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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed DP hasn’t gone in to the office?

353 replies

CitadelofRicks · 12/02/2025 09:42

I might be a bit unreasonable but I’m so wound up. DP was meant to go into the office today but decided last minute this morning that he couldn’t be bothered and without sounding dramatic, it’s sent me over the edge. Love him dearly but I just want some peace! He’s meant to go in three days a week but it’s not really enforced. I’m fully remote so always at home. I feel like I rarely get time to myself.

If I go visit my family then obviously there’s people there but then he gets the house to himself same if I go meet friends. I get two hours to myself on Saturday morning when he’s at parkrun (if he goes) but that’s super early so I don’t really get to enjoy the alone time if you see what I mean. Anyway the reason I’m so upset today is because I only have one work call in my calendar for half an hour. I started a new role two months ago and this is the emptiest my calendar has been since I started so naturally I was looking forward to really getting to enjoy being alone. I’ve had so many early calls and training starting at 7:30 am due to time differences and I’m just exhausted and talked out.

I know some people hate days when they don’t get the chance to speak to anyone but I love them! They so rarely happen and I’m neurodiverse so desperately need time to decompress every now and then. He’s said he’ll go in tomorrow but my calendar is packed tomorrow so it makes no difference. Obviously I’m not going to force him out of his own home but AIBU to be annoyed. I’m ashamed to admit I had a quick cry in the shower this morning.

OP posts:
icelolly12 · 12/02/2025 09:44

Maybe he feels the same way about you if you're always working from home

Original poster
CitadelofRicks · 12/02/2025 09:45

Nope he loves it when I’m home as he doesn’t like not speaking to anyone in person all day. We’re very different in that respect

OP posts:
BrightLightTonight · 12/02/2025 09:46

So were you planning on only working for 1/2 an hour today? If you are working I fail to understand why it affects you if someone else is in the house working. Surely you both have your heads down doing what you get paid for, and not having decompression time?

JimHalpertsWife · 12/02/2025 09:46

Do you have a designated room to work from?

Original poster
CitadelofRicks · 12/02/2025 09:47

I don’t have any training or anything to do today and the tasks I have would only take 2 hours max so I was going to have the rest of the day to myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
CitadelofRicks · 12/02/2025 09:47

JimHalpertsWife · 12/02/2025 09:46

Do you have a designated room to work from?

Yes, our bedroom. He works downstairs in the living room

OP posts:
BlueMum16 · 12/02/2025 09:48

But if you are working why does it matter if he's there or not? When I WFH I shut the door to the room I'm in and my head is down working. A herd of elephants could go through the house and I wouldn't know as I'm working.

Original poster
CitadelofRicks · 12/02/2025 09:50

He often comes for a chat and I just don’t like to be around anyone constantly. I’ve always craved intermittent solitude and I so rarely get it. We’re also busy all weekend so this was literally the only day where I was going to have time where I was completely alone

OP posts:
LittleRedYarny · 12/02/2025 09:50

I hear you OP, you had a set expectation and now it’s been taken away it’s hard. I’m ND and some days I just don’t want to be perceived so I can get on with things uninterrupted. Can you go and work from a local library where you can be anonymous?

Slobberchops1 · 12/02/2025 09:50

If you find having your partner around so a annoying perhaps you should live alone

Original poster
CitadelofRicks · 12/02/2025 09:51

LittleRedYarny · 12/02/2025 09:50

I hear you OP, you had a set expectation and now it’s been taken away it’s hard. I’m ND and some days I just don’t want to be perceived so I can get on with things uninterrupted. Can you go and work from a local library where you can be anonymous?

This is exactly it. I think it’s more of a neuro diverse thing. Sometimes I literally don’t want to see or talk to a soul. I’m always surrounded by people and it gets overwhelming sometimes. Unfortunately our library is being renovated so there’s nowhere else to go

OP posts:
Original poster
CitadelofRicks · 12/02/2025 09:52

Slobberchops1 · 12/02/2025 09:50

If you find having your partner around so a annoying perhaps you should live alone

That’s obviously not what I’m saying. I just don’t want him around today. Wanting a few hours away from someone doesn’t mean you don’t love them. We just don’t need to be in each others pockets

OP posts:
Squidgemoon · 12/02/2025 09:54

I get it OP, my DH is much more needy than me and I crave alone time too (and I am not ND). He’s a SAHD so I get hardly any, whereas he gets the 3 days a week I’m in the office! He does have nights out a few times a month and a club he goes to one evening a week and I really look forward to having the house to myself on those evenings, and would feel disappointed if he cancelled and stayed in, so YANBU.

YouveGotAFastCar · 12/02/2025 09:55

Go work from a coffee shop today?

I can absolutely appreciate how you feel, but you give up the right to time completely alone when you live with someone. It’s his home too. So you need another way to get that solitude today. It’s a shame that your library is closed, but you should be able to find somewhere else that’s quiet and nobody will talk to you. Cinema foyer, if yours has a drinks bit? They tend to be quiet in the day.

Queenfreak · 12/02/2025 09:55

Also ND here. I struggle terribly with last minute change of plans- so that alone would have unsettled me. I absolutely understand what you mean about having space to yourself. It's the total lack of unknown demands for me. Obviously when I'm working they come with a set of demands- but they are known and expected(as much as they can be). Other people are an unknown entity! Despite loving the bones of them.

YouveGotAFastCar · 12/02/2025 09:56

He’s a SAHD so I get hardly any, whereas he gets the 3 days a week I’m in the office!

Does he not have the kids on those three days?

LostittoBostik · 12/02/2025 09:57

How big is you home? When you both wfh do you work in separate rooms?

My DH is a shift worker so often home while I'm working, but we barely see each other let alone chat unless we have made a specific plan eg to make sure we have lunch together.

I just shut the door or our study and get on with my work. Can you not do that?

Original poster
CitadelofRicks · 12/02/2025 09:57

Thank you for your responses. I’m glad some people get where I’m coming from. Last minute changes to plans really unsettle me. He’s being saying for a few days he was going in today and it lined up perfectly with my empty calendar. Then this morning his alarm went off and he said he couldn’t be bothered. So I didn’t even have time to make an alternative plan.

OP posts:
Seeline · 12/02/2025 09:58

Oh I understand exactly what you mean!
I have always WFH, started doing so when the DCs started school so I was effectively remaining a SAHM, as I worked for myself. This was to benefit the whole family, and support DH in his career. That was 15 years ago.
DH has WFH since lockdown - supposed to be in the office 3 days a week now, but rarely is. He has no friends and no hobbies. He barely leaves the house - does the shopping on Saturday mornings, when I'm usually sorting the laundry, cleaning the kitchen etc so can't really appreciate it.
To make matters worse eldest DS graduated last summer and is only working part time in a pub (so mainly evenings) until he starts his proper job in September!
Over Christmas when DD was home from uni for Christmas I had 6 weeks with no time on my own at all. I was really suffering by the end.
We all need time to ourselves, to do what we want and relax. I have hobbies, and am out and about a fair bit, but it's not the same as having the house to yourself to sing at the top of your voice, or curl up in a chair to read without interruption or whatever.

Original poster
CitadelofRicks · 12/02/2025 09:59

LostittoBostik · 12/02/2025 09:57

How big is you home? When you both wfh do you work in separate rooms?

My DH is a shift worker so often home while I'm working, but we barely see each other let alone chat unless we have made a specific plan eg to make sure we have lunch together.

I just shut the door or our study and get on with my work. Can you not do that?

It’s a small one bedroom house. Yes I could shut the door but I can’t still hear his meetings downstairs as his voice booms. He works in our living room which you have to pass through to get to the kitchen so I’m restricted with when I can make lunch/cup of coffee as his camera is always on and I’d be in the frame. He has a long call later so I’ll be stuck upstairs

OP posts:
LostittoBostik · 12/02/2025 10:01

Ok I totally get it. We have a 4 bed house (as we have 2 kids as well) so we can quite literally ignore each other for a whole day happily. Very hard ina small property. I'm not ND but I do understand that need for a reset day

Original poster
CitadelofRicks · 12/02/2025 10:01

Seeline · 12/02/2025 09:58

Oh I understand exactly what you mean!
I have always WFH, started doing so when the DCs started school so I was effectively remaining a SAHM, as I worked for myself. This was to benefit the whole family, and support DH in his career. That was 15 years ago.
DH has WFH since lockdown - supposed to be in the office 3 days a week now, but rarely is. He has no friends and no hobbies. He barely leaves the house - does the shopping on Saturday mornings, when I'm usually sorting the laundry, cleaning the kitchen etc so can't really appreciate it.
To make matters worse eldest DS graduated last summer and is only working part time in a pub (so mainly evenings) until he starts his proper job in September!
Over Christmas when DD was home from uni for Christmas I had 6 weeks with no time on my own at all. I was really suffering by the end.
We all need time to ourselves, to do what we want and relax. I have hobbies, and am out and about a fair bit, but it's not the same as having the house to yourself to sing at the top of your voice, or curl up in a chair to read without interruption or whatever.

You have articulated my feelings perfectly. Sometimes I want to walk around humming and not have to loiter at the top of the stairs to see if he’s in a call. I don’t want to have to schedule ridiculously early or late lunches due to meeting clashes. I just want to do my work today, talk to nobody and watch Bob’s burgers

OP posts:
lemonwrighty · 12/02/2025 10:03

I completely understand you OP.

When my husband has an unexpected last minute day off on a Saturday, we end up bickering because it's my only day off in the week where I can do what I'd like, be by myself and decompress after a busy week. He has his day off on a Thursday and I'm at work so he is not disturbed and then we have a Sunday spent together.

Unfortunately your husband has decided to WFH now so best thing to do is make the most of being at home or go out so there isn't any tension and then have a chat later this evening and set some boundaries.

ILikeCheeseandBiscuits · 12/02/2025 10:05

I get it. My husband unexpectedly had to come home early and work on one of the few hours I get to myself in our busy house and I was a bit disappointed!
During those couple of hours he got in the way when I was making my lunch, then came to ask me what I had made and was I enjoying it, then offered me a drink and then needed to chat for 10 minutes about an family admin task that needed sorting.
All perfectly fine and normal activities, that he absolutely should be able to do in his home, but I just wanted to get on with my work, eat my crisps and watch my documentary without an interruption!

MakingLemonadealways · 12/02/2025 10:08

Could you swap rooms? This might at least fix the issue of you going to the kitchen when you like. The booming voice sounds annoying though! Have you tried noise cancelling earphones at all?

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