She wants the gifted money back

[HereForItMaybe]

I'll keep it short - DM very kindly gifted myself and my brother £50k each, 5 years ago.

She has now asked for it back. My brother has not been asked.

AIBU to say no?

But yours has been spent too.

I’d just say you can’t it was a gift and it was used to buy your home. She will have to buy in a different area 🤷🏼‍♀️

who cares what your aunt thinks. I wouldn’t even entertain the idea!

Have I got this right @HereForItMaybe ?

Your mother is happy for you to SELL YOUR HOME to release money she gifted you, so she can buy a new home?

Say no. She can't afford to downsize so that's just the way it is. By the way, I thought 'downsizing' meant buying somewhere cheaper to realise some cash, not just somewhere smaller.

I can't imagine having a parent who would demand a gift of money back. Is she generally unreasonable or has she no understanding of finance? She could have kept the original £200,000, especially if she thought a move might be on the cards. .

What sort of DM does that?!!
She gave you the money freely, which you have invested in bricks and mortar
Simply " No, I've spent it, as has DB"
Your Aunt should keep her beak out too
You can't give with one hand, and demand it back with the other
Disengage, grey rock, smile and nod, but do not be drawn into further discussions on the matter.
She has a home already

I think you need to have a conversation. She shouldn’t have gifted you money she may need, however, if you are harsh and she needs / wants money, depending on her personality, she could turn to equity release and be left with no / little equity in her property ( your inheritance?) and you and DB could end up paying or providing care for her in later life.

That's not how a gift works...It is not something you can ask to have back.

It she had made it clear it was a loan that would need to be repaid, then it would be different.

Also it is rather odd that she think you should give the money back but your brother is not being asked to do the same.

I would simply reply that a gift is a gift and you are not able or willing to give her that amount of money.

Didnt younhave to sign something for the mortgage company saying the gift is given and wont be recalled further down the line? Would you have to pay penalties for closing the product. Dont make yourself homeless because your narc mother is being a sociopath.

Honestly tell her that you spent it on your house deposit and that it was a gift and you're not willing to sell your house to pay it back.
If she decides to stop talking to you then that's on her . Gifts don't work like that

That's fucking awful. Your mum is a selfish cow. You can't do that to someone. I'd say no. And if you were my friend, I wouldn't think you greedy. I'd think less of your mum though.

You would be down much more than 50K if you had to sell your house to give the gift back.
I'm actually really fucking angry and sad for you op, don't let her manipulate you and tell aunty's big nose to fuck off.
Could you get your brother on side, would he support you saying no?

In what world is it ok to ask for a gift back? Unless it was a case of her suddenly finding herself about to be homeless or needing to pay for some lifesaving medical treatment or similar? She should’ve put it in a bank.

'No can do, you gave me the money as a gift and the money is tied up in my home. I don't have any spare cash to give you. '

Sadly this is now a no-win situation. Unless she has an epiphany overnight, I fear that your relationship will be damaged (possibly beyond repair). If you sell your home and give her the money it would be almost impossible to forgive her. Especially if (as I and others fear) she doesn't not in fact use the money to move but gifts it to someone else who has a way of running through money). If you don't give her back the money then she may never forgive you and the family has already started narrative building that giving her the money would be the morally right thing to do so you will be painted badly. And sorry to be jumping the gun, but this will then create the perfect opportunity to cut you out of any future inheritance so your feckless brother gets everything.

Honestly, in your shoes I would probably do everything in my power to give her back the money AND keep my home. Whether that be remortgaging, getting a loan and a second job, or renting out a room. I think I would just sleep better at night knowing that everything I have is mine (well the banks too I suppose!). Then I would resign myself to never speaking to my mum, my aunt or my brother again.

There's nothing "greedy" about wanting to keep your home. However it is very greedy to expect to have a gift returned.

My parents gifted my husband and I a similar amount when we bought our home. I would be absolutely devastated if they expected us to sell/take out a loan to give it back. I am so sorry she has put you in this position. On balance I feel an honest and loving conversation would be the best way forward. Empathise with her and the position she is in, but tell her that she can no longer think of that money as hers. What she is asking for would be a gift from you not giving back something that is hers.

Good luck OP. I hope it all works out (and please don’t seem you home)

OP, I take it your mother does appreciate that in order to give the money back, you would have to sell your home? I can’t believe that she is asking this of you. It’s absolutely none if your aunt’s business, and I think you need to remind your DM that it was freely given as a gift. If there’s legal paperwork, then surely end of story - mother dear, I know you want to move somewhere expensive, but you gave me that money and that’s an end to it. I could understand (just) if she had fallen on hard times and needed the money to live, but absolutely not that she has taken it into her head to move somewhere expensive and is literally turfing you out of hearth and home in order to do so.

You don't have the money, you have a house. You aren't selling a house to raise 50k for your mum.

I wouldn't even enter a negotiation but if you wanted to then, at very very best, you could offer half on the condition your brother does too.

Bet he is younger than you and the golden child. Typical dynamic, parentification of eldest daughter.

My Mum would never do this to me and I wouldn't dream of doing such a thing to my children.

Your mother is awful.

I would tell her the fact she hasnt asked her precious son to contribute tells you all you need to know and no, you are not selling your house so she can move.

You really can’t be manipulated over this. She gifted you both an equal amount and kept the balance from an inheritance she received.

You duly used the money as a house deposit. Some 5 years down the line she can’t just announce she wants the money back as you don’t have it to give her.

Difficult conversations will need to be had. But she’s being completely unreasonable. Of course you shouldn’t sell your house to return this gifted money.

"hi mum give me your dealers number cause that stuff you're smoking is quite strong"

Sorry Mum, I spent the money you generously gave me because you said it was a gift, so didn't have to be repaid. You even signed a form to say it was a gift with no expectations of repayment. I no longer have the money as I spent it. You also gifted dbrother £50k and you have not asked for his gift back.

Rarely is MN unanimous, OP. Do not give it back. Your family may fall out with you for a while but that could perhaps be good for you. You sound far too considerate - and taken advantage of. I would bet this isn't the only area or time there have been very different standards for your brother. She's not asked your brother as she knows he would say "No". And she clearly respects that more than her considerate, kind daughter. Show her you're not a doormat and let her decide whether she wants a relationship with a daughter who respects herself.

She wouldnt get a penny back out of me, I'd give her loads of sob story etc etc. The upshot would be a bit fat
NO DICE

I think she's being unreasonable. She expects you to sell your home so she can move to a nicer area. She doesn't need the money she wants it, if she needed it that may be a different story.

I'd say 'sorry it was a gift, are you expecting me to sell my home to give it back to you?'