To be annoyed DP hasn’t gone in to the office?

[CitadelofRicks]

I might be a bit unreasonable but I’m so wound up. DP was meant to go into the office today but decided last minute this morning that he couldn’t be bothered and without sounding dramatic, it’s sent me over the edge. Love him dearly but I just want some peace! He’s meant to go in three days a week but it’s not really enforced. I’m fully remote so always at home. I feel like I rarely get time to myself.

If I go visit my family then obviously there’s people there but then he gets the house to himself same if I go meet friends. I get two hours to myself on Saturday morning when he’s at parkrun (if he goes) but that’s super early so I don’t really get to enjoy the alone time if you see what I mean. Anyway the reason I’m so upset today is because I only have one work call in my calendar for half an hour. I started a new role two months ago and this is the emptiest my calendar has been since I started so naturally I was looking forward to really getting to enjoy being alone. I’ve had so many early calls and training starting at 7:30 am due to time differences and I’m just exhausted and talked out.

I know some people hate days when they don’t get the chance to speak to anyone but I love them! They so rarely happen and I’m neurodiverse so desperately need time to decompress every now and then. He’s said he’ll go in tomorrow but my calendar is packed tomorrow so it makes no difference. Obviously I’m not going to force him out of his own home but AIBU to be annoyed. I’m ashamed to admit I had a quick cry in the shower this morning.

Dh and I both wfh and I do a little dance when he goes away for work!!! I get totally where you are coming from. However we have a very set day, one of us makes coffee at 10, if we have time we have a chat. Lunch is at 12:30 we have this together if we can then we do not interrupt each other again until the end of the day.

I totally get it and I'm not ND. (Though have a chronic illness where noise/people interaction can have a negative impact) My DH is around much of the time and I really struggle at times - particularly when his work days are cancelled last minute.... I have to adapt but sometimes I don't - just carry on with plans. He gets annoyed for various reasons ie he asks about lunch and I say he'll have to sort himself out, as he wasn't due to be at home and I'm not changing everything just because his plans change.
Definitely have a chat with him. Noise cancelling headphones are a good shout.
Also, if he is supposed to be in the office and doesn't go, I would just carry on as usual. If you need to go to the kitchen, do so and if you appear on his camera then he'll have to deal with it. I would be reluctant to be imprisoned in part of the house for hours each day. (I don't mean this in a tit for tat way, just he needs to understand that what he is doing isn't practical long term).
I would also be concerned he is putting himself at risk if he is supposed to be in the office a set number of days and doesn't bother it might go against him in the future.
Good luck

This isn't far off for me, and I'm sort of dreading it. But at least I won't be as restricted during the day - won't have to tiptoe round whilst he is in all-day zoom meetings, or worry about hoovering or setting the washing machine onto spin whilst he is on phone calls. If I want to have my music on, he'll have to put up with it. And I can send him out on errands....

I understand. DH and I both WFH using different rooms. If he's out for some reason while I'm working from home, it does make a difference even though my activities are still the same (partly lack of background noise, partly lack of potential or actual interruption, partly purely psychological...). I really value the days he's out at client meetings because it allows me to "breathe". Oddly, like your DP, my DH doesn't really care whether I'm out or in! I am someone who needs alone time to recharge, whereas he's not.

I get what you mean, but my DH wfh full time whereas I'm in the office half the time. I don't like going to the office, and I'd be quite hurt if I stayed home on a day I'd originally planned to be in the office and his reaction was "why is she here?? I don't want her here!"

You give the rest of WFH's a bad name. There must be other things you can get on with seeing as you're being paid and all.

I totally get this - my husband loves an unexpected WFH day, constantly popping down for chats, but I rarely get a day to myself and hate it.

I am still ferrying my teens to tech college (both ND and the publish transport to their college takes hours and only operates twice a day, so they get stuck at college 9-4 even of they only have one lesson, so become overwhelmed). We’vee had a rotating door or builders, plumbers and decorators in the house on and off for 18m, so even when the kids are at ‘school’ I have bloked crashing about the house. I’ve had to go hard and ask the decorator - last job on the house - to finish by this Friday as DH is taking DC skiing next week and I am beside myself with the need to be on my own for a week… to get up when I want, only talk to someone if I’ve invited them over, to not have other peoples mess or meals to prepare, or their moods to contend with. Everyone asks me why I don’t join them and it’s only partly because I don’t like snow sports (and the stress of travel for just a 6 day break)… it’s because a week at home alone is the absolutely best holiday I could wish for.

(And yes, I am as ND as my kids, but haven’t got round to completing the formal diagnosis bit yet!)

Well for someone who is desperate to decompress, have solitude and doesn't want to talk to a soul, especially the partner you chose... you sure do seem keen to chat away to a bunch on online strangers.

I totally understand OP. Particularly as you thought things were going to be one way, and it’s been yanked away at the last minute. Can you ask him to just give you a wide berth and not come and talk to you?

Tell me you don’t understand being an introvert / having ND without telling me…

He needs to blur his background and you walk through the house as normal, and if he objects to that say ok off you go to the office if you don’t want me walking through because I will. Those are his choices- 1. work in the office, 2. Work at home with his wife visibly wandering in and out, 3. Work at home with a blurred background so you can’t be seen.

also, talk to him. Tell him you’re struggling, and the first weekend there’s a chance you need him out of the house for 4 hours starting after 10am to be on your own at home. I’d tell my dh this, not just wait and hope he will happen to be out of the house at some time! Every now and then he takes the dc to sleep at his parents so I get a whole evening solo at home :)

Hi op
Why can't he set a background on his computer during meetings
My dh uses a library setting
Nobody would see you then

Tell me you're ignorant without telling me...

I completely get it. DH was supposed to be out last night and changed his mind last minute, I was gutted!!!!! Love him dearly but had planned Gilmore Girls and meal planning but had to be sociable instead

I’m with you OP. Husband was meant to go to the gym yesterday but stayed here instead. There was housework I’d planned to do so I’m on my knees trying to hoover under stuff with the heating pumping out whereas if I’d been on my own I’d have turned it off to crack on. Then I might say to myself “right, I’ll just take these up” with him going “eh?eh?” IM NOT TALKING TO YOOOOO! Jeez. Small thing but infuriating.

Oh I totally get it ! I’m also ND, and as others have said, just the change in plan alone would have upset me… and losing the space to yourself which you had anticipated.

i think in general you could say to him that when you are working, he needs to not come in for little chats. Seriously. My DH and I both wfh some days, but we only say hi to each other if we happen to have lunch break at same time.
If you think he will take offence, can you frame it as ‘being interrupted for a chat breaks my train of thought and it takes me ages to get back to where I was’ rather than straight up ‘I need space from you’ .
incidentally both those things would be true for me. Just because I’m not on a teams call doesn’t mean I’m not working hard ! (And for me a big advantage of wfh is being able to focus without interruptions)

I hear you OP… my DH is retired so I never get any alone time. I WFH one day a week and he’s in and out frequently asking me opinions about this and that. Last week he was building wardrobes and he kept shouting me to come upstairs and help him lift things. He doesn’t go out in the evening ever.😩

To add I’m in the office 3 days a week so he gets plenty of time on his own. He likes the radio on or has the TV on for background noise so there’s never any quiet.

Good luck with the talk! Make it about the small house, being able to use the kitchen, the noise, etc, rather than about him per se.

of course you can, people see and expect much worse on group calls. my cat walks across the screen showing her butt on a regular basis.

plus he can always put himself on mute if it's really that much of an issue. we have fire alarm tests in the middle of calls and we just mute ourselves while it's on

I disagree. Right now my main objective is training. I’m up to date with it. I won’t be assigned any actual tasks until April

Yes, it's disappointing when you'd looked forward to the day alone. However I do think its unreasonable to be annoyed with your DH for choosing to stay home when he can. It can be so much easier, more pleasant and less time consuming not to have to commute so it's unreasonable to be angry at someone WFH when they can. Sounds to me like you're feeling the pressure of your life in general and rather than this being an issue it feels a bit like a last straw. Can you talk to him about ways you could get some space each week that you knew you could definitely count on?

How mean. You and several other people on this thread.

OP has a need. I share that need. I tell the family I need time as well. Love them dearly but I need my space. I can happily spend that time on MN, because it is incredibly low-demand. My family are not.

DH sometimes wonders when DD says, "Aisha said she is getting her ears pierced" and I say, "did her dad change his mind?" How on EARTH I know these things. Ho I know her friends' names and all their dramas. It's because no one stops talking at me for a second. And I listen to them. He zones out and is 'alone' in company a lot. I am 'on' 24/7 unless they go out.

Fortunately DH understands this and does leave the house when I have a home day.

Also ND, also struggle with loss of plans I was sort of relying on for sanity.

Maybe you need a different job, more back office style where you don’t interact with so many people

@CitadelofRicks totally get it. I would be honest with him and say something like dont want to sound picky but I was really looking forward to a bit of me time after my call today, workwise not much on so wanted to chill a bit and obvs cant do that now youve decided to work from home...so seeing as you're at home you can take me for a nice lunch!. Gets you out of the house too