Do you judge people with loads of kids?

[AureliusS]

I have three primary aged SC, one DS and am pregnant. We look like a genetically related family when we’re together.

None of my friends have more than two children and in my demographic (late 30s, university graduate, higher taxpayer) it seems to be very rare. Certainly nobody I’ve met in baby classes has more than three and even three is rare.

I sometimes feel like people assume we are either on benefits or very rich rather than a regular average family and judge us based on that. AIBU to feel this way?

This is nothing but anecdotal. We have the exact opposite here; pretty much everyone has two kids. Nobody I know has three, a few have one. Most have two.

I'd love three or four!

I wouldn't say anything but given you've asked, yes I'd judge.

If needed can your husband house all his children and provide everything they need, including time?

Oh when I had mum friends with DC1, I never took DSC along. I don’t think any of my NCT friends would have ever met DSC, except possible at DC1’s birthday party. Agree that new mum friends (it’s usually first time mums who are looking to make friends) don’t want to be socialising with much older children; they are looking for baby-friendly activities and coffee, nothing else.

Mandated child maintenance for 3 children when you've got another 2 children at home is very unlikely to be actually covering costs unless you are a high earner. I suspect that's where some of the judgment comes from.

Wouldn't it be the other way around though since you can only claim benefits for 2 kids?

Also I HATE the ableism that always rears on these threads.

I don't judge if... you work and can afford them without any benefits and are healthy and have enough time and energy... then you may have my blessing to have kids.

EVERYONE deserves to be able to have kids as long as they aren't abusive. Anything else is crossing into eugenics and pretty disgusting to 'judge' who should be allowed kids based on disabilities, class and other life circumstances which often aren't anywhere near as controllable as privileged people like to think.

I grew up going to an expensive private Catholic school, so I knew several families with very educated, affluent parents who had five kids or more. Four kids doesn’t even seem like a “big family” to me - more like the bigger end of average, historically speaking.

In my own family, my mother is one of six kids, my father is one of five, and all my grandparents were one of at least five. My MIL is one of eight and my FIL is one of seven. Two of my aunts have five kids and two other aunts have four. My parents had fertility problems, so I’m an only child. 🙂

In short, no, I don’t judge people with lots of kids, because the families I know with five kids or more have all produced healthy, successful children across the board.

If you can afford them and don’t moan about it all the time then I don’t care! It’s the parents of multiple kids who scream at them in the street and moan their council house isn’t big enough that get on my tits!

We have 2 and it's what we can afford and have the bandwidth to raise properly.

My friend has 4 and I had my eyes opened when we went out for a meal with her eldest who is a late teens student on little income and she expected her to pay for her own meal! I was shocked as I automatically pay for my kids whatever we do. They have no income, why would I expect them to pay for anything?

She certainly didn't seem happy to be sharing the sparse resources with 3 other siblings. I don't think people realise how much teens cost.

I had 6 dc with cms for 4 until they finished education, and met my 3rd dh when youngest was 2, I chose to be a sahm, with dh's wage and cms to live on. Wasn't easy but we also had tax credits to help out as dh was working.
If you can afford a larger family and be self supporting then yes, but I judge people who have endless kids and expect shed loads of help from the tax payer in the form of benefits. The kids sometimes look scruffy and rough, the parents not much better. Soap and water doesn't cost much. I used hand alongs and charity shops and became a near expert in budgeting.

An anecdotal post on an anecdotal thread about our own views and experiences... NEVER lol.

As long as they're all well taken care of who gives a shit?
The argument that some people throw around that it's selfish to have a big family. The average Nigerian family has about five children so if big families bother you so much start a charity distributing birth control pills over there instead of giving the rare big British family filthy looks. What do these judgemental assholes think they're achieving?

And are people still insisting big families just do it for the benefits when there's been a two child cap since 2017, try and keep up with current affairs.

I admit I do judge the town drug addicts who have a child every year that promptly gets taken into foster care though.

A person who has multiple kids with multiple partners - yes.

I agree they’re looking for baby led activities and coffee (as am I!), but have found they’re not interested in that with me and just the baby once they know our family set-up. I think most of these mums want to find someone in the same position and don’t consider me to be.

Yes I do. I don't think it's fair on the children and I think the parents are trying to fill a void, which shouldn't be done by creating people. I really struggle to empathise with people in difficult situations like death, divorce, health changes etc when they have 4+ children (honestly, even 3+ tbh) of course life is immeasurably harder now, those things may not be in your control, but not having a child is (except with multiple births, of course).

I don’t know if everything you are experiencing is about judgement though. Some may well just be a lifestyle difference.

The families with only children tend to spend more time with each other because they have similar lifestyle - sharing holidays/outings/trips. We couldn’t join in for DC1 because DC2 wouldn’t have been able to keep up. Now DC2’s friends are starting to do similar and those with younger siblings don’t get the same options. It even extends to things like holiday club bookings. And some DC are constrained because older siblings have extra curricular commitments.

My DC are the same sex, so we spend a lot more time with families with the same sex DC than the opposite. It makes events more pleasant all round because the children play well together.

With a larger family there are less options for finding families/parents which fit your dynamic. I am sure the judgement does exist, but I would be wary of assuming that is all or even most of the reasons for the challenges making parent friends.

I def judge this, I had mine over two marriages, but three or four fathers, bit skanky imb

@AureliusS Ok, I didn’t find this. I probably didn’t really mention DSC all that much though, really. To those I did mention it to, there wasn’t any judgement. If anything the judgement was anyone who found out that DH’s ex chose not to work and rely solely on CMS.

I’’m sorry this has been your experience.

I know a 24 yo with 7 kids. I judge her if I'm honest. It's mean but I just think that's a bit insane. Literally one baby after the other. There's no need.
But as a rule no I don't judge larger families blended or not. Personally I don't think I could have coped with more than 2 kids so I don't really understand the need for more.

Yes people definitely judge.

The need for more kids? Noone needs kids, they need food, water, clothling and shelter. They hopefully actively choose to have kids. Kids are a luxury not a human need or a right.

Yeah this is true. I understand why families want to hang out with similar families. I just can’t find many (any) like ours.

Oh , and how do I block MiniBaloon !!!! 😂😂

even if you're on benefits it's nobody's business but yours!