Boyfriends autistic son

[Indigo270]

So me and my partner have an amazing relationship, I have a grown daughter (22) who has moved out and has her own place. He has 2 children a daughter who’s 4 and son who’s 5 who live 2hrs away but come to visit school holidays and every other weekend, sometimes every weekend depending on plans either side etc. I have a good relationship with both children, mainly his daughter however I just wanted to ask opinions/advice on his son..

firstly I do love his son to pieces but he is really starting to take a toll on our relationship and I hate to say this. His son has autism.. low end of the spectrum. But I feel my partner uses this as an excuse for his behaviour. When it’s time for him to go back home after visits he will create such a fuss most of the time my partner allows him to stay… meaning he misses school, my partner lets him stay up until whenver he likes with no bed time on XBox, allows him to get up whenever he likes, follow him around everywhere, go round to his friends houses with him until 11/12 at night, co sleep in his bed (we live separate officially but when the children aren’t here we basically live together), basically he is treated more as a friend rather than a son. My partner will not allow me to say a word about it, however I do have huge concerns especially the fact he just thinks it’s ok to keep him off school because he didn’t want to go home? I mean of course he isn’t going to want to go back home where he has to be treated like a child and have rules? I have tried to say to him when his child is kicking off when it’s time to go home and climbing under cars or holding lamp posts etc he is basically rewarding his bad behaviour by allowing him to stay instead of making him behave well then come back down? Or at least making it that if he does stay then he has to follow a set routine, as the way it stands now why would he want to go home and be in school and have a routine? I feel like I can completely empathise that he has autism but enabling his behaviour and just allowing him to rule the roost isn’t helping anything at all? His daughter is the most well behaved good girl ever, has manners, listens to what you say and comes down and goes back with absolutely no issues, often telling her brother to shut up and he’s annoying her once the crying and kick offs start when it’s time to leave. Even then my partner totally doesn’t help situations and starts molly coddling and making it a big dramatic ending instead of just being positive and telling him he will be back next week!
I don’t know.. I just feel like it’s getting me down and on the weeks his child does stay because my partner gave in and didn’t send him home I don’t get a single moment with my partner alone, we have no intimacy, our routine is out the window, he barely goes to work (self employed works with his friend) so I end up paying for everything and it’s really not ok. It would be different if he came to live with us and we had a schedule and routine but he doesn’t and everything just ends up revolving around him.

am I being unreasonable in this situation?

It’s abundantly obvious your intentions aren’t to be offensive

Is the op had posted something racist whilst claiming ignorance, would you be defending the racism? But this is MN where coming out with often jaw dropping levels (often faux) naivety about ASD/ADHD and it’s swept under the table, because the majority truly believe that a bit of hardcore discipline and routine will fix the ills. Yes, there does seem to be poor parenting in this story but that’s not what actually going on here. There would be no crows without the crumbs being thrown.

For me, the main issue wouldn’t be the child who has autism, he isn’t the problem here. The problem is your boyfriend. You don’t like how he parents- I get it as I happen to think that all children need a proper routine and boundaries, especially those on the spectrum. I know my ND children definitely do. However, he is the parent and he gets to choose how he does things with his kids. If he wants to keep the kids an extra day that’s between him and his ex.

The far bigger problem is boyfriend is working minimal hours and as a result has less money and apparently expects to sponge off of you as a result. I would sack this off for that reason alone.

This is exactly what it feels like! Absolutely mental. I would love to see their home lives because wow lol

You can't have been together that long if he has children those ages not by you.

If you stay with him the next 20 years of you life will be dictated by his son's needs - rightly so. But you have the option not to take that route.

It's your choice. If you stay with him you have to make the decision to put his son first at every point.

Are you cousins or something? Because you are not his family after being together for less than 2 years

Are you saying every single child with autism can never be taught anything? I find it so bizarre when some people seem to think that autistic people are unable to learn or change their behaviour.

Again you’re so set in your beliefs that you are conflating autistic meltdowns with toddler tantrums. If dad is happy to keep him, and school are understanding of his needs, then yes there can be flexibility if needed. You only want him to go home because of its impact on you.

You don’t get to tell your DP how to parent his child; he’s not asking for your help, you don’t live together. This is down to him and his mum. Even if you are right, you have no say

What do you want from this thread? What's the point of getting advice on parenting an autistic child when his father won't listen to you? You don't live together and have no say in his parenting choices at all, so you have no influence over this situation.

You don't understand autism. A lot of what you say is inaccurate, outdated, and/or quite offensive. Unlikely a parent will listen to their partner of less than 2 years offering advice on how to raise their kid, especially when they clearly don't know what they're talking about.

Yes, he needs routine, and structure would help him. But there is fuck all you can do to make his Dad parent differently. And I'm sure I'm not the only person who'd dump a relatively short term partner for taking issue with my kids and telling me how to parent.

Every autistic child is different.

I don't think you can just say all autistic children need this and all autistic children need that.

In my son's example he is a PDA autistic child and routines are demands that trigger his nervous system. He does need structure and he needs to know things will be the same, but the imposition of a routine and the apprehension before the next steps especially when picture boards are used makes his nervous system feel like he is in a hostage situation.

He also doesn't sleep very good. Never has despite any input. I couldn't tell you how drained I am.

School, the thought of it, the getting ready for it, any talk of it causes him to immediately go into crisis mode and displays avoidance or aggression. He wasn't like this last year but he was a shell of himself, coming home from school and then laying down staring at the ceiling for hours in tears, refusing to eat or drink.

This year we have his EHCP but he was denied a specialist provision.

At this school his needs aren't met.

Just last week all of the children made shakers out of cups rice and paper, and after they'd done my little boy went round and stabbed a lot of them and it made his friends very sad because he had destroyed their hard work. He was put in timeout. It made him feel shamed, and obviously quite anxious to go back to school the next day.

When I asked him why he did it he said they were too loud and too scary. He couldn't do anything else about it. He just had to make it stop because it was painful to him. But yet he was punished.

He can barely speak by the way so he can't just verbally communicate the issues he's having.

Also last week he just really needed some space. We've been practicing saying I need space please, and he had been saying it to the other children but they didn't care or stop or leave him alone so he started throwing toys. Again, for throwing he was taken to timeout. The other children weren't told to respect his boundaries. He was punished for having them.

So each of these days I bring my little boy home after he's had the shittest of shit days going somewhere he didn't want to go, and he comes home and he just cries. He needs space but he needs a hug. He's hungry but he can't eat. It feels like the world is coming down on him like a tonne of bricks. It takes him till almost bedtime to start feeling normal and then he just wants to have some fun, so I let him.

It isn't his fault that it's a nightmare fighting for suitable provision. It's not his fault he's the one having to make all of the accomodations for everyone else's children. It's not his fault that his nervous system is the way it is. It's not his fault he has to put in 100% more effort than any children in his class to be half as good and understand the rules.

The last thing he wants after a shit day is to be told what to do, and to get in bed, and lay there even if he can not get to sleep. We've tried this. We've been consistent. We've tried to establish a routine, but if I knew tomorrow was going to be as shit as today I'd probably also struggle to sleep.

IME that's a tantrum (and he's getting what he wants). Meltdowns can't be snapped out of that quickly. I realise Dad is probably describing it as a meltdown so he can "give in" easier. Although Mums lifestyle sounds so bad for these kids.

You are in a difficult situation OP.

I think you need to walk away OP or accept it as it is. I have a 4.5 yo son with high functioning autism and he is incredibly hard to parent. I'm a SAHM and it feels like a full time job. To other people his meltdowns and general behaviour can look like "bad behaviour". It's not so black and white and parenting methods that work for NT kids don't work with ASD. You can see that yourself, your SD is totally different and has the same parents. Does you partner/ex have external support from child psychologist? Every child with autism differs from each other. What we have found helpful is to keep a behaviour chart to track patterns for example when a "melt down" happens, what time of day was it, what was the environment, what happened before, during and after. This way you might spot patterns and ways of avoiding the meltdown.
For my son transition is very difficult and I imagine for SS the going back and forth won't be easy. Consistency makes a big difference with my son, so agree that if SS schedule is all over the shop that might not be helpful. Often my DS takes 2 or more hours to fall asleep, so even though bed time starts at 7.30 he may not fall asleep until 9.30/10. Then he's tired the next day and his behaviour is worse. It's a constant struggle. We are currently doing a sleep study as pediatrican has suggested potentially trying melatonin if things don't improve. Some children with autism don't produce enough of it. I personally wouldn't give a games console to my son and not at night time but that's because he can become obsessed wirh things, that happened when we tried TV. Again things that help - Consistency. We do movie nights on Friday, cbeebies on Wednesday and hour of TV on a weekend. A visual calendar might help. That said I know of autistic kids that seem to use TV to regulate. The yoto player has been a godsend for us instead of TV.
An example of what an autistic meltdown is like: I took my son to soft play a while ago. He wet himself. He will not wear shorts, only trousers. I stupidly only packed a pair of shorts. We spent 45 mins in a toilet cubicle, him hysterical because he wouldn't wear the shorts. In the end I washed out his joggers under the tap and dried them as best I could under the head dryer. With autistic kids, they can be completely inflexible in a way that seems totally irrational.
Another example: today we went to a toy shop. I said DS could choose 1 toy. He chose 4. I insisted on 1 only. We spent 45 mins in the shop. I did not give in. Eventually he picked 1 toy. You might say I taught him a lesson. Except with autism, kids don't get it. The next time we go to the shop, we repeat the same process. We start all over again. And the smallest thing can throw an ASD kid off - too noisy, too busy, wrong time of day, clothes not feeling right etc. So I understand why sometimes parents choose the easier option. Because not everyone has 45 mins to spend waiting for their ASD kid to calm down.
Another example with transitions- DS hates leaving the appartment. Getting ready for school is a nightmare. Often he doesn't want to get dressed. Or leave the house. Refuses to walk. Will not move. Back to being rigid. When he gets to school he runs in, loves it. Things that help - we use a timer. Keep everything light and fun, make a game out of it, try the visual schedule. Kids with ASD don't do things to meet external expectations, they don't get it.
One thing thats working at the moment is a reward jar, we stick a piece of pasta in it for every bit of good behaviour. When it's full he gets a reward.
Often my son has outbursts, shouting at me or hitting, kicking. Whilst these have decreased in the last few months, they still happen. It's not because I'm a bad parent. You can't parent a way to stop it. We've tried all sorts. The best you can do is try to prevent the meltdown and hope as they get older it will lessen.
I understand your frustration. I get frustrated sometimes because it's relentless and I empathise to that extent.

The meltdown should not happen.

The parent should stick to the same routines as at home (though it sounds like they don't exist anyway) - the child should be prepared in advance:

• at X time we will be doing Y.
• in 10 minutes it will be time to do Y.
• we are doing Y in one minute.
• We are doing Y now, then we can do Z.

So for example, at the start of the day he begins to prep child for packing up stuff, getting dressed, going to say McDonalds (or some other nice place that gets him in the car and away from dads house) - then we're going to take you home and you can do z thing at home.

Then by the time it comes to the actual car trip home, kiddo has understood what to expect all the way through the process.

Same thing with bedtime:

• In half an hour it will be time to put on pyjamas, think about if you want Mr Men or Dinosaurs?
• In 10 minutes it will be pyjama time, did you work out which you want?
• In 1 minute its pyjama time, you chose Dinosaurs, awesome.
• It's Pyjama time, then its ......

And so on, giving him little choices so he feels like he has some control, but the choices are really irrelevant, dinos vs mr men, clean teeth first or wash face first, this story or that story.

IF something happens that puts a spanner in the works, then you take the child away from the situation for a few minutes to calm down, give them something moderately occupying/interesting to do to decompress... and then start again 'after 5 minutes of watching X on the ipad, it will be time to do Y...'

But all of this has to come from his actual parent and if it is not, and he won't entertain it, there is as everyone has been saying, absolutely fuck all you can do and you can choose to put up with it, or leave.

Is his autism diagnosed?

It sounds like this man would be better putting his time and concentration into parenting and meeting his sons needs than dating.

@Indigo270 I have read what I can but apologies if I repeat what's been said OP.

I have an autistic son. Please believe me here, parents have no clue at all what it's like living this. So school refusal is a really common thing. The mentality is not the same as NT kids. Your views are really valid and make sense. But they don't apply in the same way with an Autistic kid. You only see bits and bobs. You are applying your very reasonable values ref parenting to a situation you can't comprehend unless you lived it 24 hours a day for years. The gaming for example, after years of parenting, learning and watching, I now think gaming ( non violent games) is essential. Why? Because it's a form of regulation and that is obvious to me now. It is also escape and belonging for a kid who can't really comfortably belong in an NT world.

So my thoughts are that this relationship is not going to meet your needs. Because already you can't understand this ( of course not, and that's not on you either!). If you all lived together, that would implode and would send you over the edge trust me.
You will never ever make his autistic kids comply ever I guarantee you.

Can you accept a long term set up where you remain completely separately in separate homes. That's the best for everyone here. If you can't, then of course that's ok. But you need to cut loose now and try not feel guilty about that. It's not your fault.

I’m fine without a grip, thanks.

My kids struggle with routine, they certainly struggled with sleep despite warm baths, calm rooms, weighted blankets, books, soft singing, low lighting, co sleeping and whatever other ‘thing’ that the hilariously unschooled on here would suggest. Thank fuck for melatonin is all I’ll say.

What my kids are though is loved, and understood, not judged for what they struggle with, have parents who have to take a very long road around moments they struggle with transitions to get to the same point as a neurotypical child who’s been told it’s time to stop/leave/move to a different activity. So don’t worry about our kids home lives, you should worry about how this little boy in your life is being let down by every adult around him.

I recognise all much of this, I feel for you and your son

Clearly!

Op many many autistic kids have a reverse sleep pattern. They can't help it and it's horrendously difficult to parent them out of it. Sometimes melatonin will help but often it doesn't. Co sleeping helps them sleep though. My DD is 16 and was diagnosed with ASD 2 years ago and ADHD last year. She co-slept with me until she was 12, I'm a lone parent, it was the only way either of us could get some sleep.

I am so sorry. Are you appealing Section I? If you can afford it, withdrawing him as needs clearly not being met and seeking interim EOTAS might be a good idea (not electing for home education).

@Jimmyneutronsforehead PDA here too. Hostage situations arise daily!

Um let me just re-read my post. No I’m not “saying every single child with autism can never be taught anything.”
I do however find the OP’s unwavering belief that having the child live permanently with her and her DP will fix things because they’ll be able to implement a structured routine.

PDA child also.

As name suggests, I’m a mum to a son with autism & adhd. An autistic kid can have meltdowns - uncontrollable emotional responses to overwhelming feelings and/or stimuli AND behave badly. This little boy is being so appallingly badly and inconsistently parented in both homes (neither parent seems bothered that he’s not in school) that I wouldn’t be surprised if he was experiencing both. He does NOT need a bloody x box, let alone playing it instead of going to school. He does not need to be dragged around with his father until late at night. I imagine he finds making a transition between two homes overwhelming but it’s going to be hard to work out what is due to his autism and what is due to being a small boy with far too much gaming, no routines and dreadful sleep schedules. As for having him come to live with you full time, that’s only going to happen if your boyfriend makes it happen and to do that he’s going to need to display much better parenting than he has so far. If that’s really what he wants he’s going to need to look for a local school to meet his needs, get him off the x box, take some autism specific parenting courses and give him age appropriate care. He doesn’t need ‘discipline’ - he needs appropriate loving parenting for a five year old with understanding of his needs. But be careful what you wish for. You are already drained, your boyfriend doesn’t respect you enough to listen to your views, you are being rinsed for money and you have no privacy when the chil is with him at present. All this is likely to get worse, not better, unless your boyfriend is willing to make profound changes in his parenting. And it sounds as if he has no intention of doing that.

With children with autism social understanding and communication are often the areas most impacted. The reason why a lot of parents don't try and control or punish or "hold boundaries" with an autistic child is because for many children this doesn't work until they are older. In particular during a meltdown when they are often hugely overwhelmed.

Imagine if you were given a box of red and green counters and no instructions. Someone else controlling/punishing/holding a boundary could teach you to seperate them into two piles - one red, one green - relatively easily. This is why parents use those tactics with neurotypical children - because they work.

Now imagine if you were colour blind. No amount of controlling / punishing / holding a boundary would teach you to separate them into two piles because you can't do it. This is why many parents don't use those tactics with neurodiverse children.

In terms of helping with meltdowns if you can see them coming or predict when they might happen then you can: identify and reduce triggers / try sensory reduction (hide under a blanket, wear ear defenders) / try sensory stimulation (lights, soothing music) / try hard pressure (a squeezy hug) / prepare the child for the situation (now and next board / timer / social stories).