Page 37 | She wants the gifted money back

HereForItMaybe · 2025-02-11T21:49:09+00:00

I'll keep it short - DM very kindly gifted myself and my brother £50k each, 5 years ago. She has now asked for it back. My brother has not been asked. AIBU to say no?

ShortColdandGrey · 13/02/2025 11:37

Please do not give her any money. I don't understand how she can expect you to sell your house to give her back her gift. So utterly selfish. You brother hasn't gotten himself in financial trouble and this is actually for him???

rainingsnoring · 13/02/2025 11:37

HereForItMaybe · 13/02/2025 10:44

I'm taking on board all of the replies, thank you - I will keep factual with her today, and try to see if I can help another way (also will see if there is outside pressure).

No reply from brother, I'm a bit concerned about that.

She doesn't need help! It seems that you are the one needing help here. Are you always the one in the family who gets guilt tripped into doing things that are to their detriment?

CecilyP · 13/02/2025 11:38

HereForItMaybe · 11/02/2025 21:54

Technically yes - I purchased a house, so I could sell it.

I also have some savings, no where near £50k but I could sell my car/get a loan to try and raise the money.

Show quote history

I'd forgotten this earlier post of yours, in response to a previous poster asking if you had the money, until someone quoted it this morning. I actually find your answer quite heartbreaking as, technically, you don't have the money. Most is tied up in your home and car, and the idea that you would seriously think of selling them to finance your mother's whim is just so sad. And as for getting a loan, that would just be ridiculous.

And it is a whim! If your mother had always wanted to live in this area, she should have taken the chance when she had the £100K and, if that wasn't enough, she shouldn't have gifted to you and your brother. I have my doubts that she has any concrete plans at all!

I hope this thread has given you a new perspective and that you are able to stand up to your mother. There are now nearly 1000 posts and over 99.5% of them are routing for you.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 13/02/2025 11:41

CecilyP · 13/02/2025 11:38

I'd forgotten this earlier post of yours, in response to a previous poster asking if you had the money, until someone quoted it this morning. I actually find your answer quite heartbreaking as, technically, you don't have the money. Most is tied up in your home and car, and the idea that you would seriously think of selling them to finance your mother's whim is just so sad. And as for getting a loan, that would just be ridiculous.

And it is a whim! If your mother had always wanted to live in this area, she should have taken the chance when she had the £100K and, if that wasn't enough, she shouldn't have gifted to you and your brother. I have my doubts that she has any concrete plans at all!

I hope this thread has given you a new perspective and that you are able to stand up to your mother. There are now nearly 1000 posts and over 99.5% of them are routing for you.

Show quote history

This.

Her brother has a home and two cars, so if the money is only available by selling these things, his £50K is exactly as available as the OP's.

Phobiaphobic · 13/02/2025 12:11

This is absolutely appalling behaviour from your mother - and your aunt (and possibly your brother). I would go low contact with both of them. It's up to them to mend the damage they have done to your relationship, not you. You have done nothing wrong, they have done plenty.

Nowthesaidmother · 13/02/2025 12:12

And it is a whim! If your mother had always wanted to live in this area, she should have taken the chance when she had the £100K and, if that wasn't enough, she shouldn't have gifted to you and your brother. I have my doubts that she has any concrete plans at all! @CecilyP

Absolutely this.
Op ask your DM why she didn't do it when she had the money.

People pleasers always get taken advantage of in families, that's how the dynamic starts. I'm sure if you think back you'll recognise that you have been pressured to give in and agree with your DM and probably DB

"for a quiet life"

"to keep the peace"

"To not rock the boat"

"Not to be a burden"

"To stop making trouble"

"Stop being so selfish "

You don't need to help her, she's not incapable of destitute.

Your life is YOURS, you are not for your mother's happiness at your detriment.

It's not selfish to say no to her, she shouldn't even be asking!

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 13/02/2025 12:13

With all the suggestions about the possibility of your brother being involved, and the fact that he hasn't responded to your call, it's made me wonder whether he and your Mother have discussed the possibility of her moving in with him so that he can 'take care of her in later life', and 'of course they'll need a much bigger house, (I imagine these might be his words). If you added your £100k, and got the £50k back off of sis, we could get a nice big place where we can all live together and look after you as you get older'. If she then said 'oh, I can't ask your sister for the £50k back', he might then say 'but I'm contributing my whole house, so £50k from her is nothing'. I really can hear this conversation in my head OP. So think about whether this might be a possibility of what's really behind this.

Above all, please, please, please, just say NO!!

That's NO to anything that involves you making a contribution to your Mothers wants NOT needs!! Of course if you'd written this post and titled it 'Mum gave me and my brother £50k each, but she's now going to be made homeless, so needs it back', I'm positive you would have got VERY different responses OP, but absolutely everything about your Mother's request is MORALLY WRONG! Remember that when you go to see her today.

ButterCrackers · 13/02/2025 12:18

Rosscameasdoody · 13/02/2025 08:53

Why would you jump straight to thinking she’s a benefit cheat ? She made gifts to the tune of £100k which would have attracted taxes on payment. DWP and HMRC share information.

Edited

Show quote history

Gifting money to get benefits or avoid taxes? It happens. The situation is odd here. Having such stress and hassle with major consequences if having sell the family home would get me to investigate all avenues. Report to the relevant authorities right away. It may not be the case but at least it’s established as not being a fraud.

doodleZ1 · 13/02/2025 12:23

CecilyP · 13/02/2025 11:38

I'd forgotten this earlier post of yours, in response to a previous poster asking if you had the money, until someone quoted it this morning. I actually find your answer quite heartbreaking as, technically, you don't have the money. Most is tied up in your home and car, and the idea that you would seriously think of selling them to finance your mother's whim is just so sad. And as for getting a loan, that would just be ridiculous.

And it is a whim! If your mother had always wanted to live in this area, she should have taken the chance when she had the £100K and, if that wasn't enough, she shouldn't have gifted to you and your brother. I have my doubts that she has any concrete plans at all!

I hope this thread has given you a new perspective and that you are able to stand up to your mother. There are now nearly 1000 posts and over 99.5% of them are routing for you.

Show quote history

OP if you give your mum this money and she changes her mind and doesn’t want a more expensive house, do you honestly think it will be at the top of her mind to give you the money back? The way she’s going I wouldn’t put it past her to give half to you and half to your brother. After all he needs it , he has a young family and works so so hard! Or to say she’s staying where she is but needs it for redecoration, while of course your brother got all his money and he’s keeping it. I may be cynical but no decent mother would do this, yet she is. No, that’s all you need to say and then tell her you’ve given your answer. Again if money is mentioned tell her to ask your brother but it’s a NO from you. Change the subject. It’s so obvious to me that your response is still not that of a grown equal adult. I’ve been there, I always wanted to keep my parents happy regardless of how ridiculous or unfair they were. I made excuses for their poor behaviour all the time. It did me no good at all and tbh my resentment is now off the charts. I’m talking from experience, it’s not easy, don’t let it happen to you. Mum does not need to be happy, it’s not your job to make her happy, as you are certainly not happy and she’s not more important than you. You are walking into a nightmare if you do this and you actually know it but you feel you have to. Use your words. It’s a NO. Don’t get talked into a monthly payback to help out either as they will be the next TRICK. Your brother won’t do it, the fact he’s not returned your call shows he’s holding on to his money. Give them a shock, hold on to what is yours.

MrsAga · 13/02/2025 12:30

Perhaps word it slightly differently “Mum, you had £200k, you spent it, you don’t have it any more, so you can’t spend it again”
If she’d donated some to charity, would she be asking them for it back? Is she asking the kitchen company to refund her money as she doesn’t want the kitchen any more?
And she clearly isn’t asking brother for his gift back.
Don't let her punish you because you chose to invest your gift in your home
”Surely you aren’t asking me to make myself homeless so I can gift you some money mum?”
Good luck.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 13/02/2025 12:38

@HereForItMaybe - we are about to do something similar for our three dses. My mum passed away, and now her house is about to sell, so I will be inheriting half of that. Because it is within 2 years of the death, we are doing a Deed of Variation to the will, and giving them a lump sum each, towards house deposit, wedding - big expenses like that.

I would not dream of asking them for any of it back in the future, and I think your mum is bang out of order to do so, especially as it will mean you lose your home!

OhBow · 13/02/2025 12:44

Thing is, OP has other savings and assets she could sell apart from the house, which she may be guilted into giving her dm.

Argh the unjustice

Julimia · 13/02/2025 12:49

When you give someone money as a gift it is no longer yours end of. Helping your mum out is a different matter and if you feel able to do so it should not be seen as giving her the money back.

NavyNorris · 13/02/2025 12:50

I hope it goes OK today OP.

I'm anxious to hear how it went, I really do hope you held your ground with her and I hope that seeing all of these replies has helped you to do so.

Jojoisnotmyname · 13/02/2025 12:55

@HereForItMaybe I can't get you out my head! What an awful situation, but no, just no! It was a gift. Please don't let her guilt trip you. If this was me, I wouldn't pay anything back. Good luck today 🤞🏻 💐

doodleZ1 · 13/02/2025 12:58

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 13/02/2025 12:13

With all the suggestions about the possibility of your brother being involved, and the fact that he hasn't responded to your call, it's made me wonder whether he and your Mother have discussed the possibility of her moving in with him so that he can 'take care of her in later life', and 'of course they'll need a much bigger house, (I imagine these might be his words). If you added your £100k, and got the £50k back off of sis, we could get a nice big place where we can all live together and look after you as you get older'. If she then said 'oh, I can't ask your sister for the £50k back', he might then say 'but I'm contributing my whole house, so £50k from her is nothing'. I really can hear this conversation in my head OP. So think about whether this might be a possibility of what's really behind this.

Above all, please, please, please, just say NO!!

That's NO to anything that involves you making a contribution to your Mothers wants NOT needs!! Of course if you'd written this post and titled it 'Mum gave me and my brother £50k each, but she's now going to be made homeless, so needs it back', I'm positive you would have got VERY different responses OP, but absolutely everything about your Mother's request is MORALLY WRONG! Remember that when you go to see her today.

That’s exactly something my brother would have done and told me I was selfish if I said anything whatsoever about it. Mum would have agreed as well and then we would have got the tears. Once she gets YOUR money the real story will emerge OP. It’s so obvious. You are being put onto the role of the bad one here, the selfish one. They are doing a number on you and even your aunt has been roped in. It’s nothing to do with her but she is being used as your mum knows this is wrong and needs backup. You really don’t have to take this nonsense on board, let the words roll off you. If the word “selfish” is made there’s a second red flag. They all work the same way, as up until now it has worked for them. Listen, say next to nothing, commit to nothing and give away no money either in a lump sum or monthly. Selfish and money, if either word is used recognise the trap.

BruFord · 13/02/2025 13:29

Make sure you do get hold of your brother in the near future, he can’t weasel out of a conversation about this.

Of course he’s not going to want to return his gift either, but he needs to be involved in this discussion, no hiding from it.

SurroundedByEejits · 13/02/2025 13:46

HereForItMaybe · 11/02/2025 21:59

Sorry I did write a longer OP but it got very long winded so I edited - a lot!

She inherited £200k 5 years ago. She kept £100k, and generously gave £50k each to me and my brother.

She wants the money as she wants to move house, downsizing, but to a much more expensive area.

Show quote history

Then it would be reasonable of her to ask BOTH OF YOU, but only if it doesn't then put you in a bind.

Presumably you'd both inherit so you'd get it back in the long run. Might be worth checking if a new house purchase could be in joint names so your £50k is protected.

Bigcat25 · 13/02/2025 13:56

Op I wouldn't give e what your brother gives. That could mean giving it all. Come up with a number (could be zero of course) that you are prepared to give and talk to your bro before talking to your mom. The flip side is, if she's very vengeful she could disinherit you.

godmum56 · 13/02/2025 14:03

Bigcat25 · 13/02/2025 13:56

Op I wouldn't give e what your brother gives. That could mean giving it all. Come up with a number (could be zero of course) that you are prepared to give and talk to your bro before talking to your mom. The flip side is, if she's very vengeful she could disinherit you.

she might not have anything to leave if she needs money back from her kids!

Codlingmoths · 13/02/2025 14:15

SurroundedByEejits · 13/02/2025 13:46

Then it would be reasonable of her to ask BOTH OF YOU, but only if it doesn't then put you in a bind.

Presumably you'd both inherit so you'd get it back in the long run. Might be worth checking if a new house purchase could be in joint names so your £50k is protected.

Show quote history

Definitely cannot rely on inheriting! So many variables - nothing to leave, leaves it all to her brother as he has kids…

CecilyP · 13/02/2025 14:22

SurroundedByEejits · 13/02/2025 13:46

Then it would be reasonable of her to ask BOTH OF YOU, but only if it doesn't then put you in a bind.

Presumably you'd both inherit so you'd get it back in the long run. Might be worth checking if a new house purchase could be in joint names so your £50k is protected.

Show quote history

Why complicate things when we have learned from Mumsnet that "NO" is a full sentence!

Mrsbloggz · 13/02/2025 14:25

Bigcat25 · 13/02/2025 13:56

Op I wouldn't give e what your brother gives. That could mean giving it all. Come up with a number (could be zero of course) that you are prepared to give and talk to your bro before talking to your mom. The flip side is, if she's very vengeful she could disinherit you.

This is a woman who cannot be relied upon to be fair or honorable!
OP's best option is probably to keep hold of the 50k, it would help if the op could keep a strong alliance with her brother but that will be difficult because her mother's instinctive modus operandi will probably be 'divide and conquer'.

ChristmasPudd1990 · 13/02/2025 14:49

SurroundedByEejits · 13/02/2025 13:46

Then it would be reasonable of her to ask BOTH OF YOU, but only if it doesn't then put you in a bind.

Presumably you'd both inherit so you'd get it back in the long run. Might be worth checking if a new house purchase could be in joint names so your £50k is protected.

Show quote history

No one is guaranteed inheritance. It could all be swallowed up in care home fees etc.

LardoBurrows · 13/02/2025 14:57

I just cannot envisage doing this to my children. Surely when she gifted you the £50k she made that decision knowing that once the money had gone to you, that was it. You can't just ask for it back five years later because you fancy a more expensive house, especially when it means one of your children would have to sell their home in order to hand back the money that was gifted to them. It's crazy and completely unreasonable.