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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

She wants the gifted money back

1000 replies

HereForItMaybe · 11/02/2025 21:49

I'll keep it short - DM very kindly gifted myself and my brother £50k each, 5 years ago.

She has now asked for it back. My brother has not been asked.

AIBU to say no?

OP posts:
maddening · 11/02/2025 22:35

Could you tell her the only fair way is to ask for the same amount from dbro?

Tbry24 · 11/02/2025 22:35

I had a small inheritance over a decade ago which I invested wisely and then used as a deposit to buy our home. That plus some other savings I built up by scrimping and saving means I own my share of our home (the other 50% my DP has the mortgage for). I have been very cautious and cleared my half as quickly as possible as I have always waited for this to be done to me.

My siblings have also had small inheritances prior to me (I’m the eldest by quite a few years) and a lot of help buying their homes and improvements on their homes and their weddings etc. So yes it was very kind to get a little help from my grandparents inheritance but because I wasn’t given the inheritance until my 40s and both my siblings have bought and sold quite a few homes it means I was very reserved on spending it incase this was done to me.

Are you and your sibling normally treated differently?

I would say I’m really sorry mum (and aunt) but as you know I spent my inheritance/gift wisely and bought a home. I cannot sell my home and make myself homeless so the only thing I can do is offer you a bedroom in my home if you need somewhere to live. I can also make small monthly contributions towards paying back a small amount as long as my brother is doing the same. I’m sure you will understand. (offer £5000 paid at a £50 a month rate so that you can pay your bills and buy food).

BadSil · 11/02/2025 22:35

I would rather live in a cardboard box than ask my child to sell their home for me. My entire parenting life has been focussed towards earning enough money to make sure my children have a safe and secure future. There is nothing in this world that would make me put them through this kind of stress.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 11/02/2025 22:35

So he wasted his, but he does have a home he could sell in order to repay her? I'd remind her of that.

I wouldn't give it back. It's incredibly unfair of her. Your aunt needs to keep her nose out of this - it's absolutely nothing to do with her.

Sminty2 · 11/02/2025 22:35

Please don’t give it back. Besides the fact that it was a gift, given freely, it would ruin your life. Gifts are gifts, given with love. This is not love, it’s manipulation. No one can imagine how you feel but stick to your guns. This was a gift, not a loan. I really feel for you, being put in this situation but, please think of yourself and your family. Don’t give it back and wreck your life for what is essentially, a selfish whim on her part. Good luck and stay strong.

Mumlaplomb · 11/02/2025 22:36

OP if it was a gift, and legally documented as such, then you don’t have to pay her back. I would firmly say no and you won’t be discussing it further. I would also look at the will for the relative that passed away to make sure it wasn’t your actual inheritance that she “gifted”‘you.

WiddlinDiddlin · 11/02/2025 22:36

@BadSil Thats a horribly expensive way of getting exactly the same outcome - NC with Mum and Auntie...

Just do it the free way, say no! What OP has is already legally and morally hers FFS!

SoloSofa24 · 11/02/2025 22:36

HereForItMaybe · 11/02/2025 21:54

Technically yes - I purchased a house, so I could sell it.

I also have some savings, no where near £50k but I could sell my car/get a loan to try and raise the money.

If you have to sell your house to return the 'gift', what about all the costs of selling the house and (presumably) buying a cheaper property: estate agents, solicitors, surveys, stamp duty etc. Would she be expecting you to swallow all that and give her back £50k, while your brother just shrugs his shoulders and says "all gone"?

She is being VVVVVU.

dumpydumpydumpdump · 11/02/2025 22:36

This is incredibly manipulative and selfish of her. Clearly she wanted the kudos of the giftgiver, now she wants a fancy house. It's all about her. I'm sorry that's who she is. No is a complete sentence. Use it.

FreedomandPeace · 11/02/2025 22:36

Why not tell your brother what’s been requested after all you were both gifted money and now your mother would like some back.

I think this is a conversation the three of you need to have together.
This has absolutely nothing to do with other family members.

Technically your mother is asking for a gift of£50,000, that’s how I’d phrase it.

Partridgewell · 11/02/2025 22:36

I don't see why it's any easier to sell a house than it is to sell two cars!

Marshbird · 11/02/2025 22:37

HereForItMaybe · 11/02/2025 21:59

Sorry I did write a longer OP but it got very long winded so I edited - a lot!

She inherited £200k 5 years ago. She kept £100k, and generously gave £50k each to me and my brother.

She wants the money as she wants to move house, downsizing, but to a much more expensive area.

First thing, did she gift it personally, or did she do a Deed of variation to split inheritence with you both (to say avoid future IHT payable twice). if you , by Deed of variation, inherited it direct form deceased relative it was never her money and her money to gift to you, it came direct from the deceased estate at probate. Her decision, but never her money.

a gift is just that as far as HMRC are concerned. Whether by deed of variation, inheritance itself, or not. Something without limitation, conditions or ties. She is, in effect asking you to gift her £50k, when you don’t have it. You are not paying it back, or giving it back..she never said it was a loan or asked you to sign a promissory note. Nor did she say she might need it back. Otherwise I assume you’d have not taken the risk to sink it into the house

This is a mess, and a good reason why everyone should think twice or more about gifting large sums to adult kids as they get older. It’s a lovely gesture, but you simply don’t know what’s round the corner and you’ll need menu for later. Once retired, you never increase your income outstripping inflation, as you do with job changes/ promotions, you have little spare to take loans or make savings for unexpected costs.

your answer is that you too have spent it. In exactly same way as your brother has. You no longer have it. To move house you will loose your own money too; conveyencing fees, estate agents, moving costs, stamp duty, and all the myriad of little costs like new curtains cos old ones don’t fit. If you extend your mortgage to gift her this sum (supposing you could actually do that) you will them be paying additional interest in long term …you cannot do this without emeritus long term financial consequences

she needs to be speaking to both you and brother, as you have BOTH spent the gift in full. There may be other ways you could help her out, but it sounds like she made a basic silly short sighted mistake to be seen as generous to you both. It’ll not help your relationship I imagine, but you needctocemsurecthiscfalls squarely on both you and your brothers shoulders and not just yours as you’ll bear the weight of being the child at fault for years to come and the fall out from that. With both her children stating “mum, we understand your issue, however you gifted it to us out right and didn’t lend it and therefore the money is spent in the way you intended it to be used at our discretion. we simply don’t have £25k each available to gift to you at this stage of our lives”. And then ask if she wants help exploring her options. Don’t let her set you up against your brother on this.

FamilyFool · 11/02/2025 22:37

Honestly she should not be asking for it back.
She's chancing her arm and turning a really nice gift into a nightmare.
Say sorry it's tied up in the house which I am so grateful for and you are welcome to visit.
Getting her sister to chip in is bad form as it's none of her business.
Enjoy the fact you didn't waste the gift like your feckless brother! Well done girl!

WiddlinDiddlin · 11/02/2025 22:38

Tbry24 · 11/02/2025 22:35

I had a small inheritance over a decade ago which I invested wisely and then used as a deposit to buy our home. That plus some other savings I built up by scrimping and saving means I own my share of our home (the other 50% my DP has the mortgage for). I have been very cautious and cleared my half as quickly as possible as I have always waited for this to be done to me.

My siblings have also had small inheritances prior to me (I’m the eldest by quite a few years) and a lot of help buying their homes and improvements on their homes and their weddings etc. So yes it was very kind to get a little help from my grandparents inheritance but because I wasn’t given the inheritance until my 40s and both my siblings have bought and sold quite a few homes it means I was very reserved on spending it incase this was done to me.

Are you and your sibling normally treated differently?

I would say I’m really sorry mum (and aunt) but as you know I spent my inheritance/gift wisely and bought a home. I cannot sell my home and make myself homeless so the only thing I can do is offer you a bedroom in my home if you need somewhere to live. I can also make small monthly contributions towards paying back a small amount as long as my brother is doing the same. I’m sure you will understand. (offer £5000 paid at a £50 a month rate so that you can pay your bills and buy food).

This is also horrible advice.

If DM said yes to that, whats to stop her claiming that DB is repaying too but actually never even asking him, or asking him to lie and say he is.

@Mumlaplomb has it right - find out if you were actually always meant to have this money, it may be it always was yours and wasn't even a gift!

Didimum · 11/02/2025 22:40

The awful greedy daughter? No mother in her right mind would request that her daughter sell her home in order to fund an expensive whim house move.

Mayflyoff · 11/02/2025 22:40

If your DB has a house, then it is misleading to say that his £50k is all gone. He might have earmarked the £50k for holidays and cars, but you can't actually follow individual £1s to be what they've been spent on. You could equally say he's used that £50k over the last 5 years to make his mortgage repayments, allowing him to use his earnings to buy holidays and cars. Therefore he's still got the £50k value in his house too.

ilovesushi · 11/02/2025 22:41

It was a gift which makes the money yours not hers. You spent it on a house. You can't give it back. Essentially she is now asking you to give her a gift. You are not in a position to do that.

Mrsbloggz · 11/02/2025 22:42

what a bucking fitch she is, wanted to score points & be seen as lady bountiful & then changes her mind and asks her daughter to return the money. Not her son, since women are more likely to be a soft touch.
And she's enlisted her sister to pile on the guilt, twist the knife a bit. Duck that, fight fire with fire and pile on the emotional blackmail!

BadSil · 11/02/2025 22:42

WiddlinDiddlin · 11/02/2025 22:36

@BadSil Thats a horribly expensive way of getting exactly the same outcome - NC with Mum and Auntie...

Just do it the free way, say no! What OP has is already legally and morally hers FFS!

I agree with you. And obviously we are all different. I know that I would resent her "generosity". I would want to have nothing to do with her....including her money. (But I might be prone to cutting off my nose to spite my face).

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/02/2025 22:44

'Not happening, mum. You gifted that money to [brother] and me. Gifted. And now you expect me to sell my home because you 'fancy a change'? Do you even hear yourself?'

I suspect you'll get further if you take a very firm tone. Don't be apologetic, don't be sympthetic, don't be anything EXCEPT incredulous that she would sink so low as to ask this of you.

And tell your interfering auntie that if sh's so keen for her sister's 'fancy' to be indulged, maybe she should sell HER house?

Fairyliz · 11/02/2025 22:45

HereForItMaybe · 11/02/2025 21:54

Technically yes - I purchased a house, so I could sell it.

I also have some savings, no where near £50k but I could sell my car/get a loan to try and raise the money.

When I gave my DD money towards a house I had to sign a legal declaration to say it was a gift not a loan as required by solicitor. Dd wouldn’t have been able to get her mortgage without this.
So legally you don’t need to pay anything back.

Marshbird · 11/02/2025 22:46

Lots of people talking about whether to “give it back”

nope..it’s not about giving it back or not giving it back

its was a gift, without restrictions . Not a loan

there’s no giving something back.

mother is asking daughter to now gift her £50k . Out of the blue. That’s the question. Does she feel obliged to gift her mother £50k when she doesn’t have that sort of money available to gift .

Mother is conflating “back” with asking her daughter for a gift of £50k, based on the prescedent that she outright gifted her daughter a sum 2 years ago (or whenever ) .

neilyoungismyhero · 11/02/2025 22:46

I can't understand this..it was a gift. You spent the money. End of...surely you can't honestly be thinking of selling your home and raising loans to give it back just on her whim...

MyrtleLion · 11/02/2025 22:46

Legally it sounds as though there was a Deed of Gift to you which was a contract and cannot be demanded back. You are within your rights to refuse and she can't pursue you for it in court (or she can, but she will lose and will spend £££ on legal fees.

If you are inclined, you could sell the property and buy some of her new property with the proceeds. You would need to seek legal advice about whether it would be better for you to own as a joint tenant or tenant in common.

This option means you keep the money and its appreciation and she gets what she wants.

If you are not inclined, then refuse and once you have refused, keep refusing every time she brings it up. This is emotional blackmail.

Personally, I would refuse because you will have to bear the inconvenience and the costs and hassle.

hattie43 · 11/02/2025 22:46

Ridiculous. She should have thought her plans through before she gifted the money . Also why should you be penalised having to give it back by making a sensible use of the money and your brother gets off Scott free because he wasted his . Just say no .

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