Do you judge people with loads of kids?

[AureliusS]

I have three primary aged SC, one DS and am pregnant. We look like a genetically related family when we’re together.

None of my friends have more than two children and in my demographic (late 30s, university graduate, higher taxpayer) it seems to be very rare. Certainly nobody I’ve met in baby classes has more than three and even three is rare.

I sometimes feel like people assume we are either on benefits or very rich rather than a regular average family and judge us based on that. AIBU to feel this way?

I do judge large families a little bit because of global warming. 3-4 kids isn’t unusual at all where I live though, it’s very common. I don’t care if people are rich or on benefits really.

No, I envy them.

Op, don’t waste any more of your time wondering whether people you don’t know are judging you. Far more likely to be you projecting your own insecurities. Most people will barely notice you.

@AureliusS if it is any consolation, I think it gets easier as the get older - at the nursery and school gates.

I was very isolated with DC1 for very different (medical) reasons. I only really started to find my people once DC1 started school.

Same here. I’m mostly in awe of how people manage it as I don’t think I could. However, there is a child in DDs year group who has 7 siblings, and I must admit to being a bit judgy of the parents (although have never shared that with anyone) as I know from what DD has told me, that the children don’t get to do activities (stuff that needs to be paid for- even school disco) because there are so many of them. It makes me a bit sad that the parents have prioritised their desire to have a large brood over the opportunities they could have given their children. It’s not really something I can comprehend.

I get plenty of comments about having my hands full with just 3! Everyone judges something, just need to find people that align to your values.

I'm one of 8.

It used to boil my piss when people judged us. It still does. I'll still get asked if we all have the same dad or if we grew up on benefits etc.

Both my parents are university educated, owned their own home and worked all their lives. They just wanted a large family.

Whenever anyone askes me if we all have the same dad I just shrug and ask the person if all their kids have the same dad. Usually shuts them up.

People are so rude.

I'd judge you if you look chavvy (edit: judge me for that all you want, haha!) but otherwise I am happy to see big families. If I see a family with three or more kids I always point them out to DH.

We have three but want another (or two!).

Yes but it's not about wealth or lack thereof but about how selfish it is.

I wouldn't however judge you specifically. If I saw you in the street I wouldn't assume they were all your children, they could very easily be nieces and nephews or friends children. And if I knew you I'd know you only have two children that are yours so wouldn't judge you. I would (do) judge your partner though.

If you or your partner gets ill or loses their job and needs to claim benefits - prepare to be judged to within an inch of your life by people here on mumsnet.

They'll think you're thieving irresponsible scumbags.

So as long as you don't get ill/unemployed, you're good.

Going with the popular opinion, no I wouldn't judge if you can afford them.
Less popular opinion, I do judge if there are lots of kids from different fathers.

funny reported thread.

Why?

The person I went to school with who has 5 kids by 3 different dads? Yes.

My Mormon relatives? That's just what's expected of them innit?

Random person in the street? Only if the kids seem uncared for/are misbehaving and not being corrected for it

I will admit to being jealous of people who can have as many kids as they want without even thinking about it. It took me 7 years, 3 miscarriages and 8 IVF transfers to have my daughter.

I wouldn't even really register how many kids someone had when they were out and about, let alone judge them for it. Also, although you say that your kids and stepkids look like they could all have the same parents, I think blended families are such a normal thing now that lots of people who notice a larger family will consider that.

Advertising is not allowed on threads, could be spam or malicious.

Less popular opinion, I do judge if there are lots of kids from different fathers.

It does mean more child maintenance though. Better financially to have five kids with three duds then five kids with one.

Oh fair enough I thought you meant you were reporting the entire thread

Depends on who you breed with. More often than not the type of men these women procreate with are lowlifes, so they'd be lucky to get a fiver a week.

I sometimes feel like people assume we are either on benefits or very rich rather than a regular average family and judge us based on that

I would have thought people give you very little thought at all.

I’ve only read @AureliusS posts (you’re very articulate!) which are interesting. I think it’s right that first time mums are looking for first time mum friends, who are in the same boat as them.

Agree about “don’t judge me for having an only child”.

I’ll admit that I often look askance when big families rock up at museums or playgrounds or whatever, mainly down to endless bad experiences of excessive noise and disruption, which I appreciate won’t feel fair to those with quiet big families but I’m afraid my experience is that you’re the minority and quite likely don’t realise who disruptive you’re being, perhaps? Or oblivious to those around you, though that’s true of plenty of families regardless of size.

I’m in an area of the UK where 3+ is more common than under 2, and that bears out in my acquaintances - the majority of my colleagues have 3, one or two have 2 or 4 and one has 5.

I don’t judge as long as the kids are properly spaced, looked after and given enough 1-on-1 time. At a certain number, though, I tend to presume that’s impossible to do. As a child in a big family I was parentified and involved in raising my siblings, which was crap. I judge the absolute hell out of that (e.g. colleague with 5 who describes her eldest two girls as the best babysitters in the world - they’re 7 and 8 and she has 2 toddlers and a 1 year old).

Yea definitely this. I think in principle big families are amazing, some of our neighbours have 7 kids spread across a fairly big age gap. They met young, totally financially independent, he's in trades, she's in healthcare. They're a lovely family and kids all seem happy, healthy, educated and well cared for.

That said, as a teacher I've seen some families with a lot of kids very close together, maybe 6-8 or a family of 13 living in a 3 bed flat. Even families of 4 kids in a similar situation. In circumstances where the kids are saying they all have to sleep 3-4 to a room, no quiet space to do their homework, parents don't read to the kids, very reliant on government assistance, I wonder if family planning was ever considered.

I'm one of 5 and had a wonderful upbringing. Financially secure and loving. My friend has 7 kids and is pregnant again from a ONS. I judge her hugely and am pulling away from the relationship because she cannot provide for her children and being friends with her has become too much!

Unfortunately that seems to be what happens in SC’s other home too where there are also four children. The oldest is parentified and babysits the youngest, they rarely do homework or read, lots of screen time, there are fewer boundaries or expectations. At one point there were six of them in a small two bedroom flat. Their mum and her partner are in and out of part time work and reliant on government support.

Although there’s - what I would consider - low level neglect, it’s not anything that’d cross the boundaries for social services intervention. It’s mine and DH’s hope that they choose to live with us as teenagers.

I've got four kids.

I couldn't give a shit if anyone judges me for that.