To think poorly of the OW in this situation?

[Itsnotpink]

3 years ago my children’s dad left after having an affair with another women. They were working away on a job together. The women knew full well he had two young children. One in nursery and one in primary. For months they snuck around acting like love sick teenagers. Going out to dinner, renting holiday homes. All the time ex partner was calling home and lying to me and the kids FaceTiming us. Constantly telling us how busy he was and how stressful work was:

They continue to see each other but live in different countries. Time with our kids is limited with their dad as it is but he seems to find time to holiday and see this women. He will go months without seeing our children.

I still feel raged occasionally about it. I had children with someone who is totally checked out of every physical and mental aspect or parenting. Unless it suits him occasionally. But somehow this women and him think he is a fantastic dad because he pays maintenance?! do women really find guys like this a catch. I sadly had no one to gage him against. But this women knows he is a cheat, a liar and puts himself before his kids. It’s a total mystery to me!!!

As others have said - it's a reflection on them not you. Your children will grow up knowing how much you have done for them and that you are the parent who has been there every day.

And as for the OW - remember "how you get them is how you lose them". She has all of this to come no doubt..

Unbelievably many posters would say the same thing, almost verbatim about women who shag ‘taken’ men. They absolve them of any moral responsibility simply bc they’re a woman and don’t ‘owe’ the wife/partner anything.

Interesting. I don’t know I can’t see him turning into a wonderful guy given his attitude towards being a parent?!

But three years on they don’t even live together or even in the same country. Hardly seems a very committed relationship to me!

I will always think poorly of anyone who knowingly has an affairwith someone who is married/in a LTR. Its despicable and morally bankrupt. However her lack of morals shouldn't really be any more relevant to you than any other woman who does the same, your agreement so to speak was with your ex, he was the one who betrayed you and broke the commitment he had made you.. She just betrayed herself/basic human decency.

it's more about targeting the right person.

Wife cheats, dumps husband - it happens a lot, no thread made about the disgusting man who broke the marriage.

Husband cheats? It's the OW's fault! How dare she!

I’m sorry. It sounds horrible but I judge all other women unless the man lies to them about being married. Maybe I should have more empathy though

Op he is a total shit for the way he has behaved and you have my sympathy.

I think that it should be normalised more - the idea that these men are shits. Because although we all seem to think that behind closed doors, its not really spoken about publicly often. These men are not shunned or shamed in the way that they should be. There's also very little discussion about the limits it places on the women who are left holding the baby and managing it all. We, as a society, need to change our dialogue around solo mums and acknowledge the amazing job they do, often in very trying circumstances.

I hope you are claiming all the maintenance that you are entitled to.

I’m so fascinated by the posters who think having decency for people you don’t know is somehow odd. I try to be kind to everyone and not judge when I do not know them. Regardless if they were a stranger, yes I would have empathy to think their man was knowingly lying to them.

@BreezyScroller Even if the new couple is better suited, why not wait until the married one has ended their relationship? Why get involved in a mess?

I dunno, I think high expectations are the best choice in this situation. If it's meant to be, they can come back when they're available!

She might think he is a fantastic man and fantastic father now, but when she has a child with him herself she will remember every time he lied to you and his kids when he was in a hotel with her. And how easily the lies came to him and how easily you were duped by them. She'll remember all the things he said about you and how the relationship had changed since you became a mother and let yourself go, or went off sex, or whatever else he used to justify his affair and blame you. She'll remember that he can go for months without bothering to see his own children, who are still so little, and won't understand. And she'll have a massive crisis of confidence about what kind of man he is after all. She'll drive herself mad looking for signs that he might he doing the same to her.

It's because his status as a father isn't relevant to his status as a lover or potential partner. People who cheat or get with people who have partners only care about themselves. The hurt or impact on other people doesn't override their own wants and desires. Of course they all tell themselves the same crap "My marriage is over/we're only together for the kids/can't afford to get divorced/but it's you I love/we're soulmates/I've never felt this way about anyone else before" etc. But that's all just the subconscious's way of justifying the affair. It's a self-preservation thing. People don't want to be the bad guy nor be with a bad guy, so their minds twist it to make them the victims of circumstance.

People fall in and out of love… it’s just life

I think your angry is misplaced… it should be your ex that you’re angry towards.

you can wish this as much as you want, it won't make it true.

A new relationship is not doomed from the start because things were messy when they started

In the end, the only person you are hurting is you, the other 2 are moving on with their life.

Doesn't sound like your relationship was working anyway if he was so busy / away so much. It most likely would have failed without the affair. Tbh they've done you a favour because now you can build an independent life for yourself without someone who's wrong for you.

Man or woman, I've never understood the appeal of getting involved with someone who's already in a relationship. If you're in love or lust, then break up with your current partner before pursuing anything, don't settle for sloppy seconds.

I am angry towards the ex. But that doesn’t mean I can’t be angry at the OW too.

She encouraged him after the event by giving him books on escaping a toxic relationship and even sent me an email calling me a narcissist! I was literally just at home looking after my 3 and 5 year old burnt out tired.

I get what you’re saying, but a man can’t cheat without another person, usually a woman.

Men should take full responsibility for cheating obviously, and if they’re the type who would cheat, they’re pretty shitty at their core, but according to many MNers, most men would cheat given the opportunity.

There’s a difference between Nigel cracking onto the young, impressionable junior employee at work who believes he is separated, and a woman who specifically targets a married man for various reasons of her own and sets out to seduce him - whether that be taking an opportunity at a work event or playing the long game and beginning with an emotional affair. The guy is NEVER blameless but neither is the OW, unless she has been deceived by him all the way along.

Utter rubbish. Plenty of threads about cheating being looked down upon whoever does it.

And no, I haven't said if the husband cheats it is the OW's fault. I've said it is both, as have others. Neither person's behaviour is decent. But I don't expect you to comprehend that as you don't think we owe strangers anything! And that is nothing to do with me being the opposite of a keyboard warrior as you so deftly put it. It's called having decency, respect for others and morals as without these things, and if we all thought like you'd, there'd be a breakdown of society. Thank god, some of us are up here. Strive to be better, think of others, do unto others as you would have them do unto you - yes a phrase from the Bible and I'm not religious but you're so one dimensional, selfish sounding and unpleasant. And yes, I'm astounded that you'd make that clear to everyone with your posts. If you're a selfish, self-centred person at least keep it to yourself.

Sorry but this is just codswallop. Of course she should be held to exactly the same moral account. She knew he was married. She knew he had kids. And she’s 50/50 responsible for splitting the family up and causing so much distress. And other women finding excuses to absolve women with such shitty morals and low standards of any blame is a crock of shit.

I think when ex-wives say ‘But why would the OW want someone who cheated on his wife / doesn’t prioritise his kids / whatever’ they’re often wrongly assuming that the OW wants the same things from a relationship that they did. And of course in some cases they do.

But there are also plenty of women who aren’t looking for the cosy domesticity of a marriage-and-kids type.

I’m guessing the OW in the OP’s case is enjoying the holidays and the freedom of not living with him and not having to play stepmum. She’s not getting the domestic set-up or the ‘serious’ side, but she probably doesn’t want that.

I also think relationships and breakups and the reasons people fall for one another are just not as simple as we’d like to believe them to be. I’ve never been the OW and I’d like to think I never would be, but life is complicated, love is complicated and people are flawed and make mistakes. It’s just not as simple as we wish it was.

As a past poster said, they have both made themselves the victims. I have been put through actual hell. Honestly I was so distressed during that first year they made me want to end my life. Thankfully after much therapy and amazing friends I am now in a good place.

True

I am not an hypocrite, and I don't make big statement pretending that I am special, that's the difference between you and me.

You can blame the woman all you like but your ex is the one who is supposed to have a relationship with his children. It should be stronger than any other - including any relationship he had with you.

He - and only he - has decided that his children really don't matter. There is not a single good thing to say about him but your focus is on the other woman and you're delighting in the same old posters here spouting off that she's a homewrecker.

She is not your concern. He could have put a stop to all of this before it ever started yet chose not to. That is on him. Entirely on him. This woman is irrelevant because your ex is a cheat and if it hadn't been this woman, it would have been another one.

Your children's father doesn't give a hoot about them; he's a louse and there are no redeeming qualities.

I can hand on heart say I would never willingly cause another person distress because I’m just not wired that way. It’s common sense that getting involved/ being involved in breaking up someone’s family is going to have a profound and lasting impact.