To be annoyed DP hasn’t gone in to the office?

[CitadelofRicks]

I might be a bit unreasonable but I’m so wound up. DP was meant to go into the office today but decided last minute this morning that he couldn’t be bothered and without sounding dramatic, it’s sent me over the edge. Love him dearly but I just want some peace! He’s meant to go in three days a week but it’s not really enforced. I’m fully remote so always at home. I feel like I rarely get time to myself.

If I go visit my family then obviously there’s people there but then he gets the house to himself same if I go meet friends. I get two hours to myself on Saturday morning when he’s at parkrun (if he goes) but that’s super early so I don’t really get to enjoy the alone time if you see what I mean. Anyway the reason I’m so upset today is because I only have one work call in my calendar for half an hour. I started a new role two months ago and this is the emptiest my calendar has been since I started so naturally I was looking forward to really getting to enjoy being alone. I’ve had so many early calls and training starting at 7:30 am due to time differences and I’m just exhausted and talked out.

I know some people hate days when they don’t get the chance to speak to anyone but I love them! They so rarely happen and I’m neurodiverse so desperately need time to decompress every now and then. He’s said he’ll go in tomorrow but my calendar is packed tomorrow so it makes no difference. Obviously I’m not going to force him out of his own home but AIBU to be annoyed. I’m ashamed to admit I had a quick cry in the shower this morning.

If I was single then I would but I don’t what that now. It’s not that I don’t want him around at all, just a tiny bit less as I do love him dearly. I just also love a bit of solitude.

If that works for you, great. But one of the things I find so frustrating is not getting time at HOME alone. When the DC were small it used to drive me crazy - DH, bless him, had absolutely no issues if I announced I needed downtime and was leaving him with the DC for afternoon. But he could NOT get his head round the fact that I'd have sold my left arm for the opportunity to have a few hours at home alone while HE took the kids out. And when he DID take them out, it was such a productiona nd a palaver.

Honestly, the best thing that's happened to me is my children getting older! Often they're out or DH takes one and the other one is off somewhere and I actually get time at home alone. It might be that I'm doing some cooking or a few chores, btu I can potter in peace and quiet and it's glorious.

I’m with you too @CitadelofRicks
There is something about an empty house that is quite particular. For me it’s extremely restful (an no I’m not ND as others have suggested)

I also think that being together in the same house 24/7 is hard work. Even if you’re both working. Having a break from each other is nice tbh. And you end up being THE person Theyre socialising with all the time. It’s not good either tbh.

You just don’t get it. Fair enough, but if you can’t relate you have no idea what OP means. I can relate and understand exactly where she is coming from.

My DP didn’t get it either. When I first mentioned it last year he looked at me like I had two heads. Thankfully he saw where I was coming from today. It’s cold but a cinema trip could be nice today as I will be alone tomorrow despite having a calendar full of calls. Not ideal but better than nothing unfortunately.

Oh I remember that thread!
There is that too.

But YOU are the one being around!

If it's that important, the onus is on YOU to find an alternate solution. You don't get to tell the other adult: can you leave the house and not be here for a few days, just because.

YOU find yourself a quiet meeting room, serviced office also rent them by the hour or the day you know.

You are creating such an unpleasant environment, if he has to have a strict schedule because of YOU. He must know what he has going on at work, you are beyond unreasonable to expect him to have no flexibility and not be able to decide on the day if he's working from home or not if he has the choice!

Go for a walk or something if you need silence and being alone.

There's nothing wrong with needing space, but it's so childish and petulant to expect others to bend backward to accommodate YOU. If you are so adult and independent, good, prove it and organise your own time. It's not YOUR house though, you are sharing it...

Wow that’s interesting to read because I am exactly the same! If someone’s in the house i just seem to stagnate, but if I have a few days by myself I’m like superwoman!

Yes, it’s definitely a lot. Even though I love being around him I don’t think it’s natural for a couple to spend so much time together. Pre Covid we would have both been in the office so we would have had a chance to breathe a bit. It’s the way of the world but I wouldn’t swap it for anything as 5 days in the office was truly hell for me. It’s what pushed me to get a diagnosis as I was really struggling

Why haven't you had a talk with him before about your need to be alone, and not being able to walk past him if he's on a call?

It seems like he is totally sympathetic and is trying to be accommodating by turning his screen/mic off if you go past. Maybe he could sit in a different position altogether so that you can come and go without him needing to interrupt anything?

I'm not getting at you OP, but you could have saved yourself 2 hours of chat on the internet!

but why her needs to be alone, which she can do elsewhere, trumps his needs to be HOME and not in an office?

Not everyone enjoys being going to an office full time, why can't people get that?

I am an introvert, and there is only so much peopley-ness I can take, @CitadelofRicks, so I understand completely where you are coming from.

Would your dh understand, if you explained it to him, and told him that you need solitary time, to recharge your batteries?

Honestly, the best thing that's happened to me is my children getting older! Often they're out or DH takes one and the other one is off somewhere and I actually get time at home alone. It might be that I'm doing some cooking or a few chores, btu I can potter in peace and quiet and it's glorious.

Mine have come full circle - one graduated but no proper job yet so back at home working late shifts in a pub, the other at uni. She was home for 6 weeks over Christmas.

I didn't have a moment to myself the whole 6 weeks as they were never all out at the same time, and DH had taken leave over the Christmas period too.

The day I took DD back to uni I had the shittiest drive home - took hours longer than it should have done. I was consoling myself with the fact that I would have the evening to myself as amazingly DH was going out and DS was working a shift. I nearly cried when I eventually got home to DH announcing that he didn't feel like going out and DS saying his shift had been cancelled.

Much sympathy OP, it would drive me mad as well.
According to one small study, introverts easily understand that extroverts need lots of stimulation and contact with other people, but extroverts find it very hard to believe that introverts need time on their own.
You may need to keep reiterating to DH how important your alone time is and that going into the office regularly is a positive thing he can do to make you happy!

I am not ND (as far as I know), but I crave time alone, seek it out and turn into a right pig if it's taken away from me.
I don't think this is a specific trait to ND people.

I also WFH. DS2 is nearly 16 so no trouble at all, but he's just here and I cannot lose myself completely in my work. This is probably more of an issue for me as I've been a lone parent for many years and even when they're great lumps you don't really switch off entirely.

It throws me if he's home from school ill (rare) or changes his after school plans (gym, revision, girlfriend) and comes straight home. I think it's the change in plans which unsettles me. I know he'll be here a lot more during 1/2 term studying obviously and that doesn't faze me at all, it's just when I think I've got a stretch of alone time and it's rudely taken away.

He doesn't disturb me at all, that's not the issue.

You’re being unreasonable. If you dislike him that much why are you together? You’re meant to be working and you’re in separate rooms!

For it to make you cry says you’ve got some major relationship issues!!

Again, you seem to be wilfully misunderstanding. I have NO CHOICE but to be at home. He does. He has an office he can go to and he’s meant to three times a week! So it’s up to him to accommodate the alone time as he actually has somewhere to work from and is contractually obliged to work there! The onus is on the person that has a choice and he clearly agrees with me as he promised to go in more. You seem to annoyed on his behalf despite him not being annoyed! He admitted it’s good to show his face so what exactly is your issue? The environment at home is fine.

Our relationship is fine thanks. Went engagement ring shopping not long ago so we clearly like each other enough to make it official in the eyes of the law.

Its not just personal space though is it? Him being there is restricting your use of the rest of the house. Hes fine as hes working to his own schedule but it means you also need to work around him just to make a cup of tea or have lunch etc. I would ask him to trade rooms with you for a day so he can see the impact it has on you. Make sure you pick a busy one when you've lots of calls.

I completely understand that some people need more alone time than others, that's not the issue.

You don't tell your partner that they have to find a way to be out of the house several days a week. Imagine if the husband was saying that to his wife!

You want to be alone? Find an office, a meeting room, an outside work space, go for a walk, a weekend away, go for a drive, a run, a solo trail or camping trip. Or simply live alone.

But when you decide to share a home with someone, you just don't tell they are not allowed in their own home.

The weird thing is I’m the extrovert and he’s the introvert! I’m usually quite social which is why i crave alone time to recharge my batteries. I feel like I’m always “on” and it gets exhausting after a while

I absolutely get it. Sometimes I love the fact that a WFH day coincides and we are there together. But mostly I arrange my WFH on a day he's in the office.

We have to have a talk soon as we are both thinking of dropping a day at work and he's assumed it'll be the same day...

I'm very good at keeping myself amused - he likes company.

We get on fine.

It’s hard to explain to someone who can’t relate. She thought she was going to be alone that day because her dh was supposed to go in the office. She was looking forward to having the house to herself.

Dayuse.co.uk can come in handy for escapes if you need it.

I use it when I need to feel like I've gone on holiday but really haven't got time (just the change of scenery for a few hours).

I get you OP; we all enjoy time on our own. I take it in turns with DH and normally try to stick to my days.