To be annoyed DP hasn’t gone in to the office?

[CitadelofRicks]

I might be a bit unreasonable but I’m so wound up. DP was meant to go into the office today but decided last minute this morning that he couldn’t be bothered and without sounding dramatic, it’s sent me over the edge. Love him dearly but I just want some peace! He’s meant to go in three days a week but it’s not really enforced. I’m fully remote so always at home. I feel like I rarely get time to myself.

If I go visit my family then obviously there’s people there but then he gets the house to himself same if I go meet friends. I get two hours to myself on Saturday morning when he’s at parkrun (if he goes) but that’s super early so I don’t really get to enjoy the alone time if you see what I mean. Anyway the reason I’m so upset today is because I only have one work call in my calendar for half an hour. I started a new role two months ago and this is the emptiest my calendar has been since I started so naturally I was looking forward to really getting to enjoy being alone. I’ve had so many early calls and training starting at 7:30 am due to time differences and I’m just exhausted and talked out.

I know some people hate days when they don’t get the chance to speak to anyone but I love them! They so rarely happen and I’m neurodiverse so desperately need time to decompress every now and then. He’s said he’ll go in tomorrow but my calendar is packed tomorrow so it makes no difference. Obviously I’m not going to force him out of his own home but AIBU to be annoyed. I’m ashamed to admit I had a quick cry in the shower this morning.

I think it would not be relaxing for OP, though? I wouldn't want people seeing me if I was slobbing around in house clothes

Surely the more professional thing would be to notify your boss your workload is light and ask if there's anything additional you can take on?
Stuff like this is why people are people told we have to come into the office more 🙄

most people blur their backgrounds

Oh I get this! ADHD here and I LOVE my 2 empty house working from home days. Surely he gets it? My husband understands my adhd now and would gladly escape for a bit if I needed some decompression time. You need time to 'unpeople' as I call it. Can he go and work from Costa for a bit? He needs to understand it though, do you talk to him about this sort of stuff? No way I'd be crying in the shower quietly about this.

My call finished early so I had a chat with him. I told him I need at least one day a week alone as I never get it. If I go out it’s always to see other people/family so I’m never truly alone whereas he is. Him going out occasionally in the evening isn’t the same as that’s when I typically get on with other jobs after work so I never really get time to relax in solitude. He said he understood and he didn’t mean to upset me which of course I know. I told him it’s nothing personal and I love him to to bits, I just don’t always want to be around people. He said if I need to come downstairs then he’ll quickly turn off his camera so I can go past. Thank you to those who can sympathise, it’s nice to know others get I’m not being a bitch, I just need to recharge

My mil used to absolutely dread my fil retiring, and then he basically just took up a chair and sat in it all day and night.
I'm so lucky my DH has an outdoor hobby, just hope he's fit enough to continue with it by then!

To be honest I’m not worried about retirement. His father is retired and has so many hobbies and DP has mentioned he’d like his retirement to look the same so I’m hoping it won’t be a problem. I plan to do my own thing then as well whilst still carving out time for us to do things together

Glad you had a good chat and he was receptive OP. I am exactly the same- I am ND and love my alone time, so if I'm expected it and plans change it really throws me. My DP understands though and will still make himself scarce as much as he can, or will see to it that I get alone time another time instead. Being able to communicate about this stuff is the key, so glad you're able to do that.

Anyway we’ve talked and hugged it out so hopefully he’ll stick to going in to the office more

This rather depends on the culture of the place you work at and the type of meeting concerned surely?

Team meeting may be OK - although may be not ideal for the person trying to sneak passed unnoticed.
Board meeting or ExCo or with potential new clients/customers - probably not so much.

And for the person whose home has been turned into someone else's office - it's quite hard to know the difference.

This is the reason why I developed the habit of staying up late every night- just to get time to myself!

I don't get all these people givinv you a hard time. I work from home and am self employed and even if I'm working really hard, it's different on days I'm here alone vs days DH is here too. It just is.

And for people like us, finding the balance between what's reasonable to ask our partner and what's not can be hard. For example, I'd never tell DH he can't be here during the day (he works ot of the house but on a shift basis) but I'd love it sometimes. But there have been times when I've planned to take some time to myself when I know he's going to be at work and if he changed his schedule for some reason (assumeing he knew my plans), I'd be really upset.

I know a woman who was in a pretty awful controlling relationship with a very needy man. She FINALLY ended it but the "last straw" moment was when she had a long weekend off work. Family weekend, and he had the day off on one of the week days so they spent it together on a nice day out.... then on the last day which she'd been looking forward to as her day alone, she'd just settled down on the sofa with a coffee, a cheesy movie and a home manicure kit and he walked in. ... he claimed his boss had spontaneously offered him the day off but she realised he'd booked it (or called in sick) and then lied to her, all so she wouldn't be alone because he HATED her having alone time . And then he huffed and puffed at her for the rest of the day when she lost her temper and told him she just wanted to be alone.

She finally ended it a few weeks after that.

I’m also ND and need my alone time (no matter how much I love someone) so understand where you’re coming from. But you’re making this harder than it needs to be.

There’s some basic ‘hygiene’ you and your DP need to be following if you’re both wfh. You need to get some noise cancelling headphones so he doesn’t disturb you so much. He needs to learn to moderate his volume (I suspect his office colleagues will appreciate a reduction in his booming voice too). And he needs to use a background when he’s on video calls so you can walk through to the kitchen whenever you want. Or quite frankly you need to just own it and walk through regardless. So his colleagues see you going to the kitchen. Unless you’re naked, so what? You shouldn’t be trapped upstairs and the only person trapping you is you. Even if he’s on a call with Donald Trump, it’s not going to be an issue if you walk past in your own house.

Glad you seem to have sorted things out.

This post reminds me of why I love living alone. I often wonder how people with lively family situations cope because I love coming home after a long day and shutting my door and wallowing in the peace and quiet. So I really feel for you op. Perhaps you should tell your DH that you would value some time to yourself. I hope you get the opportunity for that in the near future.

Can't you go out? Have along walk or something on your own

I envy you a little to be honest. I think my feelings were compounded because I’ve never lived alone. My ex was also remote and I lived with family before and after that relationship. My mother is remote and so were my siblings at the time so I literally don’t know what it’s like to have a good few days to yourself.

I bet the neighbours hate his booming work voice too. Why does he speak so loudly? Is he hosting these meetings?

Ha to be fair to him that’s just how his voice is. He’s not domineering or anything he just has no concept of an inside voice

I honestly think if you are both working from home it takes a very particular kind of set up/ relationship for that to work - in my view no wonder so many retired people look really miserable - all this 24/7 ness really doesn't work for me. I accept others like it / are fine with it . I could work at home but don't as H does-

He’s probably sick of you being at home too.

@CitadelofRicks Good for you OP. Im so pleased you told him, you and your time matter and being honest is the only way to get this across and he great he understood. Here's to your next empty house day 👌

Also those going on about WFH perps giving it a bad name....Im so more productive at home than in the office!

In my mind you are YABVU. What gives you the right to the house. If he is at home within his jobs flexibility then he has every right to be there too.

If you are not happy with him being there then it's on you to change the situation

of course you are BU

Why can't he need to be at home just as much as you need to be alone?
Being home and in an office are totally different.

Why is it up to him to leave the house so YOU have all the peace and quiet?

You are not unreasonable to want alone time, but you are an adult, it's up to you to manage it. Find alternative choices so he can be home and you can have alone time.

Reverse it, if he was asking you to be out of the house a few days a week, how would you feel!

I hear you, OP, I understand that is matters to you whether he is in the house or not. Not sure why people tend to think it makes no difference that you are working.

It’s not a light workload though. It’s intense training. I just did extra to be ahead of schedule so I could make the most of the quiet day today. I don’t see why you’re so concerned about how I make use of my day. My manager and supervisor are happy with me and that’s what matters. I never did a full days work in the office either due to constant distractions.