DDs being left out of the wedding

[Shambrigade]

FIL is getting married this spring to his mistress (only mentioned as background and as she loves to cause rifts)
We have been civil to her throughout their relationship despite the issues she has caused as we wanted to be the better people and allow our children a relationship with their grandpa.
We don’t support their marriage based on how they became a couple, but DH wants a relationship with his dad. If he doesn’t accept her then his dad will go NC. This upset DH as he was very close to him before so he keeps quiet to keep the peace despite his mum’s feelings, they assume we are happy for them as we keep our opinions to ourselves.
OW has been friendly enough, but slowly in the past year she has been segregating our children. DH has a DD from a previous relationship and we have 2 together. OW has sent DSD an invitation exclaiming she will be her bridesmaid. She’s 9 and very excited. However the younger two haven’t been asked and are aware OW has left them out. They’re almost 7 - twins. They have seen DSD bridesmaid dress in photos and are upset they won’t have the same ‘princess’ dress. I’m livid that she’s leaving out 2 children and that FIL is allowing it.
AIBU to refuse to go to the wedding? DH will still want to go but I don’t think it’s fair for my DDs to be subjected to favouritism. FIL states it’s up to OW who her bridesmaids are and he won’t get involved.

This is the first time I’ve let it out after holding it in to keep the peace, but I’m sick of this woman causing divides. I’ve been friendly to her and never expressed my disgust, but I’ve had enough. I wish DH would tell them all to F off tbh and defend his children instead of wanting an easy life.
WWYD from here on out?

If you can't tell the difference then you might need to check how families work again

So if you had 4 daughtes under 10 you'd expect the bride to worry about them all on her day plus her own if it's a second marriage which includes young children.Absolutely ridiculous. Teach children compromise.

And that would be fine as they would all be treated the same and there would be no need for any upset between siblings. They are children, at age 7 i would understand why they would be upset.

I said all or none, so i'd much happier none of them be asked than only one.

I mean, DSD would be upset, given she's already been asked and the invite would be rescinded. But there we go.

7 (or 6 nearly 7) is actually the perfect age to start teaching them that older sister will get to do things they don't

She'll be off to Senior School soon. Going on trips they won't be invited on but might have wanted to go to (exchange, ski trip, residential, theme parks...) If they are in Guides or Scouts or something at 10 she'll move to a more "senior" level who will get different opportunities etc...

It works the other way too. Senior schools don't tend to go to Panto, for example, so she might miss out on that whilst her sisters go with primary school.

Yes heaven forfend that anything special happens to the eldest child if her sisters can't join in. Parties, playdates, school trips, new clothes - all at the same time or not at all. What a way to live!

Oh but no one cares about the 9 year old here

She should miss out because of her little sisters (who probably already get extra attention as twins and they have their actually mother....)

I wouldn't have let it get this far. My OH would have said something before the 9 year old was asked. In this instance I wouldn't stop the 9yo being a bridesmaid, but i sympathize with the OP. Its not a nice position to put them in.

Not quite sure you can compare a playdate to grandparents wedding, but just as i am, you are entitled to your own opinion.

So one has to miss out because her sisters can’t have the exact same?

Ridiculous. And just teaches children that life should be fair when it isn’t and never will be

Yes I wonder if school trips are withheld because the sister can’t go on them in these families.

Sorry, are all three not invited to the wedding? I'm pretty sure they were.

These are all very different situations. Of course with several kids they are going to have different school trips, do different clubs and have different opportunities but this is a family wedding, it's not going to happen again (unless fil divorces and marries again) and they are all the same relation.

It sounds exhausting. When does it end I wonder! 19yo DD at Uni can’t go to the soft play so 7yo can’t either

And they are all invited! Just one has a special role

Just like they might in a school nativity or a role in a drama club or spot on a sports team

If we're going to make it about trips etc, it would be like me taking 3 kids to Disneyland and then only paying for one of them to meet the Princesses, the others should be fine and accept that though because they still get to go to Disneyland right?

You know what i meant, why twist my words? I shall rephrase. I'm not sure you can compare a playdate to being BRIDESMAID at grandparents wedding 🙄

Well, there will be rides that the older ones can go on but the young ones might not because of height...

Which is unavoidable, but paying for a Princess breakfast could be for everyone but I'd be purposely just taking one of them.

Well this is not a trip to Disneyland - which is ideally to benefit everyone, but particularly designed for the children. This is the step Grandmother’s wedding. It is her and her husband’s day, designed to be special to them alone. Everyone else is there to help and celebrate with them. That’s their job. They are not the princess, the bride is.

She has invited all Step grandchildren to be but asked the oldest to be a bridesmaid. Is she supposed to spend her wedding day babysitting everyone’s children? Is it not alright that she had the oldest grandchild from the in law family take the honour on behalf of this side of the family?

Which would be a deliberately spiteful action and not at all comparable to just using the oldest GD as a bridesmaid

teaching children in a family that they deserve exactly the same of everything always is a recipe for disaster and is so wildly unrealistic.

5 child bridesmaids in your wedding is ridiculous, of course she chose the older.

Cannot believe you'd take the experience away from the 9 year old for such petty nonsense. I doubt the twins would even care unless you make a fuss of it.

I wonder how often DSD gets anything for herself...

No it would be like GPs inviting them to Disneyland and getting one a new dress but not the other 2. Because to kiss that’s really what being a BM is.

Yes how do you navigate it when the little ones can’t go on the big rides?

Some people need to learn the difference between equality and equity