To be annoyed DP hasn’t gone in to the office?

[CitadelofRicks]

I might be a bit unreasonable but I’m so wound up. DP was meant to go into the office today but decided last minute this morning that he couldn’t be bothered and without sounding dramatic, it’s sent me over the edge. Love him dearly but I just want some peace! He’s meant to go in three days a week but it’s not really enforced. I’m fully remote so always at home. I feel like I rarely get time to myself.

If I go visit my family then obviously there’s people there but then he gets the house to himself same if I go meet friends. I get two hours to myself on Saturday morning when he’s at parkrun (if he goes) but that’s super early so I don’t really get to enjoy the alone time if you see what I mean. Anyway the reason I’m so upset today is because I only have one work call in my calendar for half an hour. I started a new role two months ago and this is the emptiest my calendar has been since I started so naturally I was looking forward to really getting to enjoy being alone. I’ve had so many early calls and training starting at 7:30 am due to time differences and I’m just exhausted and talked out.

I know some people hate days when they don’t get the chance to speak to anyone but I love them! They so rarely happen and I’m neurodiverse so desperately need time to decompress every now and then. He’s said he’ll go in tomorrow but my calendar is packed tomorrow so it makes no difference. Obviously I’m not going to force him out of his own home but AIBU to be annoyed. I’m ashamed to admit I had a quick cry in the shower this morning.

Ffs being in a relationship doesn’t mean you have to be together 24/7!

Christ.
The more time I spend on MN the more I feel sorry for men.

The poor bloke isn't welcome in his own home.

In no way is that what shes saying

I so dislike labels. It seems to me that they merely describe different personality types and in some ways devalue experience and abilty. I suspect strongly that people would describe me as ND - not that I am a great artist or can do mathematical calculations of complexity in my head (I think my DS can do that - but he is good at maths). I can mentally fold up a piece of paper (or used to be able to do so when I was bothered about it) and I have a tendency to check that things I know are ok are indeed ok. I dream in colour - apparently that's uncommon - but until very recently I was an observer in my dreams (just as I am the narrator if I make up a story for my entertainment - and I write stories) but ceased to be almost immediately after my DH died last year, so now quite often I am a participant.

Afaik this is all perfectly normal in the range of people's personalities. I get slightly ratty if plans are changed and I hate open ended plans and am even less accommodating of people complaining about open ended plans - but again, that is perfectly normal.
Why do we all have labels now and use them as shields?
Is the boy who is on the autistic spectrum who draws spectacularly any less of a great artist? It's very likely that artists in the past would be labelled by us as ASD. That they were, it seems to me, somewhat devalues their art - it's not because they were wonderful at painting it's because they were neuro-diverse. Not their achievement at all. A bad path to follow.
OP would not have her decompression needs etc worked round were she in an office setting. People would just think she was a right pain and avoid her. The world is not as accommodating as some MNetters think and we mostly expect people to behave in ways that fit in with how things are.
That all said OP's DH should go into the office. Apparently he is some sort of civil servant and will be up for reviews, promotion boards etc. His non-appearance will show up, not to his advantage.

Fair point.
There are times when he is not welcome on his own home.

I think people need to understand that not everyone wants the same company around24/7 -even if in a relationship , many sociable people don't- including me.

This is why for many people ( not all) then both working at home full time really doesn't work , especially if it's the kind of job where you are literally stuck in the house all day and have very little room. I appreciate it helps if you have young kids and is good for finances if not commuting but I think it does bugger all socially for many marriages

He isn’t just ‘being’ in his own home though is he? The op is blocked upstairs, trying to ignore the sound of his voice on calls and changing her lunch plans to time with his calls.

I don't think @CitadelofRicks is saying her dh is not welcome in his own home, @Leafy74. She needs some solitary time, to recharge her batteries - as I said in an earlier post, if you need solitary time to recharge, and you don't get it, you can easily burn out.

It seems as if some people think she doesn't have the right to have needs of her own, to state those needs, or to ask her dh to accommodate those needs - but if she can't state her needs or get them fulfilled, her mental health will suffer - is that a sacrifice she is supposed to make?

Yes, she's basically stuck in her bedroom. It does not sound fun.

"OP would not have her decompression needs etc worked round were she in an office setting. People would just think she was a right pain and avoid her. The world is not as accommodating as some MNetters think and we mostly expect people to behave in ways that fit in with how things are"

Clearly you either do not live in the UK or you have no knowledge of The Disability Discrimination Act 1995, an Act of the Parliament of the United Kingdom which has now been repealed and replaced by the Equality Act 2010, except in Northern Ireland where the Act still applies.

There are thousands of people who are given accommodations in the workplace which enable them to participate as full working members of society. These are enshrined rights for people who have special needs and it is a serious matter for any employer, superior or colleague to deny a person agreed accommodations.

Expecting someone "to behave in ways that fit in with how things are" is a discriminatory attitude that you might be well advised to keep quiet about, lest you be accused of being a workplace bully.

That is clearly not what they meant. Having expected a quiet work day themselves, looked forward to, and made plans for, having some much needed alone time. For that to be taken away at a moment's notice IS the point.

I hear you OP. Used to feel the same when my kids were young and I was a SAHM, DH worked v long hours. Maybe you could have said to partner, I'd really appreciate it if you did go to the office today as planned, because you changing your plans affects mine. If your partner does not appreciate your need for, nor allow you the alone time, you have a bigger problem.

The fact that DP has 3hour long calls, is directly affecting your ability to WFH. It is unacceptable that you're forced to stay in the bedroom for those calls, you should be able to get up and walk away from your monitors for regular breaks. He needs to get headphones and turn his monitor away, so you can freely use the kitchen. Or better still he can go to the office like he's meant to!

Sounds like you’ve both handled it well. Good on you for a constructive conversation and your DP for understanding.

I know this isn’t exclusively a ND thing, but I have ADHD and I completely get it. People who don’t get overwhelmed so easily don’t understand the importance of shutting the front door and knowing no-one will come through for six hours and you have that time to fully decompress - especially if you have a social hangover.

It’s not about your DP having no right to be in your home, it’s about your need for decompression in a safe space and it sounds like you’ve been able to articulate that and he’s agreed to work with you to accommodate it.

Absolutely - and it’s why so many ND struggle in the workplace. I masked and pretended it was all fine when I was in an office but the cost to my wellbeing was HUGE. I ended up becoming self employed.

I feel sorry for him. It’s his home!

That does sound tricky to navigate. Could you buy a free-standing screen to place behind him so you can still go into the kitchen etc? maybe he should work in the bedroom on some days instead? can you wear noise-cancelling headphones so you can't hear his loud voice so much?

For all the people saying it’s his home, it’s my home too! It’s not a crime to want it to myself every now and then. He’s not going in at all this week as he has training but has promised to go in next week. The training consists of calls that go on for hours so today he turned the desk round so I couldn’t be seen walking past and it worked ok

I 100% get this. Last week my partner said to me I assume we are going out on Friday?(Valentines) I said No thanks can I have a night in on my own please, that's what I really want!

I am very introverted and have had a stressful busy few weeks including having family to stay the previous weekend and I desperately needed some alone time!

Could you set some boundaries with him for next time e.g. you need a quiet day min once a week?

While I am not in your situation @CitadelofRicks , you have my utmost sympathy.

Not least because of the numbers of posters who apparently can't (or can't be bothered) reading what you express with complete clarity. And no, I don't mean disagree wth.

All the best.

That's great OP, this is the adjustment that he should have made anyway, I'm glad he is doing it now!

A minimum requirement of working from home should be that the other person is free to use their home as a home and make use of all the space.

Oh my goodness! I can absolutely relate! My husband works from home pretty much the whole time and so often he tells me he’s got to go to this meeting or that meeting or on a work trip and then at the last minute cancels it all or the plans change and they just don’t happen. The disappointment I feel is overwhelming! Like you say, he’s lovely but I always feel like I’m being watched and I hate having to explain what I’m doing, where I’m going who I’m seeing all the time. I just want some peace and quiet and to have the house to myself.

I know it sounds weird, but it absolutely does make A difference, the dynamics in the house are just different when there is someone else in it.

Absolutely this! I am also ND and my DH just does not understand as he’s quite happy to be around people all of the time whereas I really need some solitude several times a week. I think the mental drain of having ADHD is so emotionally exhausting. I just need to be alone for some of the time.

Does he give you the alone time you need, even though he doesn't understand why you need it, @AmIEnough? I hope so.