomly cruel to a child on the basis you felt like it and that child wasn't yours so isn't your problem!

No one said anything about them being a different species, just that there’s something wrong with them to knowingly involve themselves in a relationship with a married man/father without the wife’s knowledge or consent. It’s despicable behaviour. Not sure what the “Queen of England” has to do with this post but she falls into the same category.

We all have a responsibility to be decent human beings for the sake of society. I'm really shocked at the attitudes that no one owes anyone anything. What empty people, heartless and soulless.

oh,I get what you’re saying you have the day to day responsibilities and no business lunch or free time. However, you’re the stable,datum for the children creating a loving environment. You’re a superstar. You just crack the fuck in, every day. Your kids will value this and be soooo grateful. Honest

@REDB99 I agree that he's the cheat, but I do think that it's wise for women to think twice in this situation.

I've advised my DD to always turn down married men, because whatever the marital situation, he's not available. Worst case, he's lying to someone who thinks that he's working late, for example. Many women who are kind and have a strong sense of self-worth wouldn't want to be a part of that type of sordid situation. No sloppy seconds for them!

That’s it in a nutshell.

oh please

I don't know if there's a term to describe the opposite of a keyboard warrior, someone pretending to be saintly and caring when they don't have to do more than making a statement on an anonymous forum

There you have it. She doesn’t get what it’s like to have kids and feel exhausted etc, she’s fancy free and probably believes all his bullshit about the boring wife etc.

I think there must be a fundamental insecurity with women going for men like this. Because a woman secure in herself would perhaps see through the bad behaviour and go for someone better.

Don't forget the old "but we're soulmates" - scummy OW always trot this out to justify opening their legs to a married man...no thought to the fact he's a proven liar, cheat with dodgy morals and zilch integrity.

These desperate women are so easily flattered by a low life cheat.

OP, I know it hurts and seems terribly unfair but this is a reflection on your ex and OW, not on you. Big hugs

It's called having morals. Get some!

Once a cheat, always a cheat

Because she’ll see him as CHOOSING HER. The fact he had small Kids when they became involved probably makes it an even greater triumph, or ‘special’ 🤮 as it ‘proves’ how much he loves HER, and was willing to walk away from to be with her.

They don’t think about the fact they were justan escape from the hard realities of being a parent and could probably have been anyone.

Hopefully the same fate will befall her and reality will come crashing down like it did for Natalie Portman. She screwed her dance instructor while filming Black Swan and his wife/partner was either pregnant or recently had a baby. Years later he fucks around with somebody else after they’ve married and had a couple of kids together. And everyone feels so sorry for her! 🤷🏼‍♀️ There were even threads on here discussing how awful it was for her! Karma.

Do you have support from family/friends?
It's certainly not easy being a single parent, especially when the father is not invested emotionally or seeing the kids regularly.

As for the ow I cant comment as I've never been the ow, but people from all walks of life have affairs for reasons known only to them and it must be heartbreaking for you thinking that you were in a happy marriage and stable environment, to then have that taken away. It may not seem like it now but you will emerge from this stronger.

there was an interesting thread not long ago, where the old "once a cheater.." popped up by a couple of posters trying to reassure themselves,

while in real life, many couples happily re-married started with a bit of an overlap, and were actually happier and a better couple than the first time round, maybe simply because they learned their lesson.

So people rush a bit while they are still married. If they are still together 3 years down the line, maybe it was worth it.

But once again, it's interesting that the thread is about the WOMAN, not the man who actually did cheat.