To think this isn’t cliquey?

[TheIvyRestaurant]

I have a son in year 3, he started in reception class just after lockdown, and we had moved across the country as a family as well to a place where I (a massive extrovert) knew nobody and did a WFH job so was eager to make friends.

The other mums were very sociable and one mum would set up a mums WhatsApp group and arranged regular mums nights out, about 4 a year, and often to welcome new mums who gradually joined. These were very inclusive, and would be places where people could get just a drink or they could eat as well and stay as long as they pleased.

As time went on the numbers dwindled, and the same people would initially say yes and then cancel last minute. Or they’d say yes and just not turn up which is quite embarrassing when a table has been booked. Someone would normally follow up with them - sometimes they’d reply sometimes they wouldn’t! And they’d do it again the next time.

It became clear that just 6 of us consistently turned up to these nights. By year 2 the 6 of us became close friends and we set up a separate WhatsApp group and arranged nights out, nights/days in, cinema trips, the occasional play date etc. We also chat at pick up and drop off, because we’re friends.

the whole class night out invotations still go out but less frequently - only one this academic year at Christmas, as just fewer people seem to want to join.

The 6 of us had a night out on Saturday and spotted another mum with her DH in a restaurant. This mum hasn’t been on a mum’s night out since reception year, and has cancelled a couple of times on the day for other nights out (relevant) we all said hello but as none of us are her friend we didn’t stop to chat.

My friend who organises the nights out (who’s in the group of six) put on the whole mums group chat yesterday about a potential night out in April. The mum we saw on Saturday replied “Is this for everyone or just the clique?”. When my friend asked her what she meant she said there is a clique that excludes people from social gatherings and also at pick up and drop off as well.

Now We are in our 4th year of schooling these kids, and personally think it’s fine to not shout “roll up roll up come for a chat” in the playground or in ie every last person to every single gathering a few of us have. It’s fine to have made friends, and it seems the people who’ve made friends are the ones who’ve made the effort.

This mum NEVER approaches us to say hello, and has never made a real effort since reception. I don’t think it’s fair to say we are a clique when actually we are just friends who have consistently made the effort with each other.

AIBU to think our group of six have the right to hang out without inviting everyone in the class because a friendship has been formed separately as adults, rather than only being linked through our children?

The entire year isn't a friendship group.

Waits for someone to come along and claim that either everyone be invited or no one.

Honestly OP, I've read all your posts and this whole thing is childish and blown out of all proportion.

Ignore the drama, carry on with your life and doing what you do.

You can be friends with whoever you like and go out with those people as much as you like. You don't have to invite every single person you know every time you go out! We have a group like this at work, the 4 of us get on particularly well out of everyone so go out together more often.

Unless you ignore or are blatantly rude to people at the school gate then there's no issue. But after how rude that other mum was I wouldn't be organising anything for the Whatsapp group, that would just encourage me even more to stick to the small group.

The people who never organise anything, rarely show up when something is organised and basically make no effort are always the ones to complain they're being excluded.

I would suggest to moany, entitled mother that it would be great if she'd like to organise more outings for the group because you've found organising something for a large group when the numbers aren't set in stone is really quite difficult.

It's a strange phenomenon on here that women aren't allowed to make a few mates over the years at school and have a few nights out without being a pack of cliquey bitchez.

I haven't got along in all my school years there have been plenty of events I haven't been invited too. As we tell the children, you can't go to all the parties.

Have you ever gone out with a group of friends and wondered that?

surely the group of 6 people is just a friendship group....

Very similar to our group. We were a larger group of parents but there were a core 6 or so of us who always seemed to suggest and organise things. Others outside the 6 sometimes did things together and didn't invite us (they were both runners who first arranged weekends away at runs which then expanded to just weekends away together).

And then lockdown came and the rule of 6 so we naturally formed a group of 6 who could socialise. After lockdown and the rule of 6 ended we invited a couple of extra in so we're now 8.

We meet to plan things - not always grand things, just things like walks after work in the summer, odd meals out etc. We usually put these up on the extended group chat but no-one replies.

Last year we went abroad for a long weekend (6 out of the 8). The first time we'd been abroad together for years. (Previous trips had included the two runners but that was probably the best part of ten years ago.) And one of the 2 runners asked where her invitation was - I literally haven't seen her more than once since lockdown - almost never responds to invitations to parties, drinks at home etc. I get on well with her when I do see her but our lives don't really meet at all now so I was really surprised at her reaction.

Loving the passive agressive response of that other mum OP. Clearly someone who can't be bothered to put the effort in and gets the hump when they see other mums on a night out. I'd like to think I'm friendly with the parents at our school, but there are some people more than others that I have naturally formed relationships with as we have more in common. I would like to think those that I don't gel with or struggle to find common ground are grown up enough to find friends either inside or outside the school gates. I'd certainly like to think these parents wouldn't see any stronger bonding friendships as a clique, but in all honesty if they did then that is their perception and their problem to deal with.

Just tell the drama queen that any events / invitations posted on the all-class group are open to all parents, and any personal relationships between parents will be managed outside this group and not anyone else’s business.Hopefully that isn’t a huge shock to her!

Are you saying that people who did join when invited cant carry on going out together because the people who didn't want to join on previous nights out aren't invited?

That's crazy, it's not cliquey at all, otherwise they wouldn't be able to see each other

I don't think what you describe in itself is a clique, but maybe there are nuances to the situation you aren't aware of? It's clearly being perceived as a clique if others in the group chat are responding in agreement with this woman.

A clique is really a friendship group that's completely closed off to new people joining in. If this isn't you and your friends, what's wrong with organising your own thing and then saying in the big group chat 'a few of us are going for dinner and drinks at 8pm on Saturday, would anybody like to join?'

My kids are grown up now but we did this when they were at primary school and one mum got left out - not intentionally- by accident, and still to this day she avoids me if I see her out and about!!

Why does OP need to do this? It's not easy to book a table to have a nice meal for a totally unknown number of people, why can't they go out as a 6?

But the complaining person would appear to want to be invited so that doesnt make sense

Why should a handful of people have to invite 30 to 60 other people on every night out? Bonkers.

just post

thank you XXXX for volunteering to arrange the next social , looking forward to it ! Can I suggest x pub they have happy hour 5-6 Tuesday evening ?

BUT perhaps have a reflect and think about why she said that and why people don’t join. Is it possible that while you’ve been developing friendships you’ve inadvertently made others (less extroverted) feel excluded

TBH I don’t have the mindset that extroverts should include everyone, I’m often told not everyone is like me, if people want to join in it’s on them surely?

Do you include others in your conversations if they’re nearby? Do you ask them questions? Or do you turn and just talk to your mates?

It really depends, largely on where I’m standing. I seek out my friends but the classroom door is near a thoroughfare so parents have to sort of spread out so as not to get in the way. I’ll talk to most people but I do avoid the ones who give no conversation back

If you truly want them to join, make an effort
and branch out. Try starting new conversations with mums who aren’t your friends. Show genuine interest in them.
If you aren’t bothered, that’s fine, but why still try to arrange class get togethers? It’s disingenuous.

Im not the one who arranges the class get togethers. And TBH I’m happy to make more friends if it happens naturally but I’m not going to actively seek people out.

OK but individual people aren’t messaged it’s a blanket message on a group of about 50 mums.
I find it hilarious if someone replied “Oh my god leave me alone this is creepy” to an all class invite on a large WhatsApp group. They could just ignore the messages and many do

The test is this...

A new mum joins the class, she gets talking to one of the 6 at drop off and they get on and indicates she's new to the area/doesn't know anyone. Would she be invited to the next 6 meet up or the next whole class?

BTW I don't think you are a clique and I reckon she'd had a few drinks when she wrote that.

Nor does it mean I should do nothing

I definitely have done that over the years as I am an introvert who loves company and chats u I’ve learnt not to persist with the people who give one word answers and clearly CBA. There are some who are chatty back but don’t want to socialise or form a friendship which is also fine

But it hasn’t been exclusive. Us 6 are the ones who turn up to all the whole class meet ups. Surely that’s the very definition of making the effort to be friends with others?

Because it's a nice thing to do. It's not like she is going to be putting out an open invite to all and sundry, it's a wider group of acquaintances who all know each other. Book a table with a couple extra seats, who cares, it's not hard. Honestly I don't know how some people get through life with such a narrow mindset.
It clearly is a clique if multiple women are perceiving it that way.

You're friends who meet up, no one can be mates with everyone. You've only got a few more years of primary hell, enjoy your friends, you'll need them when secondary starts. I'd ignore her, she's bitter about something and you'll never get it right to please her.