DDs being left out of the wedding

[Shambrigade]

FIL is getting married this spring to his mistress (only mentioned as background and as she loves to cause rifts)
We have been civil to her throughout their relationship despite the issues she has caused as we wanted to be the better people and allow our children a relationship with their grandpa.
We don’t support their marriage based on how they became a couple, but DH wants a relationship with his dad. If he doesn’t accept her then his dad will go NC. This upset DH as he was very close to him before so he keeps quiet to keep the peace despite his mum’s feelings, they assume we are happy for them as we keep our opinions to ourselves.
OW has been friendly enough, but slowly in the past year she has been segregating our children. DH has a DD from a previous relationship and we have 2 together. OW has sent DSD an invitation exclaiming she will be her bridesmaid. She’s 9 and very excited. However the younger two haven’t been asked and are aware OW has left them out. They’re almost 7 - twins. They have seen DSD bridesmaid dress in photos and are upset they won’t have the same ‘princess’ dress. I’m livid that she’s leaving out 2 children and that FIL is allowing it.
AIBU to refuse to go to the wedding? DH will still want to go but I don’t think it’s fair for my DDs to be subjected to favouritism. FIL states it’s up to OW who her bridesmaids are and he won’t get involved.

This is the first time I’ve let it out after holding it in to keep the peace, but I’m sick of this woman causing divides. I’ve been friendly to her and never expressed my disgust, but I’ve had enough. I wish DH would tell them all to F off tbh and defend his children instead of wanting an easy life.
WWYD from here on out?

I was the eldest kid who never got to do or go to anything unless my siblings also got the same thing - it was awful! Especially because by the time my parents were parenting the youngest, they were knackered and welcomed any opportunity to farm off a child so it never applied to my younger siblings.

It sends a clear message to children when parents do this. Surely there’s a way to allow your other two to enjoy the day as well?

It’s perfectly avoidable. Dont let the oldest go on. And it would seem very unfair to smaller kids unless you decide not to make it a big deal

There appears to be a lot of parents who are experts at teaching their children how to become entitled and bitter in life. It's no wonder there are families who eventually become estranged from each other. A lot of children are given excellent tools from the beginning to do just that in the future.

Minor situations such as described by the Op may irritate you but 2 wrongs don't make a right. It can lead to unnecessary & preventable fighting within families while spreading discontent & unhappiness along the path.

don't forget "more loved"

everyone's off their rocker today, she chose the oldest to be a bridesmaid she didn't bequeath her a house ffs.

That’s really shit. And goes to show kids do remember ❤️

Why should the older child be deprived of being a bridesmaid. Life isn't always fair. It's up to the bride who she has as bridesmaids.

@Shambrigade From experience I know the circumstances are difficult to adapt to even if the people involved are likeable. I wonder if it would help you to think of your DSD as representing the groom’s side of the family? It would be simplest to explain to your other daughters that it is just because she happens to be the eldest. Plenty of little girls are very dressed up for attending weddings. They can still feel like a princess without being a bridesmaid.

This will only be divisive if you allow it to be. If it is deliberate you don’t need to play into their hands. If you have maintained a dignified and distant approach so far then I would suggest keeping it up if you possibly can. Ultimately your OH is faced with the same problem I had. I chose to keep quiet and maintain the relationship and I haven’t ever regretted that. My dad will always be my dad and his second wife is not even in the picture anymore.

As an additional point, I think that parents should be consulted first about their children being bridesmaids, or pageboys.

I always think in this situations it’s best to act as if you really aren’t bothered. My DD was left out when one cousin was asked to be bridesmaid, the funny thing was at the actual wedding everyone thought it was my daughter who was the bridesmaid as she had a much nicer dress!

They actually thought she was a bridesmaid even though she didn’t walk down the aisle?

I have 3 sisters and we were all flower girls at different weddings, never the same one. The age gaps were 2 years and 4 years so it's not that we were at the wrong ages. It's only a big deal if you make it a big deal.

and if you have 3 sons, would you have a hissy fit if they weren't all asked to be best men?

The Princess is the Bride - not the 3 daughters...

Why is that funny?

Probably because it was a wedding full of simpletons if they thought a girl who clearly was not bridesmaid and didn’t walk down the aisle, is a bridesmaid.

Honestly, imagine the flip thread -
"I'm marrying a lovely man who's close to his family. I have asked the oldest of his grandchildren to be part of the bridal party, alongside my own granddaughters.
It has become apparent that the mother of her half-sisters is annoyed that her twin daughters weren't asked too. I'm now worried that she'll bring them dressed as flowergirls or will even boycott the wedding as a result - it's threatening to ruin the day, and I'm devastated that this is being looked at as a negative thing or that this was done simply to annoy the mum."

Would many of you seriously reply to say that the bride was BU?!

In my eyes it is a spiteful action, but that's where we disagree about it I suppose.

Yes, I would.

Who has a child as a best man?

A theme park ride is a perfect way to teach them that you can't always do the same thing as your siblings, they will be able to go on bigger rides when they are bigger themselves. They won't get to be bridesmaids at their grandad's wedding though will they.

Many people 👍
It's almost like you're being deliberately obtuse 🤦🏼‍♀️

Why do you think 7 year olds don't understand what bridesmaids are? Did the op say they lived off grid?

Or maybe I just disagree with you.

Equally doesn't have to mean the same, it can mean equivalent. So DD1 gets to be flower girl for Auntie, DD gets to be flower girl for cousin, DD 3 for their godparent etc etc. If DD1 gets to do it every time and others not at all, that doesn't feel fair, but can take turns.

Surely having twins for sisters means the oldest kid will be the odd one out all the time? The twins will have all sorts of adventures together that DSD won't be part of. Let her have the moment and take it as a teaching moment for the other 2.

It is annoying though, so I do sympathise.

I suspect this is not about the fiancée deliberately treating your girls differently from your DSD but more about how you and your husband make her feel. The fiancée is not stupid, we all know when people like us or are merely tolerating us.

If she knows in her gut that you don’t like her and you make her feel ‘less than’ (whether intentionally or not), why would she want you to be so close to her on her wedding day? Most brides I’ve known only want people around them who love, respect and support them.

The fiancée’s feelings are going to be more important to your FIL than his DS & DIL’s, he left his first wife for her - do you really think he will let you create drama in his relationship, particularly around his wedding?

If you and your husband are going to progress from this point it has to start with you both showing respect towards her. Calling her his mistress does not do that I’m afraid.