To think poorly of the OW in this situation?

[Itsnotpink]

3 years ago my children’s dad left after having an affair with another women. They were working away on a job together. The women knew full well he had two young children. One in nursery and one in primary. For months they snuck around acting like love sick teenagers. Going out to dinner, renting holiday homes. All the time ex partner was calling home and lying to me and the kids FaceTiming us. Constantly telling us how busy he was and how stressful work was:

They continue to see each other but live in different countries. Time with our kids is limited with their dad as it is but he seems to find time to holiday and see this women. He will go months without seeing our children.

I still feel raged occasionally about it. I had children with someone who is totally checked out of every physical and mental aspect or parenting. Unless it suits him occasionally. But somehow this women and him think he is a fantastic dad because he pays maintenance?! do women really find guys like this a catch. I sadly had no one to gage him against. But this women knows he is a cheat, a liar and puts himself before his kids. It’s a total mystery to me!!!

He's made her feel that she is so special that he left his life for her, and is likely glad that the children don't take up a disruptive amount of his time.
It's a self centered thought process but not vastly uncommon from people without children.

Some women are stupid.

And some men like stupid women.

It doesn't make you a bad person to leave a relationship that is no longer working for you. The realisation that it needs to end comes in different ways for different people. Finding yourself attracted to someone else is one of those ways. But then choosing to have an affair and all the lies and sneaking involved in that is where the line is crossed.

You could have cheated, but it's not who you or your DP are or who you wanted to be. Despite the attraction and the opportunity, you both chose not to encourage an affair.

Fuck your ex.

Thanks @PandaTime, I did reach that conclusion but I felt quite tortured at the time and had to have quite a bit of therapy to process it all! I’m just a bit more understanding now of how life doesn’t exactly go to plan. I was previously extremely didactic with my life planned out 5 years in advance. The universe has taken me down a peg or two.

I've been there, stupid ex has loads of money so maintenance paid and I can guarentee the stupid twat will get caught by the OW wanting a child and maybe getting pregnant accidentally once her clock starts ticking. And then he'll be in the same boat a gain won't he, except her expectations will be far lower having seen what he's like.

I feel for you, and you are well rid believe me

She needs to bear in mind what the late Sir James Goldsmith said. 'When you marry your mistress, you create a job vacancy.'

I don't get why OW/M who know their AP has a family/partner do it either or why they should get off lightly on the basis they aren't your partner, both are culpable, both behave badly.

For those thinking OW/M don't owe the partner anything, it makes me think of all the married and partnered people who I know have tried it on with me or my friends and family and thankfully, bar one, we all had the self respect and common decency to turn them down. Should we have just gone off shagging? I don't think so. Surely you have to have terrible self esteem at the minimum to do it, all you get is the crumbs and the moaning about the partner and often no relationship at the end of it, what self respecting person lets that BS into their life?

Whenever I read/hear about OW/M who have affairs and ONS with partnered people it just reminds me that the most disgusting flies are always attracted to the biggest, freshest shit going.

It doesn't say anything good about her, or her self esteem, or her very low standards for men.

I don't see how you can trust a man that you start a relationship with this way. If he cheats with you, he will cheat on you. They might believe it's different for them, but it's very unlikely to be. I suspect she is going to be in for a fall with this man.

Don't get me wrong, it's 100% on your ex. He just found someone who also has low standards.

You find it fascinating that other people think you're wrong? It's really weird that you're trying to act like the David Attenborough of Mumsnet and are directing your thoughts at some imagined audience.

You: If we look closely into this thread, we can see the internalised misogyny appearing. What a fascinating display.

OP (and others): "Actually, I'm just saying that some women are extremely selfi-"

You: "AS we can now see, the misogyny is internalising in real time. Such a special moment for us to capture here on Mumsnet. Utterly fascinating."

😐

I'm a woman who thinks a married/'taken' man, with or without children, is an unattractive prospect. I have never slept with someone's boyfriend, or husband. I think that shit is grim, and I've called men out who have tried to cheat with me. It genuinely makes me angry that they're such selfish idiots who are trying to inflict themselves on me, and could hurt their girlfriends badly for some meaningless titillation. I've always been this way, not because I've been hurt.

However if a man is single and I want him, I don't care about the competition, and I won't bow out just because someone else wants him. As soon as it seems like he' struggling to make his choice, or might prefer someone else, THEN I am no longer interested. Just naturally, easily, uninterested. And I'd respect his choice, and her, by not behaving as a threat in any way.

There are lots of people like me around, and I don't think it's misogynistic to say that women that aren't like this are extremely selfish.

Extreme selfishness is disgusting, whether that comes from a man or a woman, by the way. It's okay for OP to find her disgustingly selfish ex and his disgustingly selfish girlfriend utterly deplorable. Neither of them care about the well being of others, and that isn't just standard human behaviour like you're trying to make out.

I dont agree or support what OW did at all.
However, I am equally disgusted by some of the insults being thrown around in this thread - tramp, lowlife etc. This is a human being. Your ex. is the liar and cheat. He has probably spun her a backstory. I think a lot of 'OW' often have a history of abuse, past trauma etc. They aren't able to develop healthy relationships because they weren't shown love and or didn't learn to value and respect themselves. She may be immature or not really considered the impact of her actions (especially if she doesn't have kids herself). It doesn't make it right of course, but there doesn't need to be so much hate. If she knew about the damage she'd caused I bet she'd be mortified. Most people would be.

The OW is pretty irrelevant. If it wasn’t her it would have been someone else. Direct your ire where it deserves to be - entirely with the man.

It fascinates me that so many women refuse to acknowledge the evidence that's clear to everyone around them and think, 'well, he won't treat me like that. He loves me'. It would be funny if it wasn't so sad and causes so much pain. Men can only behave like this because we enable it. Sorry you've got one OP.

I hear you OP. They're vile inadequate people. OW in my case wanted our child out of their lives completely so she gave him a choice and he chose her. She bought a house for them some 750 miles away to make sure. Our son was 2 when he left and there has been no contact from his sperm donor for five years. Absolute cunts, the pain of them.

I find it fascinating that she (and you) are wholly unable to engage with what I’ve actually said. And I don’t care if you disagree with me, so my responses reflect that.

The Attenborough thing was hilarious, though. waves cheerily at imaginary audience 🤣

The David Attenborough comment was brilliant. So funny and spot on. It is only "fascinating" as I suppose it must be unusual to come across people with feelings for others and some morals if you don't have any in this respect.

I would be disgusted with a man hitting on me while married with kids. So I guess I can't understand the other woman. Even if the man claimed she was a psycho I would question why he didn't leave her instead of trying to have an affair. I couldn't get attracted to someone whose values are so far away from mine.
So for the OW I'd say she either doesn't have a moral compass or she's very young and naïve (and therefore "forgiven")...

I don't disagree with you but, as your ex sees them so infrequently, I don't think her presence is going to be much of an issue.

Is he at least paying for his children?

Yes, the internalised misogyny is fascinating!

Why do you say that?

I engaged with what you said.

You said that most people care about themselves and what they want more than other people, particularly people they don't know. Your wording, and the way you presented it, makes it seem like you believe that to be absolutely factual. You are implying that most of the women here would do the exact same thing as the OW.

You won't engage with the women here who said "Actually, I'm not like that" because it breaks down your point and position, and you've got nothing to back it up with.

Sorry you've accepted such a rigidly individualistic perspective on the world. Tory, perhaps?

Depends on:

a) What he told her
b) If he believes he will be different with her.

Or she may just be a nasty person with no morals.

I have heard this, a lot especially from progressive women and the mindset is mindboggling.

When I point out other examples and activities where people “do what they want and f…k everybody else. All of a sudden “that’s different”.

Don't agree at all. I tend to expect more from women because I think they tend to be better human beings (not all) and therefore it's quite the contrary to misogyny.

Leaving aside the “OW” narrative a lot of people will believe whatever nonsense an intimate partner tells them because they want to.

I am constantly baffled by women who become the 3rd / 4th / 5th baby mother to a deadbeat dad with multiple kids he does not look after. But they do. Because they believe what he tells them and that he will be different with them.

Nothing you can do. She is not your problem. As for your ex. I would be tempted to just cut off contact fully (aside from maintenance.)