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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

In not making child do homework

243 replies

Qwerty21 · 11/02/2025 18:56

My child is given spellings to do 4 nights a week, a homework sheet per week and a school reading book. In year 3. I used to battle with them most nights to do that spellings and get the homework sheet done. We occasionally read the school book but that was another fight too. I've got to the point now where I've said enough is enough and I'm not forcing it anymore. Our evenings have drastically improved, there's far less moodiness and raised voices. But I'm wondering if I'm doing them an injustice but not enforcing it. They aren't falling behind at school, in fact in most areas they are ahead. And we read every night before bed, just not the school book.
I'll be honest in saying I found fitting in the homework a pain around my work, and my child's after school activities, there's only one evening a week we're actually free from after school pick up til bedtime. But if the general consensus is that doing the homework is more beneficial than the stress it causes us both then I'll reconsider my decision.

OP posts:
BondStreet · 11/02/2025 20:10

YABU imo. I have a full-on job and my DC often try and resist homework but we read 7 days a week, practice spelling daily and do every assigned piece of homework which is usually two pieces a week.

It is a definite drain on my time but I’m a parent and find the time to fit it in.

BadPoet · 11/02/2025 20:11

I stopped enforcing homework in primary. There's no evidence it is beneficial and it was causing stressful evenings like you describe. It didn't stop them knuckling down at secondary and getting excellent exam results. They are now at (a very good and sought after) university.

Bellienoo · 11/02/2025 20:12

We don’t do spellings or reading here. DS is 6 and has autism (potentially also adhd). It was an awful battle when we tried and caused endless distress to him. Spoke with the school on multiple occasions about this and every time they’ve told us not to push him. They actively encouraged us to keep things seperate- school is where he does these things, home is his safe decompression space. We read our own books when he wishes to, and encourage him to read words on signs etc.
He is behind with reading/spelling/phonics but school are supporting it and still maintain not pushing him as it would likely make him even more resistant to learn.

ds2 is 5 he reads a few times a week, usually he requests this but gets bored of reading the same book all week so we do our own thing. No complaints from school about this yet!

Anewuser · 11/02/2025 20:12

If nothing else, please try and practise their spellings. If they are ND, they are likely to be upset if there is a spelling test at the end of the week and they get them all wrong.

Sorry to be pedantic, but for those of you unsure, it is practise your spellings not practice your spellings.

KindaPied · 11/02/2025 20:13

I grew up in a third world country where the education system is significantly better, also childhood as a whole is prioritised. YANBU at all.

Didimum · 11/02/2025 20:13

I don’t agree with homework in primary – it’s not shown to be beneficial. But reading is king, and my twins read to me 7 days a week. Maths and spelling 2-3 times a week.

BendingSpoons · 11/02/2025 20:13

Spellings shouldn't be taking 20-30 mins per night. Does your DC find them hard, struggle to concentrate or is just overwhelmed?

We do:

  • daily reading - DD reads to herself in bed most nights and reads to us once a week or so
  • spellings - she writes them out once or twice a week. Takes a couple of minutes each time, usually whilst cooking dinner
  • weekly homework takes around 20 mins on Saturday. She does it alone.

-.times tables - we let DD do it when she wants

So in total this takes about 30 mins of MY time per week. If it's a massive battleground, I would see if you can do it differently or do less of it.

KindaPied · 11/02/2025 20:14

The British education system and lifestyle overall is not conducive to good long term outcomes.

Ponderingwindow · 11/02/2025 20:14

spelling we would have dd just spell the list at the beginning of the week. If she knew them all, we would ignore it. If there were some she needed to practice, we memorized the remaining list ourselves. That way we could just call them out randomly and dd could spell them orally. She never sat down with paper and pencil for spelling practice.

for reading, dd was a voracious independent reader. I just let her do her own thing. The only time I didn’t fake the reading log at the beginning of the month was when they were having a competition. Then I accurately recorded her time every day.

for anything else, yes, we sat down and did the work. It never took long in primary. Reading and spelling were the time sinks.

SinkToTheBottomWithYou · 11/02/2025 20:14

There is ‘not overly stressing over homework’ and ‘it’s a battle so I can’t be bothered to do it at all’.
If only to gently introduce the habit, I strongly believe 10-15min of spelling every night and one worksheet at the weekend is not too much.
I agree on the reading though, I doesn’t matter what book they read as long as they enjoy it.

SnakebitesandSambucas · 11/02/2025 20:14

Just come back from parents evening and asked my eldest teacher this (Year 4). She said he's surpassing all levels atm. And just keep him reading and doing active learning through real examples. Such as reading a recipe, maths in the supermarket, reading the clothing labels for washing. The torture of lockdown and the online learning and virtual sheets nearly scarred him for life with loving education and school and I won't risk it. We ditched the online and did worksheets books etc. The transition to secondary can be managed with clear expectations they will learn this in primary school and also I can do at home.

pointythings · 11/02/2025 20:15

I haven't seen any evidence that homework in primary has any educational benefits. I didn't get any when I am in primary (I'm old) and all my peers coped perfectly well in secondary when homework started and was ratcheted up during the first two terms. And amazingly, we all managed to pass our exams.
My kids did their primary homework, but I was never under any illusion that it was more than make-work.

Reading however is key to everything. I read out loud to my kids every night until the oldest was 13. They were also voracious readers themselves. Basically good reading = good spelling. That is worth investing in. We'd scoot through the school books and then get to the good stuff.

CountessWindyBottom · 11/02/2025 20:16

Yes, you should be enforcing it to some degree now @Qwerty21.

And this doesn't mean sitting down and making each other miserable either. If you suspect your child may have additional struggles then timers work really well. Clearly defined times for work is effective and constructive. So for example, you tell your child that at 4pm you'll be asking Alexa to time fifteen minutes and you'll do great work in that time. There is no need for battles or protracted tortuous evenings. Timer - work-chill time/reward. And if your child has no issue with the work itself then it's amazing how much can be achieved in such a short space of time. I also wouldn't worry about the reader. If they enjoy reading then prescriptive reading is hellish so as long as they enjoy books I wouldn't worry too much about that.

PickleJelly · 11/02/2025 20:16

I think you are doing a huge amount of it already by reading every/most nights. I don't believe it matters that it's the not school book. Allowing a child to read what they want is going to develop their love for it and encourage them to read more.
The improvement in spelling will come from the reading! To help with your concern around getting them ready for high school, could you add in doing spellings once one week and the other activity the next week? That way they are doing one piece of homework per week (plus the reading).

Marshbird · 11/02/2025 20:16

im 60. Child of 60s wrt primary education.
no homework for infants in those days at any school I (plus siblings) went to (and we moved around a lot).

I was a slow reader, so mum did do a lot of reading with me and then it clicked and I became a book worm and speed reader. But spellings, like times table was a fecking waste of time for me…I have a spelling blindness (runs in family) and zilch short term memory for numbers. Yet I have a joint degree in maths and chemistry, spent a lifetime working professionally in STEM including writing long and complex tech docs. My spelling is still crap, but no amount of writing out3 times to correct all the way through school ever did solve that…I have a visual memory and can’t “see” all the vowels and little curvy letters…words like “decision” were a nightmare for me until spell checkers came along (I had to check that 🤣🤣) .

whilst good mental arithmetic is very important and literacy is vital, the drudge of spelling lists and timetables with my own kids was sole destroying, in the same way for me as it had been a form of mental torture homing right in on the 2 skills I was most useless at, and making me think I was crap at maths for years and years.

I told my kids school I was not going to do their homework for them. If they weren’t old enough to read and carry out instructions by themselves, and do work themselves, the school was de facto setting me homework and it wasn’t going to happen. I worked long hours and was carer for my husband who had severe and enduring mental illness by then. I told the school that my job was to nuture curiosity, create discipline and help my kids to learn in using a variety of methods . I took that bit bloody seriously and did a lot of extra curricular stuff with them. But nope, I never did homework with them until late primary age where they could ask for help when they got stuck, after trying to do it themselves.

This wasn’t laziness. Once they were doing homework I’d spend a lot of time with them, I particularly enjoyed 😉🤣🤣 learning about economics, music theory and electronic circuit boards, which I had somehow missed in my own education, I latter proof read and advised on 3 degree thesis for them and another for a long term girlfriend of one of them, plus 2 master thesis. I have some rather specialised knowledge now on GIS or radiation environments in exoplanets atmospheres . I still waiting for that to be useful. 🥸😝In the meantime I still support them with interview practice when they change jobs.

BUT, I grew up with very educationally minded and supportive parents, and in turn I was very focused and engaged in my kids education. And that makes the difference. They had no doubt education and learning was key. And that school was critical. The teachers, once recovered from the blunt “no I will not be doing that” soon had sense to realise that I was doing mental maths and stuff to help with literacy in other ways.

I think where homework comes into play with younger kids is where parents don’t or won’t support their kids education otherwise. Parents who are unengaged, or even maybe have no experience of the opportunity ducstion csn bring. Parents who wouldn’t read to and with their kids unless told to by school, parents who don’t encourage their kids to do play involving maths, literacy, the arts, music etc . This is who these homework regimes were introduced for. But the utter crapness of teaching by route timetables and spelling is a hill I will die on to never do. It only works for some kids who think that way and can completely disengage kids who don’t think like that. It’s sheer laziness by schools to churn out lists of words or timetables each week without thought or intent. Kids that age need to have fun and engage to learn anything. As do adults for that matter

Hwi · 11/02/2025 20:17

You have to force them for so many reasons - discipline, future academic attainment and respect for parents as well as respect for the tasks set by the school. Please please please force them, otherwise you will be wondering, many years down the line, what went wrong.

Picklewicklepickle · 11/02/2025 20:17

My DC’s schools don’t do any homework except reading for the youngest. We read together every night anyway and DC1 reads independently at bedtime. I think that’s enough.

ANiceCuppaTeaandBiscuit · 11/02/2025 20:18

I think if there’s homework set then if should be attempted simply because you don’t want to set a precedent that homework is optional that you’ll have to backtrack on later. It’s a nuisance though. Maybe set a timer and you do as much as possible in that time so it doesn’t feel endless, and if he gets something wrong, whoops that’s the mistake, good attempt, you’ll get it next time etc. It doesn’t need to be perfect.

NatalieH2220 · 11/02/2025 20:18

I don't do homework with my 7yo.
It always caused problems and it's just not worth it as far as I'm concerned. Also awaiting assessment so maybe a link there. It's definitely not a quick 15 mins per night for some children.

admirible · 11/02/2025 20:19

If they can spell then they don’t need to do the homework, don’t listen to the bully’s on here telling you you’re a bad parent.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 11/02/2025 20:20

I chose my battles. Convincing DD2 that it was normal to do some work at home (hence the name) when as far as she was concerned it was schoolwork invading home, was a battle I just wasn't going to win. The bloody Oxford Reading Tree didn't help matters - she had no interest in it at all - and the screeching at the suggestion of doing any writing that didn't involve a Sharpie or marker pen when the sound and feeling of using a pencil went right through her for the 75th time after a long day at work made me decide 'sod it'.

She'd been shopping with her own lists with little cartoon sketches, then sketches with numbers and mathematical operators from when she was very little and nobody meaning her or her father noticed how they gradually evolved to include text, prices, totals, calculating how many packets she'd need, what would be left over and how much change there would be for her to spend on something of her choice. It kept her occupied rather than trapped and didn't involve any tantrums for a crappy plastic toy or matchbox car like some of her classmates had learned, as it was 'her' money.

DD2 also didn't realise that refusing to do fractions meant she'd get to make pizza or cut a cake and refusing to acknowledge the very existence of algebra was pointless when she'd already learned the concept in the form of grapes, cherry tomatoes and strawberries instead of x, y and z.

The other thing I did was encourage her to make posters for holiday projects. Why spend all that time shouting about writing when sorting information into short phrases that got to the point and making a decent collage, a working model or sticking clear and concisely written labels on a painted tree or map was far more tolerable than me typing it all out for her like most of the parents?

I was finally found out when she came home demanding to know why she knew Pythagoras before the teacher started teaching it. All I'd done is teach her how to work out how much we needed to cut off the new carpet. I just got a muttered 'you stitched me up again, didn't you?' when trigonometry appeared in secondary.

In fairness, though, she was eventually (as no school thought there was anything worth looking into, she was just a dream child and then a difficult teenager in their opinion) diagnosed AuDHD aged 21.

I don't think I was lazy, I just didn't see the benefit to anybody of my having to deal with the screaming abdabs every evening when I could sneak it past her in a way that didn't mean she grew to hate school.

Cheersmedears123 · 11/02/2025 20:20

I think that sounds like a lot for that age. Our school scrapped homework completely for key stage 1 as they felt it wasn’t suitable, so I’m expecting year 3 to be a little bit relaxed with it. The kids are encouraged to read as much as possible but it’s not enforced.

Brinkley22 · 11/02/2025 20:21

We don’t read the school books as DS finds that boring!
However, I’ve figured out that if I make the spellings into a bit of a spelling bee competition, with everyone involved (including DH, who gets it wrong on purpose!) it makes it a bit more fun and less pressured

NameChangedForThis1985 · 11/02/2025 20:21

Ah yes...encourage your child that they don't have to do anything they don't want to do in life...

2024new · 11/02/2025 20:23

Our school does a lot more homework. My year 3 has about 15 minutes homework a day, plus spellings (10 words per week) and reading (we do own books).
They work up so that in year 6 they have about 45 minutes homework per day.
It really pays off once they are in secondary. My oldest - with significant SENDs (adhd, autism, dyslexia) - is flying in secondary as he didn’t have to learn work ethic and independent work at home. Its been an incredibly smooth transition, even with him being the only child from his primary at his secondary.
The difference to other children, especially with SENDs, is incredible.

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