To think this isn’t cliquey?

[TheIvyRestaurant]

I have a son in year 3, he started in reception class just after lockdown, and we had moved across the country as a family as well to a place where I (a massive extrovert) knew nobody and did a WFH job so was eager to make friends.

The other mums were very sociable and one mum would set up a mums WhatsApp group and arranged regular mums nights out, about 4 a year, and often to welcome new mums who gradually joined. These were very inclusive, and would be places where people could get just a drink or they could eat as well and stay as long as they pleased.

As time went on the numbers dwindled, and the same people would initially say yes and then cancel last minute. Or they’d say yes and just not turn up which is quite embarrassing when a table has been booked. Someone would normally follow up with them - sometimes they’d reply sometimes they wouldn’t! And they’d do it again the next time.

It became clear that just 6 of us consistently turned up to these nights. By year 2 the 6 of us became close friends and we set up a separate WhatsApp group and arranged nights out, nights/days in, cinema trips, the occasional play date etc. We also chat at pick up and drop off, because we’re friends.

the whole class night out invotations still go out but less frequently - only one this academic year at Christmas, as just fewer people seem to want to join.

The 6 of us had a night out on Saturday and spotted another mum with her DH in a restaurant. This mum hasn’t been on a mum’s night out since reception year, and has cancelled a couple of times on the day for other nights out (relevant) we all said hello but as none of us are her friend we didn’t stop to chat.

My friend who organises the nights out (who’s in the group of six) put on the whole mums group chat yesterday about a potential night out in April. The mum we saw on Saturday replied “Is this for everyone or just the clique?”. When my friend asked her what she meant she said there is a clique that excludes people from social gatherings and also at pick up and drop off as well.

Now We are in our 4th year of schooling these kids, and personally think it’s fine to not shout “roll up roll up come for a chat” in the playground or in ie every last person to every single gathering a few of us have. It’s fine to have made friends, and it seems the people who’ve made friends are the ones who’ve made the effort.

This mum NEVER approaches us to say hello, and has never made a real effort since reception. I don’t think it’s fair to say we are a clique when actually we are just friends who have consistently made the effort with each other.

AIBU to think our group of six have the right to hang out without inviting everyone in the class because a friendship has been formed separately as adults, rather than only being linked through our children?

What is the difference between a friendship group and a clique?

I would say the rule for whole class parties could be equally applicable to parents. If you don’t issue an open invitation, you should invite half the parents or fewer, which you are doing.
People are allowed to have friends!

I did, because I can’t be doing with silly passive aggression.

Other responses to the mum ranged from a couple of “Yes I’ve noticed there’s a clique too 😔” to “There’s a clique? Am I part of it? Do we have a secret handshake” type posts. My friend who organised said everyone is welcome and lots of people have individual friendships within the year group. The woman who we saw on Saturday is persisting with there being a clique who meet up

But we are good friends, why shouldn’t we meet up? Or do you think the whole class needs to be invited when just a few mums meet up? How many is acceptable to meet up without a class invite? 2? 3?

It’s not a clique but who cares what crazy people think.

I would have been tempted to reply, ‘well, one of us is trying to arrange a group event and one of us is complaining about it.’

@TheIvyRestaurant you have not done anything wrong

The large group was a friendship group; open to all. The small group is a clique. How can anyone else join them if they're in a separate group?

Hmm, let me think. What about if one of them organised an event that everyone was invited to? Might that work?

I wasn’t meaning you can’t be friends, more that it can be awkward being out with a close knit group when you aren’t part of it and that puts people off. It sounds like the other mum is being an arse for the sake of it tbh and if I were you I’d stop doing the whole class invite

Should these 6 parents never socialise then, just to not upset the others who don’t turn up anyway?

This is my view. I don’t think people can complain they aren’t included after 3 years of it turning up to events they said they’d come to

It doesn't matter if nobody else can join them. OP tried for a long time. They didn't come. She does not owe them a friendship and she is allowed to develop friendships in smaller groups.

Don’t you think it gets a bit awkward after a while to keep inviting people who aren’t interested?

@TheIvyRestaurant it reads to me that this lady doesn't want to be part of a friendship group but is still resentful that you and your friends are. And calling it the clique on a class WhatsApp group is passive aggressive as fuck.

Of course it's not cliquey - you are a group of friends which has evolved out of another larger group over time.

However there is a large number of socially awkward people who have this weird idea that the school run is where everyone is best buddies with everyone else, and if one mother in the class (and it;s always the mothers) is not devoting equal time to every other mother, then she's a cliquey stuck up bitch. Moving en masse as a group of 20+ people is unsustainable, arranging get togethers for that many there is always going to be people who aren't that keen, can't go and numbers dwindle.

Ignore the other mother who made the comment - speaks volumes about her own insecurities and attitudes, doesn't it?

I haven't said at any point that the OP is not free to do whatever she likes. She can be friends with them, not be friends with them, go and live in a cave and give up all worldly goods.

She's asking if what's she's doing is cliquey. IMO being in a tight knit friendship group, no one else can join is cliquey.

She sounds like an absolute shit stirrer. Have you pointed out the times that nights out were organised and people never replied / bailed?

They expect you not to form any friendships at all, because if they can't be arsed to involve themselves in nights out or are too socially awkward to do so, none of the rest of you should be allowed to enjoy yourselves either because it makes them feel bad. Baffling is the right word for it.

Then you have a very unusual perception of what friendship groups are.

The definition of a clique is “a small close-knit group of people who do not readily allow others to join them”. It’s been 4 years of organising meet ups!

Its a friendship group surely

No, and I always think similar on here when there are posts about people feeling left out from things - how much effort did they put in?

I had a very similar group - originally there were about 12 of us but with such a big group it was a nightmare to find dates that everyone could make to meet up, and inevitably it was the same people who always dropped out, so the 6 of us who did always make the effort formed a different WA group and we now decide a date we can all do amongst ourselves. Sometimes (but not always) we do then tell the others so they can come if they want, but if they say 'Oh I can't make that date,' it's a 'Aw that's a shame, see you next time,' rather than rearrange for them.

I imagine perhaps they might feel left out if they saw us out without them and cry 'clique' but there's a limit to the leeway you can give. Everyone drops out of or can't make things now and again, but if you're frequently doing it, last minute, aren't apologetic and never make the effort to organise anything yourself (so don't realise what a faff it can be for large groups), you have to take some responsibility when people cba to include you.

So @username299 are you saying that they should never meet as a six? They must always be open to having more people join?

She's asking if what's she's doing is cliquey. IMO being in a tight knit friendship group, no one else can join is cliquey.

YANBU to still meet up a socialise as a 6 - you’re friends!

BUT perhaps have a reflect and think about why she said that and why people don’t join. Is it possible that while you’ve been developing friendships you’ve inadvertently made others (less extroverted) feel excluded?

Do you include others in your conversations if they’re nearby? Do you ask them questions? Or do you turn and just talk to your mates?

We have a clique at school of around that many mums. They’re clearly close friends, some knew each other before school, some not. We joined the school later on and they made zero effort to get to know us, no returning curiosity or interest in me. So I soon gave up. They would stand right next to me and turn their back to talk to each other, making me feel like shit. I’m not sure if they realised or not.

If you truly want them to join, make an effort
and branch out. Try starting new conversations with mums who aren’t your friends. Show genuine interest in them.

If you aren’t bothered, that’s fine, but why still try to arrange class get togethers? It’s disingenuous.

I had a group of mum friends when my DC were at primary school. 30 years on, we are all still friends. We used to go to the local pub once a week on a Thursday night, and everyone was invited, but as time went on it was just 6 of us, so we were probably regarded as the clique.

I’m not sure it’s the OED def but my understanding of clique is a deliberately and meanly exclusive group. This is not that.

op, I too found that some mums behaved like children themselves. I did not join in at school as had little time, but I certainly never resented the other parents their friendships, and would happily tag onto chats when I saw them.

i think it’s called being an adult.

And boarderline creepy. Can imagine the response on here is someone posted that a group of school mums had been trying to engage them into meeting for four years? They would range between "tell them politely that you are not interested" and "you'll have to move house, change dc's school and all your identies" these people are obviously deranged stalkers who will never leave you alone.