To think poorly of the OW in this situation?

[Itsnotpink]

3 years ago my children’s dad left after having an affair with another women. They were working away on a job together. The women knew full well he had two young children. One in nursery and one in primary. For months they snuck around acting like love sick teenagers. Going out to dinner, renting holiday homes. All the time ex partner was calling home and lying to me and the kids FaceTiming us. Constantly telling us how busy he was and how stressful work was:

They continue to see each other but live in different countries. Time with our kids is limited with their dad as it is but he seems to find time to holiday and see this women. He will go months without seeing our children.

I still feel raged occasionally about it. I had children with someone who is totally checked out of every physical and mental aspect or parenting. Unless it suits him occasionally. But somehow this women and him think he is a fantastic dad because he pays maintenance?! do women really find guys like this a catch. I sadly had no one to gage him against. But this women knows he is a cheat, a liar and puts himself before his kids. It’s a total mystery to me!!!

They just don't care. People are ultimately selfish. She wanted him, that was the only thing she cared about or was thinking about.

In many cases it's spun as she's the heroine saving him from his dull boring stressful life, so she's congratulating herself.

Either she doesn't want kids and doesn't care, or she'll think she's different from everyone else and has changed him and find out the hard way she's not and she hasn't.

I’ve just had a tough few weeks of working hard, illness and I’m burnt out and feel a bit mad at the situation tonight.

Most days I’m fine!

If it wasn't with her then it probably would have been with someone else, he clearly didn't care enough to want to maintain your relationship

Sadly not just me but his kids too! I don’t want or miss him but I am sad for the children.

Chances are OP that he has told her a story casting himself as the victim and saying a lot of very unpleasant things about you.
And she has chosen to believe them, otherwise she would have walked away.
You are better off not knowing.

The short answer is that 42% of marriages (in the UK) end in divorce. And unless there is clean break with no others involved, there will be an 'other man' or 'other woman'. That's messy complicated life

There is having affairs with just adults involved and then literally upping and leaving your tiny children for another person.

I find threads like this really interesting. So much internalised misogyny. A man who promised to love you - the father of your children, no less - lied and mistreated you. But your ire is directed at a woman who you’ve never met, who doesn’t know you and owes you nothing. Your issue is with her lack of ‘decency’. She, in your mind, ‘also lied to you’.

It’s a truly fascinating mindset.

Basically, she doesn’t give a shit about you. Much like none of us on this thread do (although some might pretend). Most people aren’t monsters, we won’t hurt people for no reason, we generally try to be kind, etc. But, when it comes down to it, if it’s a choice between what we want and the desires of a total stranger, we’d pick ourselves. No contest. And, honestly, that’s fine.

The person who should have had your best interests at heart - the person who swore to - was your DH. And he didn’t. Which is why he left. If he actually gave a shit about you, he wouldn’t have cheated. So, your issue is nothing to do with her.

I disagree. I can say for myself I do care about others. Regardless of if I know them. Yes I would care that I might be shagging some young kids dad. Is that so hard to believe?! it would keep me up at night because I would never intentionally wish to participate in causing another pain.

Of course you disagree. That was rather my point.

No. Some of us have a different code. Some of us care about hurting children. No one is absolving the husband, so no misogny, just normal contempt for a woman that thinks this acceptable behaviour. I think someone that just takes what they want has a strange mindset. And, no, it's not "fine" - how on earth can it be? The OW, along with the man, has played a part in breaking up a family. Maybe if it wasn't her it would have been someone else, but why be that person when there are plenty of other single men? The OP absolutely does have a reason to have an issue with the OW as she's had a part in causing her and her children pain, possibly mental health issues as the children grow up. This is not a victimless action. This is selfish behaviour getting involved with a man married with kids. It's not misogyny to dislike someone to have played a part in affecting your life like that. No one is blaming the woman more than the man, both are culpable.

This is the exact sort of thing I was talking about. Fascinating.

No other comeback than that? 😆

Why would I have a comeback? I’ve said what I wanted to say. I’m not interested in arguing with you, and I’m not trying to convince you of anything.

I am so sorry that happened to you it’s awful. My dad did exactly this. Weirdly started a thread about it yesterday as I seem to be feeling more angry about it since having my own kids and I just cannot comprehend how someone leaves their children/family unit to be with another woman.

i never felt that much anger towards the other woman maybe some at the time.. but now I just see that she was the one ultimately stuck with a man that is capable of doing these things to his own family. He is not a fantastic dad and your children will know that and honestly that’s all that matters. My mum never said a bad word about my dad but we came to our own conclusion. It’s all so hard I’m so sorry x

She only wants him because he’s taken

Why post anything then? Because you can't justify your basic selfishness clearly, in thinking it's "fine" to behave like an OW and take what you want. Any woman that thinks that is ok towards another woman isn't valuing women, so perhaps that could be construed as misogyny as clearly anyone that thinks it's ok to put themselves above others in a situation like this couldn't care less about women. Bizarre thinking but not in the least bit "fascinating". Nothing you've said is fascinating, you've just declared yourself a selfish, uncaring person, and no, not everyone is like you, thankfully.

She really wasn't complicite. He was married to you HE did this 6 times. Or 6 different women. I get it when I was much younger I was cheated on and I felt hateful toward OW. But now looking back sure she knew about me but guess what it was her job to worry or care about me. It was his.

Complicit definition - involved with others in an activity that is unlawful or morally wrong. Er, yes, I think she was complicit. It's not about a "job" to care about someone, it's about living a life where you don't harm/hurt others, so you just don't go there - especially when there are kids. She played a part in those kids growing up without a father. Again, not apportioning blame. He's more to play but she played a part.

But somehow this women and him think he is a fantastic dad because he pays maintenance?! do women really find guys like this a catch. I sadly had no one to gage him against. But this women knows he is a cheat, a liar and puts himself before his kids. It’s a total mystery to me!!!

There's a lot of women like this in general even if they weren't the OW. A man just has to utter the magic words 'lives for my kids' and then she believes he's an amazing dad even if he never sees them. It's bizarre.

She probably thinks it's just because she's so irresistible. He would be a wonderful fatter if I it he wasn't so infatuated with her. They are both narcissistic twats.

The best bit is she probably thinks he would never cheat on her

Once upon a time I would have been very black and white about it but now I’m not so sure. I have been in a relationship with my now DP since May 2023. He was an old flame from high school and we re-met in November 2022 (we both happened to be in the same city for work, we live in different countries). I was at the time very unhappily married and he was in a relationship. We both had children. Nothing physical happened between us that night but certainly that meeting was a catalyst for both of us. It was a coup de foudre and the next day I caught the train back to London and cried the whole way, thinking I would never see him again. He says his relationship was on the rocks - I don’t know, I didn’t live it, but I suspect he would not have had the impetus to pull the pin on it at that point if he hadn’t met me. They sound very incompatible but DP can be very conflict averse and can certainly take some of the blame for the state of the relationship (and for even getting into it on the first place).

My exH was abusive in every way and I should have left years earlier. The warmth and kindness and love that I felt from DP that one night shone a light on everything that was missing in my marriage. I ended my marriage in November 2022, not because I was leaving exH for (now) DP as (a) we live so far away from each other and (b) I assumed he was unavailable - but bc my marriage was intolerable. When DP learnt that I had left my husband he told me he had fallen in love with me and ended his relationship (not a marriage but a 3 year relationship with a child involved). We didn’t meet again until May 2023 and our proper relationship commenced, although for sure there was an emotional connection before then. Nearly two years on we are extremely happy and planning our life together.

I have no doubt both of our ex partners think we cheated although we both ended the relationships before starting ours. (My ex less so than his, given our split was on the cards and I stayed through physical abuse so really his days were numbered.)

I’d never condone cheating but I don’t know that keeping your hands clean but being the woman a man leaves a relationship for is particularly comforting to the woman that is left. I’m not as quick to judge infidelity or overlap in relationships as I used to be. I don’t think we did anything wrong but I now realise life is messy and no one knows what goes on in other people’s lives. I looked like I had a perfect affluent middle class life with my exH and he was terrorising me and the kids and assaulted me on more than one occasion.

Like you @Itsnotpink I’m now a single mother, I work full time and and exH barely had the kids. He does whatever he likes and I do the parenting. For me though, maybe it helps that I had agency over my decision to leave - I chose this. It’s tiring and lonely (DP still lives overseas) but I feel very lucky that my ex is such a shit dad and human being generally that I get to be present for my kids’ childhood - I would far rather the exhaustion of full time solo parenting than the heart break of missing my kids half the time.

@Endoftheroad12345 Why did you not cheat though? Why did you both end your relationships first? The spark was there, but you chose to wait. That makes a huge difference.

@PandaTime I didn’t cheat because I’m a guilt ridden lapsed Catholic and DP didn’t make a move! He didn’t make a move because he was getting no encouragement from me and he is very much not a player and cheating would have been well outside his wheelhouse.

Had there been the slightest encouragement from either side I think it could have gone the other way, which is why I now think it’s more nuanced than I previously realised.

I think I'd also be far more devastated to find out my partner had fallen in love with someone else vs slept with someone else. (I now know my exH slept with others while we were together 🙄 - I can’t muster up the energy to care bc the love was so long gone when I found out, although had I known at the time I would have been shattered.)