DDs being left out of the wedding

[Shambrigade]

FIL is getting married this spring to his mistress (only mentioned as background and as she loves to cause rifts)
We have been civil to her throughout their relationship despite the issues she has caused as we wanted to be the better people and allow our children a relationship with their grandpa.
We don’t support their marriage based on how they became a couple, but DH wants a relationship with his dad. If he doesn’t accept her then his dad will go NC. This upset DH as he was very close to him before so he keeps quiet to keep the peace despite his mum’s feelings, they assume we are happy for them as we keep our opinions to ourselves.
OW has been friendly enough, but slowly in the past year she has been segregating our children. DH has a DD from a previous relationship and we have 2 together. OW has sent DSD an invitation exclaiming she will be her bridesmaid. She’s 9 and very excited. However the younger two haven’t been asked and are aware OW has left them out. They’re almost 7 - twins. They have seen DSD bridesmaid dress in photos and are upset they won’t have the same ‘princess’ dress. I’m livid that she’s leaving out 2 children and that FIL is allowing it.
AIBU to refuse to go to the wedding? DH will still want to go but I don’t think it’s fair for my DDs to be subjected to favouritism. FIL states it’s up to OW who her bridesmaids are and he won’t get involved.

This is the first time I’ve let it out after holding it in to keep the peace, but I’m sick of this woman causing divides. I’ve been friendly to her and never expressed my disgust, but I’ve had enough. I wish DH would tell them all to F off tbh and defend his children instead of wanting an easy life.
WWYD from here on out?

Because you are looking at it as excluding the DT rather than what it actually is which is including DSD

It's not spiteful

Yes, exactly. It also suggests that for all the OP’s protestations that she treats her DSD as her own child, she clearly doesn’t. If she did, she’d see this as a nice inclusion of one child, rather than the shit-stirring exclusion of two.

Funny on here all the 'ow' and second wife's jumping on the post to defend one of their own. They instantly recognise someone who is as immoral as themselves and want to make excuses for their behaviour, because theyre projecting. As said, OP or her dh do not need to like fathers gf, but obviously choose to go to the wedding for dhs fathers benefit. So it's really irrelevant to bleat on about why op would want to go anyway if she dislikes his gf.

I am neither an OW nor a second wife.

The fact that OP dislikes the bride is very relevant if OP would need to be around the bride more on the day to supervise the younger girls. Whatever the origin of this relationship, the couple are now getting married and don't have to martyr themselves on the altar of DIL's dislike.

Training the twins that they deserve to be the bride(smaid) at every wedding and the corpse at every funeral is not going to serve them in the long run.

Older children get invitations and privileges and relationships that smaller children do not. Everyone experiences that. It need not be such a source of drama.

Yep. And one day there may be a family wedding where a relative wants flower girls and the DSD will be too old.

How do you know who’s an OW or second wife? Or are you presuming?

This is about as thoughtful as calling anyone who disagrees "a man"

Never been a wife of any kind and highly doubt I've been the OW either...

Morals are a made up concept which vary by life, nationality and a bunch of others factors

I think the only thing that telling here is the bigger exes calling us all OW because we don’t happen to agree with the OP and aren’t crying in despair over someone else’s affair

Exactly
9 is getting to the point where she's not "cute" for photos but too young for "real" bridesmaid work
6, almost 7, has time to be a "cute" flower girl

I would leave DH to attend solo and do something fun without your 3 daughters elsewhere. It's cruel to deliberately leave 2 out so I'd get them to choose a fun treat between the 3 of them!

Well, according to the OP, the twins have been bridesmaids on several occasions already.

Buy your girls dresses with your Mil's picture on it. 😁

I wonder if every other time they've been a unit of 3 ...

In my opinion it is spiteful.

Against whom do the bride and FIL hold
spite? Spite has a target, by definition.

It's not unless you think they genuinely want to hurt DT?

You are being unreasonable

I sense a "Psychic" in our midst.....

Ah come on, it’s just letting two little girls wear princessy dresses and toss a few petals on the ground ( if the venue allows). Bride can suck it up; she clearly doesn’t care about anyone else’s feelings.

It’s the dress that most people notice.

Choosing the oldest child to be bridesmaid is NOT the same as forcing your children into the wedding party ffs!

It’s a wedding. Everyone is dressed up.

Going by her other posts.... I'm guessing her DD was in a very big princess style flower girl dress!

It's her wedding day not yours and tbh she's not a young girl is she. Get the twins really nice outfits and take lots of photos of them and enjoy the day. I think the only time they would get upset about not being bridesmaids is because your going on about it. Take lots of photos of them, include your DHD in some as well and ask FIL his new wife and bridesmaids plus the twins to have a photo taken together. If you never speak to her again up to you, but enjoy the day and let kids enjoy it as well. It's ONE DAY and that's it.