To think poorly of the OW in this situation?

[Itsnotpink]

3 years ago my children’s dad left after having an affair with another women. They were working away on a job together. The women knew full well he had two young children. One in nursery and one in primary. For months they snuck around acting like love sick teenagers. Going out to dinner, renting holiday homes. All the time ex partner was calling home and lying to me and the kids FaceTiming us. Constantly telling us how busy he was and how stressful work was:

They continue to see each other but live in different countries. Time with our kids is limited with their dad as it is but he seems to find time to holiday and see this women. He will go months without seeing our children.

I still feel raged occasionally about it. I had children with someone who is totally checked out of every physical and mental aspect or parenting. Unless it suits him occasionally. But somehow this women and him think he is a fantastic dad because he pays maintenance?! do women really find guys like this a catch. I sadly had no one to gage him against. But this women knows he is a cheat, a liar and puts himself before his kids. It’s a total mystery to me!!!

what you are doing is removing the blame from the person who actually cheated, that's what I find interesting.

HE made a commitment to his wife/partner, HE had children, HE lied and cheated, but somehow he's only 50% responsible?

Woman are so powerful that it's on them if a man can't stay in a committed relationship but breaks up from his first partner?

Fascinating reasoning.

A man being a good father or family man is probably not a quality she cares about in a lover. Makes sense judging by the current set up of the relationship. Women dont need to prioritise family values in their search for a partner just because theyre women. Maybe she just wants sex and fun, and hes perfectly suitable for that for her.

He could have said no. He is 100% responsible for breaking up your family. He could have said no. Even if SHE had said no, he still wanted to - and is that any better? He likely would have broken up your family eventually even if she had rejected him, since it was something he wanted to do. He wouldve just done it with someone else.

I think you're right, @PandaTime Everyone finds justifications for their behavior, because they can't face being the bad guy.

@ItGhoul I know what you're saying about wanting a different type of relationship, but it's all a bit sad and sordid really.

Not delighting at all. But can two things not be true? That the man is a total shit and the women is lacking in decency?

Your ex is an opportunistic prick, but you fell for him too. If your only question is should you judge his current girlfriend, then maybe not.

He will go months without seeing our children

I cannot understand how men can do this? It’s inhumane.

It just goes to show what an utter dud he is, so it sounds like they deserve each other.

Women dont need to prioritise family values in their search for a partner just because theyre women. Maybe she just wants sex and fun, and hes perfectly suitable for that for her.

@Agix Why not have sex and fun with someone single though?

I was not the other women. We was together for 10 years before we had children. Had I known he was a cheat, a liar and would walk out on young kids… then no I would not have dated him!

I didn't say the relationship would be doomed and I completely agree that a relationship won't be necessarily be doomed just because it started as an affair. My marriage started as an affair and as I said on that other thread 'It seems to be working out so far, but it's only been 32 years, so I'll have to let you know how it goes.'

But this man goes for months without seeing his small children. You can't tell me she won't see him in a completely different light once she has children of her own and she gets a call to say he's working late or he has to stay away from home on business. She's bound to feel some insecurity, having observed the ease with which he lied to his wife to be with her, and how readily he walked away from his children to prioritise her. Even if she's got nothing to worry about, she will never be able to trust him 100%. She'll always wonder.

I am sure you are devastated but you have got to let go of the idea that she should have had compassion. Now mind you would I do this no way on earth. Would you do this no way on earth. But honestly plenty of both women and men do this with out a care in the world. Sadly it's reality. The best revenge is moving on.

There’s no one quite as psychotically selfish and tunnel visioned as people who’ve “found true love” in an affair. Why do they expect everyone around them to be delighted for them?. And yes whilst the OW owed you nothing it’s just the shittiest of human behaviour. You’re right to be angry and in this situation I’d be inviting a friend round to laugh at this woman’s social media pages (yes it’s petty and pathetic but sometimes you just gotta go there)

But you know what they say about when a mistress becomes a wife she leaves an open vacancy

They're both horrible but he probably makes out that he's a better dad than he is, ie saying they facetime every night.

@TwigletsAndRadishes After 32 years, it sounds like it's working!

But why didn't you wait until you were both single? Wouldn't it have been so much easier to end the failing marriage(s) first?

I haven't made any "big statement" and I'm certainly not "special" - I just have morals and decency, which you clearly don't, and I think that is a bit of an eye-opener for you, i.e. that you lack morals, respect and decency towards others. THAT is the difference between you and me. I'm up here, you're down there, basically. Others have expressed the same view as me. It doesn't make us special, it means we have standards of behaviour and principles, that you don't have as you're empty.

Affair partners are like guns. Guns alone don't hurt people. It is their use by a person that hurts people. The shooter is 100% the bad guy, but it's still ok to hate guns and wish they didn't exist.

People create narratives that center their own feelings and justify their behavior.

But it's also always easier to look at these things from the outside or after things have blown up and wonder how the person doesn't see them for who they are. If you're truly honest was your DH a wonderful, devoted partner and father right up until he left or do you look at some things he did/couldn't be arsed to do and think "I wish I had seen that more clearly"?

And you're so morally bankrupt, you don't care who knows it. But, hey, think of it just being that you're not a hypocrite if it makes you feel better, sod everyone else, take what you want.

Truth is, she didn't care about you or your kids, but then neither did your now ex. And they're his children. I'm not sure you can demand more consideration from a stranger than your actual partner.

But the entire premise of your thread is to denigrate the other woman. Your slimy ex somehow manages to slide off the hook, as they all seem to do.

These threads always follow the same path. Slam the (irrelevant) other woman but throw in a few perfunctory negative comments about the ex because you want to show some sort of balance.

The fact that your ex is a horrible, derelict father is far worse than anything any woman could do.

Oh there is no doubt after kids he was a terrible parent. Always working away. Couldn’t cope with lack of time to himself when he was home. I was completely alone in parenthood. He would constantly apologise and talk about how he wanted to be around more and would change his job. And I have no doubt that if I hadn’t caught him out he would have moved on to the next women.

it transpires he had been cheating since my eldest was born. And later confessed to 6 different women in that time.

She may have been attracted to him because she doesn't want to marry and have children. It may suit her that he's not really available. Also, he has obviously fed her some stories about you to make her accuse you of being a narcissist - it's no surprise that he would lie to both of you.

I was single. He wasn't. We sort of did wait, actually. It was mostly an emotional affair and it didn't go on for very long, only a few weeks before he decided to tell his wife he had very strong feelings for me and needed to leave her. There's a bit more to it than that but it might be outing to anyone who knows me to go into more detail. No children involved, thankfully.

Are you still talking to me?

No, I don't actually care what a random stranger on the internet thinks of me. You haven't opened my eyes about anything either, you don't know me, and you don't matter.

He did this to you with six different women, and you're still focused on the last in line?

Come on.

I would think badly. I don’t buy into I didn’t make the vows bullshit. Anyone knowingly having an affair is a bad person. I have ended a friendship with a woman who did this.