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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed DP hasn’t gone in to the office?

353 replies

CitadelofRicks · 12/02/2025 09:42

I might be a bit unreasonable but I’m so wound up. DP was meant to go into the office today but decided last minute this morning that he couldn’t be bothered and without sounding dramatic, it’s sent me over the edge. Love him dearly but I just want some peace! He’s meant to go in three days a week but it’s not really enforced. I’m fully remote so always at home. I feel like I rarely get time to myself.

If I go visit my family then obviously there’s people there but then he gets the house to himself same if I go meet friends. I get two hours to myself on Saturday morning when he’s at parkrun (if he goes) but that’s super early so I don’t really get to enjoy the alone time if you see what I mean. Anyway the reason I’m so upset today is because I only have one work call in my calendar for half an hour. I started a new role two months ago and this is the emptiest my calendar has been since I started so naturally I was looking forward to really getting to enjoy being alone. I’ve had so many early calls and training starting at 7:30 am due to time differences and I’m just exhausted and talked out.

I know some people hate days when they don’t get the chance to speak to anyone but I love them! They so rarely happen and I’m neurodiverse so desperately need time to decompress every now and then. He’s said he’ll go in tomorrow but my calendar is packed tomorrow so it makes no difference. Obviously I’m not going to force him out of his own home but AIBU to be annoyed. I’m ashamed to admit I had a quick cry in the shower this morning.

OP posts:
Winederlust · 12/02/2025 10:09

Do you not have separate spaces to work in? Especially give you have calls? Are there not privacy considerations?

On the days DH and I both work at home we are not in the same room and are generally getting on with our respective jobs so don't have time to chat.

It would do my head in if we had to work in the same space!

Original poster
CitadelofRicks · 12/02/2025 10:10

MakingLemonadealways · 12/02/2025 10:08

Could you swap rooms? This might at least fix the issue of you going to the kitchen when you like. The booming voice sounds annoying though! Have you tried noise cancelling earphones at all?

We could but I prefer being upstairs to be honest as I have two screens and the bedroom accommodates that. I’ll have to purchase some noise cancelling headphones.

OP posts:
biscuitsandbooks · 12/02/2025 10:11

You're absolutely not being unreasonable.

I'm autistic and this would genuinely really upset me - I hate it when plans change last minute, especially if it means I no longer get that essential time alone to decompress and relax my mind. I find it really stressful to be "on" and talking all the time.

Thankfully although DH is more of a chatter, he does understand and will listen if I firmly tell him to bugger off for a while 🤣

I think if you're one of those people who doesn't need alone time for their sanity, you'll never understand what it's like to be one of those people who do!

NeedthatFridayfeeling · 12/02/2025 10:11

I get it OP, i love it when my husband is in the office and i'm at home alone, the house is silent, no random chatter.
He hates being home alone so hates when i go in.

Original poster
CitadelofRicks · 12/02/2025 10:12

Winederlust · 12/02/2025 10:09

Do you not have separate spaces to work in? Especially give you have calls? Are there not privacy considerations?

On the days DH and I both work at home we are not in the same room and are generally getting on with our respective jobs so don't have time to chat.

It would do my head in if we had to work in the same space!

We’re in separate rooms but it’s a very small house and noise travels. He works for the civil service so sometimes they have calls as long as three hours which means I’m limited to upstairs so can’t even go down to make a drink or get a snack

OP posts:
Disturbia81 · 12/02/2025 10:13

CitadelofRicks · 12/02/2025 09:45

Nope he loves it when I’m home as he doesn’t like not speaking to anyone in person all day. We’re very different in that respect

Yeah I find men in general more needy, and women needing space. That's my own experiences though. I seperated and rediscovered how much I love my own space after years of not having it, I get itchy if an adult is in my space too long now. I know that's an extreme solution 😂 this would annoy me OP, I think an honest chat is needed.

Judystilldreamsofhorses · 12/02/2025 10:13

I also get it, OP. My partner usually works away about 30% of the time, and for operational reasons hasn’t travelled since October. He’s been WFH a lot in that time.

My WFH day is a Monday, and then I don’t work on a Wednesday (only do four days) and it drives me mad if he doesn’t go in on those days. Often he says he will then snoozes the alarm and ends up WFH. I work from the kitchen table and he always wants to make a coffee or get a snack just as I’m about to do a call!

Today he’s gone in and even shut the cat in the kitchen so I could sleep in. I love him dearly but I also love time by myself. I’m not ND but I have a very people-y job and need time to be on my own to balance it out.

Original poster
CitadelofRicks · 12/02/2025 10:13

biscuitsandbooks · 12/02/2025 10:11

You're absolutely not being unreasonable.

I'm autistic and this would genuinely really upset me - I hate it when plans change last minute, especially if it means I no longer get that essential time alone to decompress and relax my mind. I find it really stressful to be "on" and talking all the time.

Thankfully although DH is more of a chatter, he does understand and will listen if I firmly tell him to bugger off for a while 🤣

I think if you're one of those people who doesn't need alone time for their sanity, you'll never understand what it's like to be one of those people who do!

Yup that’s exactly how I describe it and why I love no longer being in the office. I’d have to be “on” all day and feel emotionally exhausted by the end of the day. The constant chatter annoyed me so much.

OP posts:
Creameded · 12/02/2025 10:14

OP, you need to use your words.
You should have told him that today was a light day and that you wanted to be alone so you would appreciate if he went into the office.

Spell it out.
If you cannot do that then you have a huge issue in your relationship.
Do not have children with someone you cannot be honest with.

wingsspan · 12/02/2025 10:14

Have you spoken to him about this, OP?

If you are neurodivergent then presumably he knows this about you. It's quite reasonable for you to say that you really thrive when you know what to expect and like it when everybody sticks to their plans as much as possible.

However, if it's a one off, you do need to be a bit flexible too. It's his home as well and we all have days when we struggle and need a rest at home.

Disturbia81 · 12/02/2025 10:15

Ps and I'm not ND.

Fairyliz · 12/02/2025 10:16

I don’t want to add to your gloom op but wait until you retire; they never bloody leave the house.

Sorry!

Hollyhocksandlarkspur · 12/02/2025 10:18

OP can you make some snacks and a flask of coffee/drinks to take back upstairs when he is not on his call and thrn you won’t have to worry about walking past. Also talk to him anout his and your own preferences and find a better way to communicate so fair to both. Can he turn his screen so he sits against a wall instead and thrn you can quietly pass by?

Can you install a garden studio so you have a bolt hole for when you need space? Or find a lovely cafe where you can sit in a quiet corner. It is fine to articulate what you need.

Winederlust · 12/02/2025 10:18

I'm surprised that his govt dept isn't enforcing the 60% office time tbh...it's very strict where I am!

The last minute change of plans would really get on my nerves too. It's normal to be frustrated when you've been looking forward to something and your plans are scuppered.

I do think you need to have a frank chat with him about the situation, so he can understand your needs and feelings and work through some sort of ground rules for wfh.

Original poster
CitadelofRicks · 12/02/2025 10:20

Winederlust · 12/02/2025 10:18

I'm surprised that his govt dept isn't enforcing the 60% office time tbh...it's very strict where I am!

The last minute change of plans would really get on my nerves too. It's normal to be frustrated when you've been looking forward to something and your plans are scuppered.

I do think you need to have a frank chat with him about the situation, so he can understand your needs and feelings and work through some sort of ground rules for wfh.

I’m surprised as well as another family member works in the same organisation and it’s enforced. My call is in ten minutes for half an hour and then I’m going to have a chat with him. He said last year he’d go in more to give me space but it hasn’t happened and I’m getting frustrated.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 12/02/2025 10:21

I completely understand OP. I need time to decompress and not be 'on' all of the time. Husband gets it. Im lucky as my job is unsociable hours so I get a few hours during the day just to rattle around the house 3 days a week.

I personally would not be considerate of his work today. Go and use the kitchen if you want. If you make it serene for him, he'll keep doing it.

JimHalpertsWife · 12/02/2025 10:23

Slobberchops1 · 12/02/2025 09:50

If you find having your partner around so a annoying perhaps you should live alone

Introverts are allowed to have relationships and live with people you know?

Part of living with someone you live is recognising "my dp needs a little bit of time to themselves to recharge and because I love them I can delay with that"

Original poster
CitadelofRicks · 12/02/2025 10:23

Hollyhocksandlarkspur · 12/02/2025 10:18

OP can you make some snacks and a flask of coffee/drinks to take back upstairs when he is not on his call and thrn you won’t have to worry about walking past. Also talk to him anout his and your own preferences and find a better way to communicate so fair to both. Can he turn his screen so he sits against a wall instead and thrn you can quietly pass by?

Can you install a garden studio so you have a bolt hole for when you need space? Or find a lovely cafe where you can sit in a quiet corner. It is fine to articulate what you need.

Unfortunately we don’t have a garden. If we did then that would definitely be an option. Ill
look into getting a flask. Unfortunately he can’t turn his screen as then the desk would take up too much space if that makes sense. The house is a starter house so it’s very small. We don’t have much space at all unfortunately.

OP posts:
Original poster
CitadelofRicks · 12/02/2025 10:24

gamerchick · 12/02/2025 10:21

I completely understand OP. I need time to decompress and not be 'on' all of the time. Husband gets it. Im lucky as my job is unsociable hours so I get a few hours during the day just to rattle around the house 3 days a week.

I personally would not be considerate of his work today. Go and use the kitchen if you want. If you make it serene for him, he'll keep doing it.

I’ve been a bit frosty with him this morning which I do feel bad about but I’m sick of never being alone. I’m going to have a chat with him at 11.

OP posts:
HelmholtzWatson · 12/02/2025 10:25

CitadelofRicks · 12/02/2025 09:47

I don’t have any training or anything to do today and the tasks I have would only take 2 hours max so I was going to have the rest of the day to myself.

So you're getting paid a full day's pay for doing two hours work, and you're still upset because you can't spend the rest of the day tossing it off on the sofa?

DragonfliesAboveYourBed · 12/02/2025 10:26

Squidgemoon · 12/02/2025 09:54

I get it OP, my DH is much more needy than me and I crave alone time too (and I am not ND). He’s a SAHD so I get hardly any, whereas he gets the 3 days a week I’m in the office! He does have nights out a few times a month and a club he goes to one evening a week and I really look forward to having the house to myself on those evenings, and would feel disappointed if he cancelled and stayed in, so YANBU.

He’s a SAHD so I get hardly any, whereas he gets the 3 days a week I’m in the office!

How old are your children?

Grammarnut · 12/02/2025 10:32

CitadelofRicks · 12/02/2025 09:47

I don’t have any training or anything to do today and the tasks I have would only take 2 hours max so I was going to have the rest of the day to myself.

So you plan on having a bit of paid leave without anyone knowing? This is what gets WFH a bad reputation. What you ought to be doing is preparing for tomorrow, and doing admin tasks, not decompressing - you do that on your own time.
Anyway, why would you see DP? If you both WFH you must have separate work areas? You might meet for lunch, perhaps?
NB If DP regularly does not go into the office when he has said he would he might find this mentioned on his next performance review - not appreciatively, either. But that's on him.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 12/02/2025 10:33

CitadelofRicks · 12/02/2025 09:57

Thank you for your responses. I’m glad some people get where I’m coming from. Last minute changes to plans really unsettle me. He’s being saying for a few days he was going in today and it lined up perfectly with my empty calendar. Then this morning his alarm went off and he said he couldn’t be bothered. So I didn’t even have time to make an alternative plan.

I'd feel exactly the same! (I'm also ND, so maybe it is an 'us' thing)

Squidgemoon · 12/02/2025 10:35

DragonfliesAboveYourBed · 12/02/2025 10:26

He’s a SAHD so I get hardly any, whereas he gets the 3 days a week I’m in the office!

How old are your children?

Show quote history

School aged! So he gets the whole school day to himself. (Not a moan about him, he does the housework and all the life admin etc … this is purely about “alone time”!)

biscuitsandbooks · 12/02/2025 10:35

@CitadelofRicks emotionally exhausted is exactly it!

The fact that some people see our need for alone time as a personal attack on them makes it even harder IMO.