Did I handle this situation wrongly? Man at train station

[Allthewayinbatterycity]

I was in the waiting room at a busy station and a lad who looked to be in his early 20s was standing at the door with his hands down the front of his trousers. I looked to make sure it wasn't pockets but it definitely wasn't.

I am just a bit fed up of what I've seen recently from predominantly men on public transport. Loud sniffing/snorting every 2 seconds, farting, burping, spitting. Most are not like this but it's hard to take the train these days without any of the above.

Anyway I said to the man quietly, why do you have your hands down your trousers in a public area, that's disgusting.
With hindsight I should've just reported him to the train staff. He started shouting at me and I just walked off. But as I say I maybe should've just reported it.

It's not illegal but there are plenty of things that are not illegal that are a bit grim. I get the argument about he might then touch door handles and the train door button but then again nobody should be eating a sandwich after touching a train door button anyway, it's common sense that you need to wash your hands thoroughly first.

Some people are just oblivious to those around them. Personally I'd find a train carriage full of football thugs more indimidating than a single person with their hands in their trousers.

The trouble is when you tackle someone you don't know how they will react. You also don't know the full story, just what you can see. If someone is clearly masturbating, call the police. But someone doing something that is just unpleasant to see, not much you can do about that. You don't know the situation, maybe he just needed to "put the boys back in the barracks" as Alan Partridge might say. You don't know if he has a mental illness. It's risky "tearing someone a new arsehole" in this day and age, if it turns out they have an illness (that you couldn't have known about) then YOU will be deemed at fault if it gets out into the public domain.

It's a consequence of the "live and let live" world we live in. We're not meant to judge or criticise people for being different or acting in a socially abnormal way. If it's not illegal, it's allowed.

I mean I think it's socially unacceptable for someone to use public transport if they have a cold. But it's not illegal so I don't call people out on it.

So if I'm in good spirits and decide to start loudly bellowing a song out on the 7.50 to London Paddington that's ok is it? Absolute unhinged behaviour.

I think the football singing is intimidatory. It's pack behavior, not just high spirits. I'm not saying that individually, those men are all aggressive or intimidating, but people in a pack (or mob) behave very differently to individuals.

The football fan thing really extends to any group where drinking is involved e.g. hen dos, concert goers. Generally it’s good natured even if it’s intrusive and annoying but situations like that can be very volatile and turn in an instant.

It's gross and it all feeds into the culture of men feeling entitled to do what they want. It's part of a wider societal issue of antisocial pricks doing whatever the fuck they want and everyone being too scared to call them out.

I don't know what the solution is - it almost needs to be a collective decision of everyone decent to start standing to them and agreeing we'll all support and call it out when someone does!

Very true. It's all pack mentality/behaviour.

Also, I hate the football fans.

Your personal space extends to audio space. Encroaching on someone's personal audio space is as bad as encroaching on their physical space. It's just being selfish and not caring about the impact you have on other people.

Providing they keep their hands to themselves, I really couldn’t care less where they put them.

So a man masturbating is ok?

Also, since it is supposed to be a sign that they are carrying a gun, is that also OK for the other poster I wonder? I think for either masturbation in public and carrying a gun the police is the correct person to alert. Maybe that would teach the little scroats to stop being gross or intimidating.

The reason men behave like this is because nowadays so many people go “avert your eyes” or “ you can’t police people’s behaviour”.
The reason people generally behaved properly in public in the past was exactly because the general public believed in a minimum standard of civic behaviour and many strangers would let you know if you didn’t meet this.
As for reporting anyone to rail staff I say ha! I complained recently to a bus driver about a gang of really rowdy kids on the bus who were intimidating passengers and he said “ I’m not allowed to intervene”. Nowadays no one wants to know, everyone wants to avert their eyes, put on their headphones and stay in their bubble. Meanwhile the streets, the buses, the shops, the trains all get more and more unpleasant.
I often feel like the lone crazy lady calling out appalling public behaviour so thank you OP for making me feel less alone!

As someone upthread mentioned a lot of young men put their hands in their trousers without touching their willy or anything. It's just a thing they do. I actually think you were wrong to draw attention to it because you humiliated him in a public space and no doubt made others think that he was touching himself. In some ways you are the person with the problem because you were looking at that area of his body. I can see why his instinct was to shout at you and shame you in return.

Definitely a huge over reaction. They do it to keep their hands warm. Weird, yes but you really over reacted

I have relatively traditional values and it irks me to see men doing this! It's never women is it?! I'd have been tempted to say have you got crabs down there, how awful? But to be honest it would have got the same reaction. Maybe he won't do it again for fear of being shamed. Or most likely he will just hate women, because after all we are probably the cause of him having to walk in public right? Because he's a sad sack who can't get a real life woman.

If a guy is doing that in public he either A has a mental illness/compulsion or lacks awareness, B doesn't give a shi*t and has no shame or is C doing it for attention/one step away from flasher. Best to protect yourself and not say anything because you never know which they are or how they might respond. But yes report them because at least you are doing something positive and ideally another guy going and talking to them might snap them out of it, especially if they are hoping to get attention of a woman!

It's a legal loop hole really isn't it because if he'd pulled his pants down and exposed himself, it would have been against the law and indecent.. still even clothed you wouldn't want to see that outside your kids school or a play area would you? You'd think, pervert alert!!!

Thing is we are told not to shame our kids about their bodies, but how do you teach them it's rude to play with yourself in public without a little bit of shame/embarrassment? It probably needs to be taught at school to be honest, perhaps it is and we just haven't got to that stage yet with our kids...

That’s not what they are doing they are keeping their hands warm not touching themselves 🙄boys have been doing this since I was young it’s nothing new and really not a big deal. Could you imagine the outrage if this was a man saying this about a woman. Practice what you preach

Ever heard of gloves?

All depends on if he was wanking or literally just had his hands in his pants

As someone upthread mentioned a lot of young men put their hands in their trousers without touching their willy or anything. It's just a thing they do. I actually think you were wrong to draw attention to it because you humiliated him in a public space and no doubt made others think that he was touching himself.

He humiliated himself.

Why don't women walk around with their hands down the waistband of their trousers? Why is that not just a 'thing they do'? This male habit has toxic masculinity written all over it.

Perhaps think wearing gloves makes them look a bit soft. But don't these jogger things have any pockets they could use instead?

Yes, I was just preempting any neurodivergent comments.

My poor son gets terrible eczema on his penis. He got told off so much in primary school for going to the loo too often as he was so uncomfortable. He does sometimes scratch in public as he’s in so much discomfort. So no not every male is fiddling with themselves!

Par for the course. Not cause.

Why do you never see women 'keeping their hands warm' in this fashion?

Apologist bullshit.

Oh god, I didn't realise this until now, but of course that's what it was.

I innocently assumed it was because it 'looks untidy' but now I'm older and have rather more experience of blokes and their love of their own penises I can't believe I didn't connect the dots until you said it!

ROFL - keeping their hands warm by cupping their balls. Absolutely.

And we have to use door handles, money, and everything else after they've done it. So delightful.