DDs being left out of the wedding

[Shambrigade]

FIL is getting married this spring to his mistress (only mentioned as background and as she loves to cause rifts)
We have been civil to her throughout their relationship despite the issues she has caused as we wanted to be the better people and allow our children a relationship with their grandpa.
We don’t support their marriage based on how they became a couple, but DH wants a relationship with his dad. If he doesn’t accept her then his dad will go NC. This upset DH as he was very close to him before so he keeps quiet to keep the peace despite his mum’s feelings, they assume we are happy for them as we keep our opinions to ourselves.
OW has been friendly enough, but slowly in the past year she has been segregating our children. DH has a DD from a previous relationship and we have 2 together. OW has sent DSD an invitation exclaiming she will be her bridesmaid. She’s 9 and very excited. However the younger two haven’t been asked and are aware OW has left them out. They’re almost 7 - twins. They have seen DSD bridesmaid dress in photos and are upset they won’t have the same ‘princess’ dress. I’m livid that she’s leaving out 2 children and that FIL is allowing it.
AIBU to refuse to go to the wedding? DH will still want to go but I don’t think it’s fair for my DDs to be subjected to favouritism. FIL states it’s up to OW who her bridesmaids are and he won’t get involved.

This is the first time I’ve let it out after holding it in to keep the peace, but I’m sick of this woman causing divides. I’ve been friendly to her and never expressed my disgust, but I’ve had enough. I wish DH would tell them all to F off tbh and defend his children instead of wanting an easy life.
WWYD from here on out?

Sorry, I wanted to keep the illusion that the world wasn’t shit for a bit longer.

Not being a bridesmaid isn't exposing them to how rough the world is 🤣

Do you really think that someone actually takes their wedding day and rather than enjoying it uses to plot spiteful acts against those their OH loves, including little children?

Why would use your kids to be so spiteful to someone? Dont you think that’s shit parenting? That is a flower girl role and you know it. What if every little girl did that?

Its her day she only has to care about her and her DH. The OP can suck it up it’s not her day

No it’s the walking down the aisle that generally makes people clock on

Who cares! She sounds awful

JFC some people need therapy to stop living vicariously through their children.

It’s SO bloody bad mannered and selfish to steal the thunder of the bride groom and wedding party. To do it through a child is bordering on psychotic

<Scuttles off to AS meringue stealth bridesmaid>

Fuck me your kids are gonna be screwed if you count a “shit world” as not being asked to be bridesmaid to every wedding they go to. Are you purposefully raising spoilt brats?

But you’re so right, I bet all those kids with disabilities, short life expectancy and living in extreme poverty are saying “Hey it could be worse! I could not be asked to be bridesmaid at someone’s wedding!”

This is why young people can’t cope in the workplace and partly why there’s a MH crisis amongst young people - parents utterly DESPERATE to ensure they don’t once have an adverse experience in life or don’t get what they want and catastrophising the smallest of non-issues.

Has OP said whether all 3 DDs were bridesmaids on the numerous times that the twins were?

It’s not spiteful - the girls are the bride’s grand daughters; she should be delighted to see them looking happy

It's deliberately making them centre of attention and forcing them in to a roll they haven't been offered!

Because of course their happiness is of paramount importance on her wedding day. 🙄

They’re not her granddaughters. But the only way to see them look happy is if they’re all bridesmaids? Ridiculous

Why is it up to brides to make kids feel happy on their wedding day?!

The bride has invited her granddaughters to be BMs. You know, the children she has known their whole lives, and the ones whose parents don't grit their teeth when they speak to her and refer to her disparagingly.

FIL could always have found a role for all 3 of his granddaughters if he wanted. Maybe they could've done a joint reading.

Or maybe he mistakenly thought it was possible to be happy as a guest at a wedding, without a specific role... what a fool, eh?

Many people go right through childhood and even adulthood without being a bridesmaid, manage to survive unscathed in some cases too!!

I'm in my 30s and have managed to survive without being a bridesmaid to family, and now later on, friends

I completely disagree, she could choose to have none of OPs daughters. Why should she just choose one? I think it's a really cruel and very unkind thing to do. They're little girls who would all love to be a princess for a day.

@MissDoubleU @FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly
She was 3, and would have been devastated to see the other little girls be flower girls and her being the only child not included. I would never expect her to be in the wedding, but I am not going to deliberately set her up to get upset, then have family members tell her off for being upset. But it wasn’t an issue because they weren’t horrible people.

Dear goddess, are you ok?

Should we arrange a fundraiser? A bake sale (wedding cakes only)? A crafting workshop (make your own fascinator)?

A lot of little girls would love to play Princess for the day doesn’t mean they get to. It’s the B&G’s day, they’re the only ones entitled to get their way

Well my DD at 3 wouldn’t have given a stuff. Perhaps because I never made a big deal of any of it or even told her what a bridesmaid was.

Why is anyone obliged to include your child? Its up to you to manage your child’s upset not for others to prevent it

Perhaps a crowdfunder for @FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly seeing as she’s lived in such a shit world? Pull of those heart strings!

Mine would have. It was a small wedding and she would have been the only kid just watching. I didn’t expect her to be in the wedding, I just wasn’t going to bring her.